the otherwise lost five percent
when the margin was too thin to fit them in

if you want it dead
you should inspect the teeth

computer response time
answering machine beep tones
I ******* hate my therapist

apparitions of my condition
fragments of my sanity
plunged deep beneath

but why now?
what good can you do?

people with good intentions
are always the slowest to get the punchline

quick to point fingers
sitting in judgement

poison to poison
body to body
string to blade

to break

the devil retrieves it with a smile
he comes from under your bed
and it will never come back to you

everything comes apart
if we are all tied to the same cloth
then its time we realize that the cloth is wearing thin
what you need is some time in bad places

everything is right beside you
at the same time nothing is

the truth is your personal pounding and merciless journey  
once you go you cannot return
and you'll be gone for a long, long time
don't you worry
I am always with you

this is for dead cavalry
this is for fodder with no available cannon
this is for water underground

this is for children
this is for adults
this is for everyone

this is for those wounded
but weaving a web of past sorrows through their teardrops
this is for those on the ground
who will never hope to get up

make a coffin for me
out of masking tape and wooden planks
float me down the river
like your savior like your savior like only your savior could

don't let your insides go bad

give me another one
to rectify
to resolve
or to destroy
on certain terms
at certain times

this I know for certain
I am never alone

dead leaves turn the forest to rust
we all go there in the end
everyone loves you when you're dead

if its in front of you push it down
if it irritates you throw it away or

numb!
numb!
numb after all

I sleep with their words all around me
a cacophony of the sick
I look at you to save me
and I don't know why

I am beyond saving

for every piece you took
I took a bit more
for every time you looked
I laughed a bit harder
for every time you cried
I dug your hole deeper

sweet dreams

being me is not as easy as you'd think it should be

this will never change

I hope you have a nice day

your love
like worms in the heart
and bubbles of blood
exploding inside of me

we cannot survive
we cannot stay warm

in all directions falling
in all faculties falling
in all material, extending

tear from my weight in two
I no longer care

this morning
was like every other
routine
work and drool
come home

dig holes for burial in the backyard
I dug up my dog
we buried her when I was younger
I found where my father filled in the old swimming pool
tore my fingers to bone and
filled the old hole with water
and drowned properly

selfishness in misery
my ribs are breaking
and I can't breathe

my arms are beginning to freeze
my tongue, too numb to speak
my arteries and intestines speared with anxiety

I will keep saying I'll never stop this
Twenty years
I've tried
accounting for all the broken notches of my spine
twenty years
I've cried, or tried to
twenty years
the most important part is the part where you give up
give up
give up

do your work

to the committee!
that they care so much
through words but not actions

to the department!
that they feel as if something is wrong
when nothing is

to the body!
or to my body!
to material extension outwards
in feigned progress
and veiled agendas

every time I go outside to light up I think of you
every stomach groan
every passing glance from people I should remember by now
all my teeth held open
gaping in awe

last night I dreamt I fell down
I dreamt I fell down and then they nailed me to their holy ground

when I woke up I called for you but you weren't there
I wanted your embrace and I wanted to lay my head in your lap and blow smoke out of my nose and laugh at jokes that only I knew the punchline to

I wanted to change and you gave me that
I sharpened a blade
I heated it up, sterilized it
just like you showed me
the same hands that brought me relief tore into my muscles this time
I limped to you
I crawled to you
I've licked my wounds and saliva is no good anymore

I am sorry for who I am and everything that I've done
if you're reading this you ought to know that
I've never owned a gun

you never though I would bother telling you when to brace yourself
but now you need to duck down

you have no options left
and my foot is in the door

of extended anguish and habits
clever but never correct

to all of those quiet in fear
take no solace in knowing that I'm not here
to all those
reduced to shallow gasping
crawling among the lepers with a hand to God
take pride in knowing that I am worse than you
to those on rooftops much taller than you or me
know that we have all been there
or, at least, I am

hurt quantified by time constraint
to anyone, ever
to you maybe
or someone else

look over your shoulder
but do not stare

and you had to be kidding
when you said you'd done this before

and I tend to be missing
lost the keys to my car

so why don't you hold me
pull the vice tighter

and you won't help me
you were no good anyway

covered in disdain
and inorganic temporary euphoria
and a jaded sense of self

face meets concrete

if it can be said to be too early
then it can be said to be too late

I would dig holes to get closer to you
dig deeper
deeper still

you know it

everyday
I accept that my body is an inside-out candle a little bit more
that my organs may serve as coal
and my skin begins to evaporate
and it is my only escape
and it is condemning me to
a hierarchy of disease

screaming and tearing
coming down
falling in three
myself and you

or none of the above.

what of the hole?
what of the hate we give to it
what of you,

get off me man. get the *******, get off me, off of me

survive
bleeding
final envy
central

tear your ******* ties

world of glass walls
and eggshells to walk on
as long as would be appropriate
to crack
break or strain

rot
show me you are made of nothing more than what we can see

we met in a rain of syringes
we laughed in our slumps

we laughed while we thought we needed it but we had no weapons

lambskin cut the wrong way
to make the wolf more obvious

hanging from powerlines
floating, endlessly ******* floating
motion forced into reality
next to the wall I'm slumped on

the only reason to participate in sunday school
is to please the preacher

reap what has been sewn into neuron coated fabric
return the parts to proper place

to make me whole again

like swine
face full of remains

you can berate me
you can have your way with me
you can use your hands

but
i somehow always remember to check if the door's locked

I can steal your ashes and get away with it
if you leave the lights on and the door unlocked

no more
time
punishment
or indexed actions

death
now

if I can't **** where I eat then I wouldn't be conditioned correctly
all of my archetypes are made of wicker
to burn easily and dissolve brain cells more quickly

closer, more palatable, one-sided hand-me-down closure
comes to me indirectly
and wanders back out to sea

my own anxious battle ship
stiffened with paranoia
jolted by nicotine-amphetamine shock and
with everyone accounted for and on board
drifts aimlessly out at night

but there is no battle to be fought
there is no war to win
there are no guns
or knives
or hand grenades

just me

when we see the blackboard
we get angry
we get queasy
we get sleepy

last night I had a dream of a car crash
hot steel and cold earth
******* upon collision

all fallen disciples without
discipline

like a horse with a broken leg
the only thing I needed to complete my extension has third degree burns now

all dead paratroopers
like rag dolls
no longer fearing the earth

parachutes serve as hospital gowns
as they sway from their individual hanging trees

my existence cannot be accounted for
by myself
or by anyone I've met

you
lined the median with
all of my mugshots
so I could revel in past failures

my car seemed to drive itself to your house
I came bearing gifts but they washed away in the rain

when they knocked on your door I had nothing to say

years before I was born are the most difficult to forget
and in turn the most arduous to forgive

I liken myself to a criminal
trafficker
burglar
thriving off my skin
bathing in my own chest cavity

each day I wake up
and my cells **** themselves
at the point of full collapse
my dendrites and synapses abide

when I look back now on
years past, things that have been said, or done, or not said, or not done

I realize
there is no leaving
there is no going
there is no running
there is what is left
and all that follows

it has always been funny to me
that they call it
sin city

because it follows that
sins are commodified, justified, or monetized

speaking for myself here
if my sins were contained to
a place, or given a context
a simple time and place
they would lose meaning
if there is any in the first place

my sins are old
my sins are new
my sins are whatever

sentences that mean the same forwards and backwards

sentiments carved into cracked hulls
my neighbors died too early
my landlord doesn't like cigarettes

my landlord's heart is full of *******

the doctors here gave me no option
they know it will **** me
but aren't able to tell me when
i gouged my eyes out in the hospital cafeteria
to save useless hours

the unsolicited means to an end
as i come back for more
as i always do
and always will

pushing pieces of myself up a hill
with my face, bifurcating in reverse
and tearing apart my stomach

it is correct to cry out in pain

we return
to
our own
homes

a trap made for mice
fooled a man

rather than
feelings
we have
perceptions
of vague and thick reality

there is no conclusive evidence to prove you're here
there was nothing here that wasn't here that wasn't here that wasn't here

digestion
what is it?
i can say i really  missed it

well
i can't see much
on the road I'm on
but my high beams
seem to guide me along

digestion
what is it?
i can say i really missed it

a swing of the cane and a
toss of the hat
to seal em in for the night
and force their mouths open
to feed em off our plights

you have
fooled yourself
veiled yourself
lied to yourself

fervent and unrelenting all
the way down

laughing as you cut your fried something at the head of the table
laughing
all the way downstairs

fear
innate and crawling
it knows me
it seeps in and out of my pores with everything inside of my body
it climbs out of my ears
anchors my shoulders and
weighs me down,
inevitably pulling me back
inevitably keeping me inside
inevitably ignoring me

i am a slave to my own body

i don't have any trophies around here
and at this point i think i should

the key that i found
opened the wrong door