if its in front of you push it down
if it irritates you throw it away or

numb!
numb!
numb after all

dead leaves turn the forest to rust
we all go there in the end
everyone loves you when you're dead

give me another one
to rectify
to resolve
or to destroy
on certain terms
at certain times

this I know for certain
I am never alone

soothe the mitochondria back into function
prove your worth
show us what a thousand years worth of natural selection can do

make the animals angry by replacing their medicine with salt
they are animals after all
they should be made to delicately pry it from under your fingernails

we don't do funerals around here
we don't wear black clothes around here
we don't eat three square meals a day around here
we don't get between six to eight hours of sleep every week night around here

pry my ******* teeth out with dental floss and a hammer
remembering only to wash your hands first
because all of your temporary muses have died
and you have nothing better to do

make a coffin for me
out of masking tape and wooden planks
float me down the river
like your savior like your savior like only your savior could

don't let your insides go bad

screaming and tearing
coming down
falling in three
myself and you

or none of the above.

this is for dead cavalry
this is for fodder with no available cannon
this is for water underground

this is for children
this is for adults
this is for everyone

this is for those wounded
but weaving a web of past sorrows through their teardrops
this is for those on the ground
who will never hope to get up

everything is right beside you
at the same time nothing is

the truth is your personal pounding and merciless journey  
once you go you cannot return
and you'll be gone for a long, long time
don't you worry
I am always with you

the devil retrieves it with a smile
he comes from under your bed
and it will never come back to you

everything comes apart
if we are all tied to the same cloth
then its time we realize that the cloth is wearing thin
what you need is some time in bad places

poison to poison
body to body
string to blade

to break

people with good intentions
are always the slowest to get the punchline

quick to point fingers
sitting in judgement

apparitions of my condition
fragments of my sanity
plunged deep beneath

but why now?
what good can you do?

computer response time
answering machine beep tones
I ******* hate my therapist

the otherwise lost five percent
when the margin was too thin to fit them in

if you want it dead
you should inspect the teeth

rudiments of a former dwelling
silt from the river
to cover fragments and bone

to color the walls of my being
to deduce me to dust

God is dead

fumigate me
remove me
release me
because
it is warranted
follow the rules
tear into my bloated carcass
see what real hunger feels like
see

carrion, forever
immortality crushed
red tastes and broken glass everywhere

look at the mess I have made of my life

for multiple partitions of my youth I was exclusively accompanied by a black crow
it followed me everywhere, it perched strategically outside of my window and called to me all throughout the night and through each painful day I called upon my will to smash the crow but it would not let me frantically I ran to the garage and got some gas a rag and threw it at my house in hopes of scaring the bird but it was gone

looking for a part of myself to call alive
in the face of this

"he ran like a ******* gazelle" he jumped out of a window and ran down the street

which didn't stop me from running him over with my car

ripping out my teeth
for the sake of inorganics

carve your head like an
ice sculpture
and present you to your family

life is never fair
that's why people invented games

I'm telling you that what you did to me is not and will never be right

I can sense you from miles away
I can feel your touch in passing tides
I can see you in my dreams but I don't want you there

I wish you'd have asked first
I wish you'd have hung the phone up and gone to bed

comfort in quicksand
a labyrinth of off-colors
conclusions with a knife

I put an ad in the paper for someone to carve me to the bone
To whittle my bones into shivs
To gently strangle me with cellophane from the cupboard right where you knew it was

You knew it

Whatever your favorite currency is
I will burn it

I never meant to hurt you
but I did

a loser should have no intuition
but I do

will whatever is in me
blossom and bear fruit?

or will I be left to rot and
wilt
like the rest of the flowers
a bouquet for you that is now gone because you are not there

don't worry about the mountaintops
don't worry about memorizing prayers
don't worry about the cheshire murders
don't worry about the economy
don't worry about voices
don't worry about the weather
don't worry about heaven
don't worry about hell
don't worry about ships
don't worry about haircuts
don't worry about fabric
you aren't here

the table is set
but no one is home
this is why our Christmas decorations have been around for so long
we're all gone

all I know is how to take my pills and how to be alone

hunger pains make little boys flinch at night
convulsing their way through nightmares
and shooting up in their bedrooms

I stole myself from someone else
and I'm not here now

My heart doesn't work
but I still have machines
to help "me" survive

this is one I might have been meaning to get off my chest for a while
but I have allowed my body to abandon me
to leave me cold and vulnerable

the way they beat you must feel nice
you think I'm cool?
you're wrong

I need a new disease
this one has escaped me

I need a new disaster to harness
I need a new cacophony to conquer
I need a new archetype to emulate

All of it is an advertisement for your death

Lately I've been glancing through the haze
to ensure your last of days was that and only that

All of my dignity got stuck in an electric fence
My pride mangles itself, trying to unfold on chicken-wire
I am taken by the throat

It is okay to bite your nails
It is okay to talk to me
It is okay

Nonentity is of no consequence
If you are aiming to please

Well, actually, or rather potentially
nothing
dead and gone

Gag me
and tell me to breathe easy
Cut me
and ask me to bleed neatly

before he died
his breath was sour
it smelled like whiskey

flock to me
adorn me in funerary robes
build me into a messiah
so i can bruise myself in your name

i promise to you
i ******* swear to all i have left that i would finish creating you
but our time has run out

Dress me in my best suit
and lower me
put me underneath

Dress me in my best suit
and bury me
drown me in apathy
and breathe my last breath for me

Higher planes
Blood is boiling

Cities made of chalkboard scratchings
with mock airplane pilots and people sipping coffee
leaking with black ink

This is not the worst option
but by far the most precarious

Why did they leave me here?
Fragments of reality pierce my brain
It looks like you aren't sure who you are anymore

Suicide is the ultimate failure
My bones are crafted out of fear
My tendons are ripped out of anxiety

The moon laughed along with me although it was dim
Flash flood warnings are both of our favorite things
The storm clouds controlled by me and the moon

I wish you would raise me like the daughter you've always wanted
Don't lie to me
I wish instead of broadcasting my name without my permission
You would listen to me for once instead
and have patience
and have faith

Tell me who I am
Before I figure it out myself

Take my hands and bring me back to the high chairs and the birthday candles and pretend I was okay for just a little bit longer if not only to make me smile

I will almost never forget that

Give up once you can feel it
Go to sleep when it cries for you

Sometimes it is better not to worry
Sometimes it is better not to own guns
But, what can I say

The breadwinner was hot railing at last
We have dismantled the illusion

Persecution according to prosecution
If only to feign partiality

Dear you,

My heart aches for you. But, there's only so much I can do, or there's never enough that I can do. One of those, I don't know which. I wrote this because I hurt too, we all do. I like to subdue pain, only because I don't know how to end it.

I'm sorry

Every time we went to the pool
You mocked the lifeguards
For their hair and the way they applied their sunscreen

I bet you thought that was funny
Until you drowned

i didn't light my house on fire to be consoled by ashes and fragments
i did it to prove that
between puddles and eggshells, there isn't too much room to move
i hope that you can see that now

if you smile
commit yourself to it
clench your grin between your jaws

capacity and expression
are not mutually exclusive
assign yourself an emotion
and delve into it until your bones crack
stiff and under pressure

When I'm gone, I don't want much to happen, as that would have been how it was regardless
I ask for one last glance towards the horizon over the water
I feel as if that's all I need