I just can not do it,
oh not any more.

I'm a rusty wheel still turning,
but the spinning and running,
ended a long time ago.

I'm an empty husk,
the snake skin left over,
from a serpent long slivered.

The passion has come and gone,
as the wind blows from the east,
setting with the cool sun in the west,
and the day turns to black starless night,
so too do I fall into the the pitch,
a quiet hell resounding.

But no devils speak to me,
oh the joys if they would deign to torture me,
no, no, no dear, no.
I am left alone.
The only words of recoil that I do hear,
Are the sharp respites my own mind come come upon,
Jumping up on and and every one of my shallow young boy fears.
The inadequacies of life and the man not leading.

So I'll sit back in this chair, and let life come to me.
I'm tired of ******* and having it feel so empty.
I can fill no wombs, so I'll sleep singularly.
Maybe it will fit me. Maybe my spark will come back.
Or maybe we are all just dreaming.
A dream of future glories, never to be.
And the walls of our reality.
Are always just crumbling.

On the one hand confidence
On the other humility,
And the middle path?
Success.

Hustle.
******* work.
Make yourself great.
You don't need goals.
You need to be the best you.

Remember where you came from.
Burn yourself at your lowest point in your mind.
Feel sickened. Never again.
For yourself. No one else.

Make your money. Earn your living.
Accept nothing less.
You are the best.
Get the best. And Give only what and to those,
Whom you deem worthy.

Take the punches.
Nothing will beat you up like life.
You will get knocked down.
Get up. Even if it's the next day.
Don't stay down. The most you'll ever be alive,
Is when you are closest to dying.

Rule your emotions.
Do not be ruled by them.
Therefore you shall rule others,
Who will fall prey to your will and
perseverance, while,
being consumed by their own emotional pulls.

Keep a vision in your mind.
What you are. What you want.
What you need. Who you want there with you.
Take it. Own it. Own yours.
And then tell me,
How Great You Are.

A metamorphosis she wrote
a little death he hoped
a matter exchange
a frown in the window pane
among a weeping black sky
in the middle of the day time
alone

oh the box is your home
little one you know
ive tried to get you to move out
but my words feel on sour notes
comfort comfort
as you choke

its digusting its morose
its beautiful its enthralling
its the truth its a hoax
its ugly its withdrawing
into your shell your cocoon

though no butterfly promotes
only carcass as your womb
just a shy regret
entombs.

It makes me ******* sick.
Hearing you ask if I am happy,
Knowing very well that I can't be happy,
Knowing very well that when I needed you most, to just say, "there,there"
You disappeared.

I haven't been truly happy in four long years. I've grown up so much but it seems I've left only a trail of n'er shed tears.
It's a cold and bitter road, here
Looking into the past and seeing yourself,
Conquered by self defeating fear, to know I had so many chances and one left or one right, and more likely than not you'd still be near.

There is no forgiveness there's just rot. We call it moving forward, it's natural they say, but for me it's not. It's grim like the reaper and it keeps me up a lot flashes of flashes, of futures unwrought.

So you come to me now wondering how I've been. And these tortures of mind begin to circle in. I'm sly and smooth at first. But so very soon I'm pushing. Pressing. Reminding you of my desperate longing for a memory of you to end my phoney lonely self. You shut down. God you were always the best at shutting down, such an adorable abnoxious little tick.. **** I still love you. **** does it make me sick.

A friend came to me,
and showed me some
genuine kindness.
I felt plastic.
My face wasn't right.
My pounds weighed heavily upon
my stone heart.
The alcohol
which brought some lies
in the form of false facade.
burnt away, thought the mask remained
She looked in my eyes
Smiling,
knowing.
I hate the knowing.
Because I know not myself.
And I know all too well.
It is disgusting.
I wanted to tell her everything.
As I bit my tongue
I understand
I interrupted
I'll think about it
I appreciate it.
I listen but don't hear
I can't.
My life story is a burden
I refuse to place on others
This weight I bear.
This depression, always in the back.
She had seen.
Naked. Raw. Open. Exposed. Defeated.
I feel at a loss.
When I know I should have won.
Someone irreplaceable.
Someone I should not love.
But show me that genuine kindness.
Understand. And I am done.
My gift is my curse.
My heart beats for no one.

Every time I se her name
On someone else's face
I want to cry and die

Oh I can't make money
On the blood I print.
I'm just another voice in the wind
Screaming "Here I am!"

And the gods are still silent.
Just like you, irreverent
to the needs of such an inhumble
man.

What an Auspicious night my friends,
    What a day in fact,
What a life
What a reflecting Knife,
What with it’s ticker-tack bindings taught with rife,
Yes with the moon’s self served cursed light
That’s right down into my very soul
The pull of which yearns evermore for yet
Another empty ***** and tet-tet
It gets what it rents, it bleeds what it brecks,
It feeds what it mets, is leads where it regrets
Oh yes my friends
Oh yes
What an auspicious night
What a day in fact
What a death


And you wake up alone
In the village you built years ago
Not as you as you are
But you as as you were
Or some oft changed memory of, like soft spun tar
Molded shaped and bent,
Broken in fact by the ravages and scars,
Of nothing, of no one, of nobody,
Of everything, of everyone, of ever body,
All humans, all animals, all life
No people, no beasts, no strife
The cold carcass of the molten sun
The future the past of another man’s son,
What does it mean, what does it mean,
You turn your head in the village
But every stone is me


The night ends to the rise
Of not a start but a doom

Luck is gone Love was a chemistry
Engineered and now revereried
Lipple lap the gods they laugh
As the dice has been cast low and strung
Aye further now you’ve fallen but higher you have come
You split yourself in pieces unbeknownst to anyone
Even your own mind unwitting to the deception
As the chortles bortle onwards ad nauseum
This prophecy disintegrating as it goes on
What is left what is left
You sat there alone for years stuck
This is just the price to pay
For the dam of time to unbrook
What an auspicious night my friends
    In fact
What a day
In fact

I feel like my eyes, my skin,
Are like ties that bind me.
Lies that tithe my being.
Holding in my soul,
And that I'm numb,
I can't even feel,
Only the tears I cannot cry,
Are real.
Just a shell,
Oh living, living not a live,
living a lie an imposter,
peroposteroulsy going through the emotions,
thinking I'll be understood,
when no one dares to look under the hood,
Much less the mirage in the mirror,
Just echoes of fears and faded glories,
Scars of my own making.
And yet somehow it comforts me,
Darling dearest run far away,
Even as it with every step,
I become more empty.
I'm selfish, lovely,
And your beautiful facade,
masks my emptiness.
Into the void I wish to go,
But I have no bravery.
Just a shell,
A puppet,
Of some joke unseen.

Years later now you are still in my dreams,
so sweet they make me sick and I awake in a
cold sweat. alone. freezing but truly devoid of
all feeling. numb. but nauseous with my traitorous heart
riotously repeating. ba bump ba bump ba bump.
but they never said it would be so fleeting
the one in your life you loved in a world so
misleading following you back into your psyche
your silly boy dreams all these years later
beginning to end and back again the poetic meanings
and you just want to call her a ***** but you can not bring
yourself to stop breathing and start screaming
only darkness is comforting where do you go
to forget you need eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
but mine is only bleeding and my gut is ripping myself open so simply
that I feel like a child teething, bone going through gums cutting
and gnashing and your face your beautiful face and your smile
and laugh and those eyes and your body and your soul and your
****** up heart and mind wrapping around mine but no
years later I still realize everything we had was merely
a Lie.

You are like a ghost,
Haunting me, waking, dreaming,
****, woman, It is you that makes my heart,
go beating off into the wilds,
randomly, fleeting,
Screeching, and into my gut,
where the butterflies are singing,
I can't get you out, of my blood,
my worthless pulse that wont stop beating,
Its discreet and it makes me think,
If I had it over again, I wouldn't be leaving,
Not ever, not if you were cutting my very
Organs our from under my being,
Till I bled out and died, with your eyes on mine,
Cuz I've left you a thousand times, scared of what,
You could be reading, into my scars, and my flaws,
My ticks, and my insecurities, they talk,
Like little green men to crazy men,
Oh I'm insane and my depression is carrying me therein,
And no death is gruesome enough to be worse than,
A life alone, without you in it,
Its melodramtic, I know,
I have no one to confide upon so,
I'll tell it all to my pen,
Worthless strokes, full of worthless thoughts,
To convey meaningless feelings,
Oh insanity, thou art the love I feel,
I'd give it all up, oh I'd sell my soul,
I'd let loose my demons, and I'd carry your hell,
I'd fight god himself, I'd cry in public,
Just end it all, stop flaunting your sickeningly
Pretty face, your gorgeous smile, your pretty brown eyes,
That *** that are all my hands remember,
The fear I felt then as if I was in the presence of the 8th world wonder,
I can't get it out, not when your here, and I look so weak,
If I send you out, and I think twice in the mirror,
The closer you get, maybe one day then,
I'll get one more chance, And,
I wont lose you, Again.

The worst part about my life is
I still dream of you
And when I do
I wake myself up
Sit up slowly
And look to my left.

All that wander inside me,
Are lost, lost.

All the gone souls,
All the dead people,
Hearing their bells toll.

Ring, ring.
Something we used to be.
But I won't pick up the phone.

Sing, sing.
Oh how I listened intently,
To lies of my own demise.
Demure.

****, ****.
These little fragments.
Of my whole.
Failure.

Away, Away,
future is gone,
Today.
The past circles around and,
I have nothing else left to,
Say.

Riddle me this,
Riddle dee dee.

How does one
Be Happy?

Depression is the worst of all diseases.
IT never leaves.

Half the poems I like
I do so simply because
I think you are hot
To be fair now, I mean
Inside and out.

I'm already thinking
of how beautiful
the next epitaph
will be.

I saw you just the other day...
you know my days and nights they are
blending together more than I might like.

People say they are lost. But I am found.
I am found lacking.
I am found empty.
But I am definitely here.
I am definitely watching.
Thinking.
****, you haunt me.
That stain, that sigh, that lie.
The fear, the joy, that cry.
The letter you wrote
The songs we sang,
in the night,
in the night.

What was your name?
Where did you go?
How have you been?
Would you, like to,
try again?
Are you happy?
What's it like,
do I stay in your heart
Or am I washed away in the tide,
in the gives and pulls
of a younger time.

Yeah, I saw you there,
and I must admit,
it all ran through my mind.
I saw you there, back turned,
but I knew.
Even in front of a Hello Kitty store,
I--

And then I walked away.

Be Careful who you love,
Your heart will follow them,
Wherever you Go.

Guard who you trust,
Despite what you may hope,
The world is filled with lust.

Watch yourself growing up,
Just because you get old,
Does not mean you've reached the mountaintop.

Don't let your pain make you,
Hold the scars on your heart,
And become who you must.

Find your consistency,
The world will beat you down,
Be the rock others, gather around.

It's the quiet moments,
of existential dread,
Where your character opens.

Be the happiness you seek,
Worthy ones won't come,
Unless you are at peace.

Find the strength to say no,
The easy way deceiveth,
The hard, long road, will provideth.

And you don't need a religion,
But nurture your soul,
Even if it's with,
A simple little poem.

Oh, Music
The kind of music
that excites the part of my mind
that makes me feel separate from mankind

The ******* rush of the void
slick softening comfort of the dark
like the sick arousing relief of your wife leaving you
the smile you swallow in the back of our throat, the only truth

As if, at last, I don't have to be... anything to anyone,
I can just hate and wallow and satiate,
my own made up desires
a husk. a beautiful dusk of a once bright human
being.
As if. But tomorrow always brings,
that disgusting dawn.

It's that last sound on her lips,
that little whisper on that phone call,
the affection and warmth that lingers beyond.

It's just the way she said you were adorable,
as if you were cared for,
for the very first time,
that maybe you thought to yourself,
maybe this is alright,
you didn't think it then,
you couldn't you were speechless,
powerless, weak,
as of yet untested by the vestiges of time,
of the loss of even that connection that line,
you had no idea of how uncomfortable peace could be,
of how ruinous letting your hear love,
could be. You just didn't know. You couldn't

So you sat there, and smiled, and
you couldn't see your face but you know your eyes shined.
In a light that hadn't been seen before,
That you're unsure if it has ever shined since.
You listen to those light piano keys,
on random youtube videos,
and each and every melody takes you back,
and it's just that last little sound on her lips,
just that last little whisper on that phone call,
The affection and warmth that lingers beyond,
When she said,
"I love you."

I came back for my own memorial,
I sat back and smiled,
only you could see me,
I knew you would.
Your eyes could not perceive but
you believed
and with your heart I met yours and you cried
deeply.

The blades of grass swayed,
and mostly everyone talked and laughed,
but you were hardly breathing.
I remembered now when I was a baby,
Teething, looking at you there was indeed, a nostalgic feeling
Bone cutting through flesh, inside being rendered
outward but I'm nothing, not anymore,
Just an apparition, a memory of that person I used to be,
And after a while your heart stopped bleeding,
And you closed your eyes and decided,
My smile was disheartening
And I died.
Oh, so quickly.

If, Tomorrow…

If tomorrow I was gone,
Would you Still remember me?
If tonight I ceased to breathe,
Would you still feel for me?

If tomorrow, I was missing,
Would you care to look for me?
If in the morn’ I was nothing but bones,
Would you still know me?

If tomorrow, I disappeared,
Would there be searches for me?
If I felt like dying,
Would you rescue me?

If tomorrow I screamed,
Would you still hate me?
If my anger burned you,
Would you forget me?

If tomorrow I was dead,
Would I leave anything?
If tomorrow I was gone,
Would anyone miss me?

You heard your music wasn't as good.
You heard your voice wasn't
What it used to be.

You heard your lyrics weren't as raw.
Being healthy was no help.
No help at all.

The Millions faded, and you went from a day,
a way, a life, a future, a time, a moment,
ongoing, growing, building, moving.

And now you're faded.
You're that shirt I've worn for far too many days.
You were told, told.

Oh, but I know,
I'm nothing special myself,
I won't pay your bills.
I won't pay mine.

But at the right moment,
Oh at the right time
Your music,
Was my Possibility Day.
And I told you.
Your music. It's fine.

La, la la, la.

My life got ****** up fast.

Ha, ha ha, ha.

The best is past.

Happiness scares me
it truly frightens
a pitter-patter, pitter-patter
thumpening of the heart
I cant breathe, cant see
I want to run away
I dull the emotion so I no longer
have to feel this terror
oh god its everywhere I cut it cut it out
ah thats better its gone shes gone its gone
isnt that so much better I can stand and sit alone
my knees dont feel so weak, just numb
i like numb it fits so much better

Ah I love the sadness I love the catharsis
how do these people go on in their lives
in their pursuit of happiness
doesnt it scare them? don't they feel that fear?
I don't understand I don't understand I don't understand
Am I the one that is wrong? Am I the one that is broken?
no one ever thinks like this, I think
So therefore I'm right to think it's them not me
The logic is cold and comforting
warmer than a blanket, more nourishing than a womb
but not joyous no, not delightful
just a release, a pressure eased, a knuckle cracked, a muscle popped
a dark room with a cold breeze
a lone mountain with foreboading clouds
a lover gone, a possibility erased
ah-- bliss, in emphatic apathy
I am safe

I saw you on the screen
But when I looked into your eyes
I realized, we are all just mirrors
And that the Destiny lies in the
In between.

You can cover yourself in makeup,
As I cover myself in my lies,
But lady, lovely, I would die,
If it would only mean,
You would wake up,
Bare for only mine eyes to see,
Your naked soul there,
Next to me. Warming.

The sun does rise, I promise you,
Sweetly, and those hard times,
You find yourself upon emptily,
Wisdom is not gained happily, no,
The pain you know seem all consuming,
But release onto me your sorrows and trials,
And I will consummate your trust verily.

And In that darkness where you find yourself
alone and cold among strangers just know
Any one of us could be someone you love
if only you gave life a chance then, surely,
You'll find some light to guide you home
And you just might find me waiting for you there,
You, my perfect Destiny.

Write poetry, his heart did tell him.

So he closed his eyes and described a tree,
But it's verdant leaves built upon great,
Amber seams. Did not settle the ache.

In fact the more his minds eye did capture the veins coursing, Pre-written, as if trapped by fate, so too did he feel more empty.

The harder I sought to hold the feeling of the wind, cool and comfortable, like a child's blanket, on that warm day.

The deeper I needed to tell the world, or just a someone, how the city lights gleamed upon the burgundy sunset, how right it felt to be there in that moment as the world changed, just so before me.

The desire continued only more, the hunger it would not stop, it was ravenous, as I idled by thinking of how to capture the light in her eyes, even as my heart now breaking, like raging waves upon land anchoring some apple dangling, twisting, and snapping back just out of the wrathful sea.

But the fruit of knowledge isn't for me. Even if I were to have it, never could I see. I'd be blind, even with omnipotence, ah even with her praise... I'd just smile for a little while... but then... I'd get hungry.

How can I get it back, how can I trade my love in word? No when I can only paint the shades of black. When I want the horror and lust, and not the beautiful rust, of words and ink bleeding on the page of, just... I don't know.

My metaphors ran out. I guess my hunger won out because they say at the end you don't starve anymore. You're delusional and delirious and the endorphins and your mind finds peace, and the emptiness that lies beyond.

Ah because that's where I am now. The place which poetry has given me. A gift or a curse. I know not anymore to decide.

I’m sorry that I’m the problem.
Oh let me tell you I’m sorry for being the way I am.
I’m sorry that I like you and I like her.
I’m so sorry that I want you in my arms..
I’m sorry that I can’t change.
I’m sorry that I create issues.
I’m sorry that I fight for what I say.
I’m just sorry that I disgust you.
And I’m sorry that other guys who do the same.
Get called better names.
I’m sorry instead of playing with a taken person, I stood my ground and walked away.
I apologize for like women, in the selfish, self serving, greedy way
That only I can.
I’m sorry for respecting, at every endeavor, to walk away.
Yet still yearning for them to turn, and off their hands.
I am sorry for being lonely, strange, weird, annoying.
I am sorry for being human.
I am sorry that your feelings matter more than mine,
I am sorry that who I am gets lost in the shuffle.
I’m sorry for arguing, for fighting, for not denying certain truths.
I’m incredibly sorry for this pain I feel, not even knowing you.
I’m sorry that you felt the need to isolate me.
I’m sorry that you don’t know me.
I’m sorry that I’m needy.
I’m sorry that I push too hard, as others don’t try at all, or try much harder.
I’m sorry that I don’t look that good.
I’m truly sorry for all my knicks, mis-intentions, and flaws.
I’m sorry for this stupid poem, for venting.
And, gosh, I’m just so sorry, that I’m nothing at all.

Except the jokes on you. I’m not sorry at all and neither are you. If you read this, you’ll blink nary an eye, all your suspicions will be true. What a creep. How uncomfortable is this feeling, in my seat.
Hypocrisy is a wheel, lookism an ideal, and people like me, the pieces that don’t fit.
Truly a sorry lot, all.

Write a poem
To change my soul
So maybe I won't feel
Nothing at all
Decrepit
Mmm sweet release.

I'll howl at the moon,
And still my words will never reach you.

I'll stare at the ever same sun you watch set,
for a thousand years,
and still never again cast my gaze upon you.

I'll think of every way to, sway your heart,
like verdant palm trees in a strong breeze,
strong, and yielding, to me.

And I'll write every ounce of my joy,
Into this soft spoken pen,
Thinking, if, and only then.

But I'm a monster without a name,
Even still, my roar fades all the same.
I'm good at something, oh to be sure,
I'm very good at pushing,
The few ones I can love,
away for good.

It was a dark night,
and the man laid along the road,
and the moon wasn't there,
but it never shown so bright,
He dreamed a dream,
But the sun shone,
and woke him anyway.

Yesterday, eloquently
Feeling.

Today, apathy
Resounding.

Breathe a little in,
Oh, little boy, let it all out,
Put the pen to the paper, man,
And maybe you'll have someone to listen.
The letters can be your imaginary friends,
Close your eyes, they'll even smile,
They'll adore you.
But I won't, and when you go outside,
All you'll find is rain.
There will be no parade today,
No, not for you, nothing but pain,
Numbness, right before the drum,
bang bang bang, oh you have so much to beat,
but still, no one cares. Not even a peep.
The walls stop answering, little one,
They took away your bed so where will you sleep?
Your dreams scare you awake, the things inside you,
Tormenting your future, kills who you could be,
Don't worry, smoke this tree,
It's herbal, medicine, a natural remedy,
Just what you need.
The twigs will listen,
breathe in so deeply,
Maybe they'll stay,
Maybe you won't be lonely.
You just have to pay,
Breathe out, money, money,
get that green, green,
But what is the price of your own,
Worthless freedom,
Getting high with the clouds,
Till the anchors weigh you down.
Your ship no one scrubs,
Your boat no one floats,
Your mast no one will touch,
Your rudder is covered in rust,
You are going nowhere,
You are good for nothing,
And no one cares,
The truth laid out to bare,
Is you are without love
And even the bud is gone.