Push me off of that
roof as I
finish writing this

this morning
was like every other
routine
work and drool
come home

dig holes for burial in the backyard
I dug up my dog
we buried her when I was younger
I found where my father filled in the old swimming pool
tore my fingers to bone and
filled the old hole with water
and drowned properly

drowning in stab wounds
bleeding out
on a white tile floor

these colors
were supposed to be ones you couldn't see
but i've showed them to you now

evergreen
but never content
like smoke on a cold night
like a chest cavity full of insects, stinging slowly and carefully

blood blisters full of gravel
this treatment is unjust but nobody
is around to justify it anymore

bathe in the blood of your own savior
find someone who condones your actions
and just like you've done before
tear into their chest

talk to their organs
watching smoke curl in the desert early morning air

decomposition
after tapping a dead nerve for far too long
only ever with substance

third parties weren't invited but it looks like they're here anyway

cold touch
dead
all i remember

anything and everything
forever and ever
and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
forever

tall glass of ***** to cure the pain
tearing apart pigment with sandpaper and bleach in the bathtub
rock salt pouring out of open wounds

what is this?
i want to forget this
i need this
i need to forget this

I am disabled, would you fire on me?
do you determine who you're protecting
by who you've done the most damage to?
I am harm free
And I am obsolete
Please don't consider the facts
we have no time for that

What makes me feel
away from safety
is you

This is something
that you'll never hear
It means so much to me
because it means nothing to you

Anti aging
is another form of death
no more wrinkles
and no more flesh

Throw all the old things
in the basement
and let us forget

Carry me down the stairs
I cannot walk
My body deserted me long ago

And in the
small wisps of wind
I whisper
for you'll grow deaf
faster than I can drown

the sun rose on the wrong side today
i stared into it until i went blind
the crows came to visit me again at the hospital
and they didn't make me feel any better

today i came to and realized
i'd thrown it all away

It is difficult to operate machines on an empty stomach
Something about their piercing glare is so
Appetizing

I live for my next meal
That is to say I think I can afford it

"he ran like a ******* gazelle" he jumped out of a window and ran down the street

which didn't stop me from running him over with my car

my dreams have no meaning
and my life even less

a direction to stand for
or one to move in

i dug a hole in the backyard
and buried everything in my house

i spend three quarters of my time with you
i spend the remaining quarter losing my ******* mind

i didn't come out right
i didn't come out right
i didn't come out right

off of the pit
ripe down
come down
fall down

stay in the fog with me
i can see you because all of your plastic pearls glow so brightly at night

had a little bit too much to drink there
might have held you down too long

as oxygen returned to your skin you looked at me and we said nothing to each other

**** yourself for thinking otherwise
******* for what you think because
i don't like it

there are no more empty vials
your blood is spewing out of your trackmarked skin and there's nothing either of us can do about it

life is hard
but this was

hunger pains make little boys flinch at night
convulsing their way through nightmares
and shooting up in their bedrooms

I stole myself from someone else
and I'm not here now

rush to pleasure
nicotine yellow
my bloated belly is glowing

**** time
dead forever

your whispers are soothing
but not if the act has already been committed
words are futile if you draw arbitrary lines

and i can draw lines with you, and cross those same lines all day
if i wanted to

hit
dead impact
flattening of the cortex

your hands, acting as cages
brought your ribs back between muscle
and layered you to the sky

a gift upwards
a single flight
and nothing more

a gift upwards
a flight for one better occupied by two because life exists upside down
and nothing
more

for extra

Surprise! Surprise; this life should not come as one

my existence cannot be accounted for
by myself
or by anyone I've met

you
lined the median with
all of my mugshots
so I could revel in past failures

my car seemed to drive itself to your house
I came bearing gifts but they washed away in the rain

when they knocked on your door I had nothing to say

laughing as you cut your fried something at the head of the table
laughing
all the way downstairs

fear
innate and crawling
it knows me
it seeps in and out of my pores with everything inside of my body
it climbs out of my ears
anchors my shoulders and
weighs me down,
inevitably pulling me back
inevitably keeping me inside
inevitably ignoring me

i am a slave to my own body

razorblades broken off in glass
three cigarette burns on my forearm
and five cuts to the neck
proved nothing to me
but only to remind me that
i had finished

May the river run red with my offering
I watch as the river bed overflows
The wind blows cold and strong

Seasons change
People change, sometimes

I can feel the cold
like liquid steel through my veins
popping out of my neck
as if to escape

I see the red and I let it take me over

do not come into my home and tell me
what the truth is
i will
show you what truth is and
behind the truth
i will show you
another
grand ******* spectacle of a liar

the men in the walls are laughing
the faucet is dripping with the blood of our mothers
the names of all of the saints are alive in our mouths
and we want to spit them out

the earth is cold

had a little bit too much to drink there
might have held you down too long

as oxygen returned to your skin you looked at me and we said nothing to each other

in all directions falling
in all faculties falling
in all material, extending

tear from my weight in two
I no longer care

like swine
face full of remains

you can berate me
you can have your way with me
you can use your hands

but
i somehow always remember to check if the door's locked

i smile but clench my teeth so hard my gums bleed
i look to the sun to guide me
for presumably, i am lost
but a glance upward snaps my bones

like a bouquet of roses
dead from staying out in the rain

all i want is a place to rest
and all i know is that i need to rest

i have been running on empty for a long time now
there's not much of a point in any of it; besides sleep, sleep must happen

sleep at all costs, but not really

I am dead
inside of my head
when I'm the only one left
this is the only thing I think I know

but I can't take it anymore

birds ate my arm
i let them

i looked in the mirror
i was not who i thought i was

i left in the stingers this time
i forget things easily

where are you?
we all thought you'd be here by now
we've been waiting for you
we are all, of course, here for you, no matter what

i knew i could catch a ride before they found you
all ******* like that, from the trees, with golden silk ribbons streaming from your hair

on my flight away from your final location, my eyes started to bleed
and at that point in time i thought that joining the mile high club might not be such a bad idea
it just depends on how you picture it
i suppose

world of glass walls
and eggshells to walk on
as long as would be appropriate
to crack
break or strain

rot
show me you are made of nothing more than what we can see

chipping off bone
as a monument to an end
that neither of us are confident to move close towards

when i was born they put
tubes down my throat
and i am starting to feel
as if nobody remembered to remove them

How can they tell when they've drawn blood?
of holy remains
and forked tongues

Let this be a lesson to you
All we can hope for
is the surface
Invisible and crafted into place

All of my dignity got stuck in an electric fence
My pride mangles itself, trying to unfold on chicken-wire
I am taken by the throat

It is okay to bite your nails
It is okay to talk to me
It is okay

Dear you,

My heart aches for you. But, there's only so much I can do, or there's never enough that I can do. One of those, I don't know which. I wrote this because I hurt too, we all do. I like to subdue pain, only because I don't know how to end it.

I'm sorry

I've been scratching at my
wrists in my sleep lately as if
to let something
out

i don't have any trophies around here
and at this point i think i should

the key that i found
opened the wrong door

computer response time
answering machine beep tones
I ******* hate my therapist

make a coffin for me
out of masking tape and wooden planks
float me down the river
like your savior like your savior like only your savior could

don't let your insides go bad

how do you decide what a war film is or what it isn't

He dosed himself accordingly
and there he stayed
no choice of his own
voids of safety and fragments of past

Incisions on flesh to indicate
time, that has passed for
it is all that is left
for counting

Dear God
let me die now and take me under your warm wings
Dear God
let me tear down the golden gates of your empire
Dear God
the bed of nails I sleep on is growing dull and my
back aches in yearning for your pain
Dear God
what you have given me to live with is too much and at
the same time
it will never be enough

This is what you asked for
I will tell you what you want

Scars as gateways into my plastic heart
worn and beating out of time

When will you realize that you are out of time?

get home
before
your drug balloons
fall out of me

i loved you but i don't anymore

chipped off a piece of brain matter
earlier this morning
zipped it up for later
knew id need it to remember you by
even though i thought
id never forget

i need to die

for a contract killer
you keep good company
and have a lovely bedside manner

cut off all features starting with the eyes
because no one likes to be looked at
while doing something they know they should not
be doing

every time I go outside to light up I think of you
every stomach groan
every passing glance from people I should remember by now
all my teeth held open
gaping in awe

last night I dreamt I fell down
I dreamt I fell down and then they nailed me to their holy ground

when I woke up I called for you but you weren't there
I wanted your embrace and I wanted to lay my head in your lap and blow smoke out of my nose and laugh at jokes that only I knew the punchline to

I wanted to change and you gave me that
I sharpened a blade
I heated it up, sterilized it
just like you showed me
the same hands that brought me relief tore into my muscles this time
I limped to you
I crawled to you
I've licked my wounds and saliva is no good anymore

I am sorry for who I am and everything that I've done
if you're reading this you ought to know that
I've never owned a gun