It hard to see
How much of an
Idiot I can be
But in hindsight
I'm such a fool
Can be really rude
Need guidance in life
I reach for the stars
Discipline isn't that far
I need all the good energies
To provide solutions for me
And when I stay quiet
Breathe in the positive forces
The necessary power is there
For me not to live like the fool

The raindops have fallen more time than I wish it would
No snow to cover the ground the way I wish it should
The spirit of Christmas seems lost in our hearts
No forgiveness, just another depressing day to start
Where is this thing I have learned called love
Would it matter how many presents I give to you
Even the heavens are shedding their tears above
What does a person long for, what must he or she do?

The real me is a long way off, I've spent countless vain attempts to prove myself was macho or hero but honestly I was just saying to the world poor little me. I want your ******* sympathy for the way my life is, the only thing wrong with that is I caused all my ******* problems. There wasn't a day in the past that went by I was causing mayhem and destroying people's lives, making them believe I'm sobody when in reality I was just trying to hold on for dear life. I ended up almost homeless, not to mention the heartache I caused my mother, wondering if I was okay. She was dying of cancer and all she was concerned about if there was anything she could do to help me. Talk about unconditional love. Though I was an extremely selfish person, all I cared about was how I was going to get drunk. I have wasted so many years away that one more debauchel could finally be my ruin. I wish I could go back and fix my mistakes but I can't and that's the brutal truth. The idea that I can ever return to those times and change the things that happened has to be abandoned, the only hope I have is that I don't repeat the misery and havoc I caused, that in me there is a chance for survival and victory over this disease. I'm not saying I have been sober for years upon end, nor even a month if I want to be honest about it. But what I do hope is that I can live a life without hurting others, including myself. That I can finally grow the **** up and be the man God sees me as, not a coward trying to escape from life and causing misfortune along my way. That I can finally be the real me, without any additives.

I awaken to a brand new day
May the universe hold true
And find it's way to my heart
I'm mostly an arrogant *******
No humility within my soul
I take so much for granted
And it's hard to let go
I find the wrong in situations
Not looking for beauty
And my mind is so negative
May the universe find it's sway
Help me to get through this day
And I will surely do my part
What that consists of only heaven knows
But if I look to the universe
Surely things will get better

I felt something I never felt before
Was I dreaming or could it be a guiding light?
There I longed to be comforted some more
Rescued by the haziness of the night

It was once dark in here
Only a shimmer of the moon
Not much is really clear
The fog isn't lifting too soon

I cry out to the heavens
I get no response
I feel cold again
I feel lost

Then you appear in my life
Showing me which way I should go
I should call you an angel by this time
But there are many things I don't know

Are you a guiding light
Waiting right by my side
I turn and look into your eyes
Comforted is what I find

The darkness has no power
You caress my hand
Life is no longer sour
You let me understand

The direction I was going wasn't right
You was there to show me love
I will forever remember your insight
Your touch was soft as a dove

A whisper in the dark, the nighttime is a plague for-
Everyone to see, I look up to the heavens but my-
Heart is stuck in hell. The demons of my past are-
Haunting me, the goodness that once was isn't there-
Like it was in the beginning, just a very long way-
From home and the sunrise burns the spirit. I-
Reach out for help but no one is there, I"ve wasted-
Too much time on the belief that things are the-
Way they're suppose to be. I didn't buy into there-
Was ever hope for the tortured soul, not like I see-
People gaining some self-respect back, a smile-
Coming across their face and a life fulfilled. No,-
Here I sit brooding over my life, where I would be-
If I didn't waste years plungeing into the darkness.-
Now it seems my life will never be on track because-
I keep going down the same road as before. I need-
Direction in my life, wishing upon a star is just a-
Fool's dream, and nothing is the way it's suppose to-
Be.

So much agony,
I feel it over and over again.
The night crashes in around me,
And there's no peace to be had.
I feel a constant eerie feeling,
That something bad is going to happen.
I look around and have no faith in nothing,
So lonely am I with these sins.

There is a sound
It's the sweetest sound I know
It's when my baby girl says,
"I love you daddy"
Everything that is going on stops
My heart melts
And I know all will be well

The time creeps on
Nothing is attainable
It all evoperates when we die
Kissed by the darkness through
Moments that we pray are divine
A shooting star is wished upon
The magic of the spheres are like
A new beginning at dawn
A cut, some blood
We are cleansed by the flood
Changing our attitude, our tune
Hoping and praying that death
Won't knock too soon

These times are difficult
For getting by is a struggle
I wonder how to stay afloat
For hitting bottom is easy
But I think of how truly blessed I am, the great people in my life. That I wake up sober and clean, spent too much time in that kind of a life and now I'm free. So the struggles and pains of the day cannot compare to the hell I put others
Through and myself. So I'm grateful for the life I'm leading today, it isn't exactly where I wanted to be at but the Universe has its sway.

Seeing life flash before my eyes, the days collide with one another, causing a beautiful moment. My eyes are turned inward to how i'm feeling and chasing after the wind is a lone experience.

The words are hard to say
but it seems like that's all I've been saying
since I could walk and talk
How many times have I said them
without even knowing what they mean?
My actions speak volumes
and my mouth is a viper
I could not do it again
or I can tell you off
and make matters worse
But once I give in and surrender
to the fact I hurt you where these words
have to be said, trying to make right what
became wrong.

Here's my brain
It's gone ******* insane
So much ******* pain
I want it all to go away
But I know I'm only dreaming
Life wasn't made without difficulties
It's how I handle it today

Most of the time I want to run
Hide myself away, throw away
The ******* key, build a *******
Castle and a mote around me
Keep everyone out, I hate the
Hypocrisy

I know that's not possible
So how do I handle life today?

I write about this
I write about that
Some of it makes sense
Others are full of crap
I write about the pain
As I have experienced it
I write about the shame
And all of the *******

I grind my teeth
It should of never been that way
Life is a disease
And I'm catching a cold every ******* day

I try hard not to put out the flame
It fuels my pen that feeds upon the
Words I write in a given day

The world weighs heavy on my shoulders,
I can't seem to cut a break.
Everywhere I turn I come to a stand still,
and the course I take is a place I hate.
I try to jump through hoops to get ahead,
but the rope for me is way too ******* high.
I want to reach for the stars, that's as far as I will go,
trying to find a better ******* way, it just takes so slow.
I want to get rid of the heaviness on my mind,
it seems like the world has my number.
I feel like running the **** away,
I'm a wizard when it comes to disappearing,
try to cactch up with me now world,
I'll change my address again and again,
just to let everyone know I ******* hate being played with.

I can't ******* understand others
I wish I had clarity from my brothers
No, one works in the automobile field
The other is a preacher full of zeal
Wants to save everyone he can see
But they don't want any parts of me

I look at cars passing by
All the hustle and bustle
I am not one who drives
My past is such a trustle
Digging a hole for future events
I'm the one who likes to ******* vent
And all this mechanics can **** ******* ****
Too many ******* around here that take stock
They like to blow **** up your pants
Burn the wheels and let's all dance

I'm not one to believe your belief
I have my own ******* values
They may not be what you'll have me to be
And what I say is, "*******!"
I"ve gone down that road before
And it didn't make any sense
Got ******* baptized caused I was confused
Out there in a world I ******* spent
Now I want blood, it's what I dream of
So many ******* I hate their god
It ain't worth trying to preach to me
I've seen it all on both sides of the ******* fence

Sitting by the wayside,
catching a glimmer of hope,
an inner voice, a calling,
telling me to climb this mountain,
and scream, "I want die alone."
It makes it to my lips,
but the clouds roll in,
darkening the morning sky.
Fear of the end,
comes across my mind,
and the words slip back inside.
Why, oh why,
the discretion?
If only I had courage,
like brave soldiers I see,
I would live my life so justly,
and stab the darkness in the heart.
But I can't climb this mountain all alone,
I need help to make it to the top.
I need a sword to stab the darkness,
and never make it a part of my life again.
So I can scream out from the mountaintop,
"This isn't the end of me!"

My anger
Brings out the worse in me
I want to punch walls
Break ****
I want to yell
In fact, I've done these things
Acting like a two year old
Throwing fits because I can't
Get my own way

The days are numbered
It feels all the same
Why all the busyness
Just driving me insane
Can't escape the illusion
Of wandering days
Time runs deep
And then slips away

It's so much easier to hate
Than to cultivate peace, love, and faith
Why should I care about the hereafter
Living day to day is hard enough
I see all the many disasters
And I realize it's tough
Like men and women before me
It's too demanding to live religiously

You're nothing but a *******
You can't deny it, nor savor it
You're not a savior by the conventional sense
And all these strivings to be high and mighty
Makes you look like a fraud nonetheless
You take advantage of others
Breathe out toxic waste
Fumes of **** coming from every pore
So I don't want to be bothered by you no more
I hope you get what you deserve
Karma has a better way of finding you
Then do these words

I became complete
When I put away childish things
But I became transcended
When I could play like a child
Have a kid at heart
And speak with complete condor

Sending out a prayer to the Universe
Hoping my friend will survive cancer
He had it once before and beat it
Now it returns in full force
And wants to **** him
He's going through treatment
Very weak in his battle against it
I pray he won't give up
For he has been a treasure in my life
And in the lives of others
I pray this prayer find it's way
To the right force and cures his ails

I see my reflection in the mirror,
The ghost of the past makes my lines unclear.
It is unhelpful to praise my ego,
Though it is what makes me flow.

I see myself trying to find peace,
But choas is more a life for me.
Through the bustle of society,
I choose to make it all I can be.

I find it harder to be kind,
But it does make me feel good.
When I choose to do what's right,
There is more love and brotherhood.

I try not to make myself a phony,
But there are times I fall short.
It's reality to find treasures of the heart,
And become a sensitive being doing his part.

I can't look into your eyes
You know me so well
You know when I lie
And when I don't
Much of me isn't right
But you don't judge
You look at my good qualities
And you want to be a part of my life
I don't deserve you
But you don't care
You tell me you love me
that you'll always be there
To catch me when I stumble
You're such a true friend
I can look into your eyes now
Knowing you'll be with me till the end

It's what I know,
pain and misery.
I've given it to myself,
****** myself over,
trying to be someone I'm not.
I've hurt so many,
a path of destruction in my wake.
I reach out to you,
but there is no forgiveness in your eyes,
just bitterness and hate.
I can't back down,
I want to break free,
find a better way
and live life peacefully.
But that's only a wish,
and wishing are for fools.
I've been a fool for so long,
I don't even know what's real.
I know others like to **** with me
and that's okay because they're
leaving someone else alone.

I'm ******* myself,
trying to adjust.
I can't turn back now,
in God I trust.
it might not be the way you want it
but that's just how it is.
I realize you don't like it
or you wouldn't of said anything.
You want me to act a certain way,
and are angry when I don't give in.

But here I am,
take me as I am,
or just leave me be.
I can't please everyone,
nor do I wish to.
Finding hope in something,
It's what matters today.
I don't have to put on an act,
and leave this place and run away.
I can honestly stay,
and face whatever comes my way.

It's not about me
why can't I see?
It's about you today
what can I do
to make you feel better
to put a smile on your face
and wipe the tears away
from your eyes when you're down?
To make you feel alive
and vibrant in life
to hold your hand when
there are struggles and strife
Why can't I see
it's not about me?
It's all about the family

Was it just a dream?
Now I am questioning it
So many ******* days
Has gone by without a word
I call you up
But you don't answer
You don't return my calls
Now I'm getting ******
Was it something I've said
Or haven't said?
I thought we'd be together
For a little while longer
But I guess that wasn't so
Now I'm left wondering
Months go by
And I'm still pondering
Beating myself up inside
The ******* I come to realize
It wasn't that all right
Just two lost souls
Trying to make sense out of life

The pain isn't as bad as I assumed it would be, living alone with my thoughts dancing around like a waltz in my head. I have survived many battles, the ones I have given to myself. Oh, the insidious insanity that it would be different this time, I held on for as long as I could. I wish for others not to undertake such a problem but rather live in the solution. It's so much better to have a good attitude about things than try to control every situation there is. Wishing all that I am to be is a reflection of the man that holds values in his blood.

I see you trying to play the badass
In a Japanese car, I would have to
Only laugh and say you ain't going far
So many ******* juveniles clamor for this and that
They only have to ask their mommies and daddies
For **** that their too lazy to do themselves

Get me this, get me that
I want this, I want that
Christmas comes and they get it
Because if they don't they'll throw a fit
A ******* disrespectful fit to their parents
No kid has any ******* respect anymore
What the **** happen to respect your elders
No, they would rather steal from them
And push them out in front of a bus

I say punish these kids
Take away everything the parents bought for them
Because they feel guilty they didn't grow up with
Much of anything. And if that doesn't work
Use the ******* belt on these ungrateful pukes

Have you ever considered life
What it all means
There has to be a purpose
A love able to touch the soul and mind
An effect takes place
To all that is in form
To stretch out caring hands
And become unified with the Universe

Everyone is looking down
Staring into their phones
No face to face in and around
So isolated in their homes

What will we do next
Does it bring better communication
Is it a curse or a hex
A bedevilment of our nation

Taking pictures and sending them
Is really cool in my perspective
Is it an original sin
Or does it fall in a good objective

Technology is reaching the stars
Finding knowledge we couldn't find elsewhere
Holding moments of what we are
And taking these unspoken words to new heights

I haven't said a ******* word
So many unpleasant things I've heard
I'm one to think the ******* worse
Don't know why, lock me away in a hearse
Crazy as it may seem, life isn't a dream
How my consciousness slips into eternity
Just by looking at nature and it's beauty

I haven't said a ******* thing
Not in any particular direction
It hurts when my words start to sting
And I start to float on these wings
Wishing I was at peace with everything
But there is just too much *******
So much **** I can't seem to get over
So I'm fed up with it,  so ******* tired of it
Can't move forward until I get over it

Buying time
I don't know why
I don't want to tell the truth
Of how I lost my mind
I look at you
And you seem put together
Like nothing bothers you
I on the other hand
Can't accept life
No, can't accept the way
Things are
I try and I try
But it's a useless cause
A useless attempt
I want to be for sure
Though I know I'm not
I feel like the world is on
My shoulders and I can't
Get this monkey off my back

The day whistles in a breeze,
coming in through a crack in the window.
The bright curtains move ever so slightly,
and I'm able to see the snow.

It's a dreary morning,
grey clouds jostling for position.
I turn to look at you,
but you're no where to be found.

Was I dreaming,
and all was well with us?
The yesterdays seems like a distant memory,
and I'm too scared to think about them.

I want to find a rose,
and give it to you.
Let you know how much you mean to me,
but the pedestals just crumble to the ground.

I wonder where you are,
I seemed to have misplaced  my feelings.
My heart beats a loneliness inside,
and the thought of losing you comes to mind.

I hear the whispers inside my head,
reminding me that our relationship turned into clay.
I never thought it was the beginning of the end,
and here I sit crying on valentine's day.

Goodness eludes me
I wallow in self-pity
The night closes in
As the sun says goodbye
The tears from my eyes
Hurts no one today
Sometimes I wish
The pain would go away
But it's only a dream
To hope for renewal
Where are the rewards
Of doing the right thing?
It's nothing to expect
Just a lost cause
From a moment's notice
To dying for relief
As this veil of darkness
Ceases to be in me

Simplicity is an art
Stillness hard to repeat
Facing a yearning heart
Quietness hard to release

Lost in the chaos
An image of a confused time
A feeling of misguided trust
Holding onto a verse of one's life

Into the sun, I bathe to proclaim
The beam of rights and liberties
I call out thy name
But all was just a dream

Into the void of desolation
The men are at a stand still
I hear thy proclamation
And it isn't by their will