Fun fact 1:
Depression is genetically linked.
Fun fact 2:
Schizophrenia is genetically linked.
Guess what litters my family tree?
I've already written countless times on
my ongoing battle with depression,
and all the casualties that war has brought,
whether it be 2-3 hours of sleep a night
if I'm lucky,
or complete lack of interest in everything.
But to consider the potential for schizophrenia
to only add to the list of things I constantly worry about,
delusions, hallucinations, general apathy, etc
are things that I've experienced, only to attribute to depression.
Sometimes the only thing that keeps me sane is the ability
to write out all my crap on here and at least pretend someone else reads.
I can't internally self-reflect, simply because I cannot trust my mind.
All that being said,
I doubt I can quantify how much this site helps, even if I rarely write
"poems".
More often than not, its just a free-style blog.
I say that I believe that knowing how much this site actually helps,
because even in the time I've written on here,
I've attempted suicide on multiple occasions, currently 0-3.
I don't care how many times the lightning bolt glows yellow,
or how many people repost, comment, or add any of my writings.
But that could just be the apathy creeping in,
slowly suffocating any potential joy,
all the while, posting at times where people aren't as active.
Just like in real life, where I alter my schedule,
as to not see anyone, or at least,
as few people as possible,
that is, before attempt number four rolls around.
Until then,
it looks like I'll be busy trying to distinguish what is real
and what is all in my head.