my love is poisoning me,
infecting me through another love
I did not ask for or want.
he is a snake, and we are both apples --
will he toss me for the other?

I tried to hide it but I had a soft spot,
brown, slightly fermenting.
a place where I could become weak once pressed,
and pushed to a place not my own,
a darker place where I was a different kind of apple.

he found that spot --
because I told him --
and he doesn't look at me the same way.
I want to speak to him,
remind him,
now you know all of me, every single part! more than my brothers and sisters do.
you should rejoice!
but he looks away with sad eyes.
he can't see me without seeing the spot;
he can't see the spot without wincing in pain,
wincing in fear.

he doesn't want me anymore.
he wants that shinier, wiser apple
all pure and golden
up on that high shelf.
with her he can grab the best,
pretend that all apples are perfect and gleaming.
lick her juicy flesh,
become one.

so, with my heart at my feet
I watch him slither away in the darkness
leaving me to rot alone
on my eternal shelf.
he winds his tail around her,
she blushes with a pure happiness I never could achieve.
could I be happy for them in some small way?
I really want to.
please?

there are lots of things i want to say to you, so i figure i better write them all down so i don't forget to tell you.

the things i care about most are openness, kindness, and honesty. you don't share those values. you prefer 'don't ask don't tell', lies over hurtful truths, sparing feelings over being real.

being real is the most important thing in this world. if you're not doing it, what are you doing to your existence? how can you justify your spot in this highly coveted realm of being? in having consciousness and choice?

you can do whatever you want, but i'm just not going to be involved with someone who is not being true. someone who is against giving his heart and his home to the world to share in.

and if you want to be real? let me give you the real deal. we are from two different worlds. i'll be petty now. i'm above you, i could expose you to so much more, things you've never even had the vision to dream about. but you'll want to play it safe, because that's who you are.

you can do better. don't wear your desperation on your sleeve. it's unattractive. women don't owe you anything.

you can write better. your lyrics can go deeper.

don't settle for what's easy, what's comfortable. although you're already doing that with your girl. don't be a settler, be a pioneer. i expect more from you.

maybe that's what this is. i'm disappointed in you more than anything. i thought better of you. you're a friend i just want to help achieve great things.

well, you can't have me anymore. but best of luck with everything else. although i live here and will be returning often, i don't know if i'll ever see you again. maybe we really are just from different worlds.

PS, thanks a lot for getting me sick, on top of the meatgrinder you put my heart through. showers do not **** viruses. you really have to be smarter.

you make me sick
I'm not supposed to feel queasy when I come see you
and I have to wonder who else was occupying your bed,
your head,
your heart today

you make me feel like a bad person
like I did something wrong
like you didn't also put your heart on the line for me

am I out here on my own?
are we substituting ***
for intimacy?
I'm 24
how can I not ******* tell by now?

good thing my heart is made of stone
and though I'll shed a tear
I'm a rock on the inside

it's how we've evolved to survive among the fittest
throwing away emotions when they get in the way
I'm not a beast, I'm a woman
and I can turn it on and off
I'll love you one minute
and not give a **** the next.

you don't deserve me.
and you'll never see me fall

"baby come dream with me
we'll break all your fantasies"

your insomnia is contagious
i drift in and out
and you find a new way to hold me each time
your head always on my chest,
listening to my heart beat
slow

everything is wet
but the morning comes and the sun
will dry our memories

i'm leaving and
you tell me my eyes are piercing
they're my biggest weakness.
i can never hide
and i fall in love every time
i look too long

you say we should be actors
and get paid for people to watch us
how did you know i was thinking
the exact same thing?

struggling to stay up on the
pull-up bar
you grab my legs and kiss me
everywhere

your beard feels good on my soft skin
you could do this every night, you say
every night...

.

two nights later you're with another girl
as i suspected
and i show up on your doorstep drunk
my eyes pleading for you

i just want to lie around with you
and feel your mouth all over me
and hear your groans and
see your smile
and drift in and out
with you

it is the greatest irony
that love can **** its devotee
that love can be toxic
and the purest bond
can corrode and turn to acid

when your love becomes irrational
and transcends all known structures
-- is that the dream?
or the nightmare

when you no longer care about yourself
when you let your heart bleed dry
and **** all life away from your fingers, toes, and brain

is that what love is?
that's deranged.
it's unhealthy
it's unlivable

if you see it,
shake the person
slap her repeatedly, hard
wake her up
scream at her
what the **** are you doing?
snap out of it.
this isn't fair to
anyone

breaking up is the death of a family member.

i don't know why it isn't treated more seriously, with automatic psychiatric enrollment.

you are suddenly without your other half. they left your life and it will never be the same. it used to be a shared experience but now you're left dangling off the cliff alone.

and it's all the more painful because this is something that was consciously decided. someone decided they could no longer live, like this, with the other.

and it's worse to be the dumper than
the dumpee--because it's your fault it's over. your decision. you have no one to blame but yourself.

i need to find something to fill that hole where you used to be

i love when it's so cold
outside
it hurts to breathe
i feel small and meaningless
like i don't belong
and i have to fight to
be where i am

i am positive
i've never in my life run to
see the sun rise
before
i am the antithesis of a morning person
in my bones i know i cannot fall asleep before midnight--
it's a waste
everything fun happens after midnight--
i'm only running now because
i ****** up my sleep schedule so badly
i've made a full circle
from normal to nocturnal and back again
i hope i can see it through

i've been letting myself fall asleep whenever i want
usually 7am-3pm
then for some reason i fall asleep watching cartoons
8pm-midnight
then up again
rinse, repeat

i have bruises on my thighs
from vitamin C deficiency
i've probably gone three shades paler
hiding from the sun for weeks
in my self-exile

i don't feel like i'm falling apart
going crazy
but all the signs are there
who is there to save me from myself?