That moment when you realize,
nothing is worth it anymore
and that nobody cares if you're in pain,
they'll just knock you down a few more notches,
until you're kissing the dirt that was once under your feet,

That moment,
when your heart shatters,
and you're so weak that all you can do is sit,
and watch yourself bleed,

That moment when you just want to die,
just spread your flightless wings,
and aim for the sky,
only to fall to the ground,
and let the blood drain,
along with all the pain and sorrow,

Because nothing is worth it anymore

Their jealousy means nothing,
You my dear,
You mean something,
So keep your head held high,
Challenges are ment to be faced,
Life is one big,
High speed chase,
Everyone wins in a different way,
The people who pick on you,
Their just unhappy,
Because today isn't their day,
Your worth it,
Don't give up,
Fight for what you want,
The battle is never over,
That's just another reason,
Why you have to try,
Don't let them get to you,
Their jealousy means nothing,
You,
Your the one who means something.

I can't believe,
I had the nerve to let,
the words leave my lips,
or even my finger tips.
this is too big of a slip,
for me to handle.

Arguments are one thing,
but comparing him to my ex?
No matter how much I think he
deserved it. I swore I wouldn't.
I swore I wouldn't so much as
mutter his name. Too late,

Now the tears flow like waterfalls,
and I sit breathless, hoping that sooner
or later, I'll drown in my self hatred,
and no one else will be forced to
face the cold truth, that I am not only
my own, but everyone else's enemy.

I swore.
I swore I wouldn't so.
I swore I wouldn't so much as,
even mutter his name.
Too late.

When the leaves first start to change,
I know I have been warned.
Winter is on it's way and soon
I'll be forced to take refuge
from my thoughts, and the cold
that will try to slip into my bones
and rattle me to the core.

Though I've never been diagnosed,
I'm almost certain its true,
seasonal affective disorder lies
dormant in my veins
waiting for the first autumn breeze,
the first winter flurry,
the first ******* signal to send me
into yet another yearly downward spiral,
only difference now
is I'm becoming more aware of the signs.

Sometimes I can't sleep at night
and some mornings I struggle to open my eyes.
Mid lesson, my mind will wander,
taking me down dark pathways
cobblestone streets too often strolled down
by those who've yet to find a way around
the mind gripping struggle that is
Pumpkin Spice Latte commercials,
and fuzzy ******* sweaters.

These things that are supposed to bring comfort only bring me down.

I am tired; sleep comes not easy
to the weary ones.
I wish for simplistic things,
sweetness dripping off lips like honey,
and maybe a numbing agent for my
over active senses.

Yet I am senseless
tripping back and forth between
composed and extreme.
Brainwaves falter when trying
to wrap themselves around your
beautiful mediocrity.
I wish for a way to explain how much
I love you still. Even though
I never should have in the first place.

Sitting and thinking,
Thinking of all the haunting memories,
Of what I once called, me,
When minutes went by with what felt like eternity,
And while I may have changed drastically,
These memories, they still haunt me,
The scars they remind me, of all the times I lost it,
Lost what I used to think was my last shred of sanity,
My last shred of dignity,
It would leave me instantly, when the first drop of blood dripped down,
Silently.

You should step into my shoes, and walk a mile,
That way you know how it feels to hold back tears and fake a smile,
You should see the world through my eyes,
Then you'll know how it feels to see all the ***** looks I get as I walk by,
You should hear the world through my ears,,
Because only then will you hear the remarks that **** my pride,
Until your me, you'll never know how much it hurts,
So don't say you understand, thats nothing but a lie,
Because before you've spent some time in my shoes,
You'll never know how ******* much i've been through
So don't even ******* try.

Can you feel your heart
As it hits the ground
I really thought
I could keep you around
With out depression
And despair
We made the perfect team
Because baby,
Misery loves company!

The slightest change made all the difference.

After you left, suddenly I could
look at the alphabet, and 26 letters
would form into a thousand different
memories, song lyrics became
varying explanations you would never give me,
and you were the scent I woke up to in the morning,
regardless of the fact that
I haven't been close enough
to actually smell you in weeks.
Your entire essence is still encoded within me,
like the most complex sequence the
human mind can dream up,
I have you memorized.
From the scars on your knuckles,
to the marks on your bedroom wall that put them there.
The way the corners of your mouth twitched
whenever you were thinking,
to the small shudder you gave whenever
I ran my hands through your hair,
or the little rasp in your voice when
you needed sleep, but just couldn't get it.
I am not ashamed to say I have
committed it all to memory,
right down to the outward jut
of your otherwise perfect front-teeth,
and the way your hands sometimes
felt like they were a natural born part of me,
because sometimes, it doesn't matter
how it started, or why it stopped,
sometimes, what happens in-between,
just doesn't need forgetting.

The slightest change ended a legacy.

There can't be anything better,
than fresh baked banana bread
filling the air on a sunday,
bright red hair dye staining my arms,
only after it dripped off
my mothers head and made
a home in my pores.
There can't be anything much better,
than quality time with a pen,
scratching against paper
like a dog to a screen door,
that hasn't been opened for too long.

I'm just now learning
how to open my windows again,
after locking them tight,
to hide from fresh air
because who wanted that
when you weren't there?
Who wanted sunlight to
touch skin that you now refused to?
I'm just now realizing
that you were only a mere beginning.
You left because you'd
done what you were meant to,
you helped an injured sparrow to fly,
after putting a splint on it's
fractured wings, and nursing it
back to true liveliness.
You did what you could
to make an old soul smile,
even when you couldn't.

I'm just now learning what it means
to live on my own again,
live without worrying about
who is there to help me next,
because you made me realize
that somethings can only be
done by yourself, and to take
pride in not needing anyone's help.
Tonight I fly on my own,
and take pride in the fact,
that I don't need anyone to catch me.

I'm just now realizing the dangers
of entering someone else's home,
and then trying to call it your own.
Someday they'll want that privacy back,
and who are you, to tell them no?

That girl you think you know,
But have you ever wondered what she's thinking,
Have you ever taken time to notice,
Everything she doesn't show,
Thought about everything,
She just doesn't want you to know,

Have you heard the thoughts,
That don't escape her lips,
All it takes is one fake smile,
To cover all the tears she has ever cried,
Have you seen the scars,
She tries so hard to hide,
They're a constant reminder,
Of all the pain she hides,

There was a time in her life,
Where she truly wanted to die,
But whenever someone would ask,
She would lie and say she's fine,
Are you now starting to wonder,
How many times she's lied...

Singing melodies of yesterday,
trying to forget all the pain I face,

My only remaining question is;

Do tears stain?
for I've filled this shirt,
with tears of misery,
and club soda is not a remedy,
for such tragedy

Today I realized,
that sleep started avoiding me
as soon as you did,
and that thought has turned
my right brain into a fidgety mess,
and my left brain into mush.
You've killed my creativity,
and my sensibility,
all at once.

i.  I love you like the sea loves the shoreline; forever coming back for more, and there aren't enough words in the english language to accurately describe what it feels like when you run your hand up my thigh or trace my shoulder blades with the tips of your fingers.  There aren't enough syllables to string together for me to tell you just how much you mean to me. You've become my reason to wake up in the morning.

ii. You are intoxicating. There's no drug out there with a higher potency than your love. I'm afraid I've become a ******, I now need you to survive.

iii. To hear you speak is to feel alive.

iv. I'd give my life to see you smile. Or to save yours.

v. *I can no longer picture an existence without you.

There is a touch of gray,
In every silver lining,
So if I say I'm fine,
Theres quite a chance I'm lying,
And on the inside,
I'm dying,

There is a touch of gray,
In every silver lining,
So if I say its all sunny and smiles,
There may be a storm brewing in my eyes,
I may feel like ****,
But it can all be covered with a smile,

There is a touch of gray,
In every silver lining,
So even if I'm smiling,
And my eyes are shining bright,
That doesn't always mean I'm not close to crying,
Look behind the smile,
And see the bit of gray,
I'm always hiding.

I fear death,
like a fish fears drowning.
Our veins are only blue because,
we're slowly suffocating,
from the inside out.
Our bones will one day shatter
under the force of gravity,
and we will one day never open our eyes,
to the hell that fools call paradise.

We all die someday.

Many say not a day too soon.
Fate is what it's meant to be.
Unpredictable, unstoppable.
It's no way linked to the
marionettes of time.
Time is a fable that we have made up,
in order for our minds to stabilize
in an otherwise maddening cycle,
where we face the world,
and wish we didn't have to.

Someday, it will all end.

We'll no longer be trapped
in a game of thrones over everything unnecessary.
Competition lies in everything we've come to know.
But when death is on our doorstep,
the end of time on our minds,
Time will stop.
We will listen to the sweet lullaby that is blackness,

And it will be over.

Broken,
like the shards of glass
from the mirror that taught me self-hatred.

It showed me that I'm not all I appear to be,
but more than I was ever willing to show
and it terrifies me that there are parts of me not even I know.

Unknown,
like the song that just came out yesterday,
the words are a mystery so we hum to the melody,
but it still doesn't come easy.

And broken I will remain,
until I can learn to love myself,
and put the mirror back together,
yet again.

Goodbye house,
Goodbye home,
Goodbye place I used to know,
I'd rather leave,
Than see her go,
Goodbye place I used to know,
I hate to leave
But I must go,
Goodbye place I used to know,
Hello places I've yet to see,
I almost know your missing me,
But this was almost ment to be,
Hello adventures I've yet to endure,
There will be some tough decisions
I'm sure,
Hello place I'm here to stay,
But I'll never forget,
From the place I came

i'll never be okay,
not after today,
you stabbed me
with the dull blade
you call hate
i won't survive,
not tonight
reality bothers me,
no one can stop me,
from stopping reality

You won't be my next mistake,
Your calling me to walk one way,
But I'll walk my way,
Away from the heartbreak,
And tragity,
That once controlled me.

Coffee stains
my taste buds,
and I try to turn it
into something
beautiful.
Something,
worth recognizing,
for I myself,
am simply nothing.

A cheap imitation,
of what I could be,
always striving
but never reaching,
what others find
to be so easily
obtained.

Kiss me until I pass the **** out,
Love me until I'm sore,
Because my darling, even then,
I'm sure I'd beg for more,

See you are the sweetest guy I have ever ******* met,
And I'm never going to forget, the way we met, and connected instantly,
My dear, I'm just so glad you love me,
What would I do without you, would I even survive,

So heres another tribute to you, my love,
Never forget, you're truly a blessing, sent from above,
See, now you know you've got me head over heels,
Because I don't even ******* believe in christianity,

But ***, I'd change religions,
Because whenever I get to see you, its just ******* heaven.

Words so passionate,
they belong on billboards,
to warm the the hearts of people in passing cars,
and remind them, that there are sweeter things,
than improper goodbyes on guilted paper,

Eyes that give way to your deepest desires,
only for peoples bad energies,
to turn that fire into dying embers,
and then for only ash to remain,
and vanish in the wind,

A mind of a poet and a realist,
smashed into one,
to make words sound like master pieces,
slid off the tounge,
liked by some,
and treasured by many,
these are the feelings you bring to me,
and I wouldn't change it for anything,
for you are the reason this heart is still beating,
and the reason my wrists will soon be clean,
forever,

Screaming into the blackness,
Fading into the darkness,
Not a single spark,
Of hope,
In the distance,
Nor passion,
Nor willingness,
To give in,
To what we know is right,
Staying strong,
Takes its toll,
On our emotions,
They **** me slowly,
As my emotions take over,
The real me slips away,
And if I don't fight,
That just might be,
The end of my plight

2/18/12

I couldn't take it anymore,

So here I lay,

**Dead..

Shivering,
so hard that sweat,
pours from every,
cell within my being,
and for once in life,
I believe,
that the weather,
has dipped below,
my subzero soul.

Death is sitting on my doorstep,
but I'll cast it aside to spend time,
with the demons hiding in the walls,
you're ****** and I'm sulking..

I thought we were supposed to be happy.

Oh yes, I remember,
how on earth could I forget?
those chilling words you spoke,
that really should have been left unsaid,

And of those words,
came memories,
that were etched into my mind,
and may I remind you, you were anything but kind,

So answering that question,
yes dear, I remember,

I remember the day you came back,
just to leave again,
but this time, leaving more horrid memories,
than I had cared to know,
I remember the day, that I dropped to my knees,
begging not only for mercy,
but forgiveness,
for holding the feelings in,
because it only caused more pain,

I remember the day, vividly really.
the day that not only some tears were shed, but many,
the day my head was held down low,
in an overflowing sea of sorrow,
the day that I gave up looking up,
in the hope of a better tommorow,
the memories will never leave me,
I shall not let them,

Because the moment I forget,
is the moment I let you back in,
only to begin again.

It isn't easy spending every day of your life filled with questions. Questions that you're no where near finding the answers to. I feel obligated to turn my life into structured metaphors; unneeded structure is better than none at all, you see. My head is full of question marks, and the sound they make is all together indescribable, and excruciating. Deafening, even. To say that it sounds like impending death is pretty accurate. I can't explain this to people and make sense at the same time, just as it isn't possible to put the feeling of car crashes into words. it's like one minute you're doing as okay as you possibly can and the next, you're falling. Impact can be a deadly thing. Remind me of this when I threaten to jump off a bridge. Maybe you'll scare me straight and I'll stop seeing danger like it's supposed to be a fun thing. Maybe I'll stop spending so much time trying to bite the bullet, and spend more time trying to get out of the firing range. Life is full of maybes and that's the very thing that's killing me at the moment. One can never be certain

Is it too far fetched to believe,
that I'll sometimes take a match to my fingertips,
just to make sure that  this is real.
That this is real and not some horrible nightmare.
Some horrible nightmare where everything is wrong
and I can't seem to make it right.
Some horrible nightmare where everyone is against me,
and I can't do anything about it.
Where I'm just stuck and can't seem to wake up.
Sometimes I take that match to my fingertips,
hoping that's its all some twisted nightmare,
and that it'll all be over soon.
But all the time,
I get burned.

Seeing you on your hands and knees,
Down lower than I thought was ever possible,
It doesn't make me happy,
Although I'm smiling,
I'm not liking what I see,
Although I look happy,
I'm waiting to leave,
To walk out the door,
And never see what I have just seen,
To never let my mind wander to the dark thoughts
That are wandering tonight,
I feel like a demon,
Letting these thoughts continue,
I want to come to your rescue,
And save you from the darkness,
Bringing you to the light,
Just might save your life.

Today you asked me,
what it is that I love most,
well I answered quite honestly you see,
but the answer I gave wasn't quite complete,

I love you,
the way you speak,
the way you look at me,
I love everything,
quite simple you see,
my darling, you complete me,

The way the sun shines in the daytime,
the way the stars complete the night sky,
and twinkle as the night goes by,
and the way I would love for you to hold me in the night,

The simplicity of the the way the sky is blue,
and as night falls, fades to black,
the way the tide rolls in, and retracts back,
my love for you is what keeps me going,

Staring up at the night sky,
I continue to realize,
that I can't picture myself,
without you,

It's just not something I can do,
its like a foreign concept,
you've been in my life for more than half a year,
and may I say my life has never been better,

I've said it before and I'll say it again,
you healed me,
you were the one to make me see,
the constant pain wasn't healing me,

Back to the point though,
have I told you I love you?
because I do,
you and only you.

I know a girl who pours her heart out to a razor blade.
And a sweet faced boy who lives life with glassy eyes.
As if living life sober,
Is like putting pins in his eyes.

In these two people,
I see nothing but a call for help.
For someone to reach out and let them know,
That life is something more than one long ride through hell,
That eventually, there'll be something to look forward to.

I'm here to tell you,
That things could change.
But I can't do it for you, because well,
I'm not sure my fingertips can balance the weight of your mistakes.
And I hope you realize, that you've got a long ride on the road to recovery.

And not every part of it will be pretty,
You'll see things that will make you want to go back where you started.
But please whatever you do,
Stay away from the razor blade,
And don't even so much as pick up a joint,
Because after all you'll have worked for,
It won't be worth giving in.

A lovers touch,
is what I crave,
Please,
let me be,
Your slave,

A lovers touch
is what I need,
Please,
don't make me,
Plead,

                                  I have to leave
Don't leave me,
not now,
Not ever,
                                   I'm gone
A lovers touch,
that I don't need,
All it did,
was make me,
Bleed,
emotionally

Goodbye

It makes me sick, to even think
Of a world with out you,
But I must move on,
And you have to stay strong,
Because even now,
Writing this,
I can't see with all these tear drops,
Flooding my eye's
And I do love you,
But theres too much to sacrafice,
With an ocean between us,
Still, I'm making myself sick,
Thinking about everything,
Because I truly do want this to work out,
But your so far away,
I can't sacrafice everything I wanted to,
Even if the prize is you,
So here I stand when I say,
Can we just be friends,
Starting today...

I keep making these promises to myself.
To myself, because they wouldn't matter as much
promised to anyone else.

I've 5 days being strong,
and now the sense of strength is wearing off.

I'm seriously thinking of giving up.
Regardless of all the reasons I have to be strong.

Shattered mirrors and the illusions they create,
I am no longer sure of who is staring back at me,
maybe its a phase, it'll pass with the wind,
maybe its my demons, fighting me again,
I am no longer sure of who I am,
not sure of my decisions, and whats right, from whats wrong,
I sort of wonder why people think I'm so strong,
for I'm falling to pieces,
and I've hit the floor,
Really don't know who I am anymore,

Does anyone realize, this is the only life we'll live,
I mean, its common fact, we all die someday,

But until that deathly day, we have to make a difference in someway,
write a book, sing a song, teach people that they can get along,
who cares what you do, just make a change,

Sometimes,
the decision to
give up,
is made for you.

What have we become?
Sometimes just talking,
For minutes at a time,
If that,

And when we do exchange pleasantries,
I almost always have to leave too suddenly,
Leaving proper goodbyes in the dust,
And me to feel guilty until the next time we speak,
And the cycle repeats,

But set aside the sudden moments,
And broken goodbyes,
There is hope,

Hope that I may one day,
Get to lay in your arms,
With nothing to fear,
Just getting to feel your warmth,
And maybe one day,
It will all be perfect,
And we'll have our happy ending,

But until then,
Short, choppy conversations,
And improper goodbyes,
Are the price we have to pay,
For love.

Tell me again,
how I'm not good enough.
Tell me again,
how I must strive to be better,
in order to be accepted
not only by the best colleges,
but also by my peers.

No one likes a stupid girl, right?

I'll bring home a B as a final grade,
but you'll stick me in tutoring anyway,
Because of what a test grade has to say.
Is this encouragement?
Or is it simply what you're using,
to mask the disappointment?

Don't think I can't see it.
You're saying with a smile,
that this will be good for me,
but in reality, you think I need it,
just to get by.

Tell me again
to try harder.
Just signal me with your eyes!
I don't need you to voice it.

Tell me again
Tell me, over and over,
and over again.
And with every time you voice your opinion,
I'll scream louder,
I know.

I know I am not good enough.

One day I will lose my voice telling you.

I learned in English class that dreams are limitless.
If I were to ever touch the stars,
I'm almost sure I'd be burnt by the aftershock.
It would leave lines of wonder on my skin,
and leave me breathless,
beyond what the normal expectation is.

Great expectations are hard to keep,
when you've spent your whole life being held down,
by 'what if'.

It's like your limbs are being sawed off,
cell by cell, nerve by nerve.
its like you've been wronged,
in the most eternal way.
its like your image of the night sky has been tarnished,
by the idea of all the dangers of the darkness.
you're chained to your regrets,
like a dog that's been caged.
it hurts more than the dullest blade.
I want someone to tell me the truth.
I want something to give way.

Speak.
Say what you may.
Just don't lie and
make me lose my perception
of reality.