The all-clear has
Been given
& the sun has fully
Risen
To reveal the blotched red
Face of another
Sorry aching
From which escape seems
Almost improbable
So I'll gladly clip my
Wings
& settle down in my
Depth
& debt of all the
Forgiving
That has been long spent
& wasted upon you
For I cannot see myself ever
Truly abandoning
My sleep
As you continue to
Remind me
In all this bitter forsaken *******
Glory
That this war in my head
Will never end
& the ashes will never
Part
& the drinks
Oh, the drinks will be
My only friend
When you are no longer allowed
To be
& all that's been so
Lost
& forgotten
Has come to stake its claim
in my bitter
skin & bone
When you whisper of my
beauty
& I cannot say
goodbye.

when I realized
my birthday


falls on
friday
this year

I
had
a
poem
written
specifically
for
the
horror
that
has
been
to­day

but it doesn't matter

nothing changes

unless I make it change

& I can't through this

so what's gonna help?


he told his own son today he didn't want him anymore

sometime
you might catch me
dreaming in the
day
that you whisper
into my
ear


I never know what
you'll say
but oh, darling
how I long
to
hear

she recalled of her life she
spent
living in the well
time spent counting
bricks
days past breathing
hell

she'll start to climb
every now and again
but she'll always
get caught
wrapped up in the
promises
& lies that she
bought

"lift me up"
she weakly cried
to the king
but he never dared
look down
upon the brittle useless
queen
& her burden-weighted
crown

the winter's past
the sun is
high
& the summer children
sing of all we've
known



I promise one
day
you'll make your mark
& never
dream alone

the past
has long passed





& its all undone, baby

you live to chase
s
        t
               o
          r
     m
s





I live to chase                              
                                             y
                                                     o
                                                               u.

one night I remember
laying on my balcony
staring at the stars

I was very sad
I usually am in retrospect

I had spent a whole day
maybe a few days
feeling like I felt absolutely
nothing
& let me tell you
I wouldn't wish that on
anyone
but after that letter
there was just nothing left
to feel for a little while
you know?

maybe you don't
hell, I don't even know
if I know
that was years ago
& I have a ****** long-term
memory

but I remember I kept that
letter for a couple years
got ****** and tore
it up one day
after I had stopped looking
at it for a good while
there are some things you just
don't need to see for a
forty-seventh
time


you can never get
too lost
if you don't have anywhere
left to go


anyway, I'm losing track
what I was going to talk about
was how ******* cold it was
the night I was laying on
my balcony
it was mid-September
& there was this light chill
to the air that was just enough to
shake your bones
& I laid there and I was
crying
but the stars were so
beautiful
& I was angry with myself
for not enjoying them
& loving the life
that was graced unto me


whenever I get there
cold cold balcony crying
I light a candle
& think of home
think of you
think of all the love
you got
that you're too coy
to share



whenever I get there
at least I know
I got you
too

your hand grips
mine
in the desert night
& I have to
count
how many times
you've led me
down this
line

the law need not
banish you,
love
as you, yourself
have done

but the fickle
rain
& this sordid game
can't wash what
has
become

oh, anything of nothing
first create

why must you scavenge
all my love
& pay me back with
hate?

the late season tortures
with cold breath
& kisses weary
bones

wherefore art thou,
cast to
hell's depth,
who slew my weakened
soul?


I'll keep your
grip
as you keep mine
along our sullied
stroll


but I've half a
mind
to prove how
time
can truly take its
toll

& here's the glorious part
the part that no one remembers
the bits and beautiful
pieces
of our lives so subtly
Forgotten in time
like the day you told her
she’d be the one
if it weren’t for everything
else
she would be a second
heaven to you
but the first is always
the best
& you will live that as
long as you **** well
need and please to
while you drop
daggers
into the heart of the
second without so much as
another glance
& your smile burns holes
into her conscience
forever teeming
with those all too reluctant
goodbyes
and i’m sorries
and she deserves so much more
than her petty
bewildered ******* daydreams
of all that she never had
forgotten
but ******* well should have
as a new day goes by
& you still have no idea
what the ****
I’m talking about.

"Those birds have been

Flying through here

For five

Minutes.

I sat in my car

& watched

Them pass by

Because

I was too afraid

To go inside."

"I love you more than

Anything

In this world."

& then five minutes didn't

Mean so much

To the world anymore

& she should have sat in her

Car just a bit

Longer

& maybe once its

Warmer

She won't have to

Remember

& there are always times

When you don't know

What you're saying

"Yes," to

Perhaps the silk evening

Gown was filled with a little

More purpose

Then she felt comfortable

With

& we all knew where the

Train lead to this

Time when

We would wait for

Hours

Until it passed

& this will

Pass

If she wills it

To.

I helped your mom
clean out your
apartment today
I thought I'd be
reliving
a nightmare
but baby, your blood
is all over this
city
& I can barely
breathe
in it

days, they melt
& mold and
settle
into weeks from
the night
we sat outside on
your front step
& you told me how
strong I was
but you were so
scared
that I was too
forgiving

you said you wanted to
take me and Davy
& get the hell away from
here

I laughed and said you
wouldn't last a day
with me
& my "crazy"
but you didn't believe
me, baby

guess I didn't realize
other peoples'
demons
are stronger than our
own

guess I didn't realize
I'd be doing this
alone

guess I didn't realize
some days are
better
& some days are
skin and bone

the trees perform
in the soft denim light
& my handwriting
could stand to
be prettier
but I am drunk on
sadness
& lack of fortune

I feel you in
the air
for once I confirm
I am not alone
although I *******
am

will it blend?
will it
mend?

the only two stars
remaining
helped me to
believe it
may

there are two
libras
(or were they wolves?)
there is a fight inside
of me

which one do I have
courage to
starve
& which one do I
feed?


down this gravel
I know I've
been
so frequently
before

do I walk
stability
or one that's
been at
war?


felt I have the
loving hands
of the former's gentle
grace

but touched was I
by the latter's wit
& the dreams
of his embrace


there are two
libras
(they might be wolves)
that follow me
today

the one the wind
will always
love


& the one it
cast away

the feeling of muted
rain
while standing beneath a
forest canopy
is the closest I've felt to
being alive
in many, many years

air thick enough to taste
& the sound of
your breath
playing in time with
the chorus of
all the life that sang
around us

& how I've given trust
to time
did not for a moment
reflect in the
longing for what could
never quite be
mine

but you still gave me
the courage
to shine
& I bared my
soul
without asking
a dime


now lend me your
wild
while I sing you
silver lines

tears in front of
the ancestors' tomb
again

you'd think at
twenty-eight
I'd learned all my
lessons
but Lynn & Gretta's
littlest girl
lost the chips she thought
she'd win

stuck between an atrophied,
near-calcified heart
& a hard place
good lord,
she's still fighting to
salvage face

to keep her name

but all these pitfalls
are none but hers
to blame

never a gambler


but ever still playing
the game

it had become
quite clear
that her escape plan
lacked ingenuity
when she was drafted into
the coldest war in
her history,
her only armor
being her
slow, simmering
rage

but not a single weapon of
words

it was the cool,
unseasonable August breeze
that crept into the nape
of her neck
warning her to
speak not


for the art of effort
is poetry
alone

it's too ******* hot
in this tavern
& I'm the designated
poet laureate
that had no time to
adequately pregame

there are too
many angels in this
devil sky today
it's like beckoning
a barter
for just a *******
breath

I can hear Satan's
laughter over
Eric Clapton
but it no longer
shakes my
soul
I've seen inside that one
& I know better
yet I remain none
the wiser

the tiny staple
placed upon
the geyser
& this hell on earth
knows just where
the blood will
likely flow
unto the depths of
these rock-laden
pearls
& all of
what we were granted
to be gifted

& *******
*******
fuuuuuck you
for being so chauvinistically
nonchalant
I am your forgotten
paid for shot
of Tuaca
your half-smoked
cigarette
on the edge of the
patio table

I am hell
in suburban purest
form

I've waited too long
to write to
please
now I've transformed;
meet
amitryptyline me

should I talk about
my life?
because I don't really
want to
I'm just trying to
fill pages;
to fall into a better
groove

what fresher breath of air
than one that's born
anew
I've had this book for
three years
now
& it's time I changed
the tune

sleep and drink have
welcomed me into
their
toxic arms
if I appease them any more
would you please set
my alarm?

i see your lemon juice
in the fridge
with the instructions you
wrote to remind
me to drink more water
because you knew
i was a jaded
lush

i want to expel it
and christen it as garbage
but i don't, as
i hope you'll be back for it
someday

i put too much faith
in people
who don't really
give a ****
or simply aren't
required to

i put too much soul
into things
left behind here

the devil in the details

the almond oil left on the nightstand
by my son's father
who took his
own life
just last May

the striped journal i still
haven't written in
from my dearest friend
who abandoned me
because I loved my demons
too much

as a human
part of your survival
is to encourage
self-love
& my cup runneth
*******
empty


my memory is an endless
loop of love
that is long gone to me
now


when you've driven them
all away
where do you drive?


& would you choose water
over wine?

maybe I belong
somewhere amongst the
digits of stars
that rest above where you
sleep at night


maybe I am fortune's fright


maybe I burn too fast
for these plights

but baby, what I wouldn't give


to see you in that
light

go.
clear the drawers of
all the compartments
you constructed
from scratch that were never
stable enough
to hold purpose

clear my taste from your
devil tongue
while I attempt to burn your sea-fared
gaze from my sight

the gaze that still lingers
in dreams
& seeks to pull the life
out of me

know, soul seeker
this is not a war you
will ever win
& one I cannot afford
to lose

your reckoning
will come
whether or not I aid
in its cause

I can only hope I'm
around to witness the flames
surround those
ocean eyes

you are my constant


my only constant


you keep me living


although I may be livid


you might not see, dear


just what we’re here for


so don’t watch me waste


another beautiful day

a kind of
vibrant, violent
wave
hits the thick atmosphere
with puzzling
poise
& divine undertones

she tries not to drink from
the many glasses
offered to
her
but his had such a
taste of rose
& she'd forgotten she
didn't care for
floral gifts



she'd prefer the drink
instead.

.
.
.

to know me is
to know
I will probably never
make it through all 30
of these prompts

𝘰𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘺, 𝘴𝘰 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘢𝘺

to know me is
to know
I don't feel much regret
for those kinds of
things these
days

to know me is
to know I will always make
"the best of it," no matter
the depths of life's
intermittent
cuts

but...

to know me is
to know
an open wound;

to know the hell
I have survived
& continue to

to know that I bear it --
not with pride,
but with a vengeful tenacity

to know that in time
it will heal,
& with stunning vivacity

to know me is
to know

a cut will not ever
be the way that I
go

I heard a man
cry out one
day,

"for what reason
does she
burn?"

& thought if the poor soul
had to ask

he'll be sorry when
he learns

for from that depth
one never quite

returns

lady luck deleted
& blocked me
like all the others
& I can't see her posts
any longer
we'd become distant
for some time
now

I find my comfort
in dimly lit
spaces
& bottles of hard
liquor
with occasional love
affairs with
men
who can't be bothered
to be held
down
they all float down
here
in the land of all
the disillusioned
& unenchanted
it's a rough go of it,
Georgie
& it ain't getting better
from here

I'd be Edward Elric
give an arm
& leg
to pull you from
the grave
& ask why you
went away
but it wouldn't be
the same
they only come back
when the audience
least expects
never when you
beg and beg
when you claw your
nails into the
carpet where you last
embraced
every time you start
to lose your
head

because you said we
were going to do
this together
& I didn't *******
believe you

it's the boss battle
& the world has left me
ill-equipped

another Saturday Syndrome
where I chase a bottle
to quiet the brain
but I can't stir the silence
in my own domain
& it's so deafening I cannot
breathe

is this what it's like to be
punished and free?
is this what it's like to
sit chained before the sea?


I promised myself


I wear my headphones
in the bar
but I can still hear the desperation
in the voices from afar

we are all low on ammunition
& I've got no spare cash for
the right kind of
ambition


I promised myself


I'm just crossing fingers
& wishing on spilled
eyelashes

that maybe, just
maybe
I'll be far *******
past this



I promised myself it wouldn't
be me

I feel as if I am perpetually
reaching for things that
are never there

like stars
that have long since changed shape
or died
like conversations
that have long since changed pace
or died
like people
that have long since changed face
or died


there is no home left here for me


but I’d sewn myself into
the ground
just to grow the strength to feel
safe
& now this whole ******
devil town
grins pertinacious
in my attempt
to escape


did you see it, too?


the sick, sad smiles
of the vacant

& the blue?

come what, may?

it's that swallow of
guilt I can't help
but stomach;

it's the galaxy of rain drops
on the pre-dawn
painted window scene

& it's that look I
I know I'm being
given from miles and miles
& miles far
away

they've all settled
underneath my
skin

& everything that I
feel and fear
bears the burden of
a future sin
when all either wanted
was to just let the
other in

maybe I'm afraid of
the ever-fleeting
folly

maybe I'm afraid of me

but I can't seem to
help but rest my
tired bones
inside such a gentle
reprieve

"kudos to those who see
through sickness,
yeah..."

is this the final
exigency
I've so desperately
sought?

or am I still
writhing in the hell
of a life
& a love that was
for naught?


I called out caution
to the waves
& they called to me:


"may, come what?"

she lives for the days when
she doesn’t mind
the wind through her hair
or when he was always
in the way

just a few nights
prior
he had twisted her wrist
& she’ll never recall
why

she would freeze this stage
with her heart if she
only could
just to find that tiny scratch
of leeway for
the missing nap
& untouched presentation

of where is my old motivation?

you are pretty with your
words, sir
but ugly with your touch
& tone

now hand me that feather-tip pen
& I’ll write you a
new one

they say absence
makes the heart
grow fonder

can't say that
I agree

to me
absence makes the
heart grow

smarter


with each love
from which it breaks
free.

I gave up the
ghost of my pencil
for a few months
to try
& practice a bit
of the art of
sanity

with a few dashes
of subtlety

my dreaming palace
will not climb
any stairs
today

& his lips will be
as soft as when
I know that I’ll be
lonely

𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘭 𝘪𝘴 𝘳𝘪𝘱𝘦
𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘢

the search of true
summer

with his heart on my
bare sleeve…

who would have thought

as star-like cinders
fell into the
river
the broken bridge would
at last one day
die?

& all the recollection
circling through
her mind
was her own hand
clutching the
can of gasoline
as a desperate prisoner
clutches cellhouse
bars

she didn't know why.

"it was already in flames
before you arrived,"
they would tell
her

she didn't know why.

she watched stoic
as it all collapsed into
the water
the last iron beam
that fell
ripped out a piece of
her soul
& took it under with
the wreckage

she now wanders the
weathered country roads
bare feet kissing gravel
the only affection
for miles

the vernal moon
begins to rise
& she harbors no offering,
no plea, no barter
not one word
to the unmerciful cosmos


but the bridge that
was her dying
heart

yeah, I lived in a
supernova
once.

there weren’t as many
stars as I would
have liked to
imagined

but the parties
were great
& you could leave
whenever you
wanted


I think I stayed because
no one really
saw me


I left once I got
tired of
solving puzzles in
the dark

some days I dream this
place vacant
so there's room for us
to waltz

some days I can't help
but feel that I'm
at fault

for more than what
I gave you in
a look

honey, you read
me by the
book

& I'm too lonely to let go
of all I know in time
will turn to
ashes

but we're much too
far gone past
this

so I'll dream
& you'll dream and
we'll both never
sleep

& maybe someday you'll
find me there
just in
time


to swim with me in
the deep

the sky was red
with your
fury

when you thought
it wouldn’t
show

the night made it
seem snowy
if you tilted your
sight at
the proper angle


the train down the
avenue
moved so hauntingly
between the
trees


& I couldn’t find
your soul this
time

life is cold outside
& my breath is
pure winter

pure inspiration
pure intrigue

with every yawn
is intensity
& uncomforting vibrancy

but I must push through


ｂｒｅａｔｈｅ
ｂｒｅａｔｈｅ
ｂｒｅａｔｈｅ


the lights are all
dancing


& they’ve yet to
teach me
how

I am lucky
for a few days'
lucidity
before my newfound "normal"
overcast


I am lucky
for the ability to
laugh
with barbed wire
in my chest


I am lucky
for the home I
fought
with primal screams
through jagged teeth
for


I am lucky
for being loved
by others
while the sensation
feels so foreign to
me now


I am lucky
for the voice i have
waited

so, so long

to sing of all these
sorrows

most people worry when the
lump hits their
throat


I'm the one who feels
the knot in her
chest first

'cause it's all I can do
before things get
much worse

& the waves just keep crashing
in the devil's churn of
this ******
curse


you've blended in with
the woods again
& I still don't know the
next time I'll get
to touch your
skin


but what a beautiful sin
to wait for


the airport is quiet in the back
of concourse e
& I still see your face
as you said
goodbye to me


the edibles and mimosas
could never be as
sweet


so I'll hide the taste beneath
my tongue

until yet again
we meet




tá mé i ngrá leat

the river made the air
so much colder as she stood
on the bridge
the kind of cold you need
when you are

this numb

there exists an ethereal beauty
sewn into the bleak canvas
of the winters here

but she's spent so much time
in this place
that the place has spent her
with it

& she's misplaced all the
colors she needs to
add life


she clutches to black
as it seeps into
her palm

& says "not yet, death...


'tis the storm
before the
calm."

most I see these days are
heartless;
while there are some I see
who have given up
on their heart


what a sorrowful sight


for eyes already
sore

she forgot she
was at war
& just how much
was at stake
she swallowed the
bullet
but failed to find
just how easy
the shell was to
break

gunpowder turned
corrosive
eating through her
armored skin
--
the world turned
sanctimonious
& she became the
sin

but goddess is as
goddess does
with a promise she
takes to the
grave

"the torches they light
underneath
my feet
shall never burn
enough
to entice me to
cave."

been another while;
suppose it was about time
I came back to the inevitable
keyboard turnstile

to the blank space that awaits
the usually worthless
words tumbling out
of this head


& ray liotta is dead


spent a week with my oregon lover
sans one kidney these days
happiest we’ve been
in months;
but the stride back to
reality we must
obey

we both lost our jobs
& an *****,
we’ve scars to prove
the fact

but he lucked out with no
utilities, no rent
& I’m left with those and
three stressed out
cats

& the kids are leaving the
upstairs flat

it’s hard to have hope in this
capitalist world
where the gas prices soar
& the billionaires hoard

it's hard to see a good future
when I’m
an unstable *** bore

the love and the storms
are what keep me
going
when all else seems
so tremendously bleak

& I pray lady luck lends
down her warm
embrace

to give us the life that we
desperately seek


but ****, was it a good *******
week

she could sense it in the cool
November night
in the tiny red dots
that gave the horizon
its ominous light

it was something like
burning
it reminded her
of him
& it reminded her of
yearning

the turbines
grow closer with
the glow of
ambition
we grow amongst
ourselves
but with fear of
God's perdition

& it's something like
burning
it reminds us of
them
& it reminds us of
yearning

"you promised, you
promised!"
the child cried in
despair
& it bled from his
eyes into
his tired mother's
hair

someday he will learn, she
would tell herself
despite
the fact that paths, they
must be altered
when there's bridges to
ignite

& mama it's something like
burning
he reminds you so
much of
him
& he reminds you of
that yearning

I'm sorry that you
suffered
from the weight of this
sick earth
I'm sorry that a
bullet
was the way to end
your curse

I'll miss you every
moment
through minutes
through hours
through days

I'll see you in the forest
trees
through sunsets
through storms
& through gray

& baby

it's something like a
burn
it'll always remind me
of you
& the reason why
I yearn.

the drugs wore off;
the tears came and they
won't stop
& I have to hold my stomach in
or it sears in pain with
every sob


what apt timing to be
left in the dust

what apt timing for you to
do what you believe
you must


never thought I'd have
to search for
how much ativan and norcos
I can take before I'm
on the floor

but here we are
& here I am

as you stare at that beautiful ocean


& I try to keep these
stitches from bleeding into
my hands.

it's 5 am on a tuesday
late november
& cold as
hell

another day

a few hours ago I was
informed by message that
my father was
dead

another so it goes.

we weren't close but my
older siblings are pretty upset
I somehow saw it
& felt it would be swift

another altar candle

the only grief I have is for
my family.
my sister and brother's guilt over not
doing more hit too close

another "same as it ever was"

.
.
.
.
.

it's mad season
here
& we cling to the
trolley
but who taught
this girl
to fight fire
with folly?

she's painting the
town
she can't stand the
aesthetic
she won't be held
down
she's unhinged, she's
frenetic

we seek shelter
from storms
she stands calmly
within them
the thunder her
song
& the lightning her
emblem

we should have
known better
than to leave her to
weather
but how do you
harness
a girl with no
tether?


one day I asked her
"of what is your
pain?"


she whispered
"my darling, it's all in
the rain."

these days I
find myself trying
to remember
how to
burn


efficiently,


with an air of
almost seeming like
it was my
turn

but sleep supersedes
& when neglected
can impede

one's ability to
spark


so how did you
find me in
that deep, hollow
dark?


was it the left
second star?

was it the glow of my
smoldering cigar?

or was it the signal flare
I lit on top of that cop's car?

sometimes it takes the
smallest flames
to see

your fire is never as far
as it seems
to be


so on the second star
we'll meet;  
pass the cigar to
the beat
of all the squad cars
burning in the
street



& maybe just maybe
one day we can
live inside of our own

heat

sometimes I wonder
what might happen
if the night sky
turns red

sometimes I wonder
how much better
I'd write
if I weren't on
my meds

circumstances
& slight of sanity
may perpetually
prevent it

but you can make
the damnedest
certain
the flames in those fields
will finally be
lit

maybe the storms
will awaken
what within me
is dead

& sometimes I wonder
what might happen
if the night sky
turns red