my heart is made of different muscles than yours
the walls of each chamber of my heart are atrophying

burn what's left of me to the ground
upon my death, don't go to my funeral
because there won't be one

a wish that
the earth would be tied together in fraying knots, all of one cloth
and connect the fabric and cover
myself with it

you weren't even a good egg watcher
you couldn't cook, clean, you couldn't even bend over the right way
if you know what i mean

there was a garden snake in the gutter this morning
slithering and writhing through damp crumpled up newspaper and days-old cigarette/rain water
in any allowed capacity my only intent from that point on was to charm all the snakes in my neighborhood

forget all that burns for all that soothes
forget all that pulls for all that keeps you in place
pupils as wide as dishpans
like a deer in headlights, but like a deer who forgot what headlights meant

pump all of this salt water out of me
it has stained the roof of my mouth and
alters all the tastes and makes it a task to swallow

my mind syphoned its way out of my ear canals today
and spilled all over the boiling concrete
it smelled like brain matter and burning rubber

fear is more than something in the air, but in the end, you'll find out that that's all it is
paranoia is good but only if you take calcium pills every morning because
paranoia is a stiffening agent and will shatter bad bones, every single bad one you have in you

why the **** did they have to laugh?
it was from far off but i heard it
what did he have to get from his car? why is he looking at me like that? why is his television always on the same ******* channel every day at this time?
his dog better not come anywhere near me

why can't he turn off that spotlight?

the autumn flowers were already in bloom
early this season
i admired the sight, but didn't care for the smell

and as i walked along the driveway i remembered something you said
last night, entirely out of context of course but you said that everything happens for a reason
and despite the angsty teenage stigma attached to that statement, it made me think
i hadn't qualified whether or not it was true yet
but i wanted to talk to you

like a spectral odyssey from kitchen to upstairs to the basement
all covered in blood, like individual grandfather clock pieces, dripping in perfect 4/4 time, on our ****** linoleum floor

panic attack season and
it isn't presumptuous of me to say that i may have been heavily involved

a jaded catalyst
show me this that and the other
i've seen it all before

why do belts and switches hurt so much more at night than in the morning
this i have never understood

i'd slam my skull into the ground for each year i wanted to forget
i'd do it if my fingers weren't all broken already
trust me i'd do it

i don't know enough of gun powder and pressure points to stand here
there is no fabric to cover my burns any longer
i am starting to decay, like a fox in the woods

you let me inside you on your birthday
but you wouldn't let me blow out the candles afterwards
and that's fine because i knew that, if i had any semblance of a wish, quantified somewhere in my mind
that night it was fulfilled
in full

i saw the hindenburg disaster unfold from my penthouse apartment
a real man doesn't drink before noon but
a fifth and two cigarettes made me see more clearly

i know the truth
i saw it happen

pay no mind or matter to any emotion submitted from here on
because if you don't mind, i don't matter
and i think this pact is mutual

are you willing to sacrifice anything?
for that matter, do you have anything that you would want to sacrifice, or do you even have anything worth sanctification
i guess
is what i'm asking you

it must get hot and uncomfortable after you take your face off
and it must have been uncomfortable the entire time anyway
come home and take it off
who are you anyway?

my arachnophobia sure has got the best of me today
the little ones are alive inside of my ear canals
and the mother is carefully placing her brood behind my left eyeball

i didn't ask for ice with this drink
matter of fact, let's pay it even
give me the bottle, give me a seat, and don't ask questions

well ****, the spiders really got me today
anything i put in my body they use in some way or another
all my meals only exist in webbings and eggs full of vermin in my stomach

i remember all the pictures we took
how i made you come out of your shell
look at it differently
i would always say that to you

you've gone bad
you aren't ripe
you're starting to bruise easily
your blood won't clot
the same as it did the day before

i could hang one of your shirts from the highest tree
douse it in gasoline
strike a match
wrap your garments around my neck and hope for something

but **** will never change
just know how i loved you

all i want is a place to rest
and all i know is that i need to rest

i have been running on empty for a long time now
there's not much of a point in any of it; besides sleep, sleep must happen

sleep at all costs, but not really

i dragged this **** fifty miles across the border for this?
that hurts, it does, it really does

like a deep burning stabbing twisting the sort of thing

i lugged this all the way here for you
i got a flat on the side of the highway so i had to carry this to you

by hand
and you don't want it

where are you?
we all thought you'd be here by now
we've been waiting for you
we are all, of course, here for you, no matter what

i knew i could catch a ride before they found you
all ******* like that, from the trees, with golden silk ribbons streaming from your hair

on my flight away from your final location, my eyes started to bleed
and at that point in time i thought that joining the mile high club might not be such a bad idea
it just depends on how you picture it
i suppose

ill slam my head against the steering wheel and cry for as long as i want to
you only just told me about it inside anyway
who am i to react in front of you? and who gives a **** either way?
tell you what, i don't give two

at this point my knuckles are bleeding
from punching the shotgun seat of my corolla
because i still couldn't believe it, or at least i didn't want to

took the scenic route home from where i found out
gulped down enough xanax to **** a horse and i knew i was ready
head on, full collision, full impact

dead on arrival, still breathing, but dead; gone that is to say

the last glimpse of this world i can recall is  that of a small prism of light refracting off of my rearview mirror as i slammed into the guardrail

weekends don't mean much if you're unemployed

one for the hallways
dim, dark
at night
with all the windows open but the curtains drawn
a bucket of stagnant rain water
and two gas station cigars

i always wondered
how the ******* lived like this and managed to get yourself home safely every night
but
for all i know, and for whatever that may be worth
you made it home

my mind liquified overnight
i spat it out this morning
mixed with with black coffee
three sugars

no more
no less
or, not ever usually less

we saluted the flag that morning
we sat down that morning
we all partook in class that morning
we all slept a bit too long that morning

tune it out, try to
distort the frequency
forget the consequence

you can't pay for **** like this on tv anymore

i wrote you a love letter
on the back of this napkin
that you gave me for my coffee and eggs
while i lit my first cigarette

i don't ask for much, nor do i ever intend to
all i can say is that maybe, somewhere in me, ive wanted you back
here with me

bleeding in time with you was difficult but we managed
we clotted our wounds with debris from the hurricane because we had no skin left to speak of

the only thing i have left are planets and
organs attached to each part of the atmosphere
according only to size and weight

i am on life support
and earth is the only
corporeal form of existence i can afford to accept

ascension
and rebuilding
stairs to the sky that i won't need for much longer

you look so pretty when you smile
you look so pretty when you smile

i will steal the resources of the earth to fund my seemingly incessant existence
until i know my time is up

yesterday was red and today
is blue
fraudulent existence puppet portrayal

split like the spine of an infant

get that sound out of here and don't ever let me hear it again
you can close your eyes
you can close your fists
you can close your nostrils
you can close your mouth

you can
never
ever
stop
the
sound

christ almighty do you have to keep that **** on all night?
it kills my ears
it cracks my teeth
like twenty mouths open not in awe, but in disappointment

swallow your teeth but not your pride

full blown crotch rot
it was a bad case this time
said they hadn't seen anything like it in years

my skin was melting as they put me under
my blood ran molten hot through my veins
a rush of blood to my head made me

break the restraints but they tied them up tighter this time
here comes round two of the boys and their pinwheel powered electric chair
can the human body withstand such voltage, moreover, can I withstand such voltage?
you can never be sure

when my home burned down
i can't say i learned much
only that old televisions warp themselves into ashtrays
and that mice love to **** in rolled up carpet

i took a screwdriver out of the toolbox, the closest one to the right
and i stabbed myself in the face with it
the deeper i dug the more i thought about nothing, really just no things
no me
flesh rips more easily than plastic wrap if you plunge your device in correctly

my dog is dead in the backyard we made a grave for him and now a tree grows over his corpse and every time i go over there i call his name and he never comes

want to die
i have nothing else to say
you want concise? here it is

colors matched the name of every saint
and i counted at least a baker's dozen as i fell down, at least thirteen

you cannot *** unless you follow the dentist's rules
nicotine and ******* blur the last twenty minutes

my skin is more of a vessel that captures steam
rather than that of an actual human being
count down the days until i evaporate
and you ******* loved me
and i tried
believe me i did or do not believe me it is of no consequence
do as you feel but
always remember that

stillborn
strangled with a coat hanger
vacuum yourself into oblivion

welcome to my house
you can’t stay long and
stop moving around so much
it makes me uneasy

my stomach is in knots
sour and burning

your third eye is bleeding
my stomach ulcer just exploded and created a galaxy

if you want to eat fruit
you need to watch the seeds, carefully

rearrange your realities
alter your mentalities

**** yourself
you are in bloom this season
we can pick you when we want you

she drowned herself
at three in the morning
in the pond behind your house

you had to repaint your house
after that night
she smeared her blood too deeply into the walls

rush to pleasure
nicotine yellow
my bloated belly is glowing

**** time
dead forever

the boardwalk you dragged me on to
the time we shared outside of the party
the rat poison made you walk funny
the planks that splattered your brain matter on the ferris wheel
the hole in the beach that took you down
do not worry
made sure it was deep enough
to muffle any sound that might be produced after you are buried

had a little bit too much to drink there
might have held you down too long

as oxygen returned to your skin you looked at me and we said nothing to each other

had a little bit too much to drink there
might have held you down too long

as oxygen returned to your skin you looked at me and we said nothing to each other

implosion

if time bears no witness to what you have made it into
nobody can save you

i wore your grandfather’s favorite bathrobe
it fit loosely
turned the taps on and by the time you came back the entire house was flooded

trees are not good for hiding from me
because i can cut them down
i will burn this entire ******* forest to get you back

i will string myself between the tree trunks
i will replace the bark with my skin
so you can rip me off more easily

please come back to me
but never do
please

how are you preaching?
with your teeth broken

i can draw lines all day, where i please and when i please
and the lines mean nothing

lit a cigarette
i tried to send you roses but
they wilted as i touched them

many ******* exist outside of your body but only if you let yourself experience them
for how much i enjoy cutting the wings off of butterflies, i never want to be an entomologist