Well it finally happened. I've become too depressed to write.

You were like the rays of sunlight that commit b and e on my house.
Unlike those pesky photons I didn't know what you wanted.
Perhaps you were like them. Perhaps you yourself had travelled almost 93 million miles and just need to rest yourself in the back of my mind.
An amber spark that reminds me to do the right thing.
Bending my will be ****** to the mystery that is her.
She's an unexpected contingency to a life void of contingencies.
I'm no longer who I was and I will never be again who I am now.
You had no right. Your actions were warrantless and your condemnation of my perpetual misery was reckless and without forethought.
Resigned, undefined, and out of line.
She. Her. Pacing. Back and forth back and forth.
Wearing a path in the floor of my thoughts.
Is there no drug, no place, no piece of a field for some peace of mind?

I never have to check my phone and so I watch the candleflame dance
Fingertips grow numb to the soulless rocks glass
My cigarette whispers secrets to a callous night
And I think my cat died
I’d check but I can’t take another hit tonight
Unless it’s off a pipe
She’ll still be dead in the morning
Silence hangs about like an ugly hotel painting that’s been inexplicably bolted to the wall
If I were to put a **** out on my chest to punish every thought I had of you
I’d spell out your name
A thousand times

Fireflies, candles, whispers, and ****.
Blah blah blah
And lickety spit.

You hate your job, I really don't care.
Hike up your skirt.
While I pull your hair.

It's all an illusion, don't be so picky.
Give it a few.
And we'll both be sticky.

The whiskey's gone a cigarette's out.
I'll go get more.
You don't have to pout.

Socrates, Kant, and Tesla as well.
Would stand in line.
To get a whiff of your smell.

We can go again later if you're still here.
I'll get you a towel.
There's some over there.

I'll make us breakfast while you stay in bed.
I'll make you an omelette.
But I want head.

I know it's all sordid and rather risqué.
But life is short.
We all go the way.

Own who you are obscenity and all.
Stand while you can.
For one day we fall.

There are so many things I want.
I want you to be warm.
I want you to be safe.
Happy.

Then again. It doesn't matter what I want.
It only matters what you want.

I like conversations in the rain.
Empathic words soaked in urgency.

I like fields of tall grass layered in fog.
Tired clouds on beds of green.

Tattered flags hopeless in salvation.
Beaten down by years of neglect.

Unwarranted smiles from strangers.
Moments of blissful silence unheralded.

Few are the things I can relate to.

So where were you when the light shone through and the curtains went up in flames?
I was down by the river sifting for hope while watching the wolves play games.
So where am I now and what is to be of what was and can I ask why the **** not?
These questions you ask in folds too many are you hinting you think it's a plot?

Question not my questions fool who's forsaken to the winds of fortune and luck.
I'll answer your questions you conceited *** if not for words of which I'm stuck.
Please take this pipe and riddle me this old man will not my spirit be spared.
No it will not, you'll take what is given and what you seek cannot be shared.

Then he hopped away this talking roo, with the blue velvet three shaded collar.
As I sat grounded somewhat dumbfounded I'm looking at all this squalor.
Could this be the reason for her act of treason to what I had hoped we shared.
Could I have been wrong, to sing her that song her ears I thought not to spare.

Tell me Santa who drinks my last Fanta and you know how much I like grape.
Yes I took shrooms, I've trashed many rooms, so my dreams have already escaped?
I need more of that whiskey, just so I don't miss me when I'm sure to misplace my mind.
I know you don't know me and I doubt you will find me when your time turns in kind.

You may taste the acid the surge and the rush as the smoke dances over your head.
It's a ****** up road and a darkly path where better men have wound up dead.
Heed not my warnings my rantings and such for you see I am just too far gone.
Take it from me the guy with one shoe who just woke up out on your lawn.

It's this or another poem based on self loathing
Another piece centered on sadness and brooding
I'll try to break off and walk towards the light
Something happier, with a little less plight

There once was a bunny, and **** no not that
No writing about bunnies, or my **** cat
There once was a girl, **** no not that either
From thinking of her I must take a breather

Ok I got it, hold still just a minute
I got a small thought, I just have to spin it
What if I write as if you're sitting here with me
We'll step in from the cold, to where it's less windy

First, thank you for staying, I know it's not easy
But go if you like, you don't have to please me
So, Schrödinger's cat, what're your thoughts on this
Or the **** of Nanking, there was something amiss

I'm sorry my friend, I'm simply not feeling it.
I've wasted your time, I'm sorry for stealing it
Perhaps one day when I'm out of my head
Drunk or high or already dead

We can sit and talk about life, love, and drinking
I'll sit and listen, without so much thinking
We'll have a few laughs about where we were when
Then I'll wake up, alone again

I feel like I've been bleeding for the past 45 years.
And you'd think by now I'd be smiling.
There were too many mistakes. Too many things said and unsaid.

Countless conversation soaked in whiskey and absorbed into the firelight.
Reflections and things you can trust the flames to never repeat.

I trekked beyond Insanityville to the other side of the tracks.
Alone.

I always just assumed someone would follow me.
I assumed a lot of things along the way.

Much like my life.
I don't know where I was going with this.

To write you what I'm thinking
would be nothing short of forced.
Words of wit and wisdom
adamantly coerced.

Albeit about the moon
or the stars to be admired.
Amber rays of sunlight
and those things so oft desired.

Hummingbirds aloft in flight
remind this knight of thee.
Alas my heart sinking
in the eyes of an emerald sea.

Or could it be what it is
a mutually assured destruction.
A simulation of our own design
our perceptions in construction.

So there it is I told you so
my wording lacks in flair.
When I all ever wanted
was for you to know I care.

You have any idea
What it’s like to be a nihilist
******* everyday
Knowing nothing still exist

The scenery turns grey
And no more light gets cast
Contemplating nothingness
Any **** could be your last

(sigh) please bear with me
Lack of hope has made me nauseous
You people are ******* crazy
So one must be a little cautious

Look it’s not personal
You’re just not over here
Perhaps if you met me in the middle
Then we could have a beer

Until then my wayward friend
You keep safe your hope and faith
Just keep it over there
Your overcompensating wraith

Look it’s just not easy
You’re all so happy and delusional
Just makes me kind of wonder
If your crazy is institutional

Don’t you see it doesn’t matter
What anyone believes
All that’s certain is uncertain
You’re not the only one who grieves

So step down from your podium
And hand me Schrödinger’s cat
You could say that cat’s the doctor
Which makes you my friend, a rat

Thank you for the invite to your table.
I have nothing to offer you.
Therefore I cannot sit down.
I am not of noble blood.
In fact there is very little about me that could be described as noble.

I ask that you tell me what ails you?
Do you need something fixed?
A problem resolved?
A dragon to be slain?
Let me bring you its still beating heart.

My character is appreciative but undeserving.
I am the atrocity by nature.
A scourge upon dreams.
A knight for all the wrong reasons.
Look closely, you'll see my teeth marks on the dragons heart.

"You remind me of my friend." I said.
"Who's your friend?" She says.
"The moon."

Amber soaked sunsets on warm summer nights.
Are just some of the things I can't enjoy without you.

A walk amongst a field of fireflies, is like a walk through the Milky Way.
Just so long as I can look through the darkness and find you.

If she only knew
She is a galaxy in my eyes
A wonder to behold
Beautiful in her mysteries

A symphony of light and chaos
The longing to dance along side her
It is an ache sorely kept
A pain most coveted

Resting on an event horizon
Time stands still
The past, the present, and the future
Discombobulated moments entrance

Words not heard or felt
Lost in a vacuous void
Between her heart and mine
Too much time, too much space

They'll arise, the people I knew.
Most will get a coffee.
Others may light up a cigarette.
They'll ponder the day ahead.
Their jobs, their kids, their lovers.
Grabbing their phones.
They'll check their messages.
Assuring themselves they have everything they need.
They'll begin their commutes.
Destinations known awaiting.
Acknowledging their coworkers.
They begin their work.
Perhaps lunch for some.
Thinking about their new favorite shows.
Eventually closing out their workdays.
They may make a stop or two on the way home.
Walking into their front doors with dinner on their minds.
Three or four of them may pour a drink.
Discussing their days events with their families.
Netflix will help them while away the evening and escort them into the night.
Others will make love, some will drag on butts while staring out into the night.
Eventually they'll all retire to their beds for the night.
Maybe one of them will think of me.
This being the day after I died.

It’s
It’s like being
An unfunny joke
An heirloom nobody wants
Watching them come and go
Only acknowledging it out of contempt
And
And you think
Well there’s gotta be
Someone, somewhere
That wants it, that would love it
But it’s too late now, someone dropped it
Now it’s just too broken

Mired in a trance
The cigarette bites my finger
I hold it under the faucet until it tells me it’s name and who sent it
My mind is saturated with the thought of thee, I bite my thumb at you!
Flinging open these ******* shutters, hoping for a flirt and flutter
So I can squeeze the life out of Nevermore
Cursed reminder from the Nights Plutonian shore
There’s no fire here but every time you come waltzing onto my train of thought, my whiskey bottle becomes a little lighter

The moon pulls back the shimmering blue sheets before the rising sun
A world awashed overnight
Made anew
What was here last night is gone today, replaced by something never seen before
Time here is reset again
Another chance

Is it another chance for all? Are we to begin each day as if yesterday never was?
To try again, again, and again
To learn
Duality restrains for the sake of a conscious far too young to grasp the ultimate truth
Harnessed by necessity
We relinquish

From the changing of the seasons to love and it's lack of reason.
We seem to have become indifferent thinking nothing is sufficient.
So these words we pen with fire, wanting to inspire.
Fall softly on jaded ears blurred by careless tears.

Or how about when you realize just how little you mean to someone who means so much?

The amber potion may make me numb.
The sticky leaves may make me dumb.
But the sunsets never go astray.
Here for me lest everyday.
As if they'd nothing else to do.
But remind me every night of you.

Words upon words upon words
Stacked like chips
Towers of volumes
It would look like the pillars of creation
Sunlight will crash through the blood stained windows,
I ran out of ink so I had to make do,
breaking upon piles of ink and paper
Some were crumpled
Those are the ones that forbade me the words I needed
Pardon the whiskey spots
At the top though
You’ll need a ladder
It’s just a single piece of paper
With only one word
“You”

I’m sorry I can’t fold time and space.
I’m sorry that I can’t promise to be there for you.
It’s seems as if it were meant to be.
At times.
Cursed.
Each tethered to an invisible force.
An undeniable logic.
It binds the will to complacency.
A suffering reluctance.
Acceptance stumbles in, drunk as usual.
And I find myself having to say goodbye.
To the illusion as it were.
My moment to bask in the twilight of a moment in bliss.
Now a memory.
A warm and happy memory.

Some of us are in indescribable pain.
Meandering through the days while barely holding onto to themselves. Clutching at a line so thin.

We talk to them, laugh with them, and say our goodbyes. And although you might think they're fine, they're not. You've gone home and they're still mired in their own misery.

Whether self induced or not, it doesn't matter. They're stuck in a perpetual pattern of loathing, usually it's self. There's no light.

There isn't much you can do to help them. You can call them, you can be there for them, but too often these endeavors are in vain.

Sometimes it gets to the point where their pain is the only absolute they have. They've embraced it because of its familiarity.

Too often these people are lost to us. They're broken. The damage is just irreparable. To stay yourself would only suffer the crushing inevitably.

We convince ourselves of things. It's an auto response to outside stimuli. Some of us go defense, others offense. Whether whatever it is we've convinced ourselves is true or not. It doesn't matter.

Tears in the rain.

I can’t love you
And I can’t **** you
So
I’m going to drink this here poison
And wait for you to die

You’re the Prometheus of my soul.
Setting my world afire.
Only to leave me wandering an ashen landscape.
Tracing out my thoughts in the grey.
The clouds remind me of the smoke in your eyes.
While I follow these footprints in the dust of moments gone by.
Hoping one of them is you.

It was on a night like this, not long ago.
The air stood still and the moon hung low.

A loathsome lad on the bow of a whaler.
Not much of a farmer but a pretty good sailor.

Made a wish on the breast of Blue he killed.
"Your mightiest dead, his blood I've spilled!"

Most gods didn't listen save one who did care.
Poseidon held steadfast, his attention was snared.

"Poseidon pay forth my wish which I've earned!
My fortunes everlasting and enemies burned!"

Poseidon appeared though not as you think him.
He appeared as fresh water so the sailor would drink him.

"My favor you seek?" The lads stomach it snarled.
"You killed one of my daughters your heart I will gnarl!"

"Oh dear god who hath forsaken my favor.
Spare me your wrath, my heart don't savor."

The young sailor pleaded his tables now turned.
The house of his dreams Poseidon has burned.

"Quiet you fool your tears do not pang me.
One day I favor you will marry a banshee.

She'll be quite striking, clever, and loyal.
For her hand and her heart you mustn't recoil.

You'll live quite well your fortunes more fair.
You'll suffer no fools, you will not despair.

One night though I'll come back to collect.
I spared your life tis quite a large debt."

Our whaling friend abided then his muscles began to quake.
Poseidon made him ***** so an exit he could make.

They parted ways and many years of travels came to be.
Our whaling lad he had searched those perilous seven seas.

Soon he met and fell in love with a girl from the forests edge.
He proposed to her in sight of Poseidon on high upon a ledge.

A few years passed and soon she bore this man a son.
He couldn't believe his very eyes what favors had he won.

Then one night Poseidon came and rapped his trident on the door.
"A debt must be paid with your own son. I mustn't wait anymore!"

The lad he knew better than to argue with Poseidon.
He took his son from his wife's arms knowing better to abide him.

Poseidon took his son and cast him to the stars.
A reminder far more lasting than any mortal scars.

The young mans wife done cast herself into the firey hearth.
Having done cursed her love and self, for ever giving birth.

The sailor said "What penance, if any, was there ever to be made?"
Poseidon turned away from him for the debt the man had paid.

"Does your pain right now not make you favor death?
Do you not savor in the thought of smelling Cerebrus' breath?

Can you fashion upon your eyes a single saving grace?
How about your soul for one more look upon her face?"

The whaling man said nothing putting pistol to his temple.
The plan it seems all along had been well, rather simple.

A discharged flash and his eyes opened wide.
Prone in his bed his lovely wife there by his side.

His son began to bellow from the crib by the hearth.
Everything was as it was, his love and the birth.

A new moon shone out upon the quiet sea.
Poseidon beckoned the old man to venture out to he.

"Poseidon I don't know what I could do to honor you my god.
Your feats are grand and generous your efforts I applaud."

"Save face my friend for you have learned your lesson well.
And that's to say this **** right here is by Jamison ****** Bell!"