I'm addicted to pain,
as much as someone who is
addicted to hurting their veins.
  
The adrenaline rush it gives me,
compares to no other.
  
I look for drama because I'm
a self-depleting person, who
is only satisfied when they're hurting.
  
I put myself in horrifying situations,
it's a day to day occupation.
  
I trap myself in a dark hole,
like that of an abyss, my heart
can barely pronounce scared due
to its lisp.
  
Angels and demons kiss my soul
with death defying holes.
  
I tend to feel lost without no control,
to regain myself is an everlasting toll
of hatred and resentment.
  
Looking into a mirror,
to only find yourself terrified
of those hollow eyes.
  
A face tells a story,
but mine seems to not stop,
like an undying pendulum clock.

They told me to write about the family dynamic,
and even though they were careful to say

"The" family dynamic,

I was quite sure they wanted to say

"My" family dynamic.

The way I'm quite sure that when my mother asks if I'm gay,
and if that is the reason I'm sporting a gay pride belly ring,
that she is actually saying,

"I swear to God if you're a **** that's the last straw."

Catholic upbringings seem to only account for politely covering up
hidden agendas, not actually purging them in place of acceptance.

My family dynamic is the blank stare I gave my mother that day.
It is the uncertainty I feel on a daily basis. A constant debate on
whether or not I should send her fragile ideals about me spinning
off their axis, admit to being bisexual. In my mind I always look
her in the eyes and say something along the lines of,

"Don't worry mother, I could never be gay. I enjoy a good hetero ******* too much."

In reality I smile and shake my head.  Leaving her to go on living in a world
where daughters don't have premarital ***, or lose babies, or try to **** themselves.
In a world where her good catholic daughter could never be gay.

My
                    
                  Whole

                                     Life
                                              Is

                                                        A
                                                               Poorly

                                                                               Written

                                                                                              P O E M.