You can never understand, how much courage it takes for one to end their life;
The thought of putting everything to an end and not wanting to exist anymore.
And yet, some people say it's selfish of them to do and act that way.

What's saddening is the fact that one could feel so much pain in themselves,
That they see death as the only way out;
The fact that one would rather die than to be who they are.

Some people are able to try, and perhaps, see some light in their life
But for someone who attempted suicide, seeing it as the only way out,
It's as though their world is completely dark and they've lost all hope to live anymore.

Attempting suicide is the act of wanting to die.
And dying is the end of existence, an end, the point of no return.

What makes you think you have the right to criticize their act, and
What makes you think you are so sure that there is another way out,
When you aren't even sure who you are and how do you feel?

R

You took your vow
Made me yours
To have and to hold
Through sickness and health
...til death do us part...

'I didn't know what I was signing up for! I didnt know I was marrying a drug addict!!'

The vows were lies
So I wasn't the perfect wife, mother
Sorry was all I really was
Life with me was your own personal hell
And many times did you retreat to easier territory

Toss me out like yesterdays garbage

Then you brought me back in
I promised to be better
But the devil inside  always got me
I was scared to death to lose you
But the flames of hell begged me to burn

Because, you see, theres a few more things you didn't sign up for
Someone who pushes people away because they are scared to death of betrayal
(Which you showed me many times was a very real thing)
A human being who feels unworthy of any form of happiness or joy
A self-manipulator
One who sometimes questions if they enjoy the pain
Often the answer is yes, and then the earth opens and screams
And the demons do a little dance as they escape
Heading for my life

It was simple at first
I did it on a dare

There's a certain easiness
to difficult dares
when senses are dulled
by alcohol and fame

show me how
that color tastes

It was like
biting into the sun
it burned my tongue
and nothing else
would ever taste the same
or be the same
it calmed the storm
of daddy leaving
it was as if my
new found Catholicism
was a purgatory from where
I could see the bright white
pearly gates of heaven
and feel the chill
of their snow clad bars

colder than
the coldest winter chill

one night in a dream
my father told me
to meet him at the gates
and from that point
I went every night
but he never came
instead he died
and when he died
my dreams died
with him.

bury me softly
in this tomb

I continued to go there
night after night
I desperately wanted
to believe the gates
would lead to heaven
because in hell there's heat
and this place was cold
so cold with no sound
and no light only darkness

I would sit in the cold
for hours, losing all sense
of time, obligations
responsibilities, shivering
and sweating at the foot of
the gates, obsessed with the
furry luster of frozen pearls
the sound of silence and
the subtle shifting of
the weather

holding rare
flowers in bloom

a week, a month
a year would pass
the snow began to slip
in clumps and tumble
to the ground again
and again and again
and then
all hell broke loose
the heat was hot
the gates were gone
and I began to run
but

every path
led me to nowhere

the blue cold went red hot
and then turned black
I tried to leave that place
13 times I left and
13 times returned
there was nowhere else to go
no place to call home
I burned within my sick head

I wanted to peel
the skin from my face

so hot
I was bleeding for you
soaked in sweat
my calloused heart
would not ask for help

serenity
was far away

my hands were bruised
from breaking rocks all day
far from the chill
I couldn't remember
anymore anyway
so desperate
for a glimpse of snow
it all came down
to this

I could not live apart
from that place
and I could not live
within it

so tonight

I will marry the two
the here and the now with
the there and the then

mix the snow with the fire
mix the snow add the fire
mix   snow  with    fire
mix   snow  add    fire

snowfire
      
snowfire
      
snowfire

momma
I am burning
momma I am cold
mother please save me
don't leave me alone
I see you but
you've come too late
can you hold me anyway?
whisper in my ear
I'm so sorry mother
I haven't bathed in 2 weeks
momma come hold me please

I'm down in a hole mother
feeling so low mother

I'm so cold mother
come save me
take me home
mother
I am dying

mommy
I am dead
sit with me
in silence
sit with me
I am dead

mommy I'm scared

black is all I feel
so this must be how it feels
to be free

mother
I am dead

15
the age we start drinking and smoking the ****
the time where we forget about doing good deeds
when reality finally came into play
we learned that life's all night and day
as we watch the world fight about not getting their way
and when our first love leaves us although we begged them to stay
it's when we realized that mommy and daddy don't always know best
they aren't superhuman they're no better than the rest
and teachers became the enemy of us all
instead of the ones who help us up when we fall
rebelling and lying is just what we'll do
until we're old enough to make good decisions
maybe once we're 22
but until then we'll continue to sin
when we have ***,love,and drugs where do we even begin
that first lover who touches us, who makes us believe
in a love, a good life, the lover who deceived
us because soon we'll grow up not to trust
we'll forget about real love and grow to want lust
we'll age and forget about all that we've done
with two kids and a mini van where's all the fun?
the fighting between a partner and you
a divorce that's so likely between the two
your kids are now mommy's and daddy's like you
and slowly the days are getting to few


and *it's over.

Sometimes I tap my cigarette in time to the syllables of the numbers nine through twelve.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone knows what the hell I'm talking about.
So I walk around outside to try to understand my mind
just to get lost on a journey and leave it all behind.
If you could join me, I'd show you all of the lights.
The ones with deep meaning that make everything all right.
But it's times like these that I'd rather be by myself:
Nine, Ten, E-lev-en, Twelve.

As a kid I always lived inside of my head.
Backyard battles with demons were always so vivid.
One time I stuck a bunch of duck feathers into the back of my shirt.
I ran around the pool jumping -
just trying to leave Earth.

As I grew up, I maintained my thirst for adventure.
Fell in love with facing fears -
succumbed to a lust for danger.
Always trying to disprove my doubts.
Nine, Ten, E-lev-en, Twelve.

Fell into doing drugs and developed a taste.
Having fun with a new crowd.
Learned to deal with disgrace,
but sometimes I'd catch my reflection in a mirror
and couldn't recognize my own face.

But all the while coming closer to achieving my dreams.
Knowing one day I'd fly away on my wings.
Came to find out the true nature of the place that I dwell.
An angel can't fly when he's trapped down in hell.

Nine, Ten, E-lev-en, Twelve.