my brain matter coated the ends of each of my hairs on my scalp
and i could feel the needle scraping behind my left eye
i will allow you to sift through me

cacophony in a passing breeze
the smell of burning flesh won't stick around in your nostrils all that long either way

chest cavities are easier to bathe in if you
crack the ribs in half first
one by one
count them on your fingers

conditioning complete
worship to infinity
death

in consequence
but ultimately of no consequence

dig the gold out of my fillings
i can **** you if you give me a dollar first

fell asleep on a bed of broken glass
wrapped my hands around my throat
stabbing at love blindly with a broken ringfinger

dig me in with a shovel
put me in the ground
but don't let me rest

my life got too bitter
so i yelled at trains passing by

my life got too sweet
so now my sister is a ******

my life got too sour
all of my aspirations are coated in xanax

i fix myself up
i go out on the road
i stay in your room
i **** myself up
i **** myself up
i **** myself
up

you gave birth to the wrong kind of monster
i work myself up
i **** myself over

the entire night is red and nobody can notice either of us
this way
that way
in or out
no bother, no problem, all the time

if you've forgotten how to make someone remember you
its for the best that they never will after all
you haunt my dreams to this day
but it is myself i can never forgive
i can never forgive myself for what ive done
i don't give two ***** what happens to you from this point on at all

the night was red but the sky was pink
and the clouds were swirling in a final vortex as the ****** of crows got to what was left of my arm

i ******* hate you
i am responsible
i will end you
this will be the end of you

i will end you.

the medicine helped for a while but
i can't have it anymore

it's not there
it never was

this isn't the safest move but i wasn't aiming for first place

a planet of nothing in the middle of nowhere
material out of focus
spread the lines farther apart to see more clearly

all that i've ever said to you, to some degree i've meant
and most of what i've chosen not to share with you served a purpose at the time
this was one of the colder winters, anyway

all the radiators broke so we made weapons out of them
and fought amongst one another
so that we could say we tried

drawing pictures of our house on fire to pass some time
i want you to dance nowhere but next to me
you need to let me have you
you are mine

your whispers are so sweet
but they're all falling on deaf ears tonight

blood concrete bash
all of my insides smell like embalming fluid
and i can't afford to carry this **** around all day anymore
i am going to get arrested if they find it

if i could change one thing
i would make the sun hot enough
to burn holes into my frontal lobes
and destroy my ******* mind

i timed all my synapses so evenly that now they are quantized in perfect 4/4 time with my heartbeat
you couldn't ask for much more, or so i hope
i have
nothing left to offer any of
you

i dyed my hair jet black in the bathroom so no one would recognize me
because i am nobody
in five senses
with tremendous lateral pressure

i was born with two collapsed lungs
i think my first breath is still trapped inside of them

WELL AREN'T YOU THE QUEEN OF SOMETHING OR ARE YOU THE PRINCESS OF CORRECTIONAL INSTITUTIONS

i can't tell
the world makes less sense
through a tinted lens

as far as i'm concerned
i've been in an assisted living community my entire life
they lock the doors at night, we all do as a community of course but

the security guard seems to have forgotten his hourly rounds
because it smells like gunpowder and gasoline in here

as far as i'm concerned, i've been in the same place for most of my life

a fully functioning novocaine addict
i need to be
made to feel like i need to rip the wiring out of my mouth
at all times

silence hasn't existed and never will
silence is something you can't create
silence isn't something
silence is nothing

i tore into myself i ripped
my arm open and, rearranged my veins
so i can bleed more easily into you

this one makes me feel better but i don't even know what it does

preaching to a deaf congregation
the same outdated rhetoric
television too loud to hear it

the fingers on my left hand
grasped around someone else's today
but only for a little bit

donate your organs to me
mine make my **** smell funny

this morning i watched them build a sidewalk
this morning i wanted to take the train downtown
this morning i got hit by a car, twice
this morning i learned the difference between hot black tar and raw concrete

how much fluid is left in you?
drool
drool
drool, all drool

drivel
supply and demand
quench the incessant assembly line thirst

i keep most of it in my sock drawer
and i carry the other half around with me
everywhere i go

nothing exists too long over here anymore, or at least not too often, we get a good one every once and again

but not terribly often

there are no muses left
they have all creatively been claimed, in the name of creativity, of course
you are not allowed to react anymore

my skin had otherwise yellowed
or Jaundice had gotten to the back of my eyes
and as i was made to realize this new yellow
i remembered how much i miss the way things used to be
simple, at least
simple

even Jesus harmed himself

my stomach is in knots
and you're laughing on the floor

nails chip easily in cement
skin doesn't adhere to hot pavement without pain
eyes don't look inwards unless

well
they might
who knows?

your whispers are soothing
but not if the act has already been committed
words are futile if you draw arbitrary lines

and i can draw lines with you, and cross those same lines all day
if i wanted to

raised by wolves
thirty three pints of blood before the final verdict
backwoods altar
the road to the gallows is still dirt
technology doesn't reach places like here

full moon symbolism
muscles tend to prove as abstractions in proper limb dislocation

most of it is green or pink
and swirling or falling
as two colors would if you let them go on a canvas or something but
they never mixed

dentist clean
that is the cleanest you can ever get

it hit me at the door
the one thing that i would not be able to forget were the sounds
because i can close my eyes, stop breathing, stop touching, stop feeling
but there is no way to formally close your ears

so why not let the last five minutes be a waltz?

policemen aren't made of the same things as dogs
that's why they keep them caged

i like things that make me sleep or dream
although sleeping doesn't always imply dreaming
i'd like to think that i am dreaming a lot of the time

see, and the thing that bothered me the most about it was that
i remember a flashing light i'd stare at out in the distance at my own house
a 4am train or something maybe, i was never sure because sound never accompanied the sight

regardless coming to the staggering realization that i may never experience that small, trivial piece of time ever again in my life is

why i wrote this

cigarettes are good for two things one is to relax and the other is to **** rats
tobacco killed all the rats in my apartment complex
nicotine soaked into my dumb ******* clothes, the same ones i wear every day you know
the rats that nested in my sock drawer couldn't stand the harsh nicotine yellowing of my white garments so they all died too
like little soldiers all in a row

the entire left side of my body has atrophied to a critical point where my muscles will no longer support my bones and i have broken inside okay i have fallen apart inside entirely by my own doing and it isn't even a matter of fault for me at this point  so much as oh my god i ******* loved you how i loved you

discarded and pretty lonely, some ideation of loneliness, you know
like that, and also like this package which you told me to carry all
this way for you and i opened it and all i found inside was
blue bubble wrap, two syringes, and your earrings, the ones i liked

i have to go inside or else i will be shot
do you understand me?
am i getting through?

park benches and back allies were all i knew
and i've hit a switch and now it will never stop

dead soldiers swing from the tree branches behind my house
and i can hear crevices of ice being formed on the lakefront
as the ice cracks in the agonizing cackle and slow mournful croon of a dying animal or a small child

romance me around the tables and kiss me between the bars
hide all the ******* in the keyholes and don't let me forget this keycard

i told you, officer
she went to get ice for some drinks and when i woke up she wasn't here

forgotten winter clothes thrown to the side
a suitcase i was thinking you wouldn't be needing for much longer
you cooked dinner that night but it was tough for me to indulge in the idea of  you in my house

you know, my house
it took a while to get that way

it's hard to tell sometimes what place i'm in with you so
i figure second is the safest bet

dreams of echoes and silence
night sweats and the fan that blew much too coldly that night

i remember waking up and that's almost it
almost

i thought you might question the blood on my white collar shirt but you never said anything about it
we paraded around for a few hours
went home at a decent time
left for Mexico in the morning

off of the pit
ripe down
come down
fall down

stay in the fog with me
i can see you because all of your plastic pearls glow so brightly at night

the hunger feels funny today as if it has been made to
drill several individual holes into my intestines
in which case the hunger has at long last prevailed

losing focus in the nosebleed section
i never reserve seats
and they give me these for free

doing time until time can't be done
it is okay to sleep in your car but only if you don't have a mattress

so what's going on here?
anyone determined a possible
motive or suspects yet
the guy across the street is looking like a potential candidate

the guy waters his flowers and trims his hedges for a living
he throws some sort of odd fertilizer on the ground and then he walks inside
his shirt is discolored at the bottom from sweat and potting soil, some would attest to the fact that he wears the same outfit everyday, kind of scary if you give it some thought

or maybe the transvestite that moved in a few doors down
i suppose you never know what they're up too, huh?
it's all very confusing and i need a lot of help

let's go get coffee

to write one about this is difficult because
i think choices require a belief in a quantified time, like you have to make a choice by a certain time right?

so what if time proved to be a dead medium? to exist less than you thought it did? to think that it might be part of a larger social construct?

i don't know, doesn't that lessen the value of a choice though? you had to act a certain way during a fragment of allotted time, once again time being the keyword

they say stop
don't do it too much
ease up
slow down
are you content, let alone happy, with anything?

they didn't seem to think so
the dry benzo sting stuck in my mouth for an hour or so
a rough jostle into a rushed sobriety

we'll have to reinsert the catheter
so don't squirm too much
we don't have any anesthetic left
good luck

all the exits to your house
burst into color
on the highway
colors only i could see, or so i thought

sparkling red, and dim, headache-inducing blue
i shot a road flare up to the skies in front of your house
and it exploded into a million stars
but you didn't look out your window

intention to medicate but
that didn't work
you touched my hand, right by the scars

i cut my arm clean off
i don't want scars

five milligrams of xanax
straight to the neck

two packs of those awful light cigarettes, a gram of baby powder quality *******, trojans, two syringes

management and what YOU do with it
you'll noticed, i emphasized YOU

carve my likeness out of marble
cast it off shore, covered in barbed wire and
with cinderblocks attached by means of
a rope, let it sink weighed down but
unanchored and unsettled and disassociated and disappointed and concerned and confused and most of all but at last mention, alas

the sickness that i can
never seem to rid my orifices of


static usually but
for now frozen in endless motion
dead at first glance

**** yourself for thinking otherwise
******* for what you think because
i don't like it

there are no more empty vials
your blood is spewing out of your trackmarked skin and there's nothing either of us can do about it

life is hard
but this was

decomposition
after tapping a dead nerve for far too long
only ever with substance

third parties weren't invited but it looks like they're here anyway