It came to my attention
How much hard life can be
When I was very young
It was hard to see
All I wanted was to be older
Now that I am older
I want to be younger again
I would of done things differently
I would of enjoyed life better
I would of said better things
Made life simpler
I would of listened better
And done the right things
Instead, I chose the wrong path
Went my separate way
Ended up in trouble
Addicted to so many things

I chose to change my ways
Get a better perspected on life
Change my attitude and outlook
Show others I'm a different man
I no longer want to go back
To the place where I was
It was a dark place
Filled with hate
No love in me
Not for anyone
Now I do really care
For my friends and family
There was a time
When they didn't want
Anything to do with me
Changing is so much wiser
Than living a hallow life

Ha, I knew it was you
That said what was said
Nothing much I can do
But it ***** it's the end
No more trust coming your way
I really never liked you all that much
So why the **** should I care?
Though I thought we were becoming
Two civil individuals
Since you want to talk ****
I'll talk ****
You can bet on it
That you'll never be respected again
You don't deserve a ******* thing
I don't owe you ****
So why all the ******* hype?
Are you jealous
Or just want to make a ******* scene?
I know I ain't right
But at least I know this
And am trying to correct my life
All the talking **** ain't affecting me
You're just wasting your ******* breath
So leave it the **** alone

I see the words right in front of my face
They are calling me to write them down
But I can't put them all together
Too much information all bunched up
I calmly take a breath
And put pen to paper
I start writing
And a flood of emotions come out
I write about my life, about the past
Hoping someone can relate to me
I can see how it all fits together
I look at what I wrote
Surveying the words
They become like magic on paper
And  I am enlightened.

Once again I became ****** up
Didn't want to but nobody held a ******* gun to my head
I was asked if I wanted a mix drink
And I said sure why not
Why the **** do I relapse all the time?
Something is stopping me moving forward
And making a good life for myself
I forget how much I drank to be honest
I ******* drank a lot
Then to add on top of it I just took my afternoon psyche meds
Anyway, I blacked out later on through the day
I came to with my next door neighbor ******* my ****
I didn't ask him to do that
I pushed him aside and grabbed my cds and ran outside
I went to my place and passed out again
Now all these ******* emotions are coming to the surface
I want to run away and forget it all
I want to drink over this so badly but I know I can't
Once again alcohol has left a bad memory in my heart
If only I didn't go over to his place
If only I didn't drink way too much
Now I can see the child within myself
Crying to find some ******* closure
Asking my older brother why
Asking my next door neighbor why
Now it's all falling to pieces
I can let it take me
But I am going to ******* survive
I'm not going to let it beat me
No, I am going to ******* beat this
And come out on the other side a better man

Enjoy moments
Time goes so fast
I was a child
Wanting to be older
A grown up, big
I blinked my eyes
Now I'm 43
I have a child
Started out late in life
I blinked my eyes
And now she's 4
Me and my woman
Started out on a high
Now it has leveled off
Like it should
It's been a bumpy ride
Filled with chaos and joy
I blinked my eyes
And we've been together
For six years

Life is risky
That's the way it is
Hardly know what's next
But it's the moments
In each day that count
Those precious moments
That stir the soul

Oh, how funny life is
I blinked my eyes
Now me and my woman are through
I left her because of she wouldn't make a decision
But I guess she really did by not making one
Just wanted things to remain the same
Things can't! That's the certainty in life
Life is always changing, moving, growing
Expanding. I blinked my eyes now it's haunting me

I've been down a bumpy road
But it has only made me shine
Knowing how I must live
It's not with the taking but
How I give in life

I would like to feed the hungry
Give lots of money to the poor
I don't get hungry like the next
Guy and could take a meal to
Someone.  I don't have lots of
Money but can I can give away
Some change

I feel it's more so on how I act
Trying hard not to be selfish
Today.  A smile goes a long way
When it's directed at someone
To watch them light up is a
Good feeling

I can give love

Love for my family, love for my friends
Love for nature, and the good things in life
Having positive thoughts for others
And hoping all stays well, whether toil
And strife

The days are like they are brand new
So much hope inside this body of mine
Where did this reality come from
It wasn't this way years ago

I was filled with so much fear
I couldn't step outside
I couldn't talk to you
And explain what was happening

It was like a force had me *******
Gripping my inner being
Stopping me from living happy
Like a veil of darkness was hovering over me

Today isn't the case
It has disappeared for the time being
No more lonely nights
Scared of ever falling asleep

It's like I've been released
The grasp isn't holding tightly around my neck
It has been removed
And positive thoughts are taking its' place

What a relief it is
Now I can explore the world
No more hiding in dark corners
And thinking about dark things

Can it be a miracle?
I can't say
I'm just so happy
That I can live a life today

I have behold the inner truth
Sick of all the **** I did in my youth
I look back and wonder why
Was it just an experiment in life?

I came to door and knocked
You opened it up wide
We sat down and talked
And you explained the hurt inside

Was I just running away
Trying to find my identity?
It seems like days
Since I felt like me

Living a lie from the start
It was hard to talk to you
You helped me to open up my heart
And the words I spoke were true

You led me down the path
Took me through the steps
Now I can look at the past
And find my true identity

I don't remember
Hurting you this bad
I must done a wallop to your heart for you not to return my calls or text messages.
I must of made you cry for hours on end and days to come.
It could of happened that way
But I totally doubt it.
Oh. Hurting your heart is a possibility cause we have a daughter together and to get back at me is to not return my calls and text messages for months on end. You know how
Much that bothers me and it does ****** me off but there's nothing
I can do about it if you want to act like a little baby. All I want is to talk to my daughter. Why is it that the children are the ones who suffers and the more one tries not to make that happen the more it seems like everything is just gets lost in the wind.  And I can't remember everything that made you angry about me. Apparently you was taking notes.

I've been such an idiot
Thinking I can forgive you
I try to run through it
In my mind and there is no clue
Of how much you can be blind

I don't accept how things are
I've come too far to realize the
Truth gets blurred, trying
To reach from my gut and live
A better life

I don't need you to explain
What happened was insane
There isn't nothing you can say
That would make a change

I don't know that's why you are
Living on higher plain, but I say
**** your pretending of living
The "Right way".  It's all *******
Nonsense to me, I don't want your
Religion if that's how I'm going
To turn out to be

If I could turn back time and change everything I said or did I wouldn't. Life today has meaning and purpose. The past has taught me a valuable lesson, that we all need each to survive. I can't do life without any help, that's why I need you to be a part of it. I need all the help I can get, that's why I firmly believe there were and still are people praying for me. I'm not alone today. I feel the presence of others' love flowing from their hearts. And most importantly, I feel the presence of God as I understand Him saving me from my own destructive self.

What the hell am I doing?
One minute I'm kicking
you out and the next I'm
telling you to come home.
If I could only make up
mind. I realize how
inconsiderate I've been,
I wonder if you could
ever forgive me again,
that seems like all I do
is apologize, if I could
only make up my mind.

I go back and forth with my love
Will I ever be content with someone
Or am I doomed to always be searching
For ectasy? And it seems that's what
I'm after, just a host to be filled by
Excitement. It doesn't make much
Sense, the women weren't bad that
Were in my life, I always felt like
Moving on and never gave them
Much of my time. Will I ever be
Satisfied or am I completely out
Of my mind? It feels that way a lot
Of the days, having a beautiful
Woman in my life and not knowing
If she's right. But that has been my
Story, leaving them behind and
Always end up lonely. It's a miracle
That a woman would even consider
Me, let alone be a part of my life.
What happens when the chips are
Down and I have no where to turn
To, am I going to forever make it a
Point to hold back my love and cause
Her to break it off? Or am I going to
Call it quits because I'm confused?
What will that do, except leave me
Out in the cold, always wondering
If it was meant to be?

I see the glow in your eyes
Oh, how they do shine
It seems like you can see right through me
So many things I want to say to you freely
My tongue is ******* so tightly
It seems like I can't speak
And being around you makes me nervous
If only I could say how I feel about you
It would make these days so much better
But my lips are like they are sealed
Forever shut in it's place
I need encouragement to talk
If only you would take my hand
But it seems like I'm at a lonely walk
I wish you could understand
That I do wish we were together
It would make these days so much better
I would kiss you gently on your lips
let you know everything will be okay
The time we will spend together will light up
And there will be magic in our days
If only I could say one word to you
If only I could say hello

You've been ******* put down,
I can ******* understand.
You don't know when to turn around,
and walk through the fires.

You feel like going insane,
I have to tell you it's not that bad.
You want to run away,
and forget your crazy self.

I've tried the same thing,
it doesn't work out very well.
I've sacrificed my ******* soul,
and gone through ******* hell.

I couldn't forget the ******* pain,
I couldn't come to accept what I was.
There was only darkness in my life,
that even demons couldn't get in the way.

I touched a little of  heaven,
and could stand looking in the mirror.
I lost the attempt to control everything,
and life became more clear.

I gave up hell,
and walked away from negativity.
You have to find your own path,
but it's better than the way it was.

My will has never been good
I always have a devil on my shoulder
Telling me things to say and do

I want to be kind
But rather would sit on a mountaintop
Judging you

I am so vain
The world is vain
I look into the mirror
And see horns behind my back

I want to love
But insist on hate
The world is full of hate
And I have become of the world

I want to be considerate
But am a selfish man
I would think of myself
Before I would give anything to you

The world is full of hate
And I have become of the world
Might as well join everyone
Before I'm left dying at dawn

Come and take my hand
I'll lead you to the promised land

I'll wrap my arms around you
Hold you close to my chest

There will be much to do
I'll try my very best

To make you feel right at home
You'll never be alone

I'll give you more than enough
You'll never want after anything

The road won't be rough
I'll give you my grandmother's diamond ring

Won't you come with me
The journey will be free

And life will take on new meaning
Won't you come and find hope with me

If there will ever be a time
The time is now

I have your beautiful eyes in sight
We will make it work somehow

Don't got any money
Don't have a place to live

We'll bumb off my mommy
And thInk we're living good

It's just so ******* funny
We're living the way people should

Who cares what people say
I'll get the car from my dad

We'll go riding today
And won't feel so bad

We're living the right way
There's no reason to feel sad

I'll get you into bed
And we'll make a baby

After all that is said
I'll run off with your best friend

Leave you high and dry
But for sure take my hand

I'll make you feel like you want to die
But for sure I'll lead you to the promised land

What the **** are we here for
What the hell is our ******* purpose
Do I unlock this ******* door
And kick someone's *** for
Looking at me wrong?

I try too ******* hard to please everyone
But that only gets me into ******* trouble
Everything I say seems like a **** in the wind
It ******* stinks on this side of the track

Growing up with different ideas
Thinking I could go somewhere in life
But fear stole my reflection and replaced
It with ******* stressed out nerves
I tried to love but nothing seemed fair
I don't even think I ******* cared

I got my nerve back with liquor courage
But that just made me ******* mean
I fought and I fought and fought to stay
Alive, hurting others with everything that
Came out of my mouth, never thinking before
I spoke. I still ******* do that, and it gets me
Nowhere

I'm ******* in charge of my mouth but *******
Does it spew out some ******* ****. That's why
I'm going to take this ******* energy and use it
To the way I write. Maybe I can get my *******
Point across and say that we need to believe in
Ourselves and follow our dreams. I see *******
Clearly that we need to **** the negative thoughts
And stand up for freedom of speech. Do it the right
******* way and watch out what I ******* say.
It ain't going to matter if I get shot because I
Couldn't hold back my speech, so I'll put them on
Paper and make my dreams reality.

The world suffices
And i get along
Trying with my crushes
To be a carrier of meaningless thought
I stare at the cross
Wondering if I know what it is
I see the man in the mirror
And I don't like what I see
I condemn myself
Can you provide judgement be more extreme
Hell arises
Heaven is just a myth
I stare at the trees
The wind must be extreme
I laugh as I cry
I must be mortaly insane

I can't cure the world
If I could I would
But it just isn't so
There are so many "shoulds"

I see the pain in your eyes
And I want to take it away
But I need to let you go
And live my life today

You was once a part of me
And I was a part of you
We traveled this road endlessly
And had all the time to be true

Now the feelings have strayed
And I'm so much hurting inside
But what is best for each other
Might take a lifetime to figure out
And I'm not prepared to stay
Putting us through misery

Why all the demands,
Can't you see I'm doing pretty good?
Can't you understand,
It's always the way it should be?
Can't you see,
We weren't meant to be,
But two souls trying to be free,
Free from our tyranny,
And the darkness imprinted on the inside?

Infected with your love
Something I've never felt before
It's only what dreams are made of
Wishing for it more and more
I've seen the other side
Oh, how I don't want to go back there
So much hate lasting a long time
Just swelled up with so much pride
And I wasn't built today to dare

It has come to my attention
Due to my hand
That life is awkward as it stands
Why do I flirt with the flames
That has burned me over again
Time after time
By my distorted eyes
I plague the barrier in my heart
I look forward to the frying pan
Get burnt like only I can understand
Come to to a place only dreams swelter
This by far is the end of my nightmare
Over seeing what can be passed down
It hurts to think I infest the rights

I come to this place of solitude
The desire is in my mind
I write something about life
Something about you
The words aren't always precise
It's just how I feel at the time
And there stands a thin line
Between what's not Tue and is
Most of my writings are true
But the feeling is different
Not the same as I felt back then
It's like I have a new pair of glasses
And can see clearly in hindsight

I stare out at the sun
And the sun smiling at me
Agreeing how beautiful a sunset can be
I look out in the distance
The sky so blue and pink
I smile from the view
What a beautiful view it is
No one can take that away
Steal the precious feeling I have
They may bombard me with obstacles
But that view is etched in the heart of my being
And I can bring it back, all I have to do is close
My eyes and there it is in my memory

I don't know what's
Going on inside my head
It seems like I do okay
For a little while and then
I want to run away, leave
Everyone and everything
Behind and not say goodbye
Just disappear like the wind
Forever get lost in the end
I hurt the ones I love
Who have been loyal to me
I scream for an answer from above
But only get silience. I’ m like a
Little baby, so wrapped up in
Myself, I want what I want and
I'll pound the table with my spoon
And then I want nothing but to
Be left alone, to hide away, so
Many feelings pulsating through
My veins, it feels like I'm going insane

Come along
It's a free for all
I hear a song
Playing out of tune
Is it a crow's call
I listen to
Reminding me of death
I beckon for a breath
Take away the pain
Killing me softly
Driving me insane
Voices inside my head
Wishing for the end
Last in line
For a clamor of night
And this hell I am in
Is taking it's toll
What was bright
Is now faded
Lonely road to nowhere
Can now take me to the nothingness
Inside my head

There was a light shining in
But the darkness had it's way
It smothered the light
And covered the earth with pain
So much of it going around
Just can't seem to get away
From the hell inside these walls
Inside this cage

Into the realm of the unknown
There we meet what we have sown
Calling upon the angel's throne
Cast aside into the wind that blows

Seeing life in a whole new angle
The serpent's might is there to strangle
Wasting time in the winter's freezing cold
The sun is no more in this dark fold

Why the order of the universe?
Karma has been a melody or chorus
Peace kisses the night sky
And wanting so selfishly subsides

Goodness reaches the heart
Filling the soul with sparks
The past is death's yearning lore
Marching foward forevermore

Most of the time
I feel like a nobody
Isolated in my words to others
They seem like they don't get me
How much I want them to
But it's never going to happen
Because they think they're better than me
I get no calls from others
I have to be the one to call
I'm just existing, invisible to others

I meant to say something beautiful
But the words wouldn't come out of my mouth right
So many things you have done for me
I have all these feelings I feel for you inside
What am I suppose to say to someone like you?
Is thank you more than enough?
I hope one day I have the intigrity like you do
Maybe if I showed you how much you mean to me
Would make a huge difference in this relationship

I don't know what's worth fighting for
It seems like forever and a day I smiled
But I really like to wear this frown
Too much darkness that brings me down
How I do like to revel in the ****
Can't ever seem to forget it
It just makes me ******* smarter
How much this world *****
So many ******* hate me
And it really is what makes me smile
Letting them know I will see it through
******* *******, ain't worth my time
So what the **** am I suppose to do
Is the sun ever going ******* shine
Or am I stuck in this ******* glue
So much pain in my mind
That I want to ******* sue
Kiss my ***, *******
And ******* too
Let them ******* hate me
Because I got them over a barrel
And just because I'm blue
And write about this and that
Mainly how much I want to change
And be a ******* better man today
But it just seems it ain't going that way
I try to ******* behave, but what the hey
The temptations gets to me
So sometimes it's too late
To  watch ******* bleed
They don't know what it's like
To be a ******* like me

Looking for the answers, the truth within
Praying to the heavens, searching from without
The secrets that I told myself, the attitude to destroy
Scars of ashes all up and down my arm
I wanted to feel the physical
I wanted no emotional
The actions I caused because of self-harm
I couldn't see anything beautiful
only the darkness plagued my senses
I spent years of self-doubt
killing any hope of a normal life
Now there is only the insane
and still I feel my own self-pain

I smiled at you
you returned it with a frown
what did I ever do
to have you feeling down
All I ever wanted was goodness
to envelope around you
for you to grab a hold
of precious moments instead
of looking at everything so negative

You want the world
but not ready to do anything
you lay around
and complain about everything
I hear what you're saying
you're not happy with life
I don't know what to do
to make you feel everything
will be alright

I try to be there for you
but it seems a waste of time
No matter what I say and do
it seems like nothing is fine
I want the best for you
but you have to be willing to get help
The world is crashing all around
Why don't you turn that frown upside down
It ain't as bad as you think

And now I feel like a *******,
Called you up because I thought we were friends,
And now it seems like your belittling will never end.
I don't know if that was your attention,
To berate me like you were my dad,
But now I'm the one who is sad,
Wondering what gave you the right to
Think you can ever give advice on life?
I can't stand people who think they know
It all, they know Jack **** about nothing,
Always getting involved with my life,
Thinking they can control every aspect
Of what I say and do. They would rather
Look into my heart instead of their own,
It displeases them when I am content, it
Makes them sick to think I'm getting along
Without them. So, what the hell is going on
Here, I can't swallow your truth, or what you
Believe is true. I have my own beliefs and it
Sure as **** doesn't involve you.

**** this and **** that
It's all ******* anyway
I would like this and that
But we all have to pay
Wouldn't it be nice
If there were no killings
No wars to fight in
No murders on the streets
But that's not the way it is
Have to be ******* politically correct
Or get shot for using your imagination
The times are hard, so ******* scary
Will there be any brootherhood among us?
So much hatred, so very little peace
Too many people along the sidelines not to trust
But that's the way it goes, it time to get used to it
Make the most out of it, carry a ******* gun
I'll protect my family before I'll protect you
I'll **** someone ******* with them and
Not even think twice, does that make me
A madman or is it self-preservation?
So it's a matter of survival than anything else
It is the times, get ******* used to it!

There is a moment, something ******* stopping me
Some kind of a ******* force, I can't ******* explain it
What I want to say and do, which would cause me turmoil
Isn't so hard not to say and do these things, like a few seconds
has been added to rescue me from ******* stupidity
I want to punch my co-worker, such a *******
the way he treats me is that I'm his ******* *****
these few seconds are very precious, I hold my tongue
and ball up my fist. I take it up the *** instead of making
matters worse and winding up in prison
This guy needs to be ******* punched, some people just ******* deserve it. This guy surely does. But wherever this force comes from I'm not going to question it because it saves me from the anger within

Feeling stupid
to think you could ever love
a man like me
I gave you everything
and it still wasn't enough
You wanted my pride
My dignity
How much I cried
to find out you were never alone
You had your, "friends"
Never once did I say
to give **** up
But you went away
and I strayed away
Now I'm the *******?
What a ******* hypocrite!
You would smoke it up
and I wanted to drink
But either way
I stayed away
Left you high and dry
And now I'm the *******?
when all you did was tease me
broke my heart a hundred times over
You knew what you was doing with me
It wasn't like we were playing house
And you wanted my soul
and everything in between
But mostly my money
a hundred dollars for crack
and like a ******* ******
I gave in
All because of your sexiness
I wanted in your pants
How can I be such a fool
to think we could be together?
to love?
to hold each other?
to whisper sweet things in our ears?
No, it turned out all wrong

The sun scorched my face
As I mowed a friend's lawn
I must of felt in place
I really didn't feel like a pawn
I had an unselfish motive
It was to be of help
I knew she wasn't able to
So I mowed the green grass
And my selfish side was at
Peace at last for the time being
I thought of someone else for today
And my selfishness went away
My selfishness that has me down
But for today it isn't so noticeable
And it put a smile on my face
Knowing I was of service today

Blaming you ain't going to do any good
All my hatred towards you ain’t going to help matters
It's only going to make things worse
I know these things but I am having an issue
A problem with not killing you
You're a ******* predator
You're a ******* menace
Such a ******* disgusting human being
I wish you dead
I wish you dead a thousand times over
And if you you should die I'll raise you back
To life just to **** you again

I heard so many things
Don't know what's what
I was suppose stand by your side
But I chose to run away
And change my life all over again
I can do that now
But I choose not to
It's better to face my fears
Than to split town
Something I've done
Throughout my life
When it gets too hard
I turn out to be a *******

Two souls aloft these river bends
Crossing thresholds of purity water
Jaded by the love of longing friends
Into the night of lasting moments

Hollowness benign to the very end
Not delicate but much farther
Crashing together the nature of sins
Testimonials of how there became a dent

A little pin ***** upon the mind
Splitting open a scruptuleous mold
Diverted to a higher platform in time
Jaded love can't save these souls