I wish I could fall open
Like the petals of a rose
And rise up and gush
like a finger pricked
like crimson blood,
You told me with your patience
That I was pretty and we would
Never hate them.
I lied when I told you
I was angry.
I am terrified to be so filled with sorrow
To be drowning day in and out
To fill tomorrow with remembering
With forgetting,
Without mentioning that I love you
And you are gone
And all that’s left are butterflies
And a bunch of songs with fresh meaning
A million tears and
a sense of defeat, raining
Like a giant typhoon
Of not knowing what the **** to do
Without you.

i look at that girl and i wonder what she is thinking.

i wonder if she is happy,
or if she ever will be happy,
or if happiness is even a plausible thing anymore.

she doesn’t seem unhappy,
but even appearances can’t be trusted these days.

i search for clues in her darting eyes,
and her fidgeting hands,
and her eyebrows;
furrowing and unfurrowing incessantly
as if she can’t make up her own mind herself.

looking at that girl,
i can not even seem to realize that she is me.

when you say you like someone else
I retaliate with silence and made up faces
of calm and i-could-care-less

"haha that's so funny"
smile
you're not thinking about this
you are not thinking about her
you are looking at his eyes
(stupid eyes that look at another's)
smile
don't grit your teeth
smile
oh he's holding your hand
did he hold her's like this too?

smile

get rid of that sarcastic face
he is looking at you
and he is holding your hand

smile.

So many times, I knew you'd be in my life;
my first car, out of school, a new job and a wife.

My first job just started today.
I know its not much, but its paving the way.

Just branching out, to make it on my own.
I wish you could see me in my brand new home.

But you're not here, its just me and my beer, and I **** sure wont be sober.
Cause try as I might, I remember the night, They told me "visiting hours are over".

Its hard to explain after all these years, how it seem so easy that I break down in tears.

I always thought that You'd be here with me; it never occurred that You just wouldn't be.

As I stand by your graveside, a train whistle blows. The wind picks up and the sky is a glow.

So many things I was longing to say.
I hope you are right, that well meet again someday.

If only my mind weren't so critical of every move my heart makes,
If only my trusting heart knew any better,
If only this mind of mine would stop thinking so hypothetically,
If only my heart could find its way to reciprocity,
If only my mind could teach my heart that love is not just something you feel...
It's something you do, something you show, something you prove.
Maybe then my heart will be able to obey my mind's wishes,
Maybe then my heart will know what is deemed acceptable in love,
Maybe then my heart could avoid all of the pain, hurt and damage that it was willing to endure for you...

You are in every flower.

Dear R,
I hope you are doing well. I hope you are safe and happy and find all of the best things in life (i'd name them, but I haven't yet found them myself). I hope german life is treating you better than ever. I hope you make a million more friends there, though i don't really need to hope for, as you're sure to do it anyway. I hope you don't get too cold in winter. Make sure you have thick warm socks and sturdy boots. Sometimes it's best to walk on untrampled snow as it's less icy. I hope when you return here, or to Aus, you have a safe flight and get plenty of sleep. And that you don't get very jet lagged once you're home. I hope you read this. I hope you have a long happy and healthy life and you never want to die. I hope you wake up every morning smiling and go to sleep contented every night. I hope you feel full and content with everything you have in your life, and everything that is yet to come. I hope you stop feeling anxious. I hope you begin to understand how loved you are, by every person that has come in contact with your soul. I hope you realise how special you are, how unique, how kind and how loving. I hope you see how much you have to offer the world, and how happy you are able to make others. I hope every venture you undertake in life is successful. I hope i can visit your bakery one day. I hope you meet the most lovely girl, just like you, with an open heart and mind. I hope you fall deeply in love and reach a new level of happiness. I hope you spend many happy years together, perhaps marry, raise children and love them more than yourselves. I hope she is stable and has a good mind. I hope she is able to let herself be happy. I hope she doesn't doubt herself, hate anything or ever want to die. I hope you two never cry again. I hope she understands herself and her desires and her emotions. I hope she has feelings that never waver and are rational and make sense. I hope she is beautiful. I hope she never does anything to hurt or upset you, nothing silly or rash or unthoughtful. I hope she can plan a future with you that you both believe in, and that comes true. I hope she loves you unconditionally. I hope she holds your hand in public, and likes to play with your hair and that she's really good at video games. I hope you are happy. I hope she never lets you down.      All my love.