i left the other day.
i packed my bags and moved out.
and that is when I realized
that home isn’t a place.
it’s you.
it’s our walks through the park
and our talks through the night.
it’s getting in trouble together
and getting out of trouble together.
home is us. home is our friendship.
I have no idea how to be at home when you’re not here.

i used to always be too much.
i talk too much. i laugh too much.
but somehow i was also always too little-
i wasn’t trying hard enough.
however, truly i was never the problem at all.
i gave everything i could.
i changed for you.
and i am so happy to finally say-
the real me isn’t dead.
without you around i have started to see me.
i goof around with reckless abandon and
i hype myself up.
i am cocky instead of self conscious- who knew cockiness would ever be a positive?
i am so incredibly happy. and im proud.
i am so proud of me- because i’m me and i’m not you.

Isolation.
A dark place.
A cramped up room.
Empty pieces of sanity lying all over.
The walls, pale and thick.
The ache, heartless and as heavy as a brick.
Lying awake, eyes wide open, electrocuted in agony.
Senseless are my nerves, numb is my disposition.
Cold, my body shivers.
My pain concealed.
Left bruised.

Trust no one.
She said, voice grasp and low.

Elongated, fragmented, withered up in a lifeless skeleton.
Bones, shattered, cracked and hardly repairable.

In the darkness I call your name, I see no one, not a sound heard.
Headphones on, diluting and blocking all the extra background noise.
I wish...
But no one answers

Silence
Sweating but freezing, hot but cold.
Ice on fire.
My nightmares, to unfold.

How do I tell my brain to stop?
I get in these moods when I should be happy.
So much is good right now,
but that one comment keeps sticking.
My dumb brain won’t stop fixating.

Sometimes I do small things,
small enough people don’t notice.
I pinch my wrist,
I pull my hair.
I let piercings close-
only to pierce them again.
I seek out so much pain-
so much hurt-
because it helps me feel again.

Lately I’ve been having trouble breathing.
Everything around me closes in;
it swells up leaving no room.
It gets so tight that no air
could possibly squeeze through.
And then I pass out.
Only it doesn’t stop.
I keep waking,
endlessly struggling for air-
only to pass out in a panic.

I’m surrounded and alone.
These figures try to communicate,
but they never try to come closer.
I can’t understand a word they say.
I see their mouths move,
but that’s all that happens.
Their mouths move,
and they remain stagnant.
I try to communicate with hands,
I try to communicate with action ,
but they turn around and refuse to watch.

How can they hope to communicate
if they won’t meet me halfway?

I miss those moments,
but I would not change our ending.