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 Jan 2015 JSK
Lane
Incomplete
 Jan 2015 JSK
Lane
I cannot say how many suicidal soliloquies or
diatribes of dialogue I have veraciously verbalized
towards the stark stare looking back at me
from my own reflection.
The cold calculating eyes piercing, penetrating
a completely cumbersome set of armor
deliberately designed, ironically, to protect
those forlorn, forgotten windows to the soul.
Windows, once reliably radiating with life and love,
only now to be desolate, dark.
Alone.
Abandoned.
 Nov 2014 JSK
Lane
I can vs I can't
 Nov 2014 JSK
Lane
I can solve a rubik's cube.
I can't unravel the puzzle in my head.

I can checkmate someone in four moves.
I can't protect myself.

I can master any Dungeon, with my trusty d20.
I can't hide from reality.

I can compute complex mathematical functions.
I can't answer why.

I can type 80 words a minute.
I can't get three out of my head.
I can read 300.
I can't stop thinking "I'm not worthwhile."

I can repair an Xbox 360.
I can't be fixed.

I can run a mile in under six minutes.
I can't get away from my own mind.

I can recite lyrics from hundreds of songs, without the accompaniment.
I can't escape.

I can diffuse a difficult situation via mediation.
I can't stop the onslaught from between my ears.

I can greatly influence others with sound logic, rhetoric, reasoning.
I can't bury my internal conflict.

I can dunk a basketball.
I can't slam my troubles away.

I can qualify for Honors programs.
I can't keep up with the burden.

I can get recruited to play Division II college sports.
I can't emotionally handle the lifestyle change.

I can bowl a 230.
I can't clean every proverbial frame.

I can "wow" people with my athleticism, skills, abilities.
I can't accept what I do as ever being "good enough".

I can outwork my opponent.
I can't go back to where I'm from, I have to get out.

I can feign happiness, joy.
I can't bring myself to feel the real deal, no matter how much I want to.

I can function.
I can't survive...not like this.

I can take away other's pain.
I can't stop my own.
 Nov 2014 JSK
Lane
Free-style Blog
 Nov 2014 JSK
Lane
Fun fact 1:
Depression is genetically linked.
Fun fact 2:
Schizophrenia is genetically linked.
Guess what litters my family tree?
I've already written countless times on
my ongoing battle with depression,
and all the casualties that war has brought,
whether it be 2-3 hours of sleep a night
if I'm lucky,
or complete lack of interest in everything.
But to consider the potential for schizophrenia
to only add to the list of things I constantly worry about,
delusions, hallucinations, general apathy, etc
are things that I've experienced, only to attribute to depression.
Sometimes the only thing that keeps me sane is the ability
to write out all my crap on here and at least pretend someone else reads.
I can't internally self-reflect, simply because I cannot trust my mind.
All that being said,
I doubt I can quantify how much this site helps, even if I rarely write
"poems".
More often than not, its just a free-style blog.
I say that I believe that knowing how much this site actually helps,
because even in the time I've written on here,
I've attempted suicide on multiple occasions, currently 0-3.
I don't care how many times the lightning bolt glows yellow,
or how many people repost, comment, or add any of my writings.
But that could just be the apathy creeping in,
slowly suffocating any potential joy,
all the while, posting at times where people aren't as active.
Just like in real life, where I alter my schedule,
as to not see anyone, or at least,
as few people as possible,
that is, before attempt number four rolls around.
Until then,
it looks like I'll be busy trying to distinguish what is real
and what is all in my head.
 Oct 2014 JSK
Turquoise Mist
Leaf
 Oct 2014 JSK
Turquoise Mist
Turning
Dark brown
I let go
The sweetest release
Slowly I fall
Twisting my way
Upon the wings of the wind
I soar
Gently
I rest against the ground
Which grows
Colder
Harder
With every second
I lay
Silent
Curled up
Crunchy
Dead
A foot comes
Large and wide and horrifying
It steps
With power and purpose
Directly on top of me
Squishing me
Breaking me into
Tiny fragments
Puzzle pieces
That could possibly connect to form
What I once was
Lucky for me
My stringy veins
Hold me together
I lay sprawled
Flattened
Exhausted
Like a connect a dots completed by a toddler
I don't resemble myself
But I can see my parts
An unlikely display of
Strength
I had long thought disappeared
The wind pushes me around
I tumble
Forward
Back
The air cools
Rain soaks my surface
Snow pummels my body
Soon, I am trapped beneath its flakes
All I see is
White
A blank wall of
Nothing
I can feel my body
Disinigrate
But all of the sudden
A warm sensation comes over me
It is so strange
I see slivers of green from beneath my white blanket
Eventually I see blue
Puffy white clouds
Brilliant flowers
I am soggy
But somehow
Still
One

The whole time
The evergreen stands near
 Oct 2014 JSK
Andy KittySmasher
Because of you
I’m not lost
Because of you
I have hope
Because of you
I’m not afraid to look in mirror
Because of you
I’m not afraid to hurt
Because of you
The scars on my legs don’t scare me anymore
Because of you
I don’t make scars on my legs
Because of you
I can feel my future
Because of you
I don’t feel sick
Because of you
I don’t eat too much
Because of you
I don’t have holes in my heart
Because of you
I want to have a family
Because of you
I realized that love is real
And it doesn’t always have to feel one sided
Because of you
I don’t cry myself to sleep
Because of you
I don’t feel alone
Because of you
I believe in God
…again
Because of you
I don’t feel like He hates me
Because of you
And your family
I know what family feels like
Because of you
I don’t fight stupid battles in my head
Instead, I let them out knowing I win
Because of you
I’m free
From the bricks that once kept me from moving
Because of you
I can dream
Because of you
I can love myself
Because of you
I don’t want to die

If it weren’t for you
I might not be here
If it weren’t for you
I’d probably have given up
If it weren’t for you
I know I would have given up
So,
Thank you.
Emily
 Sep 2014 JSK
AJ
1.) Out of the one thousand and ninety-nine days that you were mine, I only regret three of them. The day Brian ***** me on that pool table, the day your dad moved back to Italy and I didn't come over, and the day you put yourself into this hellish suicide coma.
2.) If truth or dare turned two little girls into temporary lesbians, than so be it. Honestly, nothing ever tasted sweeter than you on that night on the bathroom counter at Tim's.
3.) I will grow up to be incredibly cultured all because of you. I learned to look outside the social norm after our late night dates on the roof. Getting high in your lap as you read me poetry, and played me Damien Rice's The Professor & La Fille Danse on repeat was more than enough.
4.) I always thought you were tradition and I was your French Revolution. But now I'm seeing that I was the revolution, and you were the revelation.
5.) You could not sing a single god ****** note. But the only thing I want to hear is your squeaky voice serenading me with our song right now. I promise I won't be annoyed, just finish chorus with me one more  ******* time.
6.) I would have helped you get to your father. I would have helped you. I would have set your mother on fire to avoid this.
7.) I threw up when I got sams phone call about what you had done. And then I screamed at him for an hour.
8.) I won't ask how could you do this to me, because right now I want to do it to you.
9.) Thank you for punching Brian, and I'm sorry you got fired, and I'm sorry your dad left, and I'm sorry your mom hit you, and I'm sorry that I could not kidnap you and bring you to our own private island in the middle of no wear.
10.) You showed me what star you'd become when you died, and told me that if I wished on it you would do your best. I know absolutely nothing about astrology and constellations. But your star is the one thing I find faster than the moon in every night sky.
11.) The last sip of every bottle of ***** I will ever have, will always taste like the last kiss we shared.
I don't know.
I just found out that you died on Sunday.
You took the right combination
Of pills this time.
And that feels wrong,
Because your favorite day was Tuesday.
And your mother didn't even allow
An Obituary in the paper.
And sam and I will never forgive ourselves,
For destroying all you photos.
I have none left to remember you by.

But I found your star in the sky tonight.
 Sep 2014 JSK
Lane
Turn Down
 Sep 2014 JSK
Lane
As I turn down
glass after glass
solo cup after solo cup
frustration and anger
fill their eyes.

As I sit out
games of
flip it
and pong
tension rises.

Judgements impaired,
ideals forcefully pressed,
bottles broken,
vaguely reminiscent of
the past.

Where instead of bottles
it was bones.
Instead of tension,
it was animosity,
maybe even hatred.

Here I stand,
at the crossroad
of yesterday and the future.
I can't take a sip.
I can't be like him.

He who tore flesh from bone,
savagely kept going until
badly bruised, even unconscious.
Fortunately,
the physical pain fades.

If only every other nightmare,
ruined memory,
psychological damage,
would too.
I haven't been as fortunate with that.
A play on words for the title, hinting at the "turn down for what" slogan that seems to be every party's mantra. Just a look at why I decidedly "turn down."
 Sep 2014 JSK
AJ
Koniec
 Sep 2014 JSK
AJ
I don't think you know
What it's like to hold a million broken pieces
Of the brightest star of the universe
In your arms at eight in the morning
On the streets of New York City
Outside a woman's clinic.

She needed everything
And he just gave her
Four hundred ninety-eight dollars
And Sixteen sense.
That didn't absolve him from any responsibility.
A combo of a real life experience and The Front Bottoms' song Lone Star.
 Sep 2014 JSK
Turquoise Mist
Sand
 Sep 2014 JSK
Turquoise Mist
You can't hold her
When you grip tight
She will
Slip
Like sand
Falling through the tiny cracks
In between each finger
You can try
But every time
Your hand will end up
Empty
White knuckles
Snatching up
The air
Nothing else
For she
Alone
Holds herself together
Pieces of string
Globs of glue
Strips of duct tape
Hastily slapped on
Her two hands
Alone
Pull and
Cover and
Push away

There is no room
For
You
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