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1.0k · Jan 2016
Eat me
Johnnie Rae Jan 2016
Stick a fork in me and tell me I'm done.
Tell me my only purpose now is to be
carved open and served on fine china,
Tell me now is my time.
They plan to eat me alive.
I can already feel them
gnawing on my bones like toothpicks
after the first course,
and washing down their disgust
with my blood, still warm,
like sun tea sitting in the window
on a hot August day,
except maybe a little thicker
in consistency and a little more
bitter in taste.
Old soul, flesh and blood
doesn't stay fresh long, eat me.
Smile and nod at dinner table conversation
as you choke down every headache,
every bad decision I've ever made.
Things like that call for a little extra meat tenderizer, don't they?
Spending hours making me more appealing to the pallet
only to make me look like roadkill.
Sunken in, glazed over highway eyes,
always staring straight ahead,
never to change.
Served on a sliver platter with a puddle of blood under me,
make sure to serve bread to sop up all the mistakes, imperfections, monotony.
1.0k · Mar 2015
The Fall
Johnnie Rae Mar 2015
There are a few things I could probably never say,
like how the curve of your smile literally
shoots electricity down my spine,
or how your embrace is better than
any prescription a doctor could prescribe.
You are my sun,
and my moon,
and its scary because before,
the stars were like simple string lights,
and now they're cacophonies of light,
that give me hope when I think all dark has descended.
Your power over me is frightening.
It's like I'm walking a tightrope,
and you're a gust of wind.
If I have to fall,
I just pray you'll be there to catch me.
1.0k · Jun 2013
Beautifully Unknown
Johnnie Rae Jun 2013
I am the ocean.
I am the waves.
I am the embrace of the
salty water, in which you crave.
But I am more than this
in my entirety.
You swim in the shallows,
of my beauty.
But do not dare lurk
into the darkness beyond it.
You fear the monsters that reside
in the depths of me.
You are happy in your ignorance,
because ignorance is bliss in this instance.
You are no daredevil explorer
simply a tourist.

Remain in blissful ignorance; I do not blame you for this.
We were told to write a poem in English class. My teacher literally came in, sat down, and said, "you have 40 minutes, write a poem, go"

We had 40, but I was done in 10.
Johnnie Rae Oct 2012
I am alone here,
in the insanity that is my mind,
in the storm of thought that beat blindness into my eyes,
for you never really know, what there is to see,

All the sudden,
my voice runs dry,
like a lone wolf in the night, who has forgotten how to cry,
and there is no one here to dry these tears,
but myself,
and I have forgotten how my hands work,
yet I sit here and write,
curious in the making I do say,

How do we know what to believe,
for it seems honesty isn't the lastest fashion,
people would rather persuade you with useless distractions,
cycling you to believe what you hear,
never seeing whats really there..

I do say,
I am alone here,
with only this pen,
some paper,
and newborn tears.
9.30.12

I wrote this last night after I had finally given up on sleep.
only to fall asleep after I was finished.
977 · Apr 2012
Suicide is a cycle
Johnnie Rae Apr 2012
Suicide,
Starts with depression,
Then comes the self-mutilation
masochism,
Then comes the day where you've finally had enough,
And you feel like your done,
And you want to leave this world,
With one quick cut.
how I feel right now...not very good. 4/21/12
976 · Feb 2013
Hiding
Johnnie Rae Feb 2013
Filled with bones,
made for breaking.
Filled with blood,
made for circulating but is instead used for bleeding.
Given a heart made to beat,
but yet my pulse is slowly fading
I am dying. Just on the inside.

Some people can't handle a girl,
with hurt in her soul and scars on her skin.

For this reasoning, I lock myself up.
Heart and soul in a lockbox,
and I've thrown away the key,
leaving nothing but what you see.
A lock with no key,
and a heart left to bleed.
So no one can see this mess inside of me.

As for the scars,
I wear bracelets, and long sleeves.

Now, I congratulate you,
for you've met a girl,
who is very good at hiding.
975 · Aug 2012
The Elegance Of A Sunstorm.
Johnnie Rae Aug 2012
Where exactly they came from,
Nobody knows,

The rain cools the earth,
while the sun attempts,
to heat it up again,
what a complex system,

Well, in anycase,
I just wonder if,
the devil really beats his wife,
everytime this happens,
because thats not very nice,
and if I were the devils wife,

I'd leave,

Because, no love is worth,
being beat on,
by the very person,
whom is supposed to love you,

Yeah, if I was her,

I'd already be gone.
it was raining, and the sun was shining bright, and I remembered the old wisetale, that the devil beats his wife when ever it rains while the sun is shining bright.
964 · Apr 2015
If It Makes You Feel Better
Johnnie Rae Apr 2015
If it makes you feel better,
I'll forget how blissful it was,
to hear you speak my name.
I'll pluck the petals off every single
flower I've ever received.
I'll forget all the times I've wanted
to bury my face in your chest and scream.
I'll forget how badly I always needed you.

I'll find a new favorite scent.
Your cologne won't make me forget how to breathe.
I'll find a way to mask the love in my eyes if we speak.
If it makes you feel better,
I won't love you.
If it makes you feel better,
I'll probably never love again.

Take pride in your power over me.
day 3 and I'm crumbling.
963 · Dec 2012
Even The Darkest Minds.
Johnnie Rae Dec 2012
Blood stains like ink,
So I'll fill this pen, and write your name,
Not like it isn't written all over my heart anyway.

What is the definition of forget?
It's something I simply can't wrap my head around,
I was lost before you found me,
And held me tight,
Just to provide false hope,
And watch as I fall,

What is a good way to move on?
To pretend that all is well,
That nothing was wrong in the first place?
Well my dear, that is a one way ticket,
On a crazy train toward denial,
Followed by...
Followed by thoughts that would scare even the darkest minds
Its been a minute, since I've had any inspiration. So forgive me, for this mess, I'm calling poetry.
962 · Jun 2012
Kim, I hate you.
Johnnie Rae Jun 2012
Music blares,
My eyes stare,
Watching the water,
Wanting to be there,
Wanting to be there, instead of here, listening to you *****
When no one really gives a ****,
You're nothing but a selfabsorbed *****,
That makes her daughter feel worse with everyother word,
Kim, shut up, leave me alone, I'd be better off ******* alone,
You think your helping, your really not,
So go give your "words of wisdom" to someone else,
Because you're the only reason I feel like this
written about a friends mother, whom puts her daughter down with every other stabbing word.
955 · Mar 2016
Picket Fences
Johnnie Rae Mar 2016
the truth is i want to live long enough
to find sustenance in the roots of trees
and the green of grass.
live long enough to see a flower sprouting
in the middle of an untended lawn
and find a metaphor for my own life
within it's growing petals.

i don't know exactly what it is i want to live for
but i know that whatever it is will be beautiful
and i will drown in it's relevance.
it may take me years to find
and i may be old and gray by the time that day comes
but as soon as my eyes lay upon that certain thing
everything that has ever tried to knock me down
will be left dead in dust for a grave

humans are like stones in the ocean
tides turn us over until smooth, if we're lucky
if we're unlucky, the tide rejects us,
rough around the edges
and we face being buried under hot sand
that represents our mistakes.
choices made in moments where thought
was not a process, but instead a rejected idea.
like the many balled up pieces of looseleaf
that live in the garbage pail
next to a dissatisfied writers desk.
it overflows like our own regret.

i can only pray that i do not end up settling
for anything less than the smooth perfection
that i've worked so hard for years to accomplish
i did not pick the hand i was dealt
only made do with the cards in my hand
i am tired of settling
too compulsive to deal with anything less than
what i am capable of changing
i am not saying that i am mansion bound
or set on owning a private jet
but a white picket fence would be nice
maybe a black lab guarding a red front door.
there will be daisies in the flower beds
and red wine in the fridge
i'll make dinners made for kings and our pillowcases
will always match, no matter what.
953 · Dec 2013
Masks
Johnnie Rae Dec 2013
Hollow.
like veins that no longer support blood flow.
my mind is the canvas in which I destroy spirit.
I'm no longer harboring what it feels like to be alone.

The feeling is like bones breaking,
under the weight of the guilt that pins you down.
eyes lifeless like stone statues.
there is no creativity left in this vessel
only wrists that itch and fingers that shake
at the thought of being any where near the state
in which I am anything other than truthful
and that is happy.

Its overrated really.
Fake.
Processed and practiced.
Scripted.
Happiness is the mere idea
that the world is anything more than
what it will never be capable of.
Like me.

I'm just proving to the world
that backs don't break with the weight
of insanity on your shoulders.

I never had anything to give,
and now I no longer have the strength
to take back what was originally mine.
My self worth was stolen by your vicious words
and how I saw through the stare you held.
It said sadness..
but I know it was only masking hatred.

You think you're hiding
behind your own problems.
the fact that you had dreams no longer
stops me from believing that
you led yourself to your own downfall.
It was never my fault
that you couldn't make yourself
into who you wished to be.
Who you still wish you were.
No. My small body had nothing to do
with your inner demise.
You'd just like to believe that
to mask the truth of it.

You'd given up long before I was even thought of
944 · Jul 2016
Green is an Ugly Color.
Johnnie Rae Jul 2016
It's funny, how we make it our life's work
to knock down trees, but still, all we see is green.
The American dream just isn't what it used to be.
The bible says love thy brother, and I'm not trying to preach
but it seems like all we care about is cashing checks
and making bread; gotta climb higher up that ladder.
Materialistic and sadistic;
it's ridiculous how much money is spent
on things we just don't need.
We've become less about helping others,
less thoughtful in general, more self centered.  

Sad to see homelessness running ramped through our streets,
but we can't spare a cent because we're more interested
in feeding our own unnecessary habits, or just
keeping the cash in our pockets
instead of giving to someone who truly needs.
we've become corrupted by our own dreams.

Get an education, go to college, they say,
but when it comes time to pay
they can't help you, so you sacrifice an arm and a leg
break the bank and your own back
for a piece of paper that won't really help you get a job anyway.
and I'm not saying don't invest in your own future, I'm just sayin
work to help others along the way.
Why not work to change, rearrange, make tomorrow a better day,
if not for ourselves then for the next ones to come around

are you picking up what i'm putting down?
because it doesn't seem all too complex to me,
live simpler, stop worrying about getting
a bigger bang for your buck  and help a brother out.
So caught up in getting rich quick we turn a blind eye
to the guy that doesn't have a dollar to begin with.
They say you gotta spend money to make it,
so pay it forward, instead of hoarding for your own benefit.

We've got politicians lying through perfect teeth,
but how did they get them so white and clean?
You guessed it, your tax money,
and now we're following in their footsteps,
led like sheep, buying things just because
we were told to by an ad on the TV,
and calling it freedom.

We're becoming exactly what we said we'd never be
and I don't think I could make it any easier to see,
can't rhyme my way through all the idiocy.
We strive to be more everyday, its the american way,
but for every step we take in the right direction
we're skewed off course by another unreliable source,
they say the illuminati's just a conspiracy theory,
but look try and look past what they want you to see.
We're puppets, dangling on the strings we chose to sew
through our own skin,
because we'd thought it would take us higher
than hard work and dedication.
21st century, and still living in a world where people
have the color of their skin held against them,
still living in a world where love is believed to be gender-specific,
but we're not prejudiced. We're not biased.
Won't admit we've got our heads in our *****.

I mean, come on. I know it's hard to admit when wrong,
but it's about **** time we wise up, isn't it?
About time to open the eyes that have been
glued shut by our oppressors
and see that we're an abomination in the making,
we should have been raised to do more giving than taking,
but somewhere along the line the script was flipped
and now those with good hearts are made a mockery of
for having a different perspective.

We've gone from land of the free, to a place I don't wanna be,
and so far, we aren't doing too much to change it.
939 · Oct 2013
Weighed Down.
Johnnie Rae Oct 2013
Plate glass windows,
they mock your transparency.
Your heartstrings weighed down,
by all that you harbor,
you're stuck in your misery.

Your heart beats in a cacophony
of pushed down feelings
and your cold exterior has left the room freezing.
Below zero. You're arctic.
You'll accept no help, too mellow dramatic.

You speak words of malice,
with a tongue like a blade.

You sicken me.

Continue on in your self destructive ways
and continue on hating me for reasons
you cling to like they'll pull you out of deep waters
when all they'll do is help you drown.

What you see as a life boat, is really the weight in your chest.
I wish I could find it in me to call him a man.. but I can't.
Johnnie Rae Oct 2013
It's 11:17 AM, and my mind is thinking all the wrong things.
My thoughts are doing somersaults,
And I've got no one to blame but myself
Johnnie Rae Aug 2012
What are you to me?
whenever I ask this question,
my heart just overflows with emotions,
for you are my everything,

My darling you are,
the air that I breathe,
the only one I'll ever need,
the reason this purple heart beats,
for you my darling,
all for you,

You are my morning,
sun shine, so bright,
You are my nightfall,
and you shine brighter than all the stars in the sky,

Did I mention?
you're also my ******* bestfriend,
you aren't like the rest,
you're so different,
I love that,

I swear to my dear,
theres simply no one better,
and I'll be the luckiest girl in the world,
if I can call you mine forever.
923 · Jan 2013
Sex Is An Equation
Johnnie Rae Jan 2013
One plus one,
equals two pelvic bones,
working together,

Add the desired amount of force,
and a rising amount of speed,
to reach physical ecstasy.
I always knew I liked math. Hehe.
921 · Nov 2012
Caraphernelia.
Johnnie Rae Nov 2012
Sunshine, I feel the pain in your eyes as you look in to mine,
as if torn as to whether to gaze deeper, or look away,
I knew this day would come, I always knew I wasn't good enough,

Now let me ask you,
whats so good about picking up the pieces,
when your never gonna forget anyway?

What if I'd rather leave them to fade into distant memory,
and move on like its all okay,
but deep inside I'll know I never recovered,
because babydoll,
I couldnt forget you,
not even if I wanted to,
theres a scar on my heart in the shape of your name,
and incase you didn't know,
scars don't fade,

"hold my heart,
its beating for you anyway"

None of the colors can reach the darkness of my mind,
and none of this, will ever change with time,
because, babe, I can't forget you,
theres a hole in my heart in the shape of the love you provided,
and then let slip away,

"Whats so good about, pickin up the pieces?
What if we don't even want to?"
had the song 'Caraphernelia' on. Also by Pierce The Veil
for those of you who don't know, caraphernelia by definition, is a heartbroken disease in which someone leaves you but leaves all their things behind, making it impossible to forget.
905 · Oct 2012
Behind These Blue Eyes.
Johnnie Rae Oct 2012
As hot coffee slips down my throat,
and I write words for all to read,
I realize, there may be more than people see to me,
I may be more than a pessimistic tragedy,
to some,

And maybe to most I'm nothing, but tell me, what is it that they see,
that makes this statement ring true?
do they see the girl that just wants the world, to see her for what she really is,
because that's what you'd see,
that is if you took a moment, to look behind these blue eyes,
and see all the pain, as well as ambition, that lies beneath.
noo idea guys, enjoy.
904 · Mar 2013
Running Free
Johnnie Rae Mar 2013
I like this.
This freeing feeling.
Being away from you,
Has somehow let me,
Become new.

Now, I'm realizing,
That you were a crutch.
Enabling me,
My pain.

Because when there was a "we"
There wasn't..
It was you,
And me,
Two people,
Tangled in thorn bushes of distrust.

I'm not saying I didn't love you.
I'm not saying I don't now.
I'm just thinking,
Maybe it was leaning,
More towards infatuation.
Which led to strangulation.
Suffocation.
No breathing.
Wire ties, tied so tight,
They cut the skin,
And left us wounded,
Openly bleeding.

Maybe we were meant for seperation.
A trial, meant for error,
Maybe we were meant to hurt,
Feel the pain we caused eachother,
And learn,
Then make better choices based on the lesson,
And so on.

Maybe being together,
Taught us its better that we're apart.
And also, that after awhile,
The pain stops coming back,
And we learn to move on,
Like I'm finally starting to.
Because let's face it,
I said I was fine,
But I was practically dead for a while,
Faking a smile for your benefit,
And crying behind the comfort of closed doors.
Turning up the radio way too loud,
And screaming until my throat was raw.

Why do you think I wouldn't sing for you?
Even after I promised to.
Not only the nervousness,
But, also being scared that you'd notice,
Notice the difference in my voice,
When I try to hit the higher notes.
I've screamed myself sick so many times,
My voice has changed,
There's a certain aspect to it,
The over all raspy tone,
And it would have killed me for you to notice.

For the longest time,
I was so afraid of you peeling back the layers,
And seeing the reckless hatred for myself,
But now, I honestly don't care.
I will cry and scream, and just let it go from now on.
Because I can no longer live in hiding.
I'm done.
And not just hiding from you, either.
Everyone.

I will roll my sleeves up,
And take these ******* bracelets off.
I will no longer be ashamed of these marks I've created.
They do not define me.
I am not that girl anymore.
She was never me.
And I will never again become her.
You know why?
Because for the first time,
In a long time,
I'm ******* free.
All because of a little bit of seperation,
And mental disconnection.
897 · Jan 2015
Things to Remember
Johnnie Rae Jan 2015
The sun may not always shine in the sky,
but it will always rise,
and its bound to set again.
It is not the end,
you will wake again tomorrow,

Sometimes people say things they don't mean,
but they don't love you any less because of this,
they're only temporary feelings,
in the morning it will be all right.

Sleep is only the enemy if it's permanent,
put down the pills,
throw away the blades,
and if you have to,
even throw up the *****,
these are things that will harm you in life,
and when you lay down at night,
don't wish for that to be the last time,
you lay with open eyes.

The mere memory of that feeling will haunt you.
You mustn't let it, you're meant to live,
you're alive; stay that way.
No matter hard things get,
there is no such thing as a sad ending,
only a bumpy road, to a new beginning,
and that should be all the reason in the world,
not to end your life tonight.
gibberish /.\
893 · Feb 2013
Hot Water
Johnnie Rae Feb 2013
Hot water,
immerse me.
rid me of any and all impurities,
replace them with tranquility.

Give me the strength to pick up a razor,
without the temptation of,
disassembling it,
and sinking a blade into my skin.

Help me,
give me the strength,
that is needed for me,
to help myself.

Hot water,
I beg of you,
please,
save me tonight.
Hot showers have the power to save lives.
Johnnie Rae Aug 2013
I'm back home today,
and the feeling of this town is just the same.
As I ride back into Jersey,
I'm overcome with the emotion,
And it feels just the same.
My mind swarms with thoughts of the people,
I'd really rather not see.
My mind swarms with the thoughts of insults,
That will slip off their tongues with ease,
Just as soon as they get the chance to.
This old town has too many memories for me.
Too many seconds chances,
That ended in rivalry.
Too many reasons to say goodbye, really.
With the only reason to keep me around, being him.

I'll get to see him in a couple days.
That's the one thing I really need.
To be wrapped in his arms will solve everything,
For a while.
But that still doesn't change my feelings,
I'd rather be anywhere than ***** ******* jersey.
885 · Sep 2015
Nobody's Girl
Johnnie Rae Sep 2015
It seemed your hands could mold me
into whatever you deemed appropriate that week,
while I let you do whatever you pleased.
We collided at rapid speeds,
and neither of us would ever
accept blame for the damage done.
Now, after the destruction has ceased
to amuse you, you've moved on.
You've no bow, and no arrow,
but always a target, nonetheless.
Each one always harder than the last.

In the end, we'll still be friends
bound by mutual and situational obligations.
We'll run from the awkwardness
and try not to drown in the depths
of denial, for a little while.
After that, things will most likely be normal,
because astronomically, grudges aren't my forte,
and you're just oblivious to the pain
you've caused me. In the mean time,
I'm nobody's girl, and if you were to ever
come crawling back, it'd be something like
handing me your weapon so I could practice my own shot.
876 · Dec 2015
Christmas Thoughts
Johnnie Rae Dec 2015
Even if just for a moment,
I want to touch the most intimate
parts of your soul with my tongue
and taste what its like for you
to be with me.
875 · Feb 2013
Immaculate Misconception
Johnnie Rae Feb 2013
You are the master of deception,
and you haven't learned yet,
that girls are not to be messed with.

Am I seriously being played?

I am not a musical instrument,
I was not meant to be played,
Nor am I a toy,
I can't just be replaced anytime you find something better,
But don't be mistaken,
This doesn't put me in any sort of distress.

I'm just gonna move on,
because obviously,
to you I'm not worth it.
2.22.13
869 · Aug 2012
Music Heals
Johnnie Rae Aug 2012
Listen to the melody,
as the teardrops float down your cheeks,
the music rids my memory,
of everything haunting me,

When it gets dark,
it sorta feels like the end,
but still I won't give in,

I use these words,
to fight the battle,
so many have lost before,
but I don't believe they can beat me,
not anymore,
for I am so much stronger,
than I was before,
I can stay in the fight longer,
and theres no doubt I'll win.
855 · Feb 2012
Little Birdy..
Johnnie Rae Feb 2012
Little birdy,
Take me away,
So I won't have to
Face the day
Little birdy,
Take me,
To a better place,
One not filled regret
and sorrow,
Little birdy,
Little birdy,
Where will you go today,
Sometimes I wish
I could fly away,
Oh little birdy
little birdy,
Take me away.
853 · Sep 2012
Dancing the Devils Dance
Johnnie Rae Sep 2012
Drained of all emotion,
I'm left cold, and alone,
deprived of sunlight, and all contact with the world,
I'm my own prisoner,
a prisoner of my own mind,

I have about a cent to my name,
and only a shred of my sanity remains,
is this meant to be the devils sick little game?
because I never said I wanted to play,

now I've been tied to a marionette,
and they're trying to make me dance,
but how am I supposed to prance about,
when I'm drowning in the guilt of my subconscious,
and bleeding drops of red on the stage,
for my wounds have opened,
and became wider over time,
for the stitching of this marionette was a lot less than percise,
and now it has putrified,
leaving me to bleed out,
and dance the devils dance,
for the rest of my ******* life.
Johnnie Rae Oct 2012
The world is really only what we perceive it to be. I honestly believe nothing to be real. Only figments of a broken or even insane mind. How do we know what to believe when every other word leaving our lips is a lie.
Whether we lie to eachother, or even lie to ourselves, the world just continues to be an overflowing bucket of lies.
Like when a loved one dies, people say, time heals, or, it gets better, and we all say we're okay, but peel a layer back only to find pure misery beneath.
Because no matter how we try to mask the pain, with false attempts at moving on, and living in their memory,
You never stop missing them,
You never stop blaming yourself,
And not even for a second, do you stop wondering, if they knew how you really felt, and that all the anger was just emotion,
and as the saying goes, you really don't know what you got, till its gone,
and there really is no such thing, as moving on,
Sure, you pick up where you left off, and pretend you know how to move on, but they never leave your mind, ever, no matter what you do to get them out of your thoughts, they stay there.
Haunting your memory, and absolutely, no matter what you do, they'll never leave. Its a never dying presence of sorrow, that eats away at you, while theres nothing you can do to stop or even slow the process.
ughh,, times like this where I just want my mind to shut up.
850 · Jan 2013
Skin Deep
Johnnie Rae Jan 2013
You look in the mirror,
and hate what stares back at you,
so you throw a fist in blinded rage,
and the glass breaks and cuts you,
but you don't feel a thing past your misery,

You swear again and again,
that you're not worth it,
that you were never anything more than a person,
alone in a crowded room,
with nothing more to look forward to,
than a tear stained pillow case,
and the full moon,

But you're so much more,
so much more than you think you'll ever amount to,
you can be anything if you don't let anyone,
stand in the way,
and one day, you'll find that special someone,
who believes in you,
and you'll fall in love,
and nothing in the world will matter more,

And one day, you'll walk down the aisle,
and from then on be known as bride and groom,
husband and wife,
soul mates,
together until fate seperates you,
and even then you'll still love each other,
just from two different worlds,

So girls,
forget the makeup,
and remember that it's okay to wear your hair up,
and that walking around in sweatpants,
instead of skin tight jeans,
does not under any circumstances make you ugly,

For beauty isn't skin deep,
it's all about what lays underneath the exterior,
hiding from view,
and if a guy doesn't take the time,
to get to know the real you,
then he isn't worth the suffering,
so forget the ones who obsess,
over what's on the outside,
and find someone who'll take the time,
to make you a little less miserable,
and who lives to see you smile.
Because beauty isn't skin deep. It's so much more than being pretty. Because a beautiful girl with an ugly heart is nothing.
849 · Sep 2014
Anxious
Johnnie Rae Sep 2014
I'm drowning in scribbled over notes,
paragraphs of novels assigned,
questions I'm supposed to know the answers to,
conjugations I'm supposed to learn for German 2.

School work, homework, dishes, done.
sleep comes easy to the overworked.
Tired minds make assumptions too quickly,
and this is my main reasoning for never speaking.

In early morning hours,
before sleep finally comes,
I'll question everything under the sun,
and answers just won't come.

It's curse of high school living.
The curse of constantly controlled breathing,
making sure to keep pace with my heart rate,
because if I don't it may spike.

Anxiety is my daily dividend,
making sure to keep me at length from any friends,
making sure to keep me at length from any progress,
making sure to keep me afraid.
845 · Aug 2012
Scared.
Johnnie Rae Aug 2012
I'm scared,
because I'm in,
way over my head,

I'm scared,
and at this point,
I'd rather be dead,

I'm absolutely terrified,
of what they might discover
will they take me away?
Oh god, the fear, it smothers.

I know I should keep calm,
but thats not an option now,
I'm under too much pressure,
and pretty soon i'm gonna crack,

Tommorow is too close,
can we keep it away forever?

Why do they have to come now,
when I'd rather they come never
Fear will suffocate you at the worst of times.
Johnnie Rae Jan 2013
*****.
and how it smelled on your breath,
it was a miracle if the scent didnt linger,
within closed walls,
tight spaces,
they scare me to this very day,
all because of how you became,

Fights,
fought to near death,
I remember you with a knife in your hand,
threatening to end it for yourself,
as well as him,
there was anger in your voice,
behind your drunken slur,

All I could do was watch,
helpless and scared,
I was only 5 at the time,
No Wait! Younger
I was no more than 3 and a half or 4, yet, the memories, they don't leave me,

There was no mommy to run to,
she was the one creating all the fuss,
and, daddy...
well, he was already gone,
kicked out for my mothers selfish reasons,
she claims he hit her,
but my dad? no,  he would never,
(despite his tempter)

People are quick to wonder,
why I am the way I am,
Always forgives,
but extremely hesitant to trust,
ever again...
It has always been a problem I've had,
never thought to solve it,

Thats what happens,
when you grow up too quickly,
surrounded by violence and promises,
that only turned into lies,
as time  went by,

No babygirl,
mommy hasn't been drinking,
she's just tired,

Yeah Right
Wasn't that what you said the last time,
I caught you in a lie,
when I found the liquor bottles,
stashed in the cabinets,
you said you wanted to change,
For me
For Family
For Everybody
But I find it impossible to leave,
as I sit with my recollection of childhood memories
*worth forgetting
1.1.13
844 · Feb 2013
You Make Me Want To..
Johnnie Rae Feb 2013
I am a,
completely insane,
ranting,
mess,

All because of what you said,

Today,
in math class,
when you went from,
innocently happy,
to crazy *****,
in a matter,
of seconds.

I swear to god, you make me want to cut myself,
just with your attitude,

The way you speak to me,
******* makes me crazy,
I thought we were friends *****,
but don't worry,
now I see,
that you're nothing more than the others are,
Nor will you ever be.

Like, seriously *****.
get off your ******* period.
Just a rant. Sorry for all the profanity.
839 · Feb 2013
Angry At Myself.
Johnnie Rae Feb 2013
I told you I wasn't angry with you,
And that's true.
In a way, I'm angry at myself.
But I won't say that to you.
In a way I wish I could take it back,
But I won't ask to,
Because I know the answer already,
And I don't want to hear it,
Its stated through you.
The way you talk to me,
That's how I know, I put a knife through your heart one too many times.
And this, is the reason, I am angry at myself.
838 · Oct 2013
Thornless Roses
Johnnie Rae Oct 2013
Till death, my love.
Till death do us part.
Through thick and thin,
bones and blood,
nicotine and temporary highs,
we'll make it through it all,
because we know that none of it
ever really mattered.

Till death do we part,
because it would bring too much pain before,
and we know that together,
we could scale mountains,
while only struggling up inclines,
when apart.

What, my darling,
is a rose without its thorn?
what source of protection does it have?
how long shall it live,
without its immunity?
without its lifeline?
not long, in reality.

Till death do us part,
for without you,
I'm simply a rose,
lacking thorns.
837 · Jan 2015
Kerosene.
Johnnie Rae Jan 2015
You're cold like the arctic,
yet somehow, you scorch all you touch.
burning like the whiskey in the back of my throat,
only to leave me numb like the percocet,
I'd hidden away for the next time you decided
to make me feel
like leaving my body.

your side effects vary.
but I just seem to keep coming back.
you've got me hooked like you're nicotine.
and I've been smoking all your lies,
so you can ignite me from the inside,
I've been inhaling kerosene.
you're worse than drugs,
yet i'm forced to call you family.
809 · May 2016
What is Speech?
Johnnie Rae May 2016
Have you ever had so much to say, but no way to say it?
Every answer you've sought to find is true and tried but still,
to no avail, you're tongue tied.
Like the words behind your lips are in knots
and they're not as simple to detangle as earbuds,
(ha, what a laugh, even that is like rocket science)
Do you see the point I'm making?
It's like your own thoughts are encrypted
and you're forced to try and crack the code.
Like you've just self medicated with poison, and now,
you're trying to create the antidote
with shaky hands and eyes blinded by confusion.
It's like walking down the street with your shoelaces tied together
or sitting on a not so metaphorical bed of nails
Difficult, to say the least,
hell, even painstaking,
to want to scream every word at the top of your lungs,
but have no words to produce.
betrayed by your vocal chords, you're left mute,
and feeling stupid.
To have such a valid point but no way to make yourself understood,
It's like putting together a puzzle without finding the corners first.
Do you ever have something to say, but no way to say it? because I sure as hell do.
802 · Oct 2012
Realization.
Johnnie Rae Oct 2012
Hooked on self destruction,
my mind was a tragedy at best,
but something in the back of my head,
says something different than the rest,
the small part of my mind,
in which hope lives,
the small part of me,
that believes life is meant to be lived,

Who cares about my past,
all the stupid **** I've done,
the best thing to do, to turn it all around,
is live in the now,
forget about all the things I've said,
about being a pessimistic nothing,
I'm kinda starting to realize,
I more than a bit of a something.
sorta just leaking my mental capabilities.
Johnnie Rae Aug 2012
It rained a bit today,
cleared up a minute ago,
unlike the storm in my heart,

Rain can cheer me up anyday,
but as soon as its gone,
my eyes turn the darkest shade of grey,
and my heart suddenly heavy,
a storm is like a blessing to me,
the rain falls,
like the tears I know so well,
but as the rain hit the ground,
a new source of hope is found,
for the longer the rain continues to fall,
the longer I can stare into the distance,
for absolutely, no reason,
and just,
forget the world,
this is something I wish I could do constantly,

For in my world,
everyone is happy,
and that makes all the difference,

See now,
whats happier,
than a rain cloud?
The rain has come and gone, and I miss it terribly.
Johnnie Rae Aug 2012
Would you like to learn to fly?
Or would it be better if I tried,

Just leap off the edge,
like theres no chance of death,
and live like its your last day,

Whats the point of living scared?
come on, take the dare,
live life like theres no risk,
just for a minute,
pretend you don't care,
dance in the rain,
and sing like no one can hear

You only live once,
live like you'll die tommorow,
you'll have a lot more fun.
in reality, i'll never ever say YOLO, but i just gave it meaning...im so accomplishedd.
Johnnie Rae Jun 2012
You are the ying, to my yang,
The zing to my zang,
The peanutbutter to my jelly,
The reason for these butterflies, I feel in my belly,
And believe me when I tell you,
All of this is true, because baby, we both know,
Im completely and unconditionally,
In love with you.
Just something cute I wrote, Things that were running through my mind.
778 · Mar 2016
Untitled
Johnnie Rae Mar 2016
his hands trailed down my body like november rain
slow and steady, with purpose, with passion
and before my body knew how to react, we were one.

my heart swells in my chest.
i'd craved this for so long.
i rarely pray

but in this situation i mutter of deities,
breathless, i praise a god i don't believe in
and treat pleasure like religion.
Johnnie Rae Jul 2012
Maybe she's overthinking,  
Maybe its just a passing phase,
Maybe she's just crazy,

This may be the reasoning for every one,
Of her violent moodswings,
Going from happy,
To chaotically sad, in passing minutes,  
Maybe she's gone mad,  
Maybe, just maybe, she does belong in a ******* jacket,  
Locked away,
In a prison like enviornment,  
Who knows, and who really cares,
We all live to die anyway,  
May as well live to be crazy,
Maybe she just needs to be put away,

Somebody make her realize this isn't healthy,
She shouldn't be yelling at walls, and hitting things,  
None the less, she really shouldn't be thinking the way she does,
About shiny little metal things,  
That make all the pain go away,
For a minute anyway,
Oh well, either way, shes still ******* crazy

Don't deny her mental state,
Don't act like I can't see past the mask,
I know, I can see it in her eyes,  
Its not hard to miss,
Shes ******* insane.

She's as mad as a hatter,
You can't deny her that,
Because as a matter of fact,
She does need a ******* jacket,
Because,
**Shes just that crazy
I don't even know. comments anyone?
770 · Mar 2013
Mother, Have I Sinned?
Johnnie Rae Mar 2013
Mother, have I sinned?
Are you now ashamed to see the one,
you once called your baby girl?
Does it hurt to look,
and see pain staring back at you?

Mother, have I sinned?
Will you ever be able to forgive me?
Or will you spend the rest of your days,
wondering what has happened to your baby?
Well mommy, this pains me.

Mother, have I sinned?
Are your Christian bones aching?
Do you long for the day,
that I accept The Lord as my savior?

Well mommy, I hate to tell you,
but this god you speak of,
is not the god I wish to pray to,
so tell me mother, if I've sinned,
because I'll most likely continue to.
My mother and her religious views. I have no problem with Christianity, I just wish she wouldn't push it on me.
Johnnie Rae Apr 2013
This is our generation.
We will think we know everything,
About everything there is to know,
When in reality,
We have a lifetime to learn.
We are young and we are stupid,
But we will not admit to this.
We will fight until we feel we've won.
We will take charge,
Where no charge was needed.
We will argue until our opponent backs down.
And we will believe that we are better than everyone else,
And that everyone else is just stupid.

We will skin our knees,
And rip our jeans,
And cut and dye our hair,
Until we fear it may fall out.
We will turn the music up way too loud,
And scream along to a song we've never heard.
We will drown out everything around us with headphones,
And risk going deaf in the process.
We will make stupid decisions once,
And do it again,
After we swear we've learned.
We will make promises just to break them,
Find all the risks just to take them,
And try to learn to fly.
And shortly after, crash to the ground.
We will then have our hearts broken,
And stomped on.
We will think love doesn't exist,
To then only think we can't live without it.
We will think we can't live without someone else,
And then we will hate everyone.
Including ourselves.
There will be days where we want to die,
And days where we wonder why we ever thought that.
We will feel invisible.
We will feel numb.
We will be so depressed,
We just want it to end,
But we will know,
that if it doesn't get better,
It isn't over yet.  
And then we will even doubt that.
We will doubt everything, until we hate ourselves yet again.
And this will not change for a while.
But when it does, it will be amazing.

I wish I could tell you this is avoidable,
But we all share the same fate.
In a world of teens,
Is a world of dreams,
That we will break our backs trying to make reality.
And in a world of teens,
There is a world of parents,
That have a right to say no.
No matter how much you think otherwise.
We are the wise ones.
Or so we think.
Really, we are the idiots, just trying to belong,
And failing, mostly all the time.
There is nothing we can do to change this,
Except wait.
Wait until you know everything.
But let me tell you.
You don't know everything,
Until you've accepted that you truly know nothing,
And you've got a lifetime to learn.
When my boyfriend tries to apologize for being a **** up. I just told him, this is a generation of **** ups. We've got a lifetime to learn.
765 · Jan 2014
Never Again(destruction)
Johnnie Rae Jan 2014
Colors swirl bath tub,
hues of stomach acid and wine.
You now know you've had enough.
The water runs hot, yet your bones
feel as if they may shatter,
due to the cold.

You're swearing you never meant for
it to go this far.
Never again.
Your words echo among  tiled walls,
the smell is putrid,
your hair is in knots.

Trying to regain the sanity,
you somehow lost.
Your sickness splatters
and I'm rushing with towels,
while your face drains color,
and the mother in me screams.
Your droopy eyes somehow
Bring out the protecter in me.

Your bloodshot eyes fall to the floor,
your lips quiver, how did this,
go so wrong?
Your mothers worried glances,
give off negative attitude.
This is not what we need now.
Don't show fear.
Just say that every thing will be okay.

You just have to say,
that it'll all be okay.
This will end.
You will get better.
Your stomach with eventually,
stop rejecting itself,
all in time.
You'll never have to do this again,
though you probably will..


Destruction is a girls best friend.
Starting off the new year with a sickening bang. Don't down entire bottles of wine and expect to be okay. I spent the entire night holding her hair back while she nearly convulsed.
Johnnie Rae Aug 2012
Once you're here,
I'm sure I'll drown in your love,
your kiss will be like candy,
I won't ever get enough,

Your touch,
Running electricity through my veins,
you're like my drug,
I'm so easily addicted to you,

Hold my heart,  
It's beating for you anyway,

Your love,
is like life support,
keeping me alive,
and if thats the case,
I know I'll survive.
Johnnie Rae Jul 2012
I feel so bad,
Whenever I get you involved,
In this hell I live in, i hate making you suffer,

But I have to say,
I like that you listen,
When i pour my heart out, looking for something to love again,
You're always there,
When my vision shades gray,
And its like Im all alone,
Your always right there,
Telling me about a better day,
Love is great, when  you get love from someone like you

I can finally talk to someone,
Who wont judge me, and turn me away when theres nothing interesting to say,
You stick by me,
And I wouldnt want it anyother ******* way,

I've said it before, and I'll say it again,
You really are my bestfriend, and you always have been,
Thats what makes us click,
A simple connection,
And the ability to show emotion.
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