I just experienced my very first,
Hospital hallway wall, sliding down
To the typical Hollywood sad and confused,
Teary eyed, half sitting, half standing position, moment.

I started to cry.
But then I told myself I could not cry.
I had to be strong.
And so I did everything in my ability to not
Think about what was going on in that hospital room.

But my mind acted in defiance
And did the exact opposite of what I requested.
I tried to stop my thinking
But my desire just acted as fuel
For the burning fire in my head.

While attempting to empty myself of thoughts,
I became filled.
The questions started flowing.
Once the flowing began, I was consumed
With an endless and raging sea of questionified emotion.

A simple yet convoluted question came first.
Why? Why is this happening?
More complex questions followed.
How will I go on if she dies?
Will life consist of me forcefully
Placing one foot in front of the other
And hopelessly trying to find a reason to continue?
Has the God we’ve always strived to follow abandoned us?
Is there a God at all?

It was as if my mind stuck his thumb out
And went for a ride all across the world.
I thought about the most random things
Though I viewed them through a grey-scaled lens.

Why is the sky blue?
Instead of seeing the beauty of blue,
The sky is blue because of sadness.
The sky is blue because I am blue.
And the clouds cry a storm because they’re broken.
And when the waves crash
It’s because they were a little bit too tipsy that night
And now their children are mourning.
Who thinks about these kinds of things?
I am going crazy.

And once again I cry.
I bawl.
The tears roll down my cheeks.
First it was just one slow drip
That got caught in my eyelash.
But of course it continued
Until there was a river of tears rushing down my face.

***** being masculine.
I’m going to cry.
Because crying is the only thing
I can do in this situation.
Ha! Crying just makes me want to cry.

Why?

"Good morning Mattie! How'd you sleep?"
"Oh, I slept wonderfully!
I fell asleep quickly and didn't work until morning."
"Any cool dreams?"
"Oh no, you know I don't remember my dreams."

I laid on my back for an eternity,
While my mind bled uncontrollably,
Painful thoughts flowing.
They won't leave me.
LEAVE ME BE!
It takes hours for me to fall asleep
And when I finally do,
I wake every half hour because...
Well I don't know why.
Maybe because my brain is too lonely.
I guess he needs someone to keep him company.
So he wakes me, begging to help him think.

Of course I have dreams!
I just lie so you won't ask.
My own dreams sicken me.
It's the only time I lose control.
I am a monster in my sleep.

"How are you?"
"I'm great!
How are you?"

I almost killed myself today!
Why can't I go back to first grade,
Where the hardest choices were choosing
Which game I should play,
Or how to convince my mom to let me
Wear my favorite jeans,
Instead of those silly looking corduroy?
Does my Darth Vader action figure win today,
Or is he defeated by my batman toy?
Do I climb the tree from this branch,
Or that side?
Oh none of that matters anyway.
Because if I don't find the answer,
I'll just be the incredible Hulk
On my trampoline and dodge
The sprinkler's water bullets.

I guess the hard things in life change.
My decisions were a little different today.
Do I slit my throat and watch it bleed,
Or pop the pills to set myself free?
Or maybe I shouldn't end today,
I could just use the razor blade,
And wear my heart on my sleeve.
Or no, my scars on my sleeves.
Or no.. My heart on my wrists?
I DON'T KNOW!

So maybe I'm not so great.
I don't know if I'm depressed.
I think I'm just lost.
I'm happy when I'm with people.
But when I'm alone,
I think a little too much.
I get sad often.
Okay so maybe I am a little depressed,
Maybe a tiny little bit.
I'd just hate to admit it.

When I was little,
I would get annoyed with emo kids.
I was convinced depression was fake.
It was a mind game.
"If you want to be happy,
Just be happy."
I'd say.
"Depression happens because
You want to be sad"
Well I sure don't want to be sad!
Or maybe I do.
It gives me something to write about.
No, I definitely don't want to be depressed!

When I lay in my bed,
I ponder for hours how many times
I lied today.
I didn't lie.
Why would I?
Well maybe I lied once or twice.
But that's just because I didn't want them to know,
It was a bad day.
But then I can't help but wonder
If something else I said was a lie.
What is the truth?
I get so confused.

Maybe it's because I've had my fair share of memory loss,
Or maybe I've lied so much that I've forgotten the truth.

I really don't think it's the second option,
But I can't help but wonder.

I wish we didn't lie so much.
I wish we could tell the truth,
Even when it hurt.
I dream of a world where our pains,
Are not contained within.
But one that we could walk without chains,
Free of our masks.
Why must we lie?

Fat
A word created by the devil to make others feel ugly
Ugly
A word created by the devil to lower self esteem

Our society lets the devil rule it by creating anorexic models
Wearing caked on make up
Telling little girls they need to look like Barbie
That make up will solve all your problems
The biggest lie the devil ever told was convincing girls they look better with make up on

Society tells girls there ugly unless they have the perfect waist
The biggest *****
The best butts
Why so magazines will sell
Why because men only want anorexic fake barbies for wives

Well it's just a bunch of lies by the devil
Believed by the little girls who want barbies
Believed by the girl that u call fat and ugly
The girl u make fun of for her pimples

So they turn to the devil and listen to him and starve themselves for guys who will never care
Cake their face with make up so u will call them pretty one day

But it's all just a bunch of lies
God makes no mistakes
Your beautiful just the way you are