I know I'm a nice bloke but we all have our faults
I talk a good talk but need to tighten a few bolts
We slap on some make up to cover our flaws
But being a gentleman I'd still hold open your door
I can't afford the Caribbean so it's a caravan in Wales
We can get drunk in the local pub and listen the locals tales
I'd rather stick with my mates than the hoi polloi set
Hey, that's just my choice,
Nobody's perfect

JJB

What is the purpose of this visit?
Is time on Earth just a phase
An appearance to say hello, goodbye,
I only popped in for a minute
For some people seem to transcend,
and not even say goodbye
While others just don't leave, please go, you've had your ****** time
Because sometimes I'd just like to appear without even saying hello
I've done my bit, toodlepip, its time for me to go

Cameo

JJB

The last lockdown stuck in house
Running out of conversation with your once loved spouse
Ideas are blank now due to the monotony
Its starting to feel like a nationwide lobotomy
This is how it must feel to be a Government led zombie

#killmenow

JJB

Laying still its 4am and I can hear the birds sing
Not a noise in the air including the planes wings
The world is in panic over the covid and the cure
But hearing not a noise around is Earth at its pure
Thinking of times not relying on phones and the trends
To wake up to day one where life is on the mend

Reset

JJB

Guys! You have ten minutes. Ten Minutes!
A clatter as a pan hits the ground
The presenter looks with a smile but not a sound
A raised brow and a flurry of panic
The fear in their eyes all trying to cook organic

You won't believe it but Courtney was just necking Craig by the pool
Shut up! No way!
Seriously
After just telling us all he's gonna propose to Abbey when he gets out
And Abbey's watching this?
Uh huh
What a ****
You know that
A complete ****
It's gonna cause a spat
Unbelievable

I was told by my teacher that I had a voice
But working the tills at ASDA was my only choice
Then this lady heard me humming as I scanned through her Spam
She dragged me to her agent as we rode the Manchester tram
I sang
She cried
I'd never sang with such pride
And hear I stand with Ant and Dec
Cameras on with nowhere to hide

Guys! You have two minutes. two minutes!
Etc. Etc. Etc.............And Repeat

JJB

Now this depends on the colour of the pill
The one to make you high or the one to make you ill
If you're in the mood for searing riffs by Jimmy Page
Or you think that **** belongs in another age
Along with the teeth picking tunes by Jimi Hendrix
You'd rather sit in silence eating your Weetabix
Those six string gods such as Clapton and Chuck Berry
Now for a game of domino's with Pete and old Terry
The jukebox here plays the modern from Gaga and onto Oasis
The barmaid likes the older man, let's hope I meet her analysis
She puts on some older songs, The Beatles and The Kinks
Reeling off some other stuff, miss it if you blink
Then the rumour does come true as she catches me with her eye
Back to hers with some cans and a kebab,
Rock and Roll will never die

JJB

Certain things stir the soul
Some are good and some take their toll
A penchant for coffee just to wake you up
One will do and then its onto endless cups
You only watch one episode as its all on Netflix
Then it rolls into the next just to get your fix
It becomes a drug, not doing what is best
Just drag yourself away as it becomes a test
The human heart just wants what is more
Until it gets its need,
It strikes
It shoots
It scores

Addicted

JJB

Tick Tock Tick Tock 

The unstoppable noise from the wall and the clock
Battery malfunction is its only means of stop

From day one our clocks started setting
And an end date still has us betting

For it guides us in our everyday forms of life
From being late to work onto a barney with the trouble and strife

Even the dog knows what time he's to be fed
Until the day is done and upstairs to bed

As time is the invisible line we cannot hurry or cross
The world spins in motion to the suns gravity who is the real boss

It keeps us rectified onto a sole purpose and a meaning
Or is God just watching us on his box, his own Netflix he is just streaming.

Time

Tick Tock Tick Tock


JJB

And why do you wear just one sock Tom?
Hey, that's for me to know, and for you to find out.

The other sock?

That was worn by his brother, Ronald.
And his nickname?
Go figure

JJB

That shining light we both once had
It trickles to a dim flicker and into a fad
I would try and make these words loving and long
But like my love for you a hapless worry
Now unconvincing and just gone
Its so true and yes, Christ yes,
I'm sorry

JJB

Run!
Run!
Just keep running!
That's it!
Oh wait, what's that?
Stop
Sniff something I'm convinced might be interesting
Its not
I hear you
I hear my name (..........)
Again (..........)
Still not sure,
Got to keep running
Run!
Run!
Run!

JJB

Our chats are very one sided
My views and hers are one side blinded
She stares at the passing men in somewhat dismay
They wouldn't choose their wifes dress from me, yep, probably gay
I dress her like she'd ravish the town
Some older ladies look away with what could be called a frown
Now wearing from the 60's in a what was known as a microskirt
Back in the day it made attention and got the guys to all flirt
But now I've moved onto the secondhand clobber in a shop they call Oxfam
Where most of the clothes do stink a bit and are mainly bought by your nan

JJB

Back in my teens I'd laugh at anyone for the craic
I didnt see that humour divides and lead down certain tracks
From get goers on The Word to Chris Evan's mate on TFI Friday
Even EuroTrash to Julian Clary's ever so camp and gay,
any humour hit the spot for me.

But life has changed.

Times have changed.

Humour has drastically changed.

This modern selection just finds me searching for more
The list is demographic, edgeless, toothless, even analytical to its core
You can't laugh at that as it may upset someone with less money
Give me Joan River's who didn't give two *****, honey
I miss the ruthlessness of Billy Connely, and that once of Frankie Boyle
Who seems to have quivered into the PC, just sunk into the modern soil

And the crowd that dominate just blend into oblivion
From Romesh Ranganathan to Ross Noble, Alex Brooker to Josh Widdecombe
TV programmes such as Citizen Khan onto the utterly humourless show called Mum
At least Blackadder had us in stitches and was a bit of fun!

Or maybe it's just me and I havent adapted to this modern world
Perhaps I'm stuck in the past and caught in a slightly off centre right wing whirl
Whatever it is I do still love some comics on the circuit that don't tire,
Jimmy Carr to Mickey Flanagan, old clips of Bill Hicks and the always brilliant Michael McIntyre

And my favourites such as Frank Skinner and onto Lee Mack
The others,
please,
somebody give them the sack.

JJB

Long since being a kid, he dismissed his parent bought toys
The Tonka truck and football, they were just for boys
He rummaged through his mums cupboard, tried on her high heels
Feeling taller and more ladylike, he loved the way they feel
Putting on lipstick once, he was bullied in the school yard
The lads all gathered round, throwing sticks and a plastic bollard
Crying in the boys toilets, not knowing what he'd done wrong
Mrs Miller came in with an arm, humming a lovely song
Gathering strength, momentum and a new face
It's a life I want to live, even if I'm now called Grace
As this is the way I want to be forever,
Yes,
Diamonds are for Trevor

JJB

When your heart is black and broken
And its weeks since we have spoken
I'm hoping it's not been sixteen years wasted in time
When there have been others waiting in line
For love is a one off thing
Not bound by words and a settlement ring
But by hope and a life we could be doing
Instead sat at the window,wondering,with a piece of gum
Just endlessly chewing

JJB

Its been a long night
The ones you fancied have left in fright
Anything'll do now
A fat one,
A badly dressed one,
A four kids at 22 one,
A Mackie Dees for breakfast one,
A ITV2 is my favourite channel one,
I just need reassurance and some fake love
Enough to just top me up
To keep me going from the break up I never saw coming
For this is now a kingdom with no rule,
So my love,

Get your coat (you've pulled).

JJB

In life we need someone to fall back onto
But when those options are gone
With no arms that are strong
We just keep falling
'Till crowd's do mass
To honor our untimely pass
On a Sunday all crowded on the grass
I wasn't ill just sick of it all
There's only so long you can stand so tall
And I'm sorry you were my last phonecall

I still love you though,
As forever,
I now fall
❤

JJB

Sorry. Did I say man?

I meant men.

Men never grow up.

#plural

JJB

He believes that one day we'll all travel in super speedy cars
Hitting speeds that'll burn up the roads tar
That we'll fly from country to country among the night skies
Landing a thousand miles away for American burger and fries
We'll speak through glass screens that he once saw on Thunderbirds
Have portable speaking devices invented scientists but used by nerds
Will break the speed of sound and stop fighting with swords
Only he dreamt this up now asleep on Concorde
What ever you believe just think it to come true
Because whatever you believe in then that dream is in you.

JJB

We'd rock up ready for the night
Whatever came our way
A beer
A bird
A fight

Not a care to what happened the next day
Hangovers were for the others
See me
See you
Lets see away the next few

Now I can't be bothered to even give you a call
3 pints to the wind and over I now fall
A lightweight
A has been
A seen the seens of my lifes movies scenes

Sat in my home just watching the setting sun
You don't know what youve got until it's gone
A little sigh
A smile of goodbye
A thought on life and how it just passed me by

Those Days

JJB

Will that day come
The one that changes everything
From being broke to the love of the land
Married my sweetheart
Now every stranger wants my hand
Would I leave my friends I have known for so long
Who helped me through all troubled times
To be the man they all now love just living out in Tuscon, Arizona
If those 6 numbers rolled in tonight, I'd have to make decisions
The only way I'd make that money would be with a gun,
HOLD UP! HANDS UP!
Right, thats me off to prison
But if those ***** did land in line
I'd be one happy chap
Smiling as those bells did chime
Thinking what I would buy next
That house, that car, dinner served by my own private chef
I'll watch them spin again tonight
All rolling with bated breath

JJB

One word, I told you not to say it
It's hurt
It's pain
It's it
This cannot go on with any purpose to it's relevance
I'm sorry but you have always known not to mention
It's tension
It's hold
But you had to be bold
I am so sorry
The love of my life,

But Thats Where it Ends.

JJB

Don't touch me
Don't feel me
All these things I'd do for a fee
The red lights are down low
Those scenes I'd do with my so called step-bro
But China knows nothing of this pandemic, oh-no
Our moneys stopped flowing
Our flesh has stopped showing
It makes a nice change as its just balloons were now blowing
I could explain a bit more but I don't want to get rude
As it's a life where the majority is solely crude
And I won't name any names as I really don't want to be sued
But I'm afraid to say it will pick up again sometime soon
Where we don our fake smiles and ******* our boots
Because thats the life we live as,
The Pornstars and the Prostitutes

JJB

I can't cry at a human death
Yet ball like a baby at my cats last breath
Nothing stirs my soul if its on the telly
Yet football with one last goal can devour me to my belly
Its not an act to try and look hard
That's just me, myself and I
A complete,
Emotional ****** 😢

JJB

Do animals believe in reincarnation
To come back as an army of ant's
And conquer this land as our reclamation

Do dog's wonder who picks up our daily poo
Who walks behind us everyday
And cleans us up all shiny and new

Do birds start to think why we don't ever fly
Just all walking around and driving our cars
Whilst leaving the clouds alone in the sky

I do wonder a lot of things in life as I look up to the sky,
As when I do meet my maker I'll have a list
Number one, please tell me God
As we've always wondered,
Just why, why, why?

JJB

Do animals think of reincarnation
To come back as an army of ants
Or its just us,
The selfish, we want more
Than this two legged, I rule this world,
Sensation 🤔

A thousand thoughts
I don't know where to begin
Let's simplify this conundrum
Stop
Think
Kettle on
Breathe
A cup of tea
Always the best beginning
Simplicity itself
Tea.
OK,
Lets begin...

JJB

3 months off and what did you do -

Learn Spanish?
Tile the bathroom?
Write that great novel you always said?
Rekindle lost love over the net?
Learn how to bake like the rest of the gang?
Its what we all do, it seems everyone can!

No

No I didn't

I watched box sets on Netflix and just got fat

Proper fat

JJB

Summer: Winter always rocks up when you least want it
Winter: And summers only stay until they turn toxic
Autumn: Then there's me rolling in like an unwanted smell from the gutter
Spring: But it's going to be OK kids, as I'll soon make it all feel like summer 🌞

We all breathe
Yet sometimes heave
Let out a sigh
Followed with a cry
It makes us live from lungs to bellows
How God made man from the dice that he throws
Instinct with nature,
Something that we never have to remember

And,

Breathe

JJB

They make the rules up,
They break the rules down

The nation looks on with a solemn frown
This from the men whom wear this country's crown

JJB