i remember all the pictures we took
how i made you come out of your shell
look at it differently
i would always say that to you

you've gone bad
you aren't ripe
you're starting to bruise easily
your blood won't clot
the same as it did the day before

i could hang one of your shirts from the highest tree
douse it in gasoline
strike a match
wrap your garments around my neck and hope for something

but **** will never change
just know how i loved you

colors matched the name of every saint
and i counted at least a baker's dozen as i fell down, at least thirteen

you cannot *** unless you follow the dentist's rules
nicotine and ******* blur the last twenty minutes

Can you not see
Could you not tell

I could use some good medicine
For my headaches
For me to take before I call my therapist
For me to pretend I'm not sick

My relationship with you is what carrion is to a vulture
I am hungry and I am cold but I can never sleep
It seems that everything programmed to defeat me has fallen through this time

so what's going on here?
anyone determined a possible
motive or suspects yet
the guy across the street is looking like a potential candidate

the guy waters his flowers and trims his hedges for a living
he throws some sort of odd fertilizer on the ground and then he walks inside
his shirt is discolored at the bottom from sweat and potting soil, some would attest to the fact that he wears the same outfit everyday, kind of scary if you give it some thought

or maybe the transvestite that moved in a few doors down
i suppose you never know what they're up too, huh?
it's all very confusing and i need a lot of help

let's go get coffee

weekends don't mean much if you're unemployed

bringing my hand to the lowest part of my back where the sensation has yet to return, I curl my fingers and clench my hand into a fist. I ****** it forward, in and out. No matter, nothing at all. I finally did it. I won and I am the one laughing. It ends up this was yet another harrowing joke.

I crawl for none but the sadist.

birds ate my arm
i let them

i looked in the mirror
i was not who i thought i was

i left in the stingers this time
i forget things easily

protective eyewear and bonesaws
the sawing of marrow
somehow a familiar sound to my ears

grace me with your otherworldly presence
or get as far away as you can
as fast as possible
through no fault but your own

one for the hallways
dim, dark
at night
with all the windows open but the curtains drawn
a bucket of stagnant rain water
and two gas station cigars

i always wondered
how the ******* lived like this and managed to get yourself home safely every night
but
for all i know, and for whatever that may be worth
you made it home

*******, don't try to define ableism you neurotypical ****

sometimes I am *****
sometimes I am pure
sometimes I am right

my body is assaulting the person beneath scars
and I am no longer afraid of what I think I might be

guess I'll be missing your birthday party this year

We deloused it
so we could stare at it
we vaccinated her to
remove potential pregnancies

the only reason to participate is ultimately to remain calm, and in sight

conditioning complete
worship to infinity
death

in consequence
but ultimately of no consequence

my stomach is in knots
sour and burning

your third eye is bleeding
my stomach ulcer just exploded and created a galaxy

if you want to eat fruit
you need to watch the seeds, carefully

this song is about nothing and I am no one to be telling you this, I remember you with your satin sheets and ****** clownsuit and me hiding in a tree, questioning masculinity

stillborn
strangled with a coat hanger
vacuum yourself into oblivion

My thoughts are
throbbing migranes with corresponding images

I am asleep underground and it is much safer
You call your attorneys
and I'll call mine

when I fell off the operating table I knew it was meaningless when I found out the doctors could not see the same shapes and bones and muscles I saw and I seen all of it I see it all I told them I seen it all before I swear if you offer me a hand out of this hole I will rip all the skin off your wrists you ******* I will never have revenge I will never know what truth feels like I was born waiting waiting to die that is the body is contorting and breaking because it cannot contain me I am free at last oh freedom what a feeling I say as the chair is kicked as I chuckle and tell you everything

I don't understand why
you insist on transmitting misery
through the same dead and collapsed vein

I have been sitting for far too long
waiting patiently for inevitable disappointment
my legs have failed me
and I am sorry

but I cannot stand for this anymore

I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry

You only need to say it so many times before it becomes true
The question answers itself if you already know whose correct

Drown me in chemical baths
Lock the condition in place
Let time run, unravel, and damage

This is here
This is now
The subject presupposes the predicate

I have only a month to heal
It reaches for you
It grabs you by the throat

Burn my eyes, shut
Use hot tongs to demolish my ****
Brand me like your livestock but this time you'll decide

The planet is in your ******* palm
It just took too long to know for sure

the stage is set for a performance but the chairs do not contain people they contain mouths with knives for teeth and applause sealed with blood

the stage is set for me so I perform but I do nothing

the performance is intrinsic to the spectacle
do not tell the spectacle right from wrong
there is no registration, ever
but it will hurt you

I brag to my friends about it
All of my friends change their names when I'm not around

I have lost track of what I might have and then I forgot

A lull in traffic
All the buildings I see I'd rather jump off
I almost did it right the first time but the rope came untied

Cement my useless cavity of **** into the ground
I can tolerate this no longer

dreams of echoes and silence
night sweats and the fan that blew much too coldly that night

i remember waking up and that's almost it
almost

let it incriminate you

i sense a body in the room
i feel the corporeal warmth
but i keep falling over

gross motor movement portrayal proving itself incorrect
once again

you cannot imitate and not expect false flattery
i hope you get a standing ovation
because
i
for one
think you
deserve it

you deserve it

finish line crossed
finally
over
done
completed

celebration
not warranted
but appreciated

all fallen disciples without
discipline

like a horse with a broken leg
the only thing I needed to complete my extension has third degree burns now

all dead paratroopers
like rag dolls
no longer fearing the earth

parachutes serve as hospital gowns
as they sway from their individual hanging trees

when we see the blackboard
we get angry
we get queasy
we get sleepy

last night I had a dream of a car crash
hot steel and cold earth
******* upon collision

if I can't **** where I eat then I wouldn't be conditioned correctly
all of my archetypes are made of wicker
to burn easily and dissolve brain cells more quickly

closer, more palatable, one-sided hand-me-down closure
comes to me indirectly
and wanders back out to sea

my own anxious battle ship
stiffened with paranoia
jolted by nicotine-amphetamine shock and
with everyone accounted for and on board
drifts aimlessly out at night

but there is no battle to be fought
there is no war to win
there are no guns
or knives
or hand grenades

just me

everyday
I accept that my body is an inside-out candle a little bit more
that my organs may serve as coal
and my skin begins to evaporate
and it is my only escape
and it is condemning me to
a hierarchy of disease

I can steal your ashes and get away with it
if you leave the lights on and the door unlocked

no more
time
punishment
or indexed actions

death
now

if it can be said to be too early
then it can be said to be too late

I would dig holes to get closer to you
dig deeper
deeper still

you know it

like swine
face full of remains

you can berate me
you can have your way with me
you can use your hands

but
i somehow always remember to check if the door's locked

the only reason to participate in sunday school
is to please the preacher

reap what has been sewn into neuron coated fabric
return the parts to proper place

to make me whole again

covered in disdain
and inorganic temporary euphoria
and a jaded sense of self

face meets concrete

and you had to be kidding
when you said you'd done this before

and I tend to be missing
lost the keys to my car

so why don't you hold me
pull the vice tighter

and you won't help me
you were no good anyway

lambskin cut the wrong way
to make the wolf more obvious

hanging from powerlines
floating, endlessly ******* floating
motion forced into reality
next to the wall I'm slumped on

hurt quantified by time constraint
to anyone, ever
to you maybe
or someone else

look over your shoulder
but do not stare

we met in a rain of syringes
we laughed in our slumps

we laughed while we thought we needed it but we had no weapons

of extended anguish and habits
clever but never correct

to all of those quiet in fear
take no solace in knowing that I'm not here
to all those
reduced to shallow gasping
crawling among the lepers with a hand to God
take pride in knowing that I am worse than you
to those on rooftops much taller than you or me
know that we have all been there
or, at least, I am

world of glass walls
and eggshells to walk on
as long as would be appropriate
to crack
break or strain

rot
show me you are made of nothing more than what we can see

you never though I would bother telling you when to brace yourself
but now you need to duck down

you have no options left
and my foot is in the door

what of the hole?
what of the hate we give to it
what of you,

get off me man. get the *******, get off me, off of me

survive
bleeding
final envy
central

tear your ******* ties

for a contract killer
you keep good company
and have a lovely bedside manner

cut off all features starting with the eyes
because no one likes to be looked at
while doing something they know they should not
be doing

every time I go outside to light up I think of you
every stomach groan
every passing glance from people I should remember by now
all my teeth held open
gaping in awe

last night I dreamt I fell down
I dreamt I fell down and then they nailed me to their holy ground

when I woke up I called for you but you weren't there
I wanted your embrace and I wanted to lay my head in your lap and blow smoke out of my nose and laugh at jokes that only I knew the punchline to

I wanted to change and you gave me that
I sharpened a blade
I heated it up, sterilized it
just like you showed me
the same hands that brought me relief tore into my muscles this time
I limped to you
I crawled to you
I've licked my wounds and saliva is no good anymore

I am sorry for who I am and everything that I've done
if you're reading this you ought to know that
I've never owned a gun

to the committee!
that they care so much
through words but not actions

to the department!
that they feel as if something is wrong
when nothing is

to the body!
or to my body!
to material extension outwards
in feigned progress
and veiled agendas

selfishness in misery
my ribs are breaking
and I can't breathe

my arms are beginning to freeze
my tongue, too numb to speak
my arteries and intestines speared with anxiety

I will keep saying I'll never stop this
Twenty years
I've tried
accounting for all the broken notches of my spine
twenty years
I've cried, or tried to
twenty years
the most important part is the part where you give up
give up
give up

do your work

this morning
was like every other
routine
work and drool
come home

dig holes for burial in the backyard
I dug up my dog
we buried her when I was younger
I found where my father filled in the old swimming pool
tore my fingers to bone and
filled the old hole with water
and drowned properly

being me is not as easy as you'd think it should be

this will never change

I hope you have a nice day

for every piece you took
I took a bit more
for every time you looked
I laughed a bit harder
for every time you cried
I dug your hole deeper

sweet dreams

I sleep with their words all around me
a cacophony of the sick
I look at you to save me
and I don't know why

I am beyond saving