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Feel a scare
Every time I change the calendar
When on the last day of each month
I turn the page
Take it to the next day
Though today is still there.

I feel a little flutter
Seeing before me the next day
Only number content unknown
And mutter

*What if I ain’t there, hey?
Melodic…Mesmerizing…Symphonic words.
Taking me away, whisking me off my toes,
In my mind, my head tilts back, my arms transform to wings,
As clouds form and the angel sings.
The clouds, they move, and twirl me to the sun,
It’s blinding, blazing beauty blissfully moves me,
Not just physically, but emotionally.
I cannot let this be, my words will not be undone.

I cannot allow this vulnerability to consume me.
Tears shall never fall, arms will never wrap around me.
I will never be the weeping lady,
That so much, they threw aside.
Forever, they will try to break the clouds below your feet, to make you feel obsolete.

Clouds of love, clouds of dreams, clouds that make you want to cry,
Clouds blur the vision, clouds will lie…
Clouds shed tears you will never catch,
Clouds will never find their match,
Neither shall I; matches make fire, and fire makes you cry.

Melodic music, is what they speak,
Like sirens, I will crash the wreck that is me,
Wreck inside, I will not be transparent,
But I believe, perhaps blissfully, that I can be, oh so much more,
But I can’t keep closing door after door.

The way that bed of clouds did make me feel,
Drills around my brain in a desperate drumming beat,
I yearn for that feeling, yet fear it all at once.
How can you fight with ones own self?
Yet hope for the best?
Brooding, introvert, but that’s not me,
It’s just what I know I have to be.

Who’s to say that living in a bubble is wrong?
Yes, it will burst, and those inside feel forlorn.
You can find those inside again, all by yourself.

No world-wind weapons of intrigue to entice you to lay down your soul on a table,
I am not weak or feeble!
No one shall lie with me for they lie about me.
And sigh, I will let not it be.

I am happier alone,
Forlorn, lost and oh so sad,
Happy, in my day, however each day may be,
For who knows what tomorrow may bring,
And that’s just the one thing,
A kiss, A feeling, is it worth it all?
Please my dear darling, never ever fall.
when you run your fingers across my skin
be careful
for I have spent many sleepless nights
stitching myself back together
when people's words cut through me like daggers

and when you brush your lips against mine
be careful
I have so often bled venom from this mouth in my words
And I would hate for you to taste its sting

When you wipe the tear from the corner of my eye
be careful
It is not the last I will shed, there are many more
pricking at my eyelids, itching to be released

When you declare 'I love you' to me
be careful
I have heard it many times, none of which were true
If i hesitate saying it back, know that it is my lack of trust
not your lack of love for me

And when you hold me in your arms
be careful
I am all too likely to shatter, I am but a fragile thing
A bird, if you will; Hold me too tightly
and my little wings will break, hold me too loosely
and I will take flight for fear that pain will follow.
I know
that I know
what I know.

But I also know
there is a lot
that I don't know,

she says to me,
confidently.
 Nov 2013 jalalium
Love
Coming Out
 Nov 2013 jalalium
Love
Would you hate me?
Because I think you would.
Can I trust you enough,
With something so important to me?
You would leave me,
You would treat me different,
Everything would change...
But I'm telling you anyways,
I'm gay.
Earlier today
I was shaving my legs

It may be strange
But it doesn't happen much

I put my leg up
On the side of the tub

Starting smearing on the soap
All over my right left

This time was different
I noticed something strange

Little white lines
All over my leg

I thought they were gone
I must have done bad

I had never felt like this
So disappointed

A remi der of my pain
From many months ago

The scars from the razor
That released my pain

So how do I go on
Knowing what I did

Will they ever go away?
Dear God I hope so.

So maybe I should shave blind
To hide the hurt inside

I don't wanna see my mistakes
Ever again

But that's too bad
Have to move on

But every time I shave my legs
There'll be a reminder

Of  the things I've done
And what I've become.
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