i feel like i could have thought of a lot of other ways to tell you how i actually felt

i decided to
flip the table
smash the glasses into my forehead
and bathe in bleach

tell me that i'll be nostalgic in your mind
an untold euphoria

sitting on this bench
alone

i got overwhelmed and got rid of most of it because i was overwhelmed

colonial hivemind
we are the active force
we are the agents
of our own pesticide

we are what's already been

life as a means of the beautiful but lethargic aura
**** the colors you might see
i ******* see them deeper

and i have nothing platonic to say to you
i've been holding you the entire time
so break free

i smile but clench my teeth so hard my gums bleed
i look to the sun to guide me
for presumably, i am lost
but a glance upward snaps my bones

like a bouquet of roses
dead from staying out in the rain

i spend three quarters of my time with you
i spend the remaining quarter losing my ******* mind

i didn't come out right
i didn't come out right
i didn't come out right

if stitches won't dissolve then
how will
i ever open my mouth again

if i was made of parts i could call my own, i said, i'd be a lot better
but i have no choice

angles of presupposed superiority
in floodwaters i am thrown to you

torched the abandoned barn in the middle of the woods with you last night
you said you'd never forget it but you'd try and i said nothing to you

i am an orphan
until my organs function and my heart beats and my hands move correctly
i am surely made of glass, and through no fault or choosing of my own
have been abandoned by my own flesh and crumbling bones

i am a surrogate for someone else
i was never here

travelers be warned
last flight to the sun
must have forgot my baggage
we have to go back
sorry

fighting battles over grudges i'd forged with myself
talking to myself on the sidewalk
outside of the motel

when the police finally did arrive i said nothing

i couldn't care to remember you even if i wanted to

you lying pathetic *****
you cheap *******
you held me close
and peeled through my intestines like a tapeworm

our relationship was parasitic and
it is over now

the tides have come for me
the lights in the watchtower scream now
i am carried away in a fluorescent red wave of relief

i am at ease
i am at rest
i can never escape

i want to sit here for the rest of my life
with the walls bifurcating and bubbling and whispering and

sometimes i just can't stand to look at myself

i've had dreams that could never last as long as this
or at least i think so
so i spin in circles until the sun goes down

let me tell you what's wrong with you
in position
over you

let me tell you what's wrong with you
as you drown
in tripwire and honey

let me tell you what's wrong with you
don't put me in this position ever again

bathe in the blood of your own savior
find someone who condones your actions
and just like you've done before
tear into their chest

talk to their organs
watching smoke curl in the desert early morning air

chipping off bone
as a monument to an end
that neither of us are confident to move close towards

when i was born they put
tubes down my throat
and i am starting to feel
as if nobody remembered to remove them

very appreciative, cultured and astute viewpoint there

i ask if you account for Buchenwald, interment camps, sweatshops, and the nuclear bomb laying in our backyard

you say no and come inside

fall symmetrically
like pins in my throat
my pincushion body will not withstand the storm this time
and i will be gone for a long time

all you have to do is pay bills and fall over

******* on the assembly line workers
with your corporate grin

exhaling smoke
i come to you

existence measured in evaporation
a small break in the page margin

whiskey and coffee on a cold night
makes my nasal cavities sting

but mostly it just makes me love you more

if it was my choice to say
i probably wouldn't tell you

if it was my part to speak on
i could fill you in but not now

if it was my choice to say
i probably wouldn't tell you

if it was my part to speak on
i could fill you in but not now

you might exist finitely
but not here
and not now

here you will live in forever
in pieces of porcelain i will
hang your pieces from the trees

and listen to the wind at night
like a screaming child at three in the mornoing

we got together in the snow this year and
when i say we i mean me and everyone beside me

we showed each other all of our stitches
we replaced all of our gravemarkers with each other's heads so as to
always be looked down on

i couldn't lie to you
after a two full months of sundays

obligatory religious pilgrimage
offer yourself to the archetype
give in
give up

a well documented severe case of marginal disassociation
keeps my belly warm during the winter

in the deepest snow we could find we buried all of our necessary accessories

i **** time by killing you
i operate machines with the same passion i ******* with

i lost it
all of it
and this time
i blew myself up
and ran my world with my blood and guts

an operation with the wrong instruments
a nod of the head
a turning of the shoulder

replace bones with kindling
exchange organs for red phosphorous tips
transfuse diesel instead of blood

like a dying dog on a cold night in the middle of the highway
laying down
waiting

i ran over more black cats on my way here
and shattered enough mirrors along the way
to justify all the truth and all the lies

could never find a way

drunk sitting shotgun
you're behind the wheel

don't let me disrupt your steering
don't give me control of the wheel

don't bring it back

and i promise i won't make you steer us into the oncoming lane
so i can end it

if you want me to help you
i have to hurt you first

give me something to chew on
while i sit this chair and
watch you nodding along

complex
serpentine in posture
unending
relentless

i cut my achilles' tendon
and ran for you like i never thought i could

the entire time
inching further from myself

face the whole ******* world
convince yourself you aren't who you are
i have no ******* idea
and it doesn't matter

shine the lights brighter
******* brighter
blind me
i don't ******* know and i couldn't tell you

can you count the number of times you did it on your fingers?
cry on someone else's shoulder
grind your teeth until they shatter

you should be made to bleed from the mouth
as you spew your ******* garbage
as you spew your ******* garbage

let me crucify you for a change
and show you just what you've done

*******
i took a xanax for you
*******
turning in my grave

i want to prove to you that there is a hole in the earth
and a loophole in all of our laws

i got

i ripped out all my stitches
and i bled on your doorstep
i wanted to prove to you that i have never been coward
that i am nothing less than what everyone expected
that i can live up to embellished standards
that i don't need fixing
that i don't cry in my sleep
that i don't look over my shoulder at least three times before i smoke a cigarette
that i am not becoming a creature of habit more and more every ******* day
that i wish i had no mirrors around here

note from the author:
i have always loathed myself
i can't stand who i am anymore
i am tired of changing
but i need to
i am tired of hospitals
and neutral colors
and pills
and names that i'll forget
i am tired of pretending to be a *******
and not even living up to that

you know i'm sorry
and you know i will be
for a long ******* time

i hope you know who you are
because i've been losing a lot of faith in myself lately
but i hope you know i wrote this to make myself feel better
because no one's hearing me

i hope you know exactly who i am

i have no one but myself to blame
and i have nothing better to do

i can hear a dying bird
at night
in my dreams
i hear the call of a bird with wings that don't work

i listen for it until my heart implodes

two steps forward and seventy five back
a dry heave with each meal

i cannot feel my heart anymore
as it balloons in my throat
i cannot feel my stomach anymore
as the knots bend there way out of my skin and explode on the floor
for you
and only for you

you have created all that you wanted to let go
you have created all that you never wanted to be there
you have created me

my dreams have no meaning
and my life even less

a direction to stand for
or one to move in

i dug a hole in the backyard
and buried everything in my house

i sleep with my hands over my face
i won't see it
i can't see it
i won't touch it
i won't feel it

it is these times
when i feel it the most
it is these times
when i need it the least
it is these times
that i am nothing at all

staggering to the finish line
going down
down with no up
pure, total, complete, perfect
down
down
down

if sleep is the cousin of death
why does it seem so infinitely appealing?

crimes of passion committed against the moon
when searching in the wrong realm
there is an urge to outsource your remaining affections

scars will never get through to you
how things are or what they were
my scars will never see through you as i want them to

with the sun comes heat
with the moon comes cold
unity of opposites
causes stagnation

infiltration of the human condition
knives with dull blades

save me
but do not help me
ever

price tags and delicatessen tickets
your number is up
it is time

you forgot to take your price tag off
so they're doing work on you
they will fix you
they will end you

cold touch
dead
all i remember

anything and everything
forever and ever
and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
forever

tall glass of ***** to cure the pain
tearing apart pigment with sandpaper and bleach in the bathtub
rock salt pouring out of open wounds

what is this?
i want to forget this
i need this
i need to forget this

the sun rose on the wrong side today
i stared into it until i went blind
the crows came to visit me again at the hospital
and they didn't make me feel any better

today i came to and realized
i'd thrown it all away

the tragedy of restlessness
nightmares as fast as experience can be filtered properly
the problem of unrest is that it causes
one to see things that they might not want to

paranoia
induced by hypnosis
state of eternal and improper sleep

return to earth
try not to be bothered
by the bamboo shoots stemming from your lungs
through your throat and out of your mouth

of this pain, i cannot speak
but i can only imagine it hurts

from what is sensible
i have derived that i am always covered in insects
rats burrow into my mattress at bedtime

i leave in the stingers
i let the bitemarks speak for themselves

because i am sinking
oh god
i am drowning
breathing is more about lung capacity and less about bubbles

i hold my breath and wait

the only items i acquire at the pharmacy
are those that will inevitably erase me
these are the items i enjoy
and they are the items i hold closest

no need to die but
no fear associated with passing

absolute beauty cannot be grasped within this realm
nothing is beautiful
beauty is dead