John Bartholomew

John Bartholomew Aug 2019

It's a funny idea, of course this I know
A life of moving symmetry, around me they all do flow
None come up near me as it's a puzzle to you all
You wouldnt understand my strange brain, the deeper you would fall
I watch you peer as you drive, does he live on there alone
My small garden, one pear tree, guarded by my green gnome
I still pay tax, all common bills, and work not like some hermit
It's the way I live my life, just because others do not see fit
The drive as small as a room, just space for 2 small bins
But drive in forwards, never reverse, for this would be a sin
I sometimes regret what I've done, but hey, you're only here once
No friends visit here anymore, maybe I acted the dunce
For a life of peace, quiet, no neighbours, it really takes some beating
But if the boiler breaks, no plumbers come, I'll live without the heating

JJB

John Bartholomew Aug 2019

Sharks

Circling
Waiting
Sniffing
Preying
In for the ****
We all know one
Nothing better to do
Hated but sometimes loved
Monstrous but also as peaceful as a dove

Attack
Ripped
You had been tipped
Blood on the carpet yet to be cleaned
Off they swim with teeth that now gleam
Tails swagging as they have done their job
Everyone looking as they are the top ****
Nice as pie later on as they buy you a pint in the pub
You take it as its them but would really rather snub

For they are the ones who love they're own bark
A little fish who thinks they're as big as the Cutty Sark
Looking up they love you to know they are on the lark
As they are the ******* who ruins your day
For they are what we all know in life as

The Shark

JJB

John Bartholomew Aug 2019

Prefab life (In God We Trust)

A new roundabout
On the edge of town
Ten new shops to enliven their frowns

Costa Coffee or a Starbucks to entice the local folk
But where did it come from as built in a flash
As just yesterday it was but a local gap

McDonalds, B&M along with a Home Sense
No builders on scene as they are erected overnight
The real trades of the world now taken over by factory plight

Lets build, let's shop as their skills now no longer needed
Prefabbed in a factory somewhere downtown where these are now all seeded

As we don't care as long as the shopper is well catered for
Making our millions along with the rest
We see the dollar as our new friend and the internet our second best

For we also love the pound as we are the megabuck rich
In another life we were really all just ******
Loving the life of a millionaire with the tradesmen now feeling just broke and sore

If hell hath no fury like a woman scorned then trades are next in line
For we see our money as the devil incarnate
And this time round we really could not wait

The world is spinning into a colossal whirlwind of desire and scorn
Our allegiances are narrowly sewn into paper now easily torn
As it doesn't matter what you are taught its to whom you are now to born

Money makes the world go round as it was also Prefab made
He has a million others all spinning around
For we are all some Gods slave

JJB

Why are we asked to pray after a disaster? Hasn't god made it clear that he doesn't give a ****? - Frankie Boyle

The most heinous and the must cruel crimes of which history has record have been committed under the cover of religion or equally noble motives - Ghandi

“In God We Trust.” I don’t believe it would sound any better if it were true - Mark Twain

A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows - Mark Twain

John Bartholomew Aug 2019

Oh, that's him in...?

Oh look, it's what's his name
He was in that thing with...
Corrie?
No, well he might have been
Oh, you mean on BBC one a few years ago
Yes
He played a copper along with Denis, oh, I forget
Waterman?
No, he was in the Sweeney
That was the Seventies
He's old enough
The Bill?
No, that was ITV
Well, you've lost me
Google it
Google what?
His name?
Well you don't know his name!
Oh I give up
Hopper?
On BBC one?
He might have been in a film
Hmm, maybe
Right...it must have been Dennis Waterman
I'm telling you, it's not Dennis Waterman
Well, I give up, and so does Google
(2 minute silence watching the programme)
I've got it! Bill Paterson
He looks nothing like Dennis Waterman!
Same age...ish
Your mad
(A shrug of the shoulders)
Right, I'm going out
Yeah...see'ya

Thinks to herself...Bill Paterson...I think he was in a film actually

Oh, that's him in...

JJB

John Bartholomew Aug 2019

Someday (Whilst dreaming in co-op)

Chasm
That's the space you want to fill
Looking out of the window whilst serving on the till
People buying those tickets for a load they only dream
Lotteries around the world letting off that mystic steam

Waiting
Maybe they'll pick you up that unknown multi millionaire
Living a life now in a dream without a single care
Your thoughts of a dramatic career basically now a flop
So why would that man of influence be shopping in co-op?

Dreaming
Looking at the Cava thinking its only cheap Champagne
What should I wear to Sharon's party as that top is now stained
Who's going to be there I suppose the usual bunch of boys
Then he pulled up in front of my door, a Silver Rolls Royce

Hello
Older but not by much he stumbles through, such a panic
Do you have anything to get this stain away from such fabric
Hot water, a good scrub as he ripped it off down to his tum
I took it, soap and then some, you'd be the kind of girl to meet my mum

Someday
Dried under the blower in the ladies toilet
I'm sure if I got with him he'd have my life summed up
So thankful he threw it on and told me I was his hero
I blushed, felt good for a while but then back down to zero

Again,

Someday

JJB

John Bartholomew Aug 2019

Inside a Comics Head

So its audience first
Hello
Scan
A quick joke
Scan
Chat
A short story
A heckle
I heckle back
Can I make you feel any smaller
I'll get your name
Your my go too guy
Another story
Racist maybe?
To an extent
Where am I?
I'm up north
Should be OK
Swig of drink
Gather yourself
Joke
A look to the clock
2 minutes left
Last joke
Walk off
Slight wave
Sit in car
Cry
When does this get any better
Drive home
#repeat

JJB

John Bartholomew Jul 2019

Unfinished Everything's

There once was a time when the time was now
Make this your plan, your goal, your forever be
But it lapsed
It'll come round again you say
Thinking of that smile and joy
Laughing because they actually liked you
But know its on relapse and that time is gone forever
Seize the minute, the hour, the non forgotten past
Embrace what it was and never let it go
You may meet again in a time when now is no good
Or hear a song reminding you of how they did sing
For there will always be,

Unfinished Everything's

JJB