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 Sep 2014 Jake McKowen
A couple years have passed since I crumbled Us,
Ripping Me from You with no whisper of warning.
A second love grows as life's pendulum circles, and
Eerily familiar memories caution me from darting
Into the same traps that I ensnared you with slowly.

My nose smells the fear of repeating old mistakes.
In this similar space, but different place and time,
My hands recoil from how I soiled your fresh heart,  
And my tongue tastes the sour reality of my crime,
Finding you at fault in my final moment of failure.

I drowned in the truth of how deeply you loved me,
And, it should have been returned with my eyes'
Gaze a little less harsh when I splintered apart We.
And you never deserved to be flooded in the proof
Of how I was not the saint you painted and framed.

My dear, first Love, if you are reading this, I'm sorry.
*"For now, know that I love[d] you and wish you the best.
I'm not sure when the pendulum will stop or where it
Will land in the long term, [for] still I am apparently no
Closer to understanding any [more] about love [than you]."
Dedicated to J.M.M.
Maybe one day we can be friends.
Copyright © 2013 Searching.
All Rights Reserved.
 Jan 2011 Jake McKowen
As a blaze of light pierces the sky and spans across the horizon,
You gaze upon opportunity without fear of being blinded
When an irresistible urge to reach for it with all your might
Sends you sprinting full force forward over the hurdles,
Pushing always onward until nothing can hold you back,
Not even the pain of the struggle, strengthening your resolve,
As you forget to miss all that was sacrificed for the journey
Because life is worth the chance to run among the wild horses.
You pause a moment to take in a breath and glimpse the beauty
Of freedom, hard-won and sacred, growing nearer with each day.
You race with wild stallions; their spirits carry you away.
Dedicated to J.M.M.
Copyright © 2010 Searching.
All Rights Reserved.
 Dec 2010 Jake McKowen
A flourish of color springs forth amid a pigeon gray background.
You hold my gaze, and, for a while, I'm frozen still. Captivated,
Perceiving only what I want to see, imperceptive to the cracks and scars,
-Any details at all that make you less perfect, less magnificent to behold.
So surely I cling to this fantastical vision, so hopelessly clear...
Just before the ink droplets' dark diffusion, the realization of  a flaw.
Jolting me into a stark awareness of it's presence -however minute-
And my distaste at it's presentation.  A fresh delight spoils
As this detail permanently disfigures the beauty that stood before.
And like a flutter of wings, all interest dissipates - the fantasy forever gone
From the vision of the entity I chose not to wholly look upon.
Copyright © 2010 Searching. All Rights Reserved.
 Sep 2010 Jake McKowen
I find comfort in our nightly routine
When I meet you knowing
That by dawn you will be gone
Leaving me with longing to
Watch the sunrise in your blue
Eyes which would gaze intently
Into my being. Happy to finally
lay at rest and feel your strength
Rise and fall steadily, experiencing
A true togetherness condensed
From souls entangled and lips locked
And heavy hearts burning passionately
Como agua para chocolate
Us two simple creatures were trapped
Happily, Intricately, knotted in a web
Fashioned by our own catastrophes
And triumphs made beautiful in every aspect
By you, intriguing me intellectually
Enthralling me emotionally.
Separated physically, I am broken
Yet tied to you as if planted
On solid ground for the first time,
With mind open to the universe.
Complex indeed, for that each night
I fall asleep in bliss to awake without
You, my arms empty, my soul
Empty, with a life otherwise so full, even
Overflowing. Time tortuously slowing
Until I feel dizzy and lost observing
A beautiful world, frozen cold, save for you
While Summer's rays burst forth
Just for you. I will endure for us two
Such small, complex creatures
Blinded by a hearts two sizes too
Large to even realize that
Life never goes as planned. At any time
Misfortune and joy may come completely
Unexpected, and I must accept my fate, and yet
For all my humble posturing, I am a fool
Foolishly trying to plan a future
With you so full of dreams cause
"I could love you for a million years" but
This bottled note bobs in a tortuous sea like
A light struggling in the shadowy,
Cold empty space, which my arms cannot
Embrace in the morning when yearning to hold
Nothing but a lover temporarily taken
From me with tears freeing sorrow
To last a life's time of longing he returns
Not too hardened and not too changed,
To me smiling as we meet again,  hoping
This time to feel the morning wind.
Copyright © 2010 Searching. All Rights Reserved.
 Aug 2010 Jake McKowen
At first pain
Then first breath
Life awakens to Life,
With tears protesting
This first Change.
Then growth starts  
A new mind mapping charts
Mastering wind, making waves
Learning like lightning
And wondering Whys.
In a world so vast
Each sensation overwhelms;
Each second impossible and new.
This world is yours
But you can't have it all
The first sorrow  subtly reflected in you.
Copyright © 2010 Searching. All Rights Reserved.
 Jun 2010 Jake McKowen
As raindrops meet pavement,
And propped on pillows elbows rest,
A blood rush to coy neck flush,
Under full moon, breeds blood lust;
A pair of tulips bridge new trust.

Falling from fear, us too,
With feelings heavy as clouds,
Slowly-panting-hip thrusts of pleasure
Furrows faces and sweaty brows
And upon long lashes hang dark shrouds.

Like soft pattering on the windowsill,
Firm bodies’ virility hands wish to reveal.
Kissing more intensely than heavenly
Droplets from sky hitting Earth’s dusty dirt,
Licking old wounds brings new meaning to hurt.

Surging like the sea; sails caught in this storm,
Crashing with the clashing of thunder,
Wrecked, yet we rest, two victims of flesh.
To love making love, to love death's caress,
Spills our seed in the soil with no hope left to spoil.
Copyright © 2010 Searching. All Rights Reserved.
 Jun 2010 Jake McKowen
D Conors
"One is at last killed by what one loves violently."
--Guy De Maupassant

During the nights when I cannot seek the sanctity of
sleep,for it does not come over me until the
deadly light of daybreak;
I listen to the still, small voice
calling out from the cracked, crumbling and
plaster firmament hanging over me--
a proverbial coffin-lid
to close in over me, nailed tightly
with antique copper spikes
to keep
the good dreams

I am so often told in tones
echoing sad and
in the O Holy Night,
to write
the elegy of insanity
from my feet
these ***** blankets,
working its way to my throat
where lies my stifled
that engulf the labored breathing
as my tender, simple
threatens to explode.

Tossing a pillow against the
painted wall, I utter
a course *"*******"

to the weathered, unwashed window
by my head
that pounds;
needing the soothing
song-sounds of
whiskey, scotch or
lukewarm beer to revive
burning soul as
     i lay me down
     to die,
     i pray to nothing
     and embrace the lies

O, the lies...

I can scarce recall
a time of peace and
laying lonely in your arms,
with regret I had to
your sour lips
perfumed bitter with stale smoke,
***** and other such things like

...this nowhere outside goiing,
The Wheel of Misfortune,
the agony of armies in
the ****** of the mind,
the birth
of Jesus, Muhammad, Krishna
and the plastic
Elvis Presley poking up
off your dusty dull-blue dashboard
like the other man's
***** you left
for mine.

on these and every sleepless
forever nights
     I know,
I show that
O, still, small voice
the things
we refuse to see,
and maybe after it's all over
will sing myself to sleep.
D. Conors
(checking my dusty files for a draft that may have a date. I think this was composed in the late 1980's)

— The End —