John Bartholomew

John Bartholomew Aug 2018

You thought it
You dreamt it
You put it into a pass
She heard it
She ignored it
She'd heard it somewhere in the past
Your punching
You've no chance
Your well out of your league
She's stunning
She knows this
She's from another seed
Yes she likes you
Yes you're no Cupid
And yes, you did say something stupid,

And that's probably why she's with you

JJB

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.” ― Albert Einstein

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” ― George Carlin

“In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.” ― Napoléon Bonaparte

“Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.” ― Laurence J. Peter

“Stupidity isn't punishable by death. If it was, there would be a hell of a population drop.” ― Laurell K. Hamilton

John Bartholomew Jul 2018

A Death Less Funny Than Most

You laughed
You really did laugh
At a joke so morbid yet clear
Seen as a sin
Now straight in the bin
To chuckle at something so near
I'm hurt
Were hurt
A group so new and always it seems in fear
Offended
Say it again, now reoffended
by a story so funny it used to bring a tear
For humour is old
To be told is now bold
That now lurks in us all as a ghost,

For it is,

A Death Less Funny Than Most

JJB

He who takes offence when no offence is intended is a fool, and he who takes offence when offence is intended is a greater fool - Brigham Young

If you are going to be offended by other people's opinions then maybe you should consider keeping yours to yourself - Anonymous

I'm offended by things and take pathetic little stands against them - Tom Stoppard

Being Offended Doesn't Make You Right - Anonymous

John Bartholomew Jul 2018

Paralysis

Since I became paralysed I've lost the will to use it
My instinct, my never say never, my last minute don't give a ****,
now just a gurgle in a draining sink

I'd say to the wife, let's stay here, book a room, a night of passion,
not a care in the drop of a beat
Now I must pre-book, distinctly decide,
accessible doors and not to forget the supps, the **** and an inco sheet

The cage maybe open but the beast is still asleep,
only awoken by a blue pill for the night
A reliance now dependant on who signs the scribble,
paid for by the NHS and who's not feeling to tight

Are there steps and is it really going to be worth it
the struggle, the helping out and sometimes feeling like a useless ***
OK, so its not really that bad
I just emphasis the crap points that sometimes make me sad

But its a new way of life you really had better believe
to have back what I had before, yes I often do grieve
but there is no going back as it is what it is
keep your head up,
keep your heart strong and try and regain that lost fizz

JJB

I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head - George C. Wallace

People get in auto accidents, they're paralyzed for life. I got hurt worse getting married - Jake LaMotta

Some people are walking around with full use of their bodies and they're more paralyzed than I am - Christopher Reeve

John Bartholomew Jul 2018

Little Lion Cub

Sometimes they think they are it
the man of the house, demanding when sat, a real big hit
relishing the chain of command over those who wait on hand and foot
for they start off small, expecting so much more,
as they have written the book

But let’s not forget who is the real master here
they are just a cub, cute yet endearing,
but you’d rather be down the pub supping a beer
scratching the sofa with eyes so large they are easily forgiven
killing flies and onto mice, it is how they are driven

As the kitten is a creature yet to grow into its fold
playing like a baby does until its days of old
they’ll fight and cry like kids, you’ll hear them on the street
they won’t give up, soft yet tough,
never knowing when they’re beat

A dog is fun and obeys command, yet these things rarely do
you’ll call all night, their name out loud, but never return on que
yet eat you out of house and home,
Felix down to the last lick of the butter tub
as they are animal of selfish wit,
a beast when grown but will always be my,

Little Lion Cub

JJB

“Cats are connoisseurs of comfort." ― James Herriot

"If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much." ― Mark Twain

"A cat has absolute emotional honesty: human beings, for one reason or another, may hide their feelings, but a cat does not. "― Ernest Hemingway

"Never try to outstubborn a cat."― Robert A. Heinlein

John Bartholomew Jul 2018

Won't Die Wondering

Do it, just ******* do it
Is something holding you back
Your here just the once, unless religious turmoil is on track
Ingenuity was never going to get you the sack

You clever beast, never regret that time you did
Thoughts of woe and wondering why you never got rid
So many things to do in life, that final last bid
Go on, jump, bungee from the Clifton Suspension Bridge

Time is short, that bucket list will never grow again
One hundred moral sins listed, do them all and put down that curious pen
They'll give you a mark on that audacious headstone once dead, 10 out of 10
You'll have a gathering, whats he going to do next, everyone wanting to be your friend

Its a roller coaster ride, a thousand bumps on course
A name to be made of songs they will no doubt sing
Travelled the world from Auckland, New Zealand to Hertfordshire, Tring
For you are a soul, a man not left head scratching, for you,

Wont Die Wondering

JJB

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues - Abraham Lincoln

It's been quite a ride. I loved every minute of it - Charlton Heston

The flower has opened, has been in the sun and is unafraid. I'm taking more chances; I'm bold and proud - Paula Cole

Wrinkles will only go where the smiles have been - Jimmy Buffett

John Bartholomew Jul 2018

Nobody's Fault But My Own

A flitter, a flutter, whats a few quid on a bet
the folly broke its leg on that run, better call that final vet
much like the creature that ran its last race
there are certain things in this life that I cannot face

Her high pitched scream of a laugh is almost a squeal
such a pretty face but her mannerisms and depth I cannot deal
I laughed, tagged along, at first it all seemed so great
but it ends up so weary, solemn yet teary, its day has had its final fate

She had her ups, I had my downs, to be away was my final curtain
had to leave the house, crept to the bookies like a sneaky woodlouse, that divorce was almost certain
but I prefer a bet to her hair, and to always be there, hold the phone, there's a tip at the 3:30 in Ripon
my friends said I must be mad, to leave that beauty, oh so bad, well yes, I must be ****** trippin

But that's life i'm afraid, we all have plans that must be laid, some leading wholly in the wrong direction
she's with some other man now, almost the size of a baby cow, I'm sure their bubba will be perfection

So the bookies it still calls, if its horses to Saturdays goals, those dice will always for me be thrown
for it is what it is, a life as a quiz, what will tomorrow bring, as it really is,

nobody's fault but my own

JJB

Eat your betting money but don't bet your eating money - Anon

The best throw of the dice is to throw them away. –Unknown

The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. –Kin Hubbard

A gambler never makes the same mistake twice. It's usually three or more times. –Terrence "VP Pappy" Murphy

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. –Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)

You know, horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people. –Will Rogers

John Bartholomew Jul 2018

I can so I do (A Poem for Donald Trump)

I started out with nothing,
just a million bucks and flying **** attitude,
a family business already in the run, rents in Manhattan to the man on the street, dude

A degree in economics to taking over Ms World,
every real man’s fascination,
hey, let’s give it a name, something catchy, yeah,
The Trump Organization

For Trump is a name, a brand,
such fame and is never to be forgotten,
he’ll have it sewn into golfers clothes, courses around the world, even up in wee bonnie Scotland

Women from around the globe,
Ivana to Marla now married to the stunning Melania Knauss,
sure she knows his real views buts prefers the money when being this intransigent fools spouse

The telly roles came flooding in,
from Zoolander down to his own The Apprentice,
America’s branded self-made billionaire,
oh what a little lie that really is

Time to move on with a business
that was now becoming a bit of a bore,
only one step left to take,
US President now mostly hated to the core

His views on foreign aid and the Mexicans infuriating all
keep them out, they’re stealing our Yankee jobs,
so let’s build a big ******* wall

Who else is going to sweep the floors,
wash the cars and keep the lousy jobs afloat,
the American economy is built on these,
can’t see Chad or Hank jumping into this boat

He continues to rock the boat everywhere he goes,
wiping dandruff from Emmanuel Macron shoulder to upsetting those he doesn’t even know

Kim Jon-un and the whole of North Korea,
he took on the Rocket Man,
now they’re are best mates, he stopped World War 3,
hell they even shared a beer can!

So how long can this last before the mask slowly drops and his plans are scuppered by all,
the pensioners and the hillbilly’s all took they’re vote,
a Republican who wants a world wide brawl

For this is the land of the brave and the free,
a vision well received way back in the fifties,
but times they have changed and the world's a bigger place,
still in by 2020?

But the world loves a trier,
God knows this is true but one with a better plan,
for some of his policies have hit the spot but dare we leave this world in his hands

Yes he is funny, almost comedic in parts,
but trust him to pull this thing through?
his policies are stubborn, childish in truth, for he sees it as this,

I can so I do

JJB

‘I have tremendous respect for women’ - Donald Trump

“An ‘extremely credible source’ has called my office and told me that Barack Obama’s birth certificate is a fraud” - Donald Trump

“Ariana Huffington is unattractive, both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man – he made a good decision.” – Donald Trump

“I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.” - Donald Trump

This man effectively runs our world - John Bartholomew