I haven't been able to shake the feelings,
the emotional investment of my last kiss.
For many years, I gave my body to a whole host of people-
but stopped at my heart.

I told her how ''lucky'' I felt, on our first date,
as I put my arm around her, a year of knowing of her from mutual friends. Of flirting, teasing, longing. Her head moved towards mine in what felt like slow motion, my own head a whirlwind. Our first kiss quickly became several..

And, finally, our last.

I found it hard to find the right words -
sometimes I just made sounds.
She picked up the emotion.

When I could speak-
I gushed at how beautiful I found her, it turned into a grand declaration, even I wasn’t fully prepared for.
I am not one for shouting, but the passion found its way into my voice and took full flight as I revealed how I felt.
I never wanted to regret not telling her how I felt. Having this rare intimate, fleeting moment with her.
I could not help but moan and groan until her lips found their way back to mine. As if giving me life.
I felt like a sailor who'd finally made his way home.

I emptied the entire contents of my heart, despite knowing, less is more, I poured out my adoration.
It probably wasn't appropriate in a public space
but we melded together
and I melted
before we barely touched.

I fell so hard
before and after.
I just want to want somebody again.

last night i laid in bed next to my sister
and recounted the ways we had both
tried to squeeze ourselves
into the sausage casing
society said we should fit into

how she spent 2 years waiting
until 2 pm to allow her body nourishment

how i had made it to 27 and suddenly
had the epiphany that i could
starve myself to the size i wanted be

how our father and grandfather
spent endless moments passing
judgments on our bodies and
smashing us into the ground
with each pound that graced our wide hips

how she told everyone she
was a runner, but couldn't
hide from her roommates worried
glances at her bones poking through
workout clothes that never got a
drip of sweat on them

how i taught young girls to love
themselves day after day,
while i shook and trembled from
the lack of love i had for myself

last night we laughed about how
skewed our views had become
from our grandma and mother
telling us their weight, analyzing
their curves in the mirror as we
laid in their beds watching and learning

i vowed to harbor a warrior in my
womb one day who i could speak
freely with about the horrors of
self hatred and hopefully instill
a strong foundation of faith in self

i hope one day i raise someone
who never looks in the mirror and
wishes pieces of herself away

i hope one day i raise someone
who sees herself fully, not just as a shell
of a human worth nothing more than
the label on her clothes and
the number on the scale

i hope one day i raise someone
who sees herself most worthy of love

the reporters kept going on and on
about how shocked they were that
the cold had come after the hottest
summer on record- didn't they
know that nothing lasts forever?

i refused to put shoes on, which
didn't matter much since i wasn't
making it out of bed most days

saving you was ruining me, and
then like magic- ****! you were
gone, but the smell of your decay
stuck to my skin like the smell
of your american spirits

i drew out the demons slowly,
agonizing over each lost smoke-
wanting to really feel the
**** i scraped off of my insides

i kept picturing you, shaking
because your body couldn't live
without 7&7's - christ, who had
you become? still, your eyes were
the same, but the look you gave
me had changed, and maybe my
eyes told a different story now too

i sang sad songs to the mountains
as the sun went to sleep, tears
came one at a time, but the silence
was deafening

time spent staring at nothing as
i traveled elsewhere in memories,
whether they were real or dreams
i still can't be sure

i looked back at myself and read,
"i remember when i was lost and
confused." how ironic and presumptuous
i had been, how little i had understood
about life, about how change happens-
through acute, exhausting, and
harrowing pain

i thought that i could give away pieces
of myself and still remain living,
but scooping your soul out
is so much easier than filling it

how do i put into words
that the weight of want crushes me

that i had you and now i don't,
and there are so many others
that have laid in my arms,
but i remain a clam shell
refusing to open up into
the lotus i'm destined to become

i lay at night and think of
you, lightly brushing my skin,
the deep release we both felt
in the moment we allowed ourselves
to dip back into the same spot
of the universe, that moment
of presence within and without each other

i lay there and i tell myself it means
absolutely nothing, that you are
there and i am here, and that it will
always remain that way even when
you're standing nose to nose with me

i lay there and love you and am sure
to stay silent because i can't bare to
break into the unknown and possibly
sink further into this sadness that i've
worn draped around my shoulders
for more moons than i'd like to admit

i am crushed by a loss i haven't experienced
yet, but i mourn just the same

i find myself weary now,
worn thin by the desiring,
  washed up on the shore of my own island
   where i keep returning,
                                        alone

sometimes i want my skin to crawl -
i want to sit my bones in muck and sink
until my nostrils are just above the level
where i can no longer breathe

i want to purge myself of every great loss,
that's ever been or will come to be

i want to exist in every moment that i live,
to feel every emotion with an earnest heart,
to see every sight with wide eyes and an
open mind ready to learn, unlearn, relearn

i want to evolve, though the process
will be painful and neverending - i want to grow

the tree's roots reaching down to hell and branches soaring up to the heavens reminds of us of the duality that dwells within.

lest we forget our immortality, the fallen giants of the forest reminds us that immortality forgets no one - we all return to feed the earth.