i've been craving
the sensation
of
satiation
in being

who i am
makes lesser sense
with each

overturned

rock
that leads to
an
epidemic

of revelations
and patience
in my wait for
illumination

on topics
i didn't even know
were relevant.

each endeavor
i meet
quietly
quaking
with
significance -

waiting
for it all
to be
realized,

each person
a character
vital
to an end
brooding
in
gestation.

i am a queen.
a seductress.
a coyote in the darkness.

a healer.
a guide.

a friend.

i am a person
unaffected
by the world
of
labels,

living within
this all
but
without.

--

it's a charming game,
a sweet, sweet dream,
this life thing,
gifted to us.

takin' it
one step
at a time
with each
step
more alive,

and
to think,

yesterday
i spent sleeping

through it
all.

hello.
hi.
how are you today?
ok, as usual i guess.
just ok?
yep.
would like any tea or water?
no thank you.
ok. well, how was your weekend?
fine i guess, i went out with schuyler and his girlfriend and austins girlfriend. i guess their friends now. we went to the beach. i didn't eat anything and drank all day so i work ****** the next day.
you don't sound very enthusiastic, didn't you have a good time?
sort of, cora brought a friend and i apparently wooed her somehow.
well that's exciting. are you interested in her?
not really.
why?
i don't know. she seems really nice and smart, i just don't have any real motivation to go through all the dating hurtles right now.
can you explain?
(long exasperated sigh) i'm just tired of being disappointed. the person i'm in love with dosen't love back anymore, i don't really want anyone else and the idea of meeting some new person that somewhere down the line will tell me i'm "perfect" and then leave when i've invested myself into them sounds pretty awful.
what about all the parts of dating?
what about them? i guess i'm just tired of going out with people and thinking of willa the entire time. it makes me feel boring and crazy. i try to hide it and not focus on it and you know what happens? i get asked like 4 times a day if theres something bothering me. i'm just too transparent.
i understand, how you feel but you have to move on.
i know that. i want to. i deleted my facebook, my tumblr, i took down all the things she gave me and put them in a box, believe me, i'm trying. but despite everything, i have these moments where some random little thing reminds me of her, a song, a youtube video, a street, something someone says. and all i can do is think of how amazing she is and how much it hurts to not have her in my life.
...
i understand.
...
how was sunday?
...
...
i'm tired of them.
why?
i don't really feel like talking about it.
(light scoffing sound) well, i hate to break this to you gil, but that's kind of why your here.
(slight smirk) yeah i guess that's true. i'm tired of them because of they make feel fake. i have to be this different person that is nice and helpful and almost chipper. and it ***** when im in a bad mood and i just have be that way anyway.
does pretending ever trick you into being happy?
not really.
do you like your job?
sometimes. 60/40 these days. but since the breakup, i have to see her pretty much every sunday which kind of *****.
really? that must be difficult. why do you say "kind of *****"?
its a bitter sweet thing. i like seeing her cause she was my best friend and the person i loved more than anyone and its nice reminder that all it was real but at the same time its a reminder of how its gone now.
plus she doesn't get it.
what do you mean?
i don't know, shes just so ok with everything. we're on apposing ends of it all and i bet she doesn't even think about me anymore.
i'm sure that's untrue.
yeah maybe. i don't know. she just seems so happy whenever i see her and i wish it was cause of me.

end

There is a place for me
Somewhere beyond my mind
Or maybe within my mind
Somewhere just for me

A place to cry
When my heart needs to most
A place to hide
From a world of pain

Somewhere to think
About the worlds mysteries
Somewhere I dont have to smile
When I'm not happy
Somewhere open
For when I'm yearning to be free

A place of beauty
A place of dreams
Somewhere there is a place
Just for me

Women sit on the laps of drunken men
Each man has claimed his *****
Only one man sits alone
Nursing a bottle of Jack

His eyes downcast and shadowed
Are filled with fire and doubt
A fire that burns sharp and bitter
Much like the liquor in his mouth

Woodsmoke covers the sweet smells
Of *** and Black and Milds
As all fly higher, they care less and less
The energy becomes primal and wild

Slowly they separate in groups of two
Each pair to find a tent of their own
The clearing empties, the fire dies down
And only one man is left alone

Dreamless sleep - the dusky Eagles
nightlong rush about my head,
man's golden image drowned
in timeless icy tides. On jagged reefs
his purpling body. Dark
echoes sound above the seas.

Stormy sadness' sister, see
our lonely skiff sunk down
by starry skies:
the silent face of night.

What keeps you awake at night
Mathematical formulas which make wrong right
Do little planes flying above
Interrupt the little dreams you love

Are nooses plaid, are comforters warm
Do mass produced mattresses break the norm
Is your pillow made with feathers, can you answer the question why
Where, and tell me when, do old people die

In a house with no roof, I stare through ceilings glass
They keep out the rain so I can stare into the past
Every star is dead but I don’t keep corpses alone
Somewhere you’re awake too and I know we’re looking home

(Chorus)
Blue tape holds the crack
From falling apart through the back
Opaque handle
To a wooden cross candle
As spinning rooms concur
I think too much of her
So many thoughts clogging my head
Gotta clear them out with a canister of lead

Somewhere there is sanctuary I can rest at
Somewhere there is a rabbit inside a top hat
I know with a wave of the wand she will appear
Clad in the purest white and the crowd will feel no fear

Over my shoulder there is a map and a sign
The road leads two places, one less divine
I don’t know which I came, or where I’m going to
But I pray that on this road I’ll meet up with you

Over my shoulder spar the devil and the god
And I distance myself from both betrayers very odd
When the devil wins, he’ll come chasing after me
At no sanctuary can I rest; sleep is not to be

(Chorus)
Blue tape holds the crack
From falling apart through the back
Opaque handle
To a wooden cross candle
As spinning rooms concur
I think too much of her
So many thoughts clogging my head
Gotta clear them out with a canister of lead

So who is your devil and how far did he go
Did you let him leave a mark, do you let the marks show
Do you measure every man by the bruises and the kisses
When do you decide he’s worth it, after the hits or the misses

Do you sleep because you’re scared, do you sleep because you’re ready
Do you sleep at all, are earthquakes steady
When you break down is someone else holding the hammer
Do you confide in no one or do you confide in stammer

Faith is like a flame and your body is the wax
But the candle cross burns because wood pays less tax
Have you lost it all, is life now a game
When you dream of me do you see my face or hear my name

(Chorus)
Blue tape holds the crack
From falling apart through the back
Opaque handle
To a wooden cross candle
As spinning rooms concur
I think too much of her
So many thoughts clogging my head
Gotta clear them out with a canister of lead

In order to hold on are you addicted to escape
Can I be your drug; may I be your blue tape
My words are sincere when I say this is no cut and paste
I could always love you and my belt stays on my waist

You could banish demon, you could banish heaven and hell
You could hold my hand and I’d have no tales left to tell
Maybe if you guide me I could leave my road behind
Imagine if you’d guide me, imagine what we’d find

Old people never die; they simply sleep forever
Maybe we can sleep too, if we lie down together
And so is our star dead, but it can be seen far away
Night is for sleeping but it’s brighter than day

have you ever set foot on thin ice?
heard the shattering sound of your only support
giving out from underneath you?
i have

how did you feel when you first plunged into that ice cold water?
were you pierced by sharp daggers
ripping through you?
i was.

did it happen to you again and again?
each time hoping the results would differ
hoping your heart wouldn't be torn out again?
i did.

did you get over everything that happened?
did you forget each dagger
that pierced your heart?
i won't.

Dark cascading whispers hide
within your serenity
from painful hours that have fallen
like leaves
in your sleep.  
If I could bury those hours
deep away from where you think
perhaps your heart would no longer suffer,
and your peace, you could keep.

Inside of a daydream or two
containing soothing moments,
I would love
to softly caress your hands
with the gladness in my heart.
I would send a smile to sit
inside the place that you call home
when your  eyes are open
and your visions
holding sharp.

I would dance upon your chest
with my naked soul,
if it would take away the painful hours
your mind continues
to be faithful to.  
Don't you know that life itself
has written your name
on everything known as me
and that I was born
to comfort you?

Sometimes the unseen embraces all I know
while my skin burns
from the tears of angels
falling continuously
as they face the darkness of voices
speaking within my heart.  
I get lost inside of my emotions
and find I've become devoted
to screaming winds  
that given precious time
could tear me apart.

I look down at my feet and wonder
if they even remember
where they have run
and if anyone knows of  their regrets
after splashing through the puddles
my passion led them into.  
And it seems
even if I place both feet together
I'm still bound
to face that old mirror
when the stitches of  my life
come unglued.