In the midst of today's stormy chaos, she forgot to bring her binder to school, the track names on the Damien Rice mix, and how to act miserable around him.
It seems everyone knows about everything.
The boyfriend.
Her rebellious plot.
She woke up
On the not quite
Normal
Side of the bed.
"Let's revolt,"
She thinks.
"Let's be pirates sailing
The universe, stealing
Stars
As we float
Amongst contellations
Perhaps Andromeda wouldn't
Need her chains
Anymore."
She dreamt she blended in with the walls.
& he was frustrated
& the girl was smiling
She watched them as they left
Together
Walking down the road
Then she tore herself from
The wall
& walked in the opposite direction.

he'd left her lips
pulsing red
at the very thought of him
sharing his
bed

all was left unsaid
she took her pills
& sought solace in her
head

there is nothing in the
world
more difficult to wake
than the dead
aside from
the ghost in her
conscience
& the sorrow she
fed



nothing more to dread



but the road she has not yet
the courage to
tread

may you ever be
as colorless as the cold
country night
don't forget my home
in the blistered
stars
reflected on the wires
held so intricately
by your
puppeteer
I am the
cruel, unforgiving
judgement
forever against her
behalf
& behind shades of
Earth
my eyes burn with
this envy
for all I possess is
one who lays
love
with a harsh
tongue
& a heart that
craves
all you only barely
mentioned
that is long, long, long



and
not yet
forgotten

the shifting wind
gave way to a cooler night
but I laid in bed
sleepless
& sweating away
withdrawals from my self-proclaimed
ban on smoking

wide awake in silence
is the worst place to be
if you think like I do
every ache flooding in underneath
the door
the bleeding in my recollection
as if I'd gone so many years
in a cloud of amnesia
it all began to play back on
the silent film reel

the first time you heard me sing

the night I punched you and didn't know what for

when you invited me to meet your band

the tears that fell from your eyes and onto my doorstep

the tears from mine when you went back to her

your fingers in my hair when we were in class

the ***** shots we took on the sidewalk
& you said you loved my poetry

the second tear-stained doorstep
& you went back to her the next day

when you spent the night in my room
& we slept seven feet away from each other
because we were cursed with our loyalty to our lovers

the day she found out
& told you to stay away from me

the day you married her and I locked myself in my bathroom
with a bottle of wine and a handful of pills

my wedding day
you showed up alone and hugged me for too long
in front of God and my husband
my wedding night
when I apologized for punching you years ago
& you kissed my hair

new year's eve
when you invited me over 'cause she was gone
& you held me while we laughed at
Pulp Fiction




these are the things I can never tell you
these are the things that only matter to people like me
who tend to love far too much
in all the wrong places



in quiet dark rooms
while the whole world is asleep

perhaps I was
always seeing it
in dreams;

in perpetual motion;
in the color of her
cheeks as she told me
goodbye.

‘cause I never
caught it in the lines
that curved around her
brows when she
told me what
hurt

& where

& when

& why



maybe it was somewhere
written in the
sky

or coded in her
fingertips
as she brushes the
hair from my
eyes


I wondered if she could
tell that I was
high


& that all of this dream
within a dream
would soon be ours in

𝒔𝒖𝒄𝒉 𝒅𝒖𝒆 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆

what did you give
that I could never take away?




how could you
ever love





& then so swiftly shatter
faith?

turning tables
now you're the one
left in the midst
of the depth
& the dark
like a scorned yet
desirous lover
frantically picking at
flower petals

"he loves me"

"he loves me not"

by the time you've reached
that last pluck
you've become so unsure
of a heart's
folly
that you toss the
tortured daisies
& reach in the grass
to start
anew

I'm
flipping a coin
for the east
& the
west

stuck in the
middle
in the midwestern
agony
& I'm not even
ready for
sleep

I've only been to South
Carolina
as far as palm trees go
but I'd love to see Florida
& even California
someday

I feel like I was born for
them
if only to parade
around
half-naked
with my hair down
& twisted in one
hand

a drink in the other

will you still be around for
last call?

we never run on the same time

I'm not even tired
just tired
of
the plains
& the way it feels cold
& looks gray
for far too
long

not even tired
so I'll sing myself
away

untold riches
sold by the pound

you tucked them within
your shirt sleeve
& I never made
a sound

it's just too cold for a
heart so bold
& all these missed
advances
make me feel all the
more this old


wait


wait for me
by the crossroads
wearing only your bare
brazen skin

& I'll help you to
remember
all the hell that we

lived in.

Exhausted and unbeknownst
To the world
Trying to comprehend
Anything
Everything
Still coughing out
Insufficiencies
She's hitting her
Record low
& decreasing in
Seldom movement
Culminating every molecule
of unwilling breath
Without commiseration
A fever too full to fast
Love to lithe to last
Chiseled to match
The statue of imperfection.

I have nothing to write about
when I'm angry
just many colorless words to
speak at anyone with
open ears
I ought to be banished
from anything with a "send" button
when I am this way

she said his shirt
matched his eyes
when we both caught up
with him
my dear friend was notorious
for speaking nervously around him
when we both knew it was
me harboring all the
anxiety
well, they both match the
color of the only decent pen I could
find in hopes of masking my
own indecency

I have loved so wrongly
in this world
& will continue to do so
until my limbs bend and break
in the gusts of my
wrongdoing

the way he stares at me
through pictures
is enough for me to carve out
my beating heart
& offer it to him on a
silver platter
garnished with my bones

& he will never know

'cause poetry is so forlorn in
conversation these days
& I was never any
good at talking small
so why talk
at all?

when I can stare
& cry over silly pictures
of a silly man
who knows not what the color
of blue
can do
to silly girls
like me

she would watch for you
while you were at
sea
tangled in the scratched
& forgotten mess of
CDs
you would leave past
the door

all that harmony
you were wishing for
plays in the back
of her head
& she becomes a
land-locked
siren
crying out in
melodies
for you to come
back home

the chaos has come to
collect her now
the dust surrounds in
thick black clouds
fueled by fury

& it creeps up her
spine
to whisper into her
ear
that all is lost to
Father Time
& she doesn't have a
prayer's chance
of ever keeping you
near

oh miss lovely lady


wasted before the clock

strikes one

she left the pen on the shelf
for the last few days
afraid of her own mistempered tongue
& the way she felt so alone
in a crowded
bar

to dive in
with nostalgic hope
is to die
in heavy-laden glances
from the stage
& realize that this is all
you will ever have
left

& it is hell
yes
as it may always be

but you must let those eyes
gaze upon you

until you realize
you must walk away
with heightened
shoulders

'cause honey you were never
good enough
to stand up there
in the laughter
& the groovy depth


never good enough
to sing along


that
& you really ****
at the two-step

I could have asked her
If she was
Dreaming
But I saw it in
The way
She held her breath
So low
Too many of the
Same familiar songs
& it makes as much sense
As it did
The last time she
Saw him go
"Aren't we all prisoners?"
She thought to ask
Some cool summer's dusk
Why, of course
Sweet love
Now take my hand
& I'll show you
What we're all
Dreaming
Of.

quick -- hand me your
clinical nest
so easily disguised
in the form of
beautiful
white tears that
glisten with hints of
subtle blue

they tend to find easy
refuge
on the edge of
my lips
when they see the
leaves
are falling

honey, don't you know
if you keep the
window open
eventually I'm going to



fly away?



we can't count our
courtesies
as often as our
conflicts
& you were never there
to know
the difference

one day you'll stop trying
to predict my
wings


& I'll stop trying to
remember
how well you
could

it feels like I'm

ten microwave seconds

from

spontaneous combustion

the cobwebs in the
moonlight
snatched her up while she
was sleeping
we didn't see her for
months

she fed on dust
& old photographs
when she rose she looked
more beautiful than
she ever
had


bathed in silver
& memory


she never forgot her place
in the line of
the earth
& every whimper kept me
tethered to her tears


in the winter she was lost
again




this time it's been for
years

I could say so much
trapped in between the
silences
& all we ever brought to our
cluttered tables

you mislead me
& I falter on the fine print
I make up in my
love-lusted imperfected
daydreams
never citing my sources
'cause God knows there aren't any

just intuition, baby
& your carefully crafted hand
on my hip

you ever seen her dance?
she don't dance too well
but hell, she's got a lot of heart
& you can't ignore a woman
like that

even if she is just a girl
she loves to dream
once more living life as a
rebellious teen
though her grip was forever
clenched upon the fear
of consequence

just wait
one day she'll light up
& not give a ****
who's watching


if you're lucky
it might be
you

she wanted to strip off
her shoes
& sprint through the
field of dying
wheat
glistening orange stalks
in the setting
sun

unraveling her delicate
bandaged wings
she reminisced upon how
she had never liked
to run
but it was all this
day
had to offer


"when will we stop being so afraid?"


her hair flew like dark sails
out from behind

brief footfalls on the
pavement
& she had half a
mind

to never stop


billions of stars blazed in
the sky
on two separate nights


& she had yet to
wish upon
that first falling
light


her lungs gave out once she
reached the land of
buried bodies
carefully planted near her
home


but at last she felt a glint
of hope



that much was left
to roam

to engage in vocal
agony
leaves no repose

& we've fought as far
as the altercation
goes

now please my
dear



won't you leave me
to my own?



I'll place my gilded cape
on the ground

& step far from
our throne

she likes to pretend that
she can make anyone fall in
love with her
but she always wakes
in the morning wondering who
would care for such a
misfortune

it never really works anyway
& she catches all the
unintended fish
but she'll go on casting
her spells
forever fighting fate
in his unrequited
honor
& she'll be fighting
these tears
all the ****** unresponsive
night
if she isn't careful

the music
will always lead
her heart
to where it isn't meant
to lay
& the dreams
will always rip her
right from reality
on these cold winter
days

she is caught in the
crossfire
between her love
& her vow

if you ask her when
she'd like to escape
she'll say

"I'll never know how."

the day was spent
posting old, neglected
poetry
& ******* around on
tumblr

listening to eisley
sing about
never growing up

the babe is rocking himself
in the big yellow chair
grinning at me
its so frightening to be someone's
pure guidance
every
day

the husband is cursing at
modern warfare 3
unpoetic
harsh
rude
I'll never understand why
he calls me childish

we don't sleep around here
& when we do
no one is there to hear it

I have bad words on my
tongue tonight
& nowhere to put them
but in songs
no one listens to when I post
them on facebook

I'm addicted to this exhibitionism.

I remember you were
calm
once the ashes were
long gone
& I never gave notice
'cause all I ever noticed was
all wrong

worn out matchbooks
& wildfire eyes
steadily fixed upon the glow
I've come to borrow
from the
sky

I'll find rest in my
burdens
I'll find vitality in my
fate
& the air you've lent to my
aching lungs
is the life I shall
create

More compatible
With our drink
Of choice
Call me a martyr
& beg to greet
Thy mercy
With a taste
Of what we all
Think we deserve
To sing about

You never gave me
Much else to go
On and on
About other than
Your eyes
& the grace you
Played off
On each fingertip.

& all she wants
To do
Now is just
Burn
Burn
Burn
It all away
To every cinder.

Come pacify
Come eager
Come alone
Come to me
Come not at all

But if only to
Listen.

touch your tongue
to my
inner monologue


if only it paid
to feel so at
home
in the crook of your
elbow
'cause all I got left are
pennies
yet I'm still not very
worried
& its a mystery to
me




the grey cloud days
will always come
& go
but when I rise back to
the surface
I rise with a wiser
glow

something startled the
fault line yesterday
a misalignment in the stars
she tried to find the volume in
your expression
but you are far too quiet
& its horrifying
tingling underneath her fingernails
intuition like haunting
& she still can't figure out
where you are

speak

speak here


I drift like the
tide
constantly
in and out of
awareness
out of life
out of mobility

you rise up over
the shore
a sunlit statue
at your charismatic helm

or so I thought
but you sailed right past


your face was so empty
I could not reach
you


& you never looked
never saw me watching you





its as if you already knew
you were on a
sinking ship

she took the next
train
& forgot to check the
destination

she skipped her
last meal
& left her deathbed
at the station


she jumped from the
middle car
after a few drinks
& a stranger's
dare


now she'll forever roam
the woods with dirt
& flowers in
her hair

a warm summer night
breathed a tangled youth
along her skin
& an old familiar ache
that could never be
eviscerated

a few acoustic lines
cleverly crafted as they sat
side by side
on the old store shelves
the silence in between
chords
amplified the desire
& all that to this day has been left
unsaid

he stopped playing
a sudden thought swept him over
she becomes tense
the wait begins
what can he say that I will
forever replay in my
troubled mind?

he leans in
a deep breath

"you smell lovely."




a frequently uttered phrase
that should have no meaning
but she'll carry it with her
until she's withered
& wasted
along with all those messy
perfume bottles


play it again
please

just gonna have me

a

good old fashioned





heart attack

he had a mad
sort of obsession
with colliding
two pieces of music
that had very little in
common
other than noise

the dissonance was often
unreal
shrill and menacing
clashed and unfocused
like four thousand conversations
all taking place in a
shoebox
that was nailed shut by his
merciless hands

"I can't think with all this
*******
sound,"
she shrieked from the
couch one day

"Precisely, darling.
I have always measured it
that way."

paper and pen
haven't been very acquainted
in this home
of all the things
I'm trying to remember
& starving to
forget

I whisper all my unused
& ****** words
into the depths of my
bones
where they'll swim to
the surface
just as the harvest
begins
& the sun sings on my
bare skin
with the melody playing
in lightning clouds
& midnight skies

you're holding my patience
for ransom
& you don't even know it
you are one
carefully crafted glance
away from
mental incineration
if the mild winter lasts
much longer

we might break away with some of our teeth left

just go and
snort some of those
bright white lines
off your iPhone
****** *****
& leave me to my own devices.

I broke the ******
laptop after
all.

every so often I must
disconnect
from nearly all communication
when I find that I am not only
unhappy with myself
but also filled to the brim with
resentment
of the happiness I see in
the ones I love
sometimes
no news
can be the best news


did you know in some
studies
solitary confinement
was found to ease the worst
cases of depression?


I'm just kidding
I made that up
I don't really know


but I'd rather be alone
than read another
word
of your perfect
picket fence
life

they lived on the corner of
Honest
& Shameful


their days were spent
gathering pennies
for food


& then at night she
would
have herself a bottle
then sink into his
left pocket
lips patiently resting
upon his
collarbone


he never asked her
what for
& she never asked him
what for
so they lived happily
ever after
even if she lost temper
one day
or he left his things in the
wrong **** place
again


they lived
& they lived
but this was a dream
invented in a few
minutes


reality


the many
words she won't
ever say
about skin on skin





& how you never leave
her heart
as soon as you
waltz in

calmly stationed on
a pale blue sheet
I had laid out on the lawn
he paws
& tears at the grass
with his chubby fingers, though
they're thinning out into
crafty toddler hands
& he won't leave the blanket

at fourteen months, I'm beginning to
consider that he may already be
playing make-believe
our bedspread is our boat
& the wild unkempt grass is
the raging sea

I don't mind it
my allergies are going to
skyrocket when they finally mow it
I'd rather bask in its
lush glory
freshly grown in from
a very mild winter
thick with scent and color
Davy is growing accustomed to
it as well
heels digging into the soft soil
throwing tiny flowers every which way
& laughing


that boy's gonna need a bath

the cover of my journal is
*****, worn with the flavor of
mandarin oranges
I have only owned it since
Christmas

I am never careful with my
personal belongings

broke the right earpiece
clean off my headphones
my left side drowns in the
silly detailed grungy
love songs
my right side listens for
the babe

broke my laptop last week
the corner hit the floor
if I keep it completely still
on the dining table
it won't shut off at
random

broke a small piece off my
food stamp card
it still works most of the time
& I'm too lazy to call them for a
new one

broke my heart trillions of times
broke eight different men
bound to break another

walked this earth for almost
twenty-two years
& I **** well managed to
break everything
but my bones

a fool of a man
threatens me with his own life
demanding I yield

I am perched upon a
ledge of absolute
indifference
& very little alcohol
money's tight and I haven't
put up much of a
fight
to melt these mindless
thoughts down
into words

when will it come?
how will it come?
will it even come at all?

I want to make it come
to ride atop the
embodiment of creativity
crashing & moaning
sighing & stopping


but my body only
rests with the
sky
& he's a far better
lover
than poetry could ever
dream to
be

his eyes spark a
life -- hell,
they ignite courage
that I never thought would
come

from me




so let it come

Her hands feel
Dry
& she's trying to
Find
Her place
Amongst the antithesis of
Her blankets
& his warm
Embrace
Thunder crashing as
His lips
Meet hers
While they lie in the
Midst of the
Literal and quite metaphoric
Storm
She loves in her
Own ways
With subtle smiles
& awkward silence
He asks her if she's falling
& with a laugh
She replies
"Not quite."

if you stay in the
shallows
you can see her
beating heart
a siren
emerging from
imaginary depths

dirt on
your skin
she creeps right in
a weightless delicacy
midnight hair
starry-eyed goddess

breath on your neck like
a soft prayer

the smell of lilies



screaming in the distance



"all you dream of"




"at the bottom of the sea"


her hand on your chest
the way she sang so sweetly
into your shirt



you dive in a little deeper
& sleep with her
once more

all ******* in a
gaze of satin
my god, does he know
what's happened?
& the tide is
rushing in

am I the sea or
the one who
waits beside it?

hell and heaven both
know that I'd
rather be a siren
dancing with graves
& secondhand glances
as I sing him toward
my waves


perhaps I was not meant
to save


so to hell with the sea
it's his fire that
I crave

interest piqued
breath fully swept
& a longing look to seal
the damages.
I took a long, hard drink
& watched the city swell and subside
I left everyone in my old world tonight

everyone except you

I filled myself with Samuel Adams
& the flavor of my newly altered daydreams
sailing the seven seas
with *** and songs and love
no longer ****** about the sand in my shoes

I'm too mad here, too bitter
I have to taste the summer air out where
your eyes shine the brightest
when no one is watching you but me
come sink under my covers
sink under my skin
where your words stop
is where my lips begin
breathe deep against your neck
& breathe in
I swear I could live forever
on your fingertips
all we have is only above the
surface of our flesh
& we are old and tired at our
tender ages


rest a while
for once



I'll wake you when its time
to run
for our lives

look
oh, look
what have we here?
a scene of
Fate's young rival

with twists and turns
& pirouettes
she's kept up with
survival

she danced on coals
of hit and miss
with feet bare as
temptation

to land upon the
other side
with no room for
revelation

I put my hair up today
some things just have to change
whether I want them to or not

he blamed me for the belt again
shouting 'cause he lost it two days ago
& the only fault for its disappearance must be my own
the crazy thing is
I almost believe him
the feeling of guilt rising through my throat
an almost apology
but I choked and celebrated silently
when he finally left

just kidding
I closed the door
shouted "good ******* riddance"
made a cup of coffee
& put my hair up





some things just have to change
but I fear it

the air is like
heaven
today

if it weren't for the
deadly wind

but everything feels so
nice
almost like spring

I can stand in the
kitchen
& smile as I sip my
coffee

but even in these
instances
my heart still sinks
with invisible
misery
for no good reason

turn up the music
keep picking up the house
keep drinking coffee
keep smiling
rinse
repeat

please don't be afraid today

I don't talk
you don't talk
we don't talk
they don't talk
he
she
it
doesn't talk


too much space to fill into
the gaps this evening
& I've too little
concern
for it
but I'm lying


I want your words
plastered on my front door
smeared in the blood from your hand
when you smashed the bottle
on the lock
to see if it would break


give me your word


you are too far
too unknown
& I can't reach past these
city limits

I'm too sober to make
any sense right
now


& you're not talking
nobody's talking




I thought I was the quiet one

tomorrow
it will have been ten years since
my late aunt's mental instability proved
to be the nail in her own coffin
her four youngest children were all taken away
in a police car
right before my very eyes
& right on John-John's birthday
we were all going out for ice cream
when the sheriff pulled up
I wonder if he still remembers it
the look of horror on my mother's face
we'd been caring for them for some time
my oldest cousin got to stay behind
he was old enough to fend for himself
but the two boys and the baby twin girls were gone like that


I didn't see them for five years
the heavens graced our family and kept them all together
through the help of a wonderful family nearby
one day they all drove down when I was 17
it was one of the happiest moments of my life
to see that those boys who were like my little brothers
were suddenly towering over me


though tomorrow I know will be rough
it feels rough today
& I can see that the boys feel it too
I often wonder what that **** woman was thinking
if it was just too much for her
if she couldn't deal
her body was found in the morning
the day before I graduated college
she was always taking pills
she always hated my guts
always screamed at me
she instilled within me the fear of life
but now she's gone
leaving behind broken children
loved, but damaged

my darling sun shines in the east
though you can't see it rising
within you dwells an ignorant beast
past all foretold advising

for you, a prince, with diamond tears
could cast gray skies away
though vibrant as your meddling fears
your smile is absent today

what for, my zealous heart
so present in the spring?
& in your thoughts the seasons part
to change their melodic ring

lady luck has cast her dice
across the horizon of gold
set your pace to further suffice
this contemplative hold

what fate might have in store for you
could harbor more than woe
to repose on words you thought to be true
so rest, my dear...lie low