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Nov 2020
Happiness scares me
it truly frightens
a pitter-patter, pitter-patter
thumpening of the heart
I cant breathe, cant see
I want to run away
I dull the emotion so I no longer
have to feel this terror
oh god its everywhere I cut it cut it out
ah thats better its gone shes gone its gone
isnt that so much better I can stand and sit alone
my knees dont feel so weak, just numb
i like numb it fits so much better

Ah I love the sadness I love the catharsis
how do these people go on in their lives
in their pursuit of happiness
doesnt it scare them? don't they feel that fear?
I don't understand I don't understand I don't understand
Am I the one that is wrong? Am I the one that is broken?
no one ever thinks like this, I think
So therefore I'm right to think it's them not me
The logic is cold and comforting
warmer than a blanket, more nourishing than a womb
but not joyous no, not delightful
just a release, a pressure eased, a knuckle cracked, a muscle popped
a dark room with a cold breeze
a lone mountain with foreboading clouds
a lover gone, a possibility erased
ah-- bliss, in emphatic apathy
I am safe
John Ashton Upston
Written by
John Ashton Upston
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