notions are not as smooth without schedule
and proper timing
you will be made to forget all that you should remember
if you do not etch it deeply enough into your forearm

everyday
I accept that my body is an inside-out candle a little bit more
that my organs may serve as coal
and my skin begins to evaporate
and it is my only escape
and it is condemning me to
a hierarchy of disease

everything is right beside you
at the same time nothing is

the truth is your personal pounding and merciless journey  
once you go you cannot return
and you'll be gone for a long, long time
don't you worry
I am always with you

i ran over more black cats on my way here
and shattered enough mirrors along the way
to justify all the truth and all the lies

could never find a way

the mouth that never closes
nests crafted out of teeth
trading skin for kindling

i will never be the same again

Take control of my limbs
Guide my useless appendages
I'll look at myself
only if you make me

I have a simple wish
I have one desire
To never be a part

to the committee!
that they care so much
through words but not actions

to the department!
that they feel as if something is wrong
when nothing is

to the body!
or to my body!
to material extension outwards
in feigned progress
and veiled agendas

I live in the inevitable fear of my body as my existence continues and I am unable to stop it

give me another one
to rectify
to resolve
or to destroy
on certain terms
at certain times

this I know for certain
I am never alone

ripping out my teeth
for the sake of inorganics

carve your head like an
ice sculpture
and present you to your family

My body is an economy in failure

"Here's our money"

conditioning complete
worship to infinity
death

in consequence
but ultimately of no consequence

the unsolicited means to an end
as i come back for more
as i always do
and always will

pushing pieces of myself up a hill
with my face, bifurcating in reverse
and tearing apart my stomach

it is correct to cry out in pain

staggering to the finish line
going down
down with no up
pure, total, complete, perfect
down
down
down

This is not the worst option
but by far the most precarious

Why did they leave me here?
Fragments of reality pierce my brain
It looks like you aren't sure who you are anymore

When you've been in enough hospitals
You realize how important it is to abuse the catalyst

Time for an attraction
Time for a spectacle
Watch me cut myself open
to drown the sorrows out

My angel
It comes to me on broken wings
And it says to me
"They're here"

nothing exists too long over here anymore, or at least not too often, we get a good one every once and again

but not terribly often

there are no muses left
they have all creatively been claimed, in the name of creativity, of course
you are not allowed to react anymore

i have no one but myself to blame
and i have nothing better to do

i can hear a dying bird
at night
in my dreams
i hear the call of a bird with wings that don't work

i listen for it until my heart implodes

you might exist finitely
but not here
and not now

here you will live in forever
in pieces of porcelain i will
hang your pieces from the trees

and listen to the wind at night
like a screaming child at three in the mornoing

Gag me
and tell me to breathe easy
Cut me
and ask me to bleed neatly

want to die
i have nothing else to say
you want concise? here it is

i have to go inside or else i will be shot
do you understand me?
am i getting through?

park benches and back allies were all i knew
and i've hit a switch and now it will never stop

you never though I would bother telling you when to brace yourself
but now you need to duck down

you have no options left
and my foot is in the door

hurt quantified by time constraint
to anyone, ever
to you maybe
or someone else

look over your shoulder
but do not stare

Tell me who I am
Before I figure it out myself

Take my hands and bring me back to the high chairs and the birthday candles and pretend I was okay for just a little bit longer if not only to make me smile

I will almost never forget that

Dress me in my best suit
and lower me
put me underneath

Dress me in my best suit
and bury me
drown me in apathy
and breathe my last breath for me

six in the morning
five phases of traffic
autophagia to pass the time

arrived at work with one less arm
it doesn't matter if your face is made for radio

a carcass is as productive here as something with a pulse
you think it will never happen to you
but there's always a margin of error
for everything
always

if its in front of you push it down
if it irritates you throw it away or

numb!
numb!
numb after all

Writhing on a cold white floor. contracted into proper condition. placed on the earth above.

If you talk to me, I'll transfer the burden of my life onto you.

Why would I bow, for the sake of sadness?
What do you think this is?
Who do you really think I am?

we met in a rain of syringes
we laughed in our slumps

we laughed while we thought we needed it but we had no weapons

and this path
brought me to a milky, ashen, unforgiving sunrise
and i thought of you once,  but
without pictures i forgot you

fall off a cliff kissing me
******
let me show you what i can do for you

i've had dreams that could never last as long as this
or at least i think so
so i spin in circles until the sun goes down

for multiple partitions of my youth I was exclusively accompanied by a black crow
it followed me everywhere, it perched strategically outside of my window and called to me all throughout the night and through each painful day I called upon my will to smash the crow but it would not let me frantically I ran to the garage and got some gas a rag and threw it at my house in hopes of scaring the bird but it was gone

a wish that
the earth would be tied together in fraying knots, all of one cloth
and connect the fabric and cover
myself with it

I noticed it first on my shoulder
I woke up and spat it out
Vaguely, it tasted like you; like "it", but more like you

New haunts from old nightmares
Violent, ****** hallucinations govern the past
If history is to repeat itself one more time

even Jesus harmed himself

my stomach is in knots
and you're laughing on the floor

nails chip easily in cement
skin doesn't adhere to hot pavement without pain
eyes don't look inwards unless

well
they might
who knows?

I can steal your ashes and get away with it
if you leave the lights on and the door unlocked

no more
time
punishment
or indexed actions

death
now

Nonentity is of no consequence
If you are aiming to please

Well, actually, or rather potentially
nothing
dead and gone

Whatever your favorite currency is
I will burn it

I never meant to hurt you
but I did

a loser should have no intuition
but I do

poison to poison
body to body
string to blade

to break

for every piece you took
I took a bit more
for every time you looked
I laughed a bit harder
for every time you cried
I dug your hole deeper

sweet dreams

My owners taught me some new words today
Ones that won't allow me to kneel and pray
or take my medicine and pray

They let me out today
but not too far

will whatever is in me
blossom and bear fruit?

or will I be left to rot and
wilt
like the rest of the flowers
a bouquet for you that is now gone because you are not there

I sleep with their words all around me
a cacophony of the sick
I look at you to save me
and I don't know why

I am beyond saving

if it can be said to be too early
then it can be said to be too late

I would dig holes to get closer to you
dig deeper
deeper still

you know it

your love
like worms in the heart
and bubbles of blood
exploding inside of me

we cannot survive
we cannot stay warm

my heart is made of different muscles than yours
the walls of each chamber of my heart are atrophying

burn what's left of me to the ground
upon my death, don't go to my funeral
because there won't be one

carrion, forever
immortality crushed
red tastes and broken glass everywhere

look at the mess I have made of my life