little to no progress
has been made
& she’s craving all the things
she isn’t supposed to
crave

like a quart of rosato
& a bottle of
vicodin

she does not bless this mess
& her only resolution
is to **** it up
even more

what happened to
summer camp
& only caring about
jesus and
three lane super
slides?

she stole the last drop
of raspberry
& it stung her throat
turned her lips to flames

yet
it was still so sweet

how can there be such an
air of serenity in
this place
when in her heart there
is nothing but
turmoil?

only three pills to last
the weekend
& she doesn’t want
any of them

but they’re the only
substitute
for life at this
moment


she is low
again


a dangerous, dangerous
kind of low

take it by the blood
take it through the teeth
take it under chaos
under magic
underneath

you shine the brightest
when no one's watching

except for me
hidden in the trees

I gave myself away
one day
singing about your
light

you were angry for
a little while
but you laughed again
that night

empty pill bottles
broken bones
I'd found you on the
floor

"where are you love?
where are you love?"



still ain't got a clue
who you were looking for

a fool of a man
threatens me with his own life
demanding I yield

I could make up some aesthetic intro
about how the rain is falling
& how the air tastes
but they’ve read it all at least
a thousand times,
at least.

it’s “spring” in Kansas and it’s rainy
& cold as **** for May
not much poetic about it unless
you’re like Shirley Manson
I guess
storms used to terrify me but
now I adore them;
transient and full of intensity
& beautifully


unpredictable


I haven’t really tried to write in so long
I had to force myself to pry open
the dusty laptop --
only because I knew I’d be too impatient
putting thoughts with pen
onto paper

I get why Buk relied on his typewriter
I just wish I had his mental fortitude to write
through complete writer’s block
at the edge of my
wit’s end

the world has not improved, as we kind of
all suspected
the supreme court is dipping their toes
into overturning roe. vs. wade

& all in the midst of the worst inflation
I’ve ever seen
(and a formula shortage)
it’s all a stage and we’ve all been
the puppets for years

but the fourth wall is coming down,
albeit slowly.



I wonder what he would have had to say about it.

enough, I’m sure.

one night I remember
laying on my balcony
staring at the stars

I was very sad
I usually am in retrospect

I had spent a whole day
maybe a few days
feeling like I felt absolutely
nothing
& let me tell you
I wouldn't wish that on
anyone
but after that letter
there was just nothing left
to feel for a little while
you know?

maybe you don't
hell, I don't even know
if I know
that was years ago
& I have a ****** long-term
memory

but I remember I kept that
letter for a couple years
got ****** and tore
it up one day
after I had stopped looking
at it for a good while
there are some things you just
don't need to see for a
forty-seventh
time


you can never get
too lost
if you don't have anywhere
left to go


anyway, I'm losing track
what I was going to talk about
was how ******* cold it was
the night I was laying on
my balcony
it was mid-September
& there was this light chill
to the air that was just enough to
shake your bones
& I laid there and I was
crying
but the stars were so
beautiful
& I was angry with myself
for not enjoying them
& loving the life
that was graced unto me


whenever I get there
cold cold balcony crying
I light a candle
& think of home
think of you
think of all the love
you got
that you're too coy
to share



whenever I get there
at least I know
I got you
too

the modern-day gypsy
has an ache
that can only be settled through
the open road

a few days with her
mother
the all-American lifeline
of peace
love
& cheap bourbon
should cure her ailments
even if the small
country town
has little else to offer
than
friends, drinks, and
withdrawals
from technology

she'll
be back soon
hopefully
with a fuller head
& happier things to write about

hopefully

11.16.07
friday
8:22 am

the invitation she feared came
in the mail yesterday
she knows now
he only sent it to try
& change her
mind

You are cordially invited to attend
the marriage of--

but she'll never tell him

"Its there if you change your mind."

she didn't bother
'cause around 6:30
that slip of paper
was on fire, dwindling to
ashes
on her balcony
carefully perched upon
her favorite bottle of wine

she'll send the RSVP back with
"will not attend"

I was not born for the
cold-weather days.

My arch-nemesis is
the old man winter himself
& his pale clouds
Of silent bitter reckoning

We fight with
wind and heartache
& we're always too tired
to carry on
so we become still
& try to understand one
another

you'd think we were in love
but I was not born for him

& he doesn't love back.

maybe its just me

maybe I'm crazy
& mildly dyslexic

but I swear when I go to
read my favorites

I always think the
the top of the page says
"Least favorite activity"
instead of what it actually says

yeah, I lived in a
supernova
once.

there weren’t as many
stars as I would
have liked to
imagined

but the parties
were great
& you could leave
whenever you
wanted


I think I stayed because
no one really
saw me


I left once I got
tired of
solving puzzles in
the dark

constrained and
deranged
he caught me in
a flame
of golden, righteous
perception

he paid me
twenty bucks
& I read his palms
like a sad, sad
story
while I sipped on
my wine

I could see his mouth
ever so clearly
with its own longing
to read my own
future
in the contours of my
wrists

so I told him he was
going to die
alone
& he still returned
the next week

when I told him he'd be hit
by a truck
he only laughed
& left me blue roses

the week after that
I had a cold
& refused to read
so he bought me a
bottle
& read the back of my
neck
& I was tired enough
to let him

he was prettier
than a summer storm

a FedEx truck ran over him
the next day

I held his roses until
my hands bled
& no one could ever
read me again

been another while;
suppose it was about time
I came back to the inevitable
keyboard turnstile

to the blank space that awaits
the usually worthless
words tumbling out
of this head


& ray liotta is dead


spent a week with my oregon lover
sans one kidney these days
happiest we’ve been
in months;
but the stride back to
reality we must
obey

we both lost our jobs
& an *****,
we’ve scars to prove
the fact

but he lucked out with no
utilities, no rent
& I’m left with those and
three stressed out
cats

& the kids are leaving the
upstairs flat

it’s hard to have hope in this
capitalist world
where the gas prices soar
& the billionaires hoard

it's hard to see a good future
when I’m
an unstable *** bore

the love and the storms
are what keep me
going
when all else seems
so tremendously bleak

& I pray lady luck lends
down her warm
embrace

to give us the life that we
desperately seek


but ****, was it a good *******
week

when I was not
in solitude
I was out setting fires
to any little
thing
that would burn

there was nothing much
to do
in that town

I drank alone quite often
in my last year of
high school
'cause sometimes the
taste of it was
sweeter
than the words you
would leave me
with

I felt cursed

like you came back
for the sole purpose of
punishing me
for finally forgetting about you
when you had been gone
two years

so I figured
"eye-for-an-eye"
& I took my ticket to
college
the blissful cleansing
of my memory

but life brought me
back home
three years later
& decided to give you
a job at the same store I go to
every week

my gypsy blood is becoming
adamant that this was
in the stars
but we are still so
far apart
from the days we
drank on the midnight streets
& talked about how lovely
music can be

but you are just
so far
from me
& when you're around
its the only thing
I'm imagining

some days I want to
go home
some days I can't define
such a place
some days I wish to
call my mother
tell her how I was mistreated
this time
have her beg me to
come home

but her home is not mine
not anymore
not a safe haven for
me and my boy
too much trash and cigarettes and drinking
& I'm through depending
on others

yet the day in
day out
worthless
stupid
jobless
childish
*****
from the mouth of
the man that
I kiss
is stripping me
of sanity
& I have to lock the
liquor cabinet
to keep from going under




breathe


breathe again




it will all be
better
soon

gold and gold
& glistening
prescription fire
for the blistering brain
to ashes
to dust
to fog he smiles behind
when I am asleep

leave this city

my dream-catchers stopped
working
& the sandman laughs at my
so-called nightmares
then steals my
covers
& puts me in a horrid
disposition

I am desperate for dance
but
I am fearful of chance

just gonna have me

a

good old fashioned





heart attack

its probably about time
I wrote in this ****** thing
or bothered to write
at all

I had an eyelash on my fingertip
& no clue what to wish
for

you are fast asleep in the
submarine
& you told me I hadn't
had much time for
silence
so I poured a margarita
& listened to you
breathe

my house is clean
but I fear I'm no
longer a
dream machine
instead dancing on the pinpoint
of stability

where did my soul go
if I've had
one?
we're both in the know
& we're both on the
run

is it all in the crook
of your bones
or used up to keep
from being
alone?

when was the last time
I ever did spend on
my own?

mismatched jigsaw
pieces
& burdens to
atone


I must be better
without being bitter
I must be better
without being bitter


I must be better
without being bitter.

& here's the glorious part
the part that no one remembers
the bits and beautiful
pieces
of our lives so subtly
Forgotten in time
like the day you told her
she’d be the one
if it weren’t for everything
else
she would be a second
heaven to you
but the first is always
the best
& you will live that as
long as you **** well
need and please to
while you drop
daggers
into the heart of the
second without so much as
another glance
& your smile burns holes
into her conscience
forever teeming
with those all too reluctant
goodbyes
and i’m sorries
and she deserves so much more
than her petty
bewildered ******* daydreams
of all that she never had
forgotten
but ******* well should have
as a new day goes by
& you still have no idea
what the ****
I’m talking about.

one can never be
too careful
in open recollections of
what they see when
they are sleeping

we sat in one of the
middle pews
in a church I attended
as a child
you held my hand
& kissed my hair

then we were on
my couch
while my fingers traced
the back of your neck
bare
& so forgiving

real or not real?

could have sworn you looked
happy

but they say everyone in
your dreams
is only a reflection of
yourself

which is very clear
to me
when I wake up and you're
not around

it makes me feel
obsessed
pathetic
mad
vicious
& weird with want
a criminal
laden with a seven year
desire

& the days spent
thereafter
are anxious and very
low

they really ought to
medicate me
too much truth for my
tongue to be telling
maybe soon I'll start calling
you by your
name

they got her dreams upstairs
in time
for an honest redecoration

& she never felt
just how lonely the
day would be
until she saw the
definition

now she’s filling
voids
& taking names
for granted in her brutal
anticipation for
warmth;


on a cool summer’s
breath


they all saw this coming,
but the dosage was
incorrect

so they burn and they burn
while she sails
& fails once more to
connect


to a cool summer’s
breath

she took you for
granted
on the edge of the
meadow


said you'd never
want her
'cause that's not how
far
a friend would
go


& the silence
rang
through the cool
night in late
winter


I just wish you could have
seen her


how many sighs have
made their
farewell descent
past her blushed
& bothered
skin


to protect the impression
you've kept her
within?

o' come and quell
the quiet storm
the aching in my veins

we're nothing short of
astronomy in this stellar space
& the more you give in
the sweeter you taste

blueberry smoothie
my bare legs soaking sunlight
& I wish for the power
of invisibility and the tender art of
seduction

you creep up on me
like midnight mist
& the confidence you give
echoes in the distance




I only run in fright
I only run in the night

I put my hair up today
some things just have to change
whether I want them to or not

he blamed me for the belt again
shouting 'cause he lost it two days ago
& the only fault for its disappearance must be my own
the crazy thing is
I almost believe him
the feeling of guilt rising through my throat
an almost apology
but I choked and celebrated silently
when he finally left

just kidding
I closed the door
shouted "good ******* riddance"
made a cup of coffee
& put my hair up





some things just have to change
but I fear it

just go and
snort some of those
bright white lines
off your iPhone
****** *****
& leave me to my own devices.

I broke the ******
laptop after
all.

she left the pen on the shelf
for the last few days
afraid of her own mistempered tongue
& the way she felt so alone
in a crowded
bar

to dive in
with nostalgic hope
is to die
in heavy-laden glances
from the stage
& realize that this is all
you will ever have
left

& it is hell
yes
as it may always be

but you must let those eyes
gaze upon you

until you realize
you must walk away
with heightened
shoulders

'cause honey you were never
good enough
to stand up there
in the laughter
& the groovy depth


never good enough
to sing along


that
& you really ****
at the two-step

I stood in the door way as he put his coat on
he said
"let's go. I don't know what you're waiting on."

our son was babbling
so I playfully babbled with him
"don't repeat him. he knows how to say 'ah.' teach him real words."

he pulled the car in front of the store
I thought he was waiting for someone to cross the road
"GO. what are you ******* sitting there for?"

he drove past the turn
I remained silent
"thanks for reminding me to ******* turn there so we could go to the office"

I get back in the car with the slip
that says I owe 32 hours of community service
or we lose our tenancy
"I don't even know why you stopped going. all you do is sit around and do ******* nothing all day, instead of looking for a real job."



days like this are offering a lot less
than glitter and gold



I should have something brave
and hopeful to respond with

but I don't


this isn't a poem
this is the truth
but I won't do much else with it
than write about it
'cause the talking don't help
& it usually leaves me a
lot worse off

anyway

how was your day, honey?

there are completely irrelevant
things in our lives
that we will remember until
the day we meet our
makers

his eyes blue
as a clear sky that you
never notice all day long
until you finally
look up

& you can't look away


there's just nothing else there
but blue





& the way that he's looking
at you

the sky was red
with your
fury

when you thought
it wouldn’t
show

the night made it
seem snowy
if you tilted your
sight at
the proper angle


the train down the
avenue
moved so hauntingly
between the
trees


& I couldn’t find
your soul this
time

if you watch closely;
cautiously,
it all simmers deep into
the knife
& the chalice
you can only compel
the limbs that still long
to be held
without consequence
of malice

& oh, how it still simmers
in you, baby.

we lay our weapons
down as our
kisses melt to frowns
to wonder if we just might
need them, maybe

can we control that path?
can we trim up all
the edges
to avoid the ****** bath?

you plot your grave
far from my skin
& my armor is too small
for a heart so
flushed with sin

when will we raise the
shield again?
for yet, my love...


I cannot let you
win.

let us sink into the
gleam
of the holy unknown shaking
deliverance
that is a cold hard kiss
to the neck

a shivering dream


what fervor!
she casts her breath out
in a panicked
fever


pure ecstasy
with a bold-pressed silent stare
that echoes




"more."

"yes, I'll have one
lobotomy
on the rocks


pretty please."

she'd been in ballet
since the age of three
a queen of the castle
she'd have you
believe

her eyes were cold
& grey
hair as dark as
the shadows under it
but her voice was soft
& sweet as honey
so I never believed the things
she would whisper
in her sinister
tone

her parents were murdered
when she was ten
she spent the rest of her days
fighting crime
as a suited-up *******
with a multi-million dollar arsenal
of weapons designed to bring
the evil of Gotham
to justice

no, I'm kidding
but her parents really were
murdered

she's always been this way
before that
always so serious
she couldn't stand it when I
grew my hair out
so she chopped hers off

we both knew who
was stronger
who was braver
I'd seen her in many a fight
& she never lost
I feared her


but there was something within me
that she feared too
& she swore to sever it
with any might she had
like I was her only weakness
skin and exposed bone
we were


she was everything I wanted to be

everything
& me

stay away from the computer
clean the apartment
remove toddler from dangerous objects
stay away from the computer
clean the apartment
**** myself
clean the apartment
stay away from the computer
remove toddler from dangerous objects
look for a job
before my husband throws me out
clean the apartment

rinse
repeat

oh, sink me underneath
your tired bones
& I'll rest until my wings
grow back
for I fear I'll never
fly in
these desert days
where the sun is higher
than I am
for what seems like
an eternity
& the moon is my
long-lost lover

honey, what
I want you to understand
is that I would sail
a billion stormy
death-laden waves
to get to where you sleep
at night
& for that kind of
thinking
I **** well deserve
the desert days
but I'll gladly take them




there's only so much land
before you reach the
sea

it's mad season
here
& we cling to the
trolley
but who taught
this girl
to fight fire
with folly?

she's painting the
town
she can't stand the
aesthetic
she won't be held
down
she's unhinged, she's
frenetic

we seek shelter
from storms
she stands calmly
within them
the thunder her
song
& the lightning her
emblem

we should have
known better
than to leave her to
weather
but how do you
harness
a girl with no
tether?


one day I asked her
"of what is your
pain?"


she whispered
"my darling, it's all in
the rain."

I want you to
Belong
To me only on
Rainy days
While my bones are
Weary without
Notice

Today I shall
Call you my
Pariah
& you will
Sleep underneath
My wings

You always had your
Right to know,
Honey
But they'll steal your
Right to
Dream
& your heart has
No place
Tacked to the
Corkboard

You hid the poetry potion
Too far beyond the
Shelf
& she still caught you
In the glow of
Green
& all the beautiful
Things
Never made sense
To us.

he'd left her lips
pulsing red
at the very thought of him
sharing his
bed

all was left unsaid
she took her pills
& sought solace in her
head

there is nothing in the
world
more difficult to wake
than the dead
aside from
the ghost in her
conscience
& the sorrow she
fed



nothing more to dread



but the road she has not yet
the courage to
tread

these days I
find myself trying
to remember
how to
burn


efficiently,


with an air of
almost seeming like
it was my
turn

but sleep supersedes
& when neglected
can impede

one's ability to
spark


so how did you
find me in
that deep, hollow
dark?


was it the left
second star?

was it the glow of my
smoldering cigar?

or was it the signal flare
I lit on top of that cop's car?

sometimes it takes the
smallest flames
to see

your fire is never as far
as it seems
to be


so on the second star
we'll meet;  
pass the cigar to
the beat
of all the squad cars
burning in the
street



& maybe just maybe
one day we can
live inside of our own

heat

she’ll conserve your leverage
if you invade her
interest

you aren’t bargaining
for devotion
& she isn’t waiting for moths
to eat away at her coat

shouldn't you have
realized
that we’re in a ******
rivalry
this time around
where beautiful grapes
are never ripe
& she isn't infinite
enough for your
tongue
& sense of divine
chivalry?

compassionate knight,
haven’t you known
yourself
to stumble so often
until now
when she has finally freed
you of your
combat burns
& cherished wounds?

call her intuitive, but
she caught you
long ago
through a forest clearing
with a box of
cigars
& too many dreams


you told yourselves you
were too much
alike

if you stay in the
shallows
you can see her
beating heart
a siren
emerging from
imaginary depths

dirt on
your skin
she creeps right in
a weightless delicacy
midnight hair
starry-eyed goddess

breath on your neck like
a soft prayer

the smell of lilies



screaming in the distance



"all you dream of"




"at the bottom of the sea"


her hand on your chest
the way she sang so sweetly
into your shirt



you dive in a little deeper
& sleep with her
once more

the summer disperses into
the asphalt
you disperse into my
conscience
& I cannot carry on


the sky was raw with
your pain
a pale blue and silent
agony
just before the dawn


the wind will shift in
your favor
& I'll waver in my
courage
to say you're wrong


the full moon seen in
the daylight
are all the words I ever
needed
to tell you of my song

gonna be a long night.
I'm going to enjoy it, too.
I want the sweet to soar above the bitter.
I want to spread love
& leave the lingering taste of it
on everyone's breath

another chapter ends
tonight
& it's my choice not
to end it in minor
key


ｂｅｃａｕｓｅ　ｈｏｎｅｙ， ｙｏｕ
ｍｅａｎｔ　ａ　ｌｏｔ
ｔｏ　ｍｅ


& I love that you always
seem to go right where you
need to be

so go
& I'll hold onto
what lingers
when you leave

but you can still remember me
in lo-fi beats
& pale blue dreams.

oh miss lovely lady


wasted before the clock

strikes one

the whole self-help scenario has never worked
well for me

I spent my days in
& out
of conscientiousness

forever fueled by what my heart
hungers for

& nothing on the table
is worth a
bite

my glass is not filled
with enough
drink
to ripen my anxious
tongue

my bed is a battlefield
of lost sleep
raised voices
& blurry dreams


I could dig myself to the
other side of the
Earth


& never feel any more
unclean

the morning wake-up call
from a horrifying dream sequence
the kind where you slowly sit up in silence
& stare at the wall
too shocked to make a sound

the nightmare was in itself normal
everyone was kind to me
but it felt untrue
they all had daggers hidden
deep in their palms
ready to strike at my slightest
faltering

I made my coffee and dove
into the online world
where he found me as a green dot
on the screen
sought me out and mentioned
that fate had once again not been
our mutual friend
& he had walked in my mother's
door just as I had left
the other day

the tears welled up
casting colorlessly behind my hair
I knew it too
I saw his car hiding in the back
but I kept on driving
I had to go




I had to go





now my hands are shaking
another outcome of
too much java
& not enough sustenance
he kept asking what was wrong
what was wrong
its all wrong, honey
& I'm two short tiptoes from
driving into
an open field
clutching unharvested crops
& screaming until my
lungs give
out




I should have stayed

her breath
was lost in the
beauty
of woodwork
that housed
the contents of
her previous
heart

every beat was
a gasp for
the air she so solemnly
beckoned

a taste of its
pressure before all
that broke
her

well, the ****** thing
was locked shut
in a former haze of
lunacy

& she'd taken full
advantage
of lush-ridden amnesia
to summon the
combination

cirrhosis sounded like
a fantasy ride
compared
to a resurrection of
the past year

& she can't open
the safe
she cannot open
what was
safe

but she's grown enough
to cling onto
courage
like it's her last
cigarette


& she doesn't even
smoke

everything turned to nothing
summer simmered down
blood boiled up

I can scream into my pillow
the whole world will still listen
& pretend not to hear

I've become everything that
I feared

stupid
lazy
child-like


I built a house of hate
drop of a hat
insta-rage


coffee doesn't sharpen
wit
& liquor left me little
lip



lost hope for the one who
knew better

but never
quit

give up the
ghost
the warmth in your toes
is hard to filter through
tears
& years
of the wrong dose
in this glass
that's ever too close
to **empty

she sits in a booth
far back in some corner

panther in the grass

it wouldn't matter
he could smell her perfume
from 40 miles away

& you don't forget her scent and
the way her hair looked like
black sails in the
western wind
soaked within the pale moonlight
of your last days
as a
human being

so how do you really decipher
who hunts who?
a riddle is a riddle is a
never-ending
tirade of unanswered questions
that they never dare
to ask

always watching, always wanting
the ****
& the thrill of it
all

so why does she walk blindly
into the den of wolves
full of loud music and heavy tension
& far, far too much whiskey
knowing full well
this night may be one of her
last?

she didn't seem to mind
when I asked

she smiled from her hospital bed





"oh, honey, he was well worth
the fight."