waiting for the world to stop spinning
long enough for me to catch my breath
i cannot stop this overflow
i can only freeze it
though my strength is weakening
be wary
for someday this pain will emerge from my chest
and the overflow will cascade
from the dark hollow in my chest
and drown all in its rage

sky so black the stars ate my soul
take the pieces of my heart
devour them slowly with you jagged teeth
i want to feel what's underneath
steal away
i can't feel a thing

radio silence

i am left grasping at weak ideas
plastered through my brain
i do not believe you are aware
of the harm you cause me
in your absence

how selfish i must seem
to desire you for myself
how young and naïve i look
in your eyes of solitude
am i a fool?
for seeing something in your blind stare?
or were you truthful to me there?

the wavelengths between our separation burns
marring the pale skin you once caressed
i wonder at my reflection
failing to recognize myself
for i do not feel the same
you shifted something unknown to me
and with every ounce of strength
i have failed to put it back
you disappeared sooner than i expected
with little more than a faint good-bye

how girlish i must be to you
how weak and desperate
to hold each kind word in such high regard
to you i am worthless
to you i am destroyed, broken
a dead toy
used and unamusing to keep your time

search through your channels
for what you require
but do not expect my reply
for i  turned you to static
at the first sound of change

I thought I saw your face
Among the three thousand kids
At school today.
My heart nearly exploded out of my chest
And onto the floor,
And a wave of nausea overtook me.
But even so, I plodded through the crowd,
Hoping to find you
And say something, anything...
But you weren't there.
Pathetic.
My face went pale, my lips were cracked and bleeding,
And when I looked up with teary eyes,
There was no one in the hallway but me.
Loser.
I collapsed into a shaking heap on the floor...
My history teacher shrieked and ran into the hall to try to help me,
But it was too late.
I'd already hit rock bottom -- there was nowhere left to go.

I hear the sounds of the city I the distance.
Cars, truck and auto rickshaws  screaming for space on the bypass.
Far from my terrace they seem to be
Yet they are close to enough that the breeze brings their fumes.
A shawl is spread beneath me
To keep my clothes from the dust that is not washed away up here.
Up here, where my eyes can barely see the treetops.
Up here, where the sun is strong and browning my fair skin.
Up here, where I am  exposed and unseen.
The worries of all my differences are erased when I alight the steps to my rooftop.
It doesn't matter that I don't speak Bengali .
It doesn't matter that I'm sick of Dal and the Baigan Bharta is too spicy.
It doesn't matter that I am a foreigner and always will be.
I am celebrated by the the crows and mosquitos that find solace above Kolkata.
In turn, I can celebrate the fact that I've found a corner where my foreignness is not offensive nor inviting.
It just is, and I'm just me; far above the dusty streets and the stray dogs that keep me up a night with their howls.

I thought that for once my luck was reversed,
That this time maybe a lovable smile could be painted on my normally pursed lips
too late I realized it was a mistake, happiness wasn’t here to stay, it was a trick, a sick joke
visiting me, only wanting to touch the temple water or my sadness

To see that the ocean was sweeter than my sour tears.
to verify that the light couldn’t reach the dark spot where my mind resides.
To check that I might not be made for happiness or any derived of such complex emotion,
There’s just too many scars, too many cracks

Emotional wounds constantly open and not properly disinfected,
that need little more than words or looks to hurt me with the “remember”
malicious bugs that eat me from the inside, delighting themselves with tinny bites,
tasting the rotting parts of the place where my soul use to be alive.

My heart has already perish, burning all at once and consuming itself on the fire of the moment
Feeling too intensely drove me to an -not even entertaining- insanity, I decided not to feel,
not to trust, not to be here, only physically  I was forced to stay
but emotionally and mentally I was gone, far away,

At least that is what I like to think, believing that a long time before I used to feel,
But I know it might be another lie, inventions of my subconscious mind
trying to make my existence a more bearable experience, since looking back to the “remember”
I can firmly assure that I’ve never enjoyed anything, not once or ever

I was another lost soul, aimlessly wandering with no defined route, not a goal nowhere to go,
I only could follow my train of thought, that firmly abstracted from the original rules
Anything that tried to be implanted on me was wrong, I believed in no trusting anyone
not an author, not a religion, not codes nor social norms. I couldn’t trust no one.

I was -I am- alone, trying to follow my heart,  that hastily died,

Leaving me once again alone, without even having myself as a miserable company,
lacking of wit and humor I was, -I am- not a bright thought passed me by,
I was – I am- surrounded in darkness trying to find a light to turn in
Something to illuminate me and scare the monsters that so fondly bear with me.

I like to believe that everything changed, that I’m strong and I did overcome it
but I’m weak I must admit, and everything is the same,
the faces have disfigured into other strangers, the original names have been lost,
and the surroundings have acquired different shapes and forms,  

But everything is the same, I’m still an unresolved mess, I haven’t changed
no matter where I run and how much I delve and with desperateness I search
I’ll never find my absent souI, I have lost it a long time ago,

So many small things occupy my mind

There are major revelations,
some minor hesitations and
some absolute truths
that just seem to get my back up
but only one truth.
It seems to circle around
and round
inside my tiny little brain
to come about to smack me
up the back of my head
trying to insinuate a sensibility
that I will always lack.

I heard the other day that you died.

It wasn't because fate intervened,

it wasn't the wrong place or wrong time...

You called the end to yourself...

The sadness I felt was not my pain at your demise
It was your pain, your ultimate decision
to decide that you were no longer worthy
to live, with a smile on your face, but with death
in your eyes.
You decided you could no longer live
beneath your disguise.

And we all thought it was ok that you went that way...

It was appropriate that you went out
in a blaze... be it of glory or opportunity
no matter how hard we tried to be disgusted
you, my friend, went your way.

So alright!

I know you didn't feel any pain
because you got what you wanted,
an end to the insurmountable mountains
less steps to climb, less breaths to take,
less mistakes to make, less truths to find

But tell me...

As you stand there in front of me, at the end of my bath
and watch me take the blade and make the cut,
do you laugh?
Do you mock me for my efforts to leave this world
of pain, do you pity me for my pretense or could you
sit for a moment and let me explain?

Could you sit for a moment and explain it to me?*

Because I don't want to be here, but I don't want to be there.
I don't think you are there,
to greet me
I don't think there would be anyone on the other side,
to meet me.
There would be no one to say
"Hey... welcome?"

There would be no looking beyond the scars,
there would be no hanging around the stars
shining brightly upon all that was left.
There would just be anger and unjustified angst
and a small amount of amusement, just enough
to leave the bereaved that little less bereft.

I think about you everyday, and the way you died
I think about it everyday and even though I tried
I've never been able to to be happy for you
because you were able to escape
I've always been angry with you
that you regretted all you gave
your wounds where so raw and your actions
never, ever seemed to take shape

I share your same helplessness but I can't cut
any deeper because I see your eyes in your
Son and Daughter

and in them I see you
in them I see Love
in them I see me
and what I can give

and I know that I can survive the pain
if I look into their eyes,
which beg me to live!

Sitting in bath water gone cold
like a body that has expelled a child
There is no life left in the womb
but the outer shell will live for a while

So, thank you for your visit
I'll be ok, *I'm alright
I'm stronger than emotions
that want to strangle me in the night

I know you died a painful death,
in the end you made it all wrong
please don't dance upon my empty grave
I think, just this one time
where you were weak
I'll be strong