You're really lovely underneath it all
Aside from your temper everything is secure
You're no good for me baby, of that I'm sure
There's times where I want something more
Someone more like me
I've seen right through and underneath
And somehow I'm full of forgiveness
I guess it's meant to be

I'm so sorry that I've fallen
Help me up, let's keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love
Be the one I need
Be the one I trust most,
Don't stop inspiring me
Sometimes it's hard to keep on running
We work so hard to keep it going
Don't make me want to give up

You and me, we used to be together, everyday together always
I really feel like I'm losing my best friend
Can't believe this could be the end
Don't speak, I know what you're thinking
& I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts
Our memories, they can be inviting
But some are altogether mighty frightening
It's all ending, gotta stop pretending who we are

You were the first to want me
The first to love
The first to need me
If you only knew what you gave to me
And you were the first I trusted
I learned what love is
When we were just kids
Thank you for those special moments
You will always be here, in my mind
Did you know you changed my life?
I'm thankful for that time

You gave me a ring
It was sapphire in silver
Between soft flesh
Connected to a lifted furry arm,
On a leaned forward body
On a bent knee
On black asphalt
Under dimly lit lights
After hours
With beautiful brown eyes
Lips that moved without noise
Just silent magic that I could not
Hide my teeth from
& I said yes, while I shook
Because I knew for months
That it was you forever

But things change every day
& the only thing that stays the same
Is love
If it's true enough
If you're true enough

That sapphire is just a memory
Replaced by a sapphire in our hearts
At least in mine
The toughest stone for the toughest heart
& the strongest love ever known

Okay so I drank a little
in my donald duck shot glass
and woo my McAllan that I bought in *******
September and it's still half full
or half empty, whatever.
**** this is how I talk after a "few" drinks
and I'm light like a freakin' feather, you've got that right.
I love No Doubt -- and I love dancing
so that's what I'm doing
and I can't type very well and my contacts
are blurry

now I see what all the hype is about!!!!



NOT

Two bottles of Southern Comfort, Black Keys on iTunes, profile picture with sister, stir-fry, 30 Rock, Gorillaz poster, pancakes at 3 am, spontaneous lunch at Barone, friends with benefits, need a hug, Columbus Day, touch my ****, too much tongue, crumpled into wall in the morning, Urban Outfitters for a t-shirt, silver medal, free Dominos, Workaholics at 12, secret sleepover #2, ******* because i thought that's all he wanted from me and i wanted him to stay, hickey on my neck, studying in a room with the round table, drew a horse on the whiteboard, fill out a police report, Redgates from Firehouse, he looks cute today. Tackled into metal, did I break my back? Jump on it, it's not funny, I'm crying, cold beer, kiss on the porch, stop kissing me in 12, *******, more kissing, blood everywhere, come over, comb through hair. you can stay over again, skips class, uses my shower, makes the bed, come with me to doctor. Vermont secret, Batmobile, on Prius, dune buggies, Phantom Menace, brother-in-law, supermarket in Newfane, stir-fry, statement at 6am. Hurricane, in my basement, halloween at the fire station, knitted scarf headpiece, mother's phone number, red gate sandwiches by Citi Bank across from library. Confirmation party, Chartruese, Coldplay at Mohegan, Torches, enchiladas, screaming, stuffed wolf, comic book finishing touches at 1 am, new roommates, L.O.L., I was going to propose to you - in the hallway, 3 month long orchids, Vermont trip #2, no riding allowed, nap by the fire, bare butts touching over unscented blanket, sapphire ring too big under lamppost in parking lot, happy. Sarasota, hide my eyes with Mosley Tribes, take a walk without me, Game of Thrones, cold sand, hair dryer joke, need eye drops, Ringling Mansion, gator bites, silent walk by traffic, kayak in shallow water, families too different, bike ride to tune of Star Wars, nervous about the summer, panic into shoulder on flight home. ******* in the middle of the night, drive around campus, leave me alone, pack up N-64 games, fight before final presentation - only one group gets an A, instant milkshake and magazines to pass the time, make a pizza, here let's make out again - apparently that isn't so bad, almost forgot my friesian mug and vase by the trailer. Texting *****, sick stomach, Lord of the Rings, try smoking, Magic: The Gathering, first communion, wedding, Chip's Family restaurant, high school graduation that I couldn't sit at, Miya's with the mini *****. Fireworks on hill through trees. Retna laptop with blue cover, HGTV's Next Design Star, I have to leave. this is where I stop.

Baby blue cushion with the fabric ties, painting rocks with orange and blue on newspaper, got a glob on the wood only rain can wash away. Clean the glass out with q-tips, squeaky clean, tap remains into ceramic bowl made in 3rd grade, medium blizzard with M&Ms; and Reece's peanut butter cups, a burger at that hotdog place featured on Martha Stewart with bacon bits, colored pencils, Barbie coloring books, Jeep keeps stalling in front of my house, don't eat my burger, Ellie and Duncan, full bag of mini peanut butter cups, South Park, Heavy Metal, The King of Limbs - eh, JWoww, Cupcake Wars, the Big Dipper, aqua colored bikini with a magazine full of pictures, videotape my monologues, short hair, sundresses, Nike shorts and tank tops. Mini with a pen in parking lot in Norwalk, feet in the pool water, ants, smelly dog, big house in New Canaan, white Audi A4, drive with the Mosley Tribes from Loehman's for $75 -- a steal, scotch tape on toenails, purple, blue, and green polished stripes, church parking lot on Duck Farm

I'm not like you
               and it *****.
Here I am in the cluster
Where we all look the same &
We all come from the same places
                                              but we aren't.
& I'm alone here,
Making mental pictures of things that aren't
            sloppy
        fuzzy
               or colorful
In that way that makes you all smile
I don't smile, I only see
& it makes me feel alone because
                                                         ­           I know
I am

There might be others but they aren't
Me

I am completely              different

I've given up looking for someone to be like me
& bring me happiness like the
happiness you all receive
from the things that
I don't do

Here's to acceptance that happiness for me
will never be
conventional or even
                                                   real
                                                         existent
                                                                ­      cheers
[with the solo cup of water]

I have been cheated on. He shares me with her. She is a pretty little girl. She has pretty little outfits of purple and pink and green and she always smells clean. He is gentle to her, with his touch and his lips. He smiles when she’s sweet and he laughs when she’s rough. If I hurt him, he lets me go; if she hurts him, he blames himself. She’s very good at breaking the ice when he wants a new friend and in a matter of time he is sharing her with them but he would never share me. He buys her lavish gifts of stained glass and painted ceramics. He spends all his money on her and his pocket is empty for me. I watch my diet while he shares all the sweets in the world with her. (It must be a passionate way to make love.) He tries to hide her from me, but I can smell her perfume in his hair and I can smell her scented gloss on his lips, and I know when his eyes are twinkling from something more than me. When it is the three of us, he always picks her first and he’ll pick her again and again until she’s all worn out. Some people may think she’s no good, she’s a poison, he should break it off, but others congratulate him for scoring such a beauty. That smile she brings to his face and everyone else’s who breathes her in. I have always been second but he is my first. I do not share him with her, though I think I should. If I want to fit in, if I want to be happy, if I want him to love me more. She’ll never break his heart.

On a Tuesday afternoon
we are all in one place so
an outing is long over-due.
Let’s go out for drinks, I suggest
and we agree—as long as we can wear whatever.

On a Tuesday night
I pick the girls up, avidly
avoiding the gaze of your window
in a building forced to live above you.

In Geronimo’s on a Tuesday night
I order ‘Red Sun’, she orders ‘Spicy Blood Orange’
& the other orders wine.
Mine is pink—it’s too strong, no more please.
Well you said ‘for drinks’! they complain
as if I’ve betrayed a pact.

She orders another, ‘Appaloosa Sangria’
and she’s so tiny when the waitress looks at my full glass
—Embarrassing.
I hate the sliding bathroom door where I am
alone with my thoughts for 2.7 minutes but
I’m antsy—time to go

In my Audi on a Tuesday night
I want dessert; I want a donut.
Dunkin it is.

In Dunkin Donuts on a Tuesday night
Tiny tells me she wants to cuddle
sometimes. She’s drunk.
I order a chocolate glazed donut to a poor man with Hispanic features
who is working alone
The homeless lady won’t stop talking and we wont stop laughing
in the Dunkin bathroom.
I heard everything, she says as we leave and giggle in terror.

In my Audi on a late Tuesday night
I don’t want to go back to school yet—I have an idea.
Post Road is empty; I’m hyper-aware
of the black Dodge pick-up driving past.
I don’t question if it’s you.
Did you see me?
Of course you saw me, my car is
unavoidable; it’s **** & white.

In The Grape on a late Tuesday night
there is no one I know so I trail
Wine and Tiny trails me.
I know friends of friends, say Hi, hi, hi
You look cute, so do you! Yay! hug Okay bye, bye, bye
Tiny drinks another with Wine and I’m still
sober where I want to be,
making memories without you, ha.
But it’s time to go back to hellhole and these people kinda ****.

In my Audi for the last time on a late Tuesday night
Mahan lot full, duh.
Quick Center lot full, duh.
Bellarmine lot full, ****!
Regis lot—Where’s your car? It’s got to be here . . .
black Dodge pick-up backed in nicely, I wish I could park beside.
What did you do on a Tuesday night?
Regis lot full, are you kidding?
Tiny has motion sickness, she’s quite a drag
I wonder if my friend nearby, with the golf cart, can drive us back
But **** it, we can walk ten minutes in the cold ‘cuz
I’ve got my jacket and gloves.

In McInnes on a late Tuesday night
Wine goes to bed, Tiny calls for a reinforcement
who is waiting at our door.
Questions with an upward inflection fill my bedroom as if she can’t
take care of herself—her support can barely support himself.
I write a long note to you on my computer on my bed because you ****.
I get a Do you mind if Support sleeps over just this once to make sure I’m okay? text
Which means I won’t get sleep due to overweight heavy breathing
Fine, I’m backed into a corner.
& I know that after my third attempt of slumber, I will end up crying
on the couch in the living room. I should have stayed home.

On an early Wednesday morning
I stuff a bag of clothes, my retainer case, and Berner & Holes and
I power-walk to my car in Jogues—7 minutes, probably or less
& drive the 5 minutes home before the tears fall.
There’s a cop parked beside Pine Creek Deli,
I wonder if he wonders why an Audi is up so late.

In [address] on an early Wednesday morning
my dad is in his boxers in the middle of the stairs.
What are you doing? he asks and I snap back because
Isn’t it obvious what someone would be doing at 2:43 am?
My bed is quiet and my mind is loud wondering—
Did you have fun tonight? for the both of us.

Creatures need me to breathe
I can be big in one piece
I can be small in many pieces
I make things better
I become addictive
When I melt, I don't disappear
You can't always see me through the eye
Too much of me can be distasteful
But I'm usually your friend
To blanket a mess you made

What am I?

There were shells along the break between sand and water
Pink, grey, blue, purple, and white stuck together in the wet sand
I told myself I'd take one before I left
One caught my eye -- purple glass but it was broken
I put it back down and kept walking

Another caught my eye
It reminded me of a blue whale -- dark blue with white on the tip
I held it in my hands, the inside cupped the wet sand
I waited with it in my stretched out arm for the sea to soak up the sand
The water was cold, it was one of the first warm days of late winter

I brought the shell with me up the hill of sand and stared off into the grey sky
The shell in my hand, it had a chip I didn't see before
Maybe it just got there or maybe I refused to notice it
I pressed my thumb onto the thin surface and
Crack
The shell snapped in half

I found it
I took care of it, cleaned it, cradled it
It was broken to begin with and I chose not to notice
Then I wanted to test its fate until it broke in two
And I threw it into the open sand, away from the others

BuzzFeed, Twitter, Facebook, & Hello Poetry
Hockey games, Cross Country stats, & Big Gulps
45 computer screens, 8 light fixtures, Google Earth, & stock board
Squeaking and stomping, should I close the door?
Hard to hear what's under the mustache from back here
Candy, gold fish, green tea, raisins, ****** pretzels,
& I should've brought a Cadbury creme egg
There's a ******* screen in front of my face...
Lots of scrolling, so distracting
That knuckle crack was really loud, oops.
He says be realistic aka don't think you'll get your dream
Oh yes, I will -- I laugh inside
I'm not like you.
My nail biting is loud and it's gotten bad this semester
So bad that teachers think I'm raising my hand to speak
I shake my head, no, rosy cheeks, hot face, let me just eat my nails please.
I don't know what I'd do without my parents because they know everything about surviving...
& Tumblr too
Why are you putting your footprint on a school computer?
I remember when we wanted to live in this area because we loved our families so much -- sacrifice for school systems, families, and safety blankets
The skin on my nose, it burns from tissue overdose
Thank god for Vaseline - feels good on the surface
What's it like to have a student loan?
What the hell are these yellow stains on my sweatshirt -- looks like pollen
My house is for sale
"You tell me life isn't that hard"
"Will you stand above me? Look my way, never love me?"

Static.
I'm losing reception in here
Why is there a nail in my skull
Pound! Pound! Pound!
It's in there pretty deep.

Saran wrap.
Around my heart and it's
Pulling tight, tight, tight
Yeah, the air's getting shallow
It's um, kind of hard to breathe.

Carousel.
Goes round and round, round and round
The pictures moving up and down
Oooh, how pretty, how creepy
Get me off this ride?

I don't want to be here anymore
I don't want to be here anymore
Why am I so weak
It's so fun -- it's so easy
Everyone feel bad for me, now please

Do you still love me?
Uh, why? I'm incessant
I do not stop
I am not safe here

Safe
Saaaay
Fuhhh....ck
Dude I like, can't and I don't even care
This isn't a poem anymore
Let me go

This battle is every day. There is a battle every ******* day. I stopped wearing armor, so the wounds are deeper -- I can't even bare to be out in that field. Once I am, I retreat as quickly as possible and I cry as the soldiers fight in my place, accepting that I cannot help them. So much pain to endure each day. Physical pain. My body is strong, building layers by nightfall that get ripped off the next day. I've been here so long, I forgot what my life was like. My parents, how they cry for me, terrified for the day that will end all. My friends have forgotten me, why would they remember? I left them to fight a war I did not want part of. I wanted peace my entire life. Peace. Is there no end to this madness? Cliche as ****. My eyes are closing, I am weak tonight. I have chosen refuge rather than the field where my colleagues win Purple Hearts and medals of courage. Good for them. They fear nothing, they are the best of us. But we hide. I cannot always lift my sword to the enemy, I cannot.

She is so . . . boring
She sits and stares and reads and eats
She likes simple things
She calls herself a hermit --
To bury the truth of friendless, perhaps?
Empty in her eyes, small lips, pale face
A harmless thing never bothered me so much

She is so . . . empty
She lives through another, who has no life either
Two empty lives do not equal one full
She has no friends, though she counts me as such
Her fairytale is almost through
She wasted the years of finding something
And ended with nothing

She is so . . . loud
And bright, unlike me
Her words make you cringe but she cares
She takes me away from comfort
To a place I've always wanted to be
She's easy to charm, so easy to annoy
It depends on the day

I am so . . . lost
I am waiting for life
This is not where it ends, I know
The beginning is soon --
Almost there, I think
At least I learned to love
I am going to the other side, stay here and watch

They told me that I need to let you go
No one wants us together
-- I think they want you for themselves

You are my best friend
Since I can remember
Life without you
Doesn't seem real

Rattling in tubes, pressing onto my tongue, melting down my throat
Hard, smooth on my fingers,
Flecking onto my face while I lick the cold
Bins meant for days, I devour in one
Bars meant for friends, I do not share

I never blamed you when the shakes came
& my life fell apart
You were my savior -- I thought
You took care of me, warmed my heart

You and I, never alone
No one understands us
Some accept us, yet they raise
An eyebrow at my appearance

I am an anomaly for dating you
Your other suitors didn't look so well
I pride myself in that
Though I hide our happy facade

I never thought you'd do this to me
I thought you loved me
But you love that I love you
& you care nothing about my pain

Yet -- I can't
I can't let you go
I love you too much
Every day I try but you are so close
You are right there
You ask me to love you and I cave
In a false security, a black hole I know I will suffer from
In only mere minutes

Our time together is too magical to give up
But only a matter of time until I --
No, I cannot dream of it
You will treat me right one day
& we will be happy together

I can't
I can't do it
I can't breathe
I can't live
I can't do this

I don't want medicine
I don't want to spend money
I... I can't do this

I can't stop crying
I can't stop hurting
I can't stop thinking
I can't stop anything

I can run away
I can wish and dream and hope that it'll disappear
I can be miserable forever
I am miserable forever

"You don't have to be"
"You have the control"

Shut up
The **** up
You have absolutely no ******* idea
No one has no ******* idea what it's like
To feel the world close on you
To hear the fuzz in your ears
To see the scene blur
And you're dying
I'm dying
Get me out of here
I
can't
do
this

I will never amount to anything
I hate you

Not ready for tomorrow
I always say
Not ready at all

It was awful
Saw his face light up
Not because of me

I'll prove him wrong
Didn't, did I?

People pretend to care
People lose interest in caring
I lose interest in trying
I took up crying

Hey that rhymes

Feels like a nightmare
Don't know how I survived
But I will if it happens again
I'll survive, cringe

I won't be selfish
I won't be awful
I won't let my pain destroy others

Is this going to be another nightmare?
Waiting for tomorrow feels like staying up late
Don't want to sleep, don't want to dream of nightmares

I can I stay here or can we fast-forward?
This is supposed to be the best time of my life

Talk too much
Think too much
How do I write a poem

It's cold in here
My ears are ringing
They're always ringing

Why do I treat my phone like a child
I feel like I'm on a boat
My head is floating back and forth

Where am I supposed to begin
When everything was great
And everything was wrong
And everything was worse
And everything was pretend

Pretend was easier,
Wasn’t it?
Until I stopped liking the rules
Until I couldn’t win anymore

Children cry, and so can I
Because pretend is over
And I didn’t win
We didn’t win
We lost

I think the pieces fell down the drain
I think I flushed them in the toilet
I think I regret that
I think I know I shouldn’t

Maybe I can play pretend again
Or I’ll just write pretend
Because that way,
I’ll never lose

I wait for you
Will you contact me
Or no
Do you hate me
You are hurt
Can I take care of you
I want to
I miss you
I love you

Which color would you like?

Blue makes me tired
Yellow makes me wired
Pink makes me ... whaaaaaaat?

Green makes me swirly
Orange makes me girly
Teal makes me WOOOO WOOO WOOOO

None fit the part
None want to play
None will make me go far away

Old lovers in the front
Bicker and kiss as the hands tick
Curled in black I am
Fake air tickles my hairs
Knives swim through my stomach
Nails are my only food
Eyes hurt with every squeeze
Electric in my ears
I hear her voice as my only comfort
I wish to change like her
I wish to love like her
I wish to be like her

I let the machine take me
Where are we going?
I could ask
But I trust the comfort
And her voice

I like that liquid in that bottle
Yeah, that there
I like it in a glass where I can knock it back
Real quick
Real nice

Put some more in a plastic bottle
Sip it and cradle it wherever I go
Everything becomes clear
When everything gets fuzzy

I am hotter now
I am cooler now
Here, let me give you a kiss
I know you want me
I dance real good
Real hot

Gimme a swig of that brown stuff
That's goooddd
So what is your name
Don't care
I want you, don't you want me?

Rainbows and sparkles in my eyes
All around
But I'm alone
Water falls from my eyes
I'm on the floor
Ow my head
I'm not hot, no one wants me, I'm pathetic
Throat burns
Don't touch me
Hahaha ******* *****, I said don't touch me




How did I get here?

Hey, hey, hey
Shhh girl
It's okay, you're okay
It's okay, okay girl?

Relax, here
Calm down
That's better right?
There you go

Shhh  shhh
You're safe
You're okay
I won't let anyone hurt you

I know, it's strange here
You're not used to it
But I promise you won't get hurt
You can trust me

Come here, come on now
There, that's it
Good girl
You're safe, you're safe

I am dark and He is light
I am weak and He is might
I am blind and He is sight
I am wrong and He is right

Every life, relief, peace, pleasure
It is His plan
Every death, pain, agony, grief
It is His plan

Do not give yourself away
You are His
Do not give yourself credit
That is His
Everything you do is because of
Him

If you do not love Him
You are not good
If you do not pay homage to Him
You are a sin

He is the puppeteer to rule us all

Can you help me stop these feelings?
I don’t know what to do
I can’t stop thinking of him
When I should be thinking of you

And in the night I dream such things
Like holding hands with boys
I never dream of you at night
But yet I still enjoy

I don’t know if he’ll care
But I can’t stop myself
If he still does hate me
I will lose all self-wealth

I love you so much
I cannot even say
I want you to hold me
And love me everyday

My heart thinks of your smile
But my mind is drifting by
I wish I could let it go
But it will never die

- circa 2009

I run down the path through the trees
Out into a field
Grey is right beside me
White wings are in the distance

There's a tree in the middle of the grass
Where I sit and I breathe
Grey is right beside me
White wings are nearby

There's a door that I enter alone
He's waiting
Who cares, who listens, who sees
He sees me and I'm safe

I wish it were enough
To love your heart
But you have a mind in the way
I have a mind in the way

Future
Eyes
Money
The truth
It's all in the way

My anxiety and yours
My love and yours
It doesn't help us
Like it could

Love should be everything
So why is it so hard?
Why can't I be happy with you?

But who are you?

You might just be made up
You may not be real
Are you real?

I have so many friends
To play with
To talk to
To see

Each one is different
Each one is new
Each one makes me smile
Each one makes me strange

I'm like a person
Missing pieces

And my friends are those pieces
That fit so perfectly
In my heart

I don't know what I'd do
If I didn't have them
Or you
To make me alive and whole
I'd just have a hole
In my heart

Thank you friends