let's just call this a suicide note

                  because that's
           what it should be.

If I was still who I
           was
                          a month ago

then there would be
     slits up this wrist
and an empty bottle in
       this fist

But instead I can
appreciate
                    that I don't
have more scars.

What do you want me to do?

**** all your ******* memories
   burn all these ******* poems


I'm walking on eggshells
       over here
terrified that one miss-step
will send us both
over the edge of that
            cliff

So what do you want me to tell you?

That I abused you
        that I ****** you
that I ruined you

You want me to lie to you
baby, I will.

And I'll tell you that
everything meant nothing

and that I
     just love playing sick
                                games.

I'm sure it's easier to
       believe that

                         than the truth


because the truth is

                                                        I loved you

                                                    to the best of my
          
                                                             ability.



it just wasn't enough

                             for either of us

I'm angry

and I don't really know why.

I think it's because you're angry
and I'm so used to feeling how you feel
good and bad

because we used to hold each other
when I cried that one day
after finding out I didn't get that job
or when I felt like a failure.

you held me
you held me up.

you would kiss me and inject your strength into my mouth through your lips
and I would feel
invincible
because you were there next to me.


but now I'm angry
because you're angry.

and I have been trying to fix everything like you used to fix me
i want to pick you up off the floor
and
hold you in my arms

and kiss your forehead
and tell you it's okay.

even if it's a lie
and even if kissing you would be the worst thing i could do.

i want to inject that strength back into you
because now,

i think you could use it more than i could.

My boot prints leave train tracks in the snow
Because I walk with a shuffle
My parts are incomplete; I find

walking uncomfortable

No one step feels the same
But right now it’s okay
Because between three feet of snow
A moon so perfectly halved
Under a sky naked of its stars
I feel
As if my shuffle
Is graceful
As if my walk;
Permanent
As if my steps
Are purposeful
Even if a little

Awkward

I am standing under a street light in three feet of snow
Not feeling cold
Or alone
Even though its cold
And I’m alone
My mind
It does not mumble
My speech
It does not stutter
My hands they do not shake here
I
Am permanent
I am whole here
My veins
They do not show here
They are not vulnerable in their color
Here
My heart
Doesn't skip a beat
My breath doesn't waver
here I do not hear
Ticking clocks in my head
I do not say clicking tots in my head
My speech is free of stutter
My mind as certain as these disappearing footprints
My walk, well
I still shuffle

The Devil beckoned to me when I died
The air of decay surrounding my body was suffocating
As I took my last few breaths

The ones gathered around, cried no more
It was almost time
For God to take me home.

I prepared myself to leave this world
And then I saw the Devil once more
He called to me once again

Which side should I choose?
I did not know I even had a choice.
Then the world went black

And I heard no more.