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Jamison Bell Oct 2019
From my porch it looks black, the tree
It stands alone upon a crest in the field. The sun takes hold of its roots every morning. Pulls itself up over the horizon.
I haven’t walked out there. I prefer to know the tree as I see it from my porch. A callous and charred reminder of the cruelty of time. Screaming silently in stark contrast to the onslaught of a new day.
I can’t imagine not seeing that tree every morning. I don’t want to. And yet I can’t tell it how much it means to me. How I’ll feel if I wake up one day and it’s gone.
Just as that tree has but a few branches left as do I people that matter to me. And just like that tree. These people couldn’t possibly fathom the heart gutting angst the loss of them would cause me.
Tonight a billion photons will bounce off the moon and land in the arms of that tree. While I get high on the porch and mourn the fact that much like these people I do covet. I’ll never mean as much to this ****** tree as it does to me.
130 · Sep 2021
Unto myself nothing
Jamison Bell Sep 2021
My memories haunt me
Whether by sleep
Or light of day
Relentlessly they pursue me
Clawing at the fabric of my reality
Gnawing at my will
I feel little at this point
I’ve bled out all that I love
I’ve been told
I should forgive myself
That I need not suffer anymore
Damnation my salvation
Jamison Bell Jul 2019
The mightiest of hero’s
Known both far and wide
Long to fight in battles
Standing by his side

They tell tales of his deeds
Banner men and the squires
Of how he used the rivers
To dose the dragon fires

Kings and lords envy him
The maidens trail behind
They say he’s not just mighty
They say he’s also kind

It’s said he rains down lightening
Thunder from the skies
They say his farts are noxious
And he shoots lasers from his eyes

Jaxon is the mightiest
Of Vikings and the like
Just ask his latest foe
His head is on that pike

So let his tales be known
Lest trouble should come near
If Jaxon is around
There is nothing there to fear
Jamison Bell Sep 2019
I’d love to stay and chat, but if I don’t tilt these windmills before the high wears off I fear they’ll abscond away with my purpose during the night.  
It’s an illusion for sure, but it’s mine. Crafted out of fear it walks in front of my shadow before every setting sun. A lumbering tangled tragedy.
Suffer me not should you find my sincerity to be askew. Cast your earth upon me and bid me ado. Lest I become that which you loath and thereby myself.
Your coffee grows cold and my mule died last night, again. And yet this morning I’ll ride that steed off to meet the day. The same day from the day before.
Fret not, your confusion is entertained and I The never good enough Knight of a broken table will leave it to the days to come to forget I was here.
I’ve died a thousand times trying to get over the rainbow and unknowingly breached every rule that would have garnered a love to span the stars.
So tired is the day that carries my woes. Endeavoring an idea as foolish as the ones that preceded it. Dogs that come home to die under the porch.
My banner in shreds to whims of a southerly wind. Decorated in celebration to my victorious battles. Thus it is just an old t shirt of a smiley face.
I had to throw you up amongst the celestial backdrop of my dreams so that if I needed you, for once, you’d be there. Asleep behind the wheel of my every thought.
Jamison Bell Jan 2023
The wisteria hung like celestial waterfalls against a backdrop of splattered light. As if the sun had spilt paint across the horizon on it's way out of that day. I saw you in hues of blue standing in the rain. Strands of burnt chestnut hair clung to your cheeks like the blind hands of night had just found the most beautiful thing it'd ever touched. The moon paused and everything I once coveted fell out of thought. I saw fireflies, like fallen stars pleading their case to the heavens, flash in and out of the garden. I held this moment like my last breath for fear the sound of my sigh would break the dream.
129 · Jun 2017
Oh well.
Jamison Bell Jun 2017
What makes me sad.
Is knowing that on the day my pain stops.
Your pain will begin.
The day I die and suffer no more. Is day one for your suffering to begin. Unless of course you don't care. In that case. Best of luck to you.
128 · May 2019
My heart is a moron
Jamison Bell May 2019
I think I figured out why
I can’t remember a single poem
That I’ve written
It’s because my mind didn’t write them
My heart did
Jamison Bell Nov 2018
And then she
Forget it I said, never mind
Alright I said, Finest kind
And that is when the storm came in
So let me try, To begin again

A summers eve, a winters mourn
Does it even matter when one is torn?
Pine and curse at everyday
That’s come to pass since I went away

I’d call you a witch, a demon
A sweet nightmare when I’m not dreaming
A sorter of truths and desires
Building bridges for the love of the fires

Say what you will or don’t
Don’t mind if I do but I won’t
So you see how you’re rather confusing
All while maintaining amusing

This story that never got finished
Never to be replenished
I’ll still think it was what it wasn’t
It’s what a fool does and doesn’t

So bend the light and skew premise
And we’ll just say that it went amiss
So I’ll stand beneath those stars at night
To find and see Andromeda’s light
128 · Oct 2018
My cat controls the weather
Jamison Bell Oct 2018
They’re going to call me an indigent, it’ll say so on the tag.
If you want to read the c.o.d., before they zip up the bag.
I’ll lie in a freezer for a good eight days, then it’ll be the furnace.
Was life supposed to end like this, why didn’t somebody warn us?
If nobody comes to claim the body, the ashes will go in the trash.
That’s what happens when you die alone and with very little cash.
Jamison Bell Apr 2019
If what will be will be
And we aren’t meant to see
Let me ask you this
Will you at least remember me
128 · Jun 2019
I don’t trust turtles
Jamison Bell Jun 2019
When all the voices fade out
And you’ve forgotten
Everything that was said
And those words
That were wished upon
Die out like the stars
That couldn’t grant
Those same wishes
So the world becomes
That much colder
And the nights
That much longer
Jamison Bell Jul 2019
When the hammer hits the primer and the gods ask me what I’ve done. And my last breath leaves me to join the breeze headed for the shores. I’ll tell them that I found my answer. My answer to the question that has no answer. My singularity. I’ll tell them I found you.
127 · Oct 2017
Why mind my mind
Jamison Bell Oct 2017
I can't tell you about my first kiss.
Fact is, I don't remember it.
You want to know what I do remember?
Of all the things my mind can hold onto in excruciating detail.
I remember the day after I turned 15. The day before went by as just another day.
I tried to hug my mom and tell her I love her. She turned away from me and said "you're not worth living for".
Jamison Bell Oct 2017
How vain it would be, to think that you'd want to dance with me.
You, a summer sunset. Me, the salt and sea.
Jamison Bell Oct 2017
Everyday, in the freshly fallen snow of a new day.
I look for her tracks.
And everyday, they're still headed away from me.
So I sleep.
In the hope that tomorrow.
In the freshly fallen snow of a new day.
When I look for her tracks.
Tomorrow.
Jamison Bell Aug 2022
As if he'd waded across the Salton Sea with the weight of the sun on his back.
Skin stretched and smoked, thin hands strong like talons.
I'd seen that look before.
Tired, resolute, and dark.
He pulled a bone knife from his boot and splayed his left hand on the bar palm up.
He didn't even press his lips to the bottle. Unable to swallow as fast as the whiskey poured it spilled over.
One more look over his left shoulder he pressed the point of the bone knife into his palm.
Sliding the blade up toward his fingers he then pulled it back towards his wrist along a different line.
Folding back his flesh he reached into the cut and removed a key.
A fierce wind rushed in from the south as if chased by some ancient god bent on revenge.
Every door and shutter flung open, candles extinguished.
I looked pass the stranger out into the night.
A storm highlighted by stilts of lightening approached.
I relit the candles and checked on the horses, nervous but still tied to the posts.
The stranger folded his flesh back into his palm and held it over the candle.
Reseated before him he motioned for my hand.
I unfurled my palm on the table and he placed the key dead center.
I closed my fingers around the key and he squeezed my fist chanting a language long thought dead.
I unrolled my fingers to find the key had sunk into my flesh.
"The key must always be passed from hand to hand, all will die should it touch land. That storm will follow you for the rest of your days or for as so long as you bear the key. It must never catch you. Or all is lost. Though from now on. You are immortal."
The stranger stood before the door and breathed deep.
His horse made no sound as he disappeared into the darkness.
I looked down upon my left hand wherein the key, a relic of some ancient magic, now resided.
I looked up at the storm approaching.
Foreboding reminder of the chaos that would become my life from then on.
I finished off the whiskey.
Stared into the candles flame.
Freed the axe from the block and rested my key bearing hand where so many chickens had lost their heads for the sake of a stew.
I brought down the axe and missed.
Just the tips of my fingers on the first try.
Quickly before my mind was to catch on to my carnage.
I brought the axe down again.
This time I was successful.
My left hand.
Cursed and abandoned.
As if it'd betrayed me somehow and was now banished.
I do feel bad and yeah it hurts quite a bit.
Though I'll be ****** if I'm going to spend my life outrunning a storm for immortality.
I tossed my hand into the fire and lit a cigarette.
Once the hand is consumed, the key will sink into the ashes, and we can all burn together.
Jamison Bell Jan 2022
I exhale and fall backwards
Into melancholic arms
A bored sun looks in on me
I run my hand through strains of fire and smoke
I crush out the ****
And watch each lil ember die out
Like so many dreams
Absurdist thoughts stir
But I can’t be bothered
This would be a good place to pass
127 · Oct 2017
You go piss over there
Jamison Bell Oct 2017
There’s no shelter here.
Then inn is full. Someone **** in the other room and another guest set fire to the furniture.
Before that. Someone gutted the interior and ****** on the door.
Keep it moving.
I’m closing up shop.
I can’t take the heartache.
Take your hollowed out compliments.
Your empty declarations.
Reused terms of endearment.
I’m just too tired to care anymore.
Jamison Bell Apr 2019
I’ll admit I fear the harpies
Hence I’ll tie no noose
Lest Dante be correct
And Zeus’s hounds are on the loose

So there’ll be no poison, save
the love I have for you
No shiny silver bullet
For a soul that’s overdue

No pop tarts in the shower
Slightly brown along the edges
No jagged rusty razors
Or standing out on ledges

No shotgun to the face
I’m not as messy as Cobain
No gasoline and fire
I’m just not that insane

So no I’ll just suffer
While I watch the embers fall
Rub my gasping heart
And hope one day you call
Jamison Bell Jul 2019
When you can say with no doubt
That you’d be willing to do it all over again
To suffer the same failures, losses, pains, and tragedies
Because you know at some point
You’re going to meet that one person
And even though you already know how it’s going to end
You’re going to lift that needle up and play that song again
Because it’s just that beautiful
Jamison Bell Jul 2022
The sunrise startles her bones to stir,
they grind against her will to get up.
She mourns the moon,
reluctantly tolerates the sun.
Another passive aggressive morning,
another cigarette.
Her thoughts fall through space,
trying to remember a time.
Until her mind hits a wall,
like a wet sponge.
Having to acknowledge,
that there was never a time.
Still, she turns to herself
and gives her a grin.
It'll happen someday
when.
Jamison Bell Mar 2022
And just as the morning sun forages through the forest floor.
Like it’s looking for a dropped contact lense.
So too I, a mercenary of reason. Waking and trudging through each day.
Starved for purpose. Understanding.
Instead I’m asked to just choke it down. The hypocrisy, the indignant righteous illusion of free will.
Tongue scraped with charcoal. To the point I question whether or not.
Would it not serve me better to just bite down on my own throat?
To clench my teeth and pull back just far enough to watch the light fade from my eyes.
A poem like the ghost of a memory that was never real. Floats just out of reach.
125 · Dec 2020
Zoe
Jamison Bell Dec 2020
Zoe
It wouldn’t occur to me
To ask of you
To ever think
Of I
Though I’ll never stop
Thinking of you
Until the day I die
124 · Apr 2019
Whiskey lips
Jamison Bell Apr 2019
So softly do your eyes fall
Like celestial embers stirring restlessly
Against a backdrop of echoes
Left behind by the worlds you’ve destroyed
You are the smoke in my eyes
And the scrape against my bones
A wielder of ashen dreams
Soaked in crimson and left
Behind by the moon
Jamison Bell Dec 2018
I’m right where you left me
The sun has had its way with me
Along with the rain, the wind, and the cold
And it still hurts
I’m not going to lie
It hurts
You were right, I ripped it out and threw it at you
My heart that is
Now I cradle it in my hands every night
Which is long in tooth
Piercing my heart while the moon watches
The blood spurts out like that red **** that pours from a steak
And I’d do it again
And again, and again, and again
If you tell me you’re cold
I’ll set it on fire
Tell me you’re hungry?
I’ll make sure it’s cooked all the way through
Cause as you know, all to well, I’m only here because of you
124 · Feb 2022
To, the moon
Jamison Bell Feb 2022
I do not fear death
It’s widening jaws await
Evermore
Nor do I fear time
Cells die off like stars
Evermore
I bring my own pain
Self wrought and nourished
Evermore
Tis but a thought
That weakens my resolve
Evermore
A moment between
Love and hate
Evermore
Where my hands shake
And terror takes hold
Evermore
When I imagine you
Know how I feel
Evermore
Jamison Bell Jun 2023
I used to like letting you in.
The door was always open for you.
Usually, you'd just stand in the archway.
You'd go through my mind like you were looking for the thought that murdered your family.
I couldn't help but smile. It was nice having someone over.
That was then.
I didn't want to have to change the locks.
And I don't know if I knew them what I know now. Whether or not I ever would've let you in.
124 · Nov 2017
It’s funny, right?
Jamison Bell Nov 2017
It’s funny.
I only ever wanted them to be happy.
As it turns out.
What made them happy.
Didn’t include I.
124 · May 2019
Eat this before I burn it
Jamison Bell May 2019
Aye I wish it weren’t like that lady but the truth remains the same
We waltz and **** and lie at will for the sake of this twisted game
Souls will fall down off the wall and we’ll applaud what never was
And then we’ll laugh and drink and nary think to look upon because
Jamison Bell Nov 2022
we're as unaware of the before as we are the after.
so, it's not illogical to assume that this is it.
this commercial break of an existence in the ongoing celestial clusterfuck that is the universe/life.
so we witlessly scramble about
sentient but delusional.
hooked on euphoria, looking to extend the feeling for as long as possible
"others have done it, why can't i".
i'd argue
that they move about us.
every moment, every feeling
an illusion just passing through.
some, few, illusions stay.
123 · Jan 2022
Never mattered
Jamison Bell Jan 2022
I’ve read about it.
Seen it in the movies.
Watched other people experience it.
Somehow
I got left out.
They told me I would.
They said it was because I could never matter.
I thought about that for a long time.
While other kids were playing.
I was walking around wondering.
Why?
For a while there I thought that surely someone would come along.
A person to whom my existence would mean something.
Instead I got the four horsemen.
To whom I loved as deeply as I could.
I raged hard against the tides that sought to hold me back.
To prove myself worthy.
In the end.
No matter what I did, I was still of no matter.
I watched from the gutter as the four them made their ways.
My days are closing in on me.
I’ve isolated myself.
I know now I’ll never know how.
Or why.
So I’ve gone from wondering to wandering.
Up and down the cavernous halls of my thoughts.
I still have questions.
That can’t be answered.
Idiotic, insipid, nonsensical, cringeworthy questions.
What is it like to be loved? To be wanted around? To be desired? To be cared for?
To matter?
Someone once told me.
“It’s like feeling the sun on your skin, even when it’s raining.”
I’ve been cold for so long.
I didn’t even know being warm was an option.
123 · Oct 2023
I cannot see what you see
Jamison Bell Oct 2023
It's a good thing I don't have anyone in my life to worry about me.
I've been ******* a crazy amount of blood over the past three days.
123 · Jul 2017
I'll get you a towel.
Jamison Bell Jul 2017
I want to care.
I just don't'.
I'm sorry.
122 · Dec 2018
What matters here?
Jamison Bell Dec 2018
I can’t write to you
Not in the first person
I can’t tell you how I feel
I’ll **** for you
Is that enough?
Please ask me to **** for you
I can’t tell what I want
I’ll cook for you
Do you like panda?
I’ll deep fry a panda for you
I can’t say that you are mine
You can have my organs
Just pick one
Not the lungs!
I can’t say Us
I can recite The Raven
Poe? No?
Nobody ever wants to hear it.
Because the only thing that’ll ever matter to me is you.
Jamison Bell Jan 2021
Gonna snort some drano
I can explain though
Just want to turn my thoughts
To snow so
I can forget
Or rather split
My memories like atoms
Since I’ve had em
They’re soft cells
I can’t resell
Waking me up at three
Like a doorbell
Whiskey saturation
It’s like mental *******
The same **** stories
Not worth infatuation
So I figure a lil poison
To **** the noise and
Bring a lil peace
And put a cease
To these dreams
That just won’t stop
Jamison Bell Apr 2019
I’m too tired to be the monster I was anymore
So, I can’t fight you like I once could
I do have sulfur though, I have my wits
Enough to burn a thousand bridges
121 · Jun 2017
How do I stop the hurt?
Jamison Bell Jun 2017
When the moon gets caught in the branches.
When the sparrows have bid you goodnight.
And the night has tumbled before you.
Staring out into the forest.
Think about me.
Perhaps if but for a moment.
And how it is I love you.
Still.
As the air.
As a heart in waiting.
Succumbing to the darkness that pervades.
Broken and wrought with sickness.
Incurable.
Jamison Bell May 2017
That time I gave away the words you said to someone better than I.
Or the moment I awoke from that dream I had to realize it was a lie.
The other is where I can't go and you'll tell me no one is there.
I'll smile you'll laugh and gauge my expression while I pretend to care.
I'm not what you want while you keep insisting the opposite is true.
And as with the universe, love, and ***, I've arrived without a clue.
This thing of ours can't be described and is sometimes a little unnerving.
It's not what's said but what's left for dead, that I find a little disturbing.
So tell me this oh shaman so high on peyote and I think paint thinner.
Who wins the war who comes out on top the saint or is it the sinner?
Her love for me carries no weight for it's like that of a bottomless vase.
Pretty to look at though utterly useless it lacks reason more than cause.
You're a vapid source and that says a lot but my patience is wearing thin.
Just tell me the way back to her arms and what bets do I make to win.
The shaman knew nothing so now I'm lost and I can't find my way to you.
Standing before me dripping words so sweet but alas which ones are true.
I think I should go you can leave the door open perhaps I'll find my way back.
This poem is an abortion of random thoughts and desires that have gone off track.
Jamison Bell Aug 2019
I wish I could be like you
So happy
Light and free
I wish I could be like you
Anyone but me
Jamison Bell Jun 2022
Break every bottle you have, then set the floor on fire.
Then drag me across the room and tell me what I mean to you.
In the moonlight overlooking a great blue field.
Cast me down into the surf.
And tell me why.
Until your throat dries out and your blinded by the saltiness of your own tears.
Hold me up to the void and let's curse the gods together.
We can tear away at each others flesh until our souls stand naked before a rising sun.
And when it's over.
When the world falls silent and the winds finally cease their eternal race.
I'm going to look at you one last time.
And laugh.
Jamison Bell Aug 2019
If you’re wondering
Upon a grassy hill
One fine day
And in your wondering
You wonder
If I’m out there
Somewhere
On another grassy hill
Wondering to myself
And in my wonder
I find you?
Everyday.
120 · Nov 2017
Unsure
Jamison Bell Nov 2017
Was it I?
Who made these decisions.
Why do I feel juxtaposed?
Is this normal?
In contrast to those around me.
No matter where I am,
I don’t belong there either.
Maybe that’s it.
The why.
Perhaps I went on to live, when in fact I should have died.
120 · Jan 2023
I only smile in the dark
Jamison Bell Jan 2023
I can’t move beyond the nothing.
I’m not upset about there being nothing.
Just wishing I could move past it.
For a while, I was envious of others because I figured they’d moved beyond the nothing.
Turns out, they never reached the nothing.
So now I stand guard.
A sentry pacing back and forth in front of these gates.
“Nay! Turn! ‘Tis not the place for you here! Go over there. It’s better.”
The idea of seeing someone else here terrifies me.
Jamison Bell Jan 2023
I got grass all over my lil white rug. So I rolled it up like you would a body. Then I set it on fire and took a deep breath.
I lifted the eyelids of my house to see if the world had changed. I saw the coyote that killed my friend and not much else.
Another Saturday Night.
Two flames aloft in the darkness dance to a song I used to love and I need more ice if I'm to ever see through this amber haze.
I've been cold for so long you'd think I'd be laughing by now.
It's a solidifying existence here.
I made us each a plate. One has cyanide, the other morphine. It's a win win.
Jamison Bell Mar 2022
I envy the preacher and shaman. I envy their faith and their flock.
Those deluded non sensical *******, just running down time on the clock.

I adore the rabbi and lama, the beards and the tans are the tops.
And whenever I want to party, the imam is pulling no stops.

They live in worlds of certainty, where convictions are set in stone.
While I’ve been somehow left to wander my world all alone.

While others were able to forgive a world that can’t be rationalized.
I got stuck, became enamored, and now I’m pasteurized.

So I’ll laugh until my eyes bleed from staring at the sun.
And if we meet again one day we’ll say “yeah well that was fun”.
118 · Jun 2021
Anytime now
Jamison Bell Jun 2021
Loneliness is when you’re so broken, you don’t want to waste anyone’s time in telling them how lonely you are.
So.
You live in silence. Hoping and waiting for the day, the night, the moment when the silence becomes eternal.
118 · Oct 2017
Just another piece of shit
Jamison Bell Oct 2017
I'll never find in the heart of another what it is I find with Sol.
That warmth that touch that serenity that comes before it falls.

I tire of love, it's waywardness it's timing and it's pain
I'm tired of feeling for someone else who will never feel the same.

It's not that I'm sad or even hateful for this here is my lot
It's just that I'm tired of being one who has given more than got
118 · Mar 2019
Iwasneverreallyhere
Jamison Bell Mar 2019
I had a thought of ashen skies
Dancing reeds and soft goodbyes
Perhaps a friend or two to say
How’re you doing, how was your day
Alas it isn’t at all what I think
Just me, your ghost, and another drink
118 · Jul 2022
Just so you know
Jamison Bell Jul 2022
Consider this.
As you're reading this. There's this creature called a demodex. In fact, there's thousands of billions of them. They're not entirely unlike you despite they're relatively short life span.
They hatch about three days after being deposited. They spend four days eating and learning about the universe, where they stand in the grand scheme of things.
Then they start with the ***. It's not the sweet rose petal on the bed "I'll try not to get it in your hair" ***. It's the raw, unapologetic, "I don't even care enough about you to ask your name" ***.
This roundabout of ****** and gorging goes on for another seven days, and then they die.
Though I imagine that last seven days would be wondrous. Just a non-stop ******* session of apathy and gluttony rolled up like a taquito. They're spraying their ***** about like firemen trying to coral a brush fire. All while stuffing the other end of their bodies with the flesh of the dead.
For the record. They're skin cell mites that live in your hair and on your face. Wash all you want, they'll be back. Your face is the VIP lounge of a Japanese massage parlor and they're not leaving.
Jamison Bell Dec 2018
Cats and dogs will have their day to see god and ask him why.
They’ll talk of **** that we pulled down here and they don’t know how to lie.
So mind your steps around these beast lest they curry the good lords favor.
You may well find yourself in the pit of hell, no rest just **** and labor.
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