you never ask if im okay
i kiss you and i taste your lips so bitter against mine
you spat on me, your venom felt like some sort of ******* haven
id rather have you poisoning me than spend a day without you
youd rather i just ******* but no one else will give you as much attention

i want you to ask how i am, what im feeling
i want you to kiss me like you actually ******* mean it
not like you're just passing the time

i think about you and something in my stomach twists
it's not butterflies and i know that because butterflies dont sting
i didn't think you would sting and ache and bruise me this bad

i push you off me and you just walk away
i try to run back to you but i just stumble
you watch me fall and carry on walking

and no i'm not okay

i dont know you yet but who ******* cares
we're both young and confused and lonely
i dont really want this and neither do you
but its been so ******* long since i felt someones touch
and i know its the same for you
cheap love cheap beer **** blow and the comedown never ******* ends
i dont even feel the high anymore
you dont either
but we both pretend
its more fun that way isnt it?
more fun
synonymous of less awkward
reality doesn't exist to me anymore
so why be honest to the world outside
when the world outside isn't honest with me

it's difficult to explain the inner workings of your mind
when you feel like you're living your entire life
floating through time, not exactly here
but not sure where

conversations consist of incoherent thoughts and words
nothing strings together quite like it used to
poetry isn't an outlet anymore
it's a way of ensuring words won't fail me all the time

feeling let down by my own dissonance
the inside of my head isn't in tune with the outside of my head
my thoughts don't match my actions
my words don't fit with my thoughts

mental illness or drugs? or what?
I don't know anymore, I'm not sure I ever really did
I can't get a grip on the world, and my thoughts betray me
as I'm screaming my favourite songs from the top of my lungs

I say what I mean but don't mean what I say, was I right no?
no
can't connect to the music like I used to
can't feel in the way that I want to

numb to everything outside of my mind
can't find my bearing outside of my mind
safer inside than outside my mind
can't get away from the thoughts plaguing my mind
stuck inside

In music school,
I had to join a group
in order to graduate,
so I chose
glee club,
not because
I wanted to,
or liked glee club,
but because
it presented itself
to me,
so I loved
to sing,
but I had
a terrible voice,
so one day
we were all asked
to sing one
of our parts,
solo,
so when it got to me,
I sang,
and everybody laughed,
and I was humiliated,
but now,
much later,
I realize
that I would have laughed,
too.

When I was just a little girl
I knew something about me wasn't right
I spent most of my days angry
and I couldn't sleep at night
I found myself looking in the mirror at the age of nine
thinking to myself that I was fat
I thought that way until the age of thirteen
and that's when things got really bad
I spent most of my days sitting in my walk-in closet
writing poems as Green day blasted in my ears
I'd sit in the shower and cut myself
and let my blood collide with my tears
Not letting myself eat gave me some control
on what I was feeling all of the time
Even though I was always hurting
I would smile and tell everyone that I was fine
I poured my heart into my writing
everything made sense on paper
I felt relieved in some ways
when others treated me like a social loser
I was alone in this world of confusion I couldn't understand myself
All I could do was cry
because I was different from everybody else
The scars on me do not scare me
they remind me that I am not crazy
They remind me that I am human
with a past that is really messy
I still don't know what is wrong with me
if I could fix myself I would
Whatever I have will always be a part of
causing me to always be misunderstood.