being me is not as easy as you'd think it should be

this will never change

I hope you have a nice day

your love
like worms in the heart
and bubbles of blood
exploding inside of me

we cannot survive
we cannot stay warm

in all directions falling
in all faculties falling
in all material, extending

tear from my weight in two
I no longer care

this morning
was like every other
routine
work and drool
come home

dig holes for burial in the backyard
I dug up my dog
we buried her when I was younger
I found where my father filled in the old swimming pool
tore my fingers to bone and
filled the old hole with water
and drowned properly

selfishness in misery
my ribs are breaking
and I can't breathe

my arms are beginning to freeze
my tongue, too numb to speak
my arteries and intestines speared with anxiety

I will keep saying I'll never stop this
Twenty years
I've tried
accounting for all the broken notches of my spine
twenty years
I've cried, or tried to
twenty years
the most important part is the part where you give up
give up
give up

do your work

to the committee!
that they care so much
through words but not actions

to the department!
that they feel as if something is wrong
when nothing is

to the body!
or to my body!
to material extension outwards
in feigned progress
and veiled agendas

every time I go outside to light up I think of you
every stomach groan
every passing glance from people I should remember by now
all my teeth held open
gaping in awe

last night I dreamt I fell down
I dreamt I fell down and then they nailed me to their holy ground

when I woke up I called for you but you weren't there
I wanted your embrace and I wanted to lay my head in your lap and blow smoke out of my nose and laugh at jokes that only I knew the punchline to

I wanted to change and you gave me that
I sharpened a blade
I heated it up, sterilized it
just like you showed me
the same hands that brought me relief tore into my muscles this time
I limped to you
I crawled to you
I've licked my wounds and saliva is no good anymore

I am sorry for who I am and everything that I've done
if you're reading this you ought to know that
I've never owned a gun