John Bartholomew

John Bartholomew Dec 2020

Long since being a kid, he dismissed his parent bought toys
The Tonka truck and football, they were just for boys
He rummaged through his mums cupboard, tried on her high heels
Feeling taller and more ladylike, he loved the way they feel
Putting on lipstick once, he was bullied in the school yard
The lads all gathered round, throwing sticks and a plastic bollard
Crying in the boys toilets, not knowing what he'd done wrong
Mrs Miller came in with an arm, humming a lovely song
Gathering strength, momentum and a new face
It's a life I want to live, even if I'm now called Grace
As this is the way I want to be forever,
Yes,
Diamonds are for Trevor

JJB

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe." - Joan Rivers

I just look like a transvestite when I try to dress up. There's no place to hide my *****. - Sarah Silverman

It ***** to be a boy having his period - Anon

John Bartholomew Dec 2020

Just Watch Me Die

I step out
Scan the crowd
This is still new to me
OK, some classics to break the ice
They grumble
A few mumbles
And then I stumble
That one topical joke that fell flat on its face
Wether it be running, religious or race
This one sunk without a trace
Stick to the day job, this isnt for you
Some like you in spades, but only the few
But in life you have to give everything a try
Maybe not stand-up comedy
The shudders
The snarles
The stares
Wow,
Just watch me die

JJB

When has stand-up comedy been kind to anyone? It goes after anyone who's the target. Comedy attacks, man. - Sam Kinison

Stand-up comedy is something that you have to strive to do, multiple times a night, every night, to be good. - Ali Wong

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer. - Dane Cook

John Bartholomew Dec 2020

Broken

When your heart is black and broken
And its weeks since we have spoken
I'm hoping it's not been sixteen years wasted in time
When there have been others waiting in line
For love is a one off thing
Not bound by words and a settlement ring
But by hope and a life we could be doing
Instead sat at the window,wondering,with a piece of gum
Just endlessly chewing

JJB

John Bartholomew Dec 2020

The View From Another Me

Watching
Waiting
Slowly avoiding the mistakes I often made
A chess piece with no alternative control
Unmaneuverable actions that always took it's toll
From walking to now his wheelchair must roll
Paralyzed but that won't stop his determined soul
If I could tell him one thing it would probably be wrong
He took it upon himself to be a part of his own song
And that's just how his life now will sadly go on.

JJB

John Bartholomew Dec 2020

Get Your Coat (You've Pulled)

Its been a long night
The ones you fancied have left in fright
Anything'll do now
A fat one,
A badly dressed one,
A four kids at 22 one,
A Mackie Dees for breakfast one,
A ITV2 is my favourite channel one,
I just need reassurance and some fake love
Enough to just top me up
To keep me going from the break up I never saw coming
For this is now a kingdom with no rule,
So my love,

Get your coat (you've pulled).

JJB

John Bartholomew Nov 2020

The Fall-back Option

In life we need someone to fall back onto
But when those options are gone
With no arms that are strong
We just keep falling
'Till crowd's do mass
To honor our untimely pass
On a Sunday all crowded on the grass
I wasn't ill just sick of it all
There's only so long you can stand so tall
And I'm sorry you were my last phonecall

I still love you though,
As forever,
I now fall
❤

JJB

John Bartholomew Nov 2020

The Man That Never Grew Up

Sorry. Did I say man?

I meant men.

Men never grow up.

#plural

JJB