Really
the longer you live
the more you shift between
the what is and what was
sometimes the transitions
are smoother than others
today I found myself
within a few layers
of my former life
interwoven
with my current experience
always a bittersweet mixture
somewhere half way
between gratefulness
with a touch of regret
and a modicum of relief
that so many frayed edges
were smoothed enough
to make it all stay together
for the most part
not sure where tomorrow is going
but right here, right now
just hanging in there
and not sure
how long the thread
is…

so many tables  
stacked with catalogs
and coffee cups
our long discussions  
cluttered  with memories  
and
relatives
long renting spaces
underground
potential plans made
like  guest beds in our minds  
favorite tv shows
devouring  our  
afternoons and evenings
together  
dotted  with  
occasional power
struggles
minds at odds
a generational
dissonance
the  backdrop  
for  the need
to leave  the nest
again
freedom I sought
and liberty
was gained
now
flash forward
less than a decade
later
and you
are wrapped
  in a mere
flesh shell of existence
no longer engaged
in this world
with anything
but breath  
and  discomfort
thankful
for tender mercies
am I
  for you
still remember me
for
now

Food is not my friend
If it were not a necessity of life
I would not mind
Never seeing it again

The only time I truly desire
Is when hunger sets in
Then my deepest craving is Mexican

Still I have excess weight
That does not want to go away
I've given up my childhood desires
For sweetness, yet still the fat wants to stay

Working in a food related atmosphere
Is not my cup of tea
Having my hands upon food
Brings out the nervousness in me

It was not always like this
Chocolate cake was my favorite, used to be
One bite of it and I was fast forwarded
Into a land of ecstasy

I don't know why this change has come about
I would like to think
The Lord has a purpose
For this route

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PROVERBS 15:17
Better is dinner of herbs where love is than a fattened ox and hatred with it.

JOHN 6:27
Do not labor for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. For on him God the Father has set his seal"

I have no job.
No finances.
And less skills than I would have hoped
leaving college.

But I have that piece of paper.
A roof over my head, still.
Some prospects of potential things on the horizon.

Everyone expects that once you graduate you can leave.
But then scoffs at you when you get into debt
for putting too much on credit cards.

I am sorry I can't afford to go get an oil change.
But I know I can't afford not to.

When your family almost loses their house,
and can on a daily basis
be called by debt collectors on final notice of some bill
we cannot afford to pay -
suddenly life is a bit too real to think that downing a bottle of
your choice
will magically make it go away.

Surprise. I don't want to be dependent anymore.
I want to work 80 hours a week
knowing that in ten years I will be able to afford that one dinner out.

Not only that we have leaders of our nation that will change everything
you believe to be good
and will implement everything
you believe to be bad.

That bubble rises.

A noose around my neck
of money drying up
it feels like I should put some semblance of beauty to work
and find some person to take care of me

No. I can find a way to support myself
with the skills I have learned at school.
Other students have before me
worked off the debt of higher education
and so will I.
Jobs will open up.
Opportunity will knock.
Failure will happen, but so will success.

Just one step at a time
not in front of the train like I have thought about
but forward towards true uncertainty of the future.

Don't worry, I will be still be here tomorrow and tomorrow.
as a force you didn't realize was there.
One day you might even remember my name.