I always seem to go through stages of sadness
One situation leads to multiple crashes
Splashes of disasters
Walls closing in
No air
Too far to swim
I know they never last
But always come back
They take hold of my life
And tonight
I shut the world out
Forgive me for what I may blurt out
I can say I'm not happy
That my life is ******
I can take what I've learned
And grow from it, I am sure
I don't really know what else to say
My feelings are spinning today
Hit fast forward
Don't need a replay
I need to get away
To a place
That appreciates who I am
My friends all know me as the brave one
What's so brave about telling the world you're the gay one
My family doesn't understand me
I can never make them happy
We barley agree on what to eat for dinner
Let alone whether I have the right to marry
I feel very alone
Have lots of friends by my side
But sometimes I don't want to be alive
I'll throw my phone at the wall
Contemplate who I am
If you saw inside me maybe you'd understand
But until then
I'll express myself the best way I know how
And for now
I'll stare at my ceiling
Until I fall fast asleep and dream about a perfect place for you and me
My alarm will go off
I will be alive
No suicide
I'll just prioritize
Until I am finally happy

When I saw her mom
Everything around me went still
It was kind of like focusing on one thing while everything else is moving rapidly
You don't quite notice your surroundings until you blink
She walked up to me and I didn't recognize her
Until I saw her eyes
I forgot that they had the same eyes
Big dark green eyes
With tiny galaxies that exploded all around them
With hints of yellow suns and blue moons
Her eyes were my favorite
Her eyes kept me whole
Kept me captivated
She spoke to me
And for a second, I swore
That Kai was there
That all the times I spoke to her after she died she somehow heard all of it
She somehow read all my poems and listened to the voice mails I left on her cell phone
Everything was suddenly crashing down
"I haven't forgotten what you've done"
It was no longer Kai
But all of my regret flooding into my body
Drowning in big dark green eyes
Sinking into the abyss of my own blame
When I saw her mom
I took a second to look around her
Look behind her
Waiting for Kai to come running up and collapse into my arms
Stumble back into my life like drunk love
So innocent
I saw those big dark green eyes attached to a different body
Demolished high hopes can destroy you
Unrealistic expectations can be the switch that turns everything off
But those eyes
I swear
They could start a fire inside you
When I saw her mom
I saw Kai
And it made me remember that true love never really dies

When she was little
The world revolved around the little things
The way the raindrops slid down the window
How the leaves changed
How two people could portray so much hate

When she was little
The world seemed to show a different light
Not necessarily bright
But a low gleam
Always being covered by negativity

As she grew up
Life seemed to knock her down
The ground became her home
The light became unknown
Love became a shallow hole of uncertainty

Now she struggles between the light and the dark
Looking for a new start
If you know her
You show her unconditional love
She walks through life
With an undeniable weight on her shoulders
But you hold her
And show her that life is more than what it seems
And she believes you
Has faith in you
So hold to the truth
We all have things we don't want to lose

She is now at a crossroads
And where to go is unclear
But she can't live with fear
Her past is one big nightmare
As she gets older
Those little things begin to grow
And she begins to show signs of fighting
Igniting her insides
Don't believe all the lies
I am who I am
If you don't understand
Don't bother opening your mouth

She is no longer little
So remember her name
She believes in fame

I looked at her
And with complete peace
I smiled
Knowing that her's was hiding pain
She was never loved
Was never seen as anything special
Beat up and bruised by the words of others
People
Who didn't even know her
As I grew to know her
Love her
I found myself in her unconditional love
She never judged

He was tormented everyday
For something he couldn't change
Gay
Pushed down stairs
Shoved into lockers
And when he came home
His parents couldn't even look at him
Blinded by their hate
They pushed him away
Into the hands of drugs
Not because he wanted to
But because he felt no love

And as for me
My story has bits and pieces of theirs
Cutting was what fueled my life
Sucide
Because I was never loved by someone
Looked down apon because of who I loved
I never knew how good life could be
Until I heard other peoples stories

No one should be treated badly
We all search for happiness
But sometimes that's at the cost of others
We all have light and dark within us
Choose to fuel the light
Choose to diminsh the dark

I feel like I'm sinking
And blinking is not enough to relieve my eyes from what I'm seeing
Your love was deceiving
******* out all of my feelings
Leaving me bleeding
Retreating back to my cave of useless meaning
Thinking you were different
Only to find out
That you were just like the rest
I'm left a mess
You try to rebuild the walls around your heart
Can't let people get past the start
Or make it to the finish
I'm finished
Sitting there doing the dishes
Thinking about why you left me there
In the summer air
You acted like you were scared to lose me
Turns out you did nothing but bruise me
Shattering my soul
Then stepping on all the broken pieces
Turning them into dust
Dust to ashes
But in all this madness
I'm reborn
Stronger than the storm
I try my best to smile right in front of you
So you know I got over the **** you put me through
You told me I wasn't good enough
So I walk around this life thinking I'm not good enough
So you learn to shield your heart
Shield your scars
Hoping that the next person who comes along
Doesn't destroy what you've built
But you can't help but tear it down yourself
Just so you can feel something
Then you stand beside the ruble of what's left
And wonder if it was worth it
You've jumped out of the plane
Pulled the chord
And hope that your parachute opens
You trust
You take risks
You give up everything
And yet at the end of the day
You spend your time building up your walls
With nothing but a secret passage way
Hidden where no one expects
The only way to your heart

You take me in strides
I take you like doses of medicine
I make my past irrelevant
And you don't even bring your past along
Love breaks through the loneliness like cracks on a sidewalk
And I can see the grass grow
I form sentences in my head but never say them out loud
Obedience can be a disease
Suppression can **** the mind
Two wrongs don't make a right
But if you get lost you better ask for directions
Why do you have to do that thing with your eyes
Deflect
Deflect
Deflect
I can't see you in that way
The way the birds see the sky
And the way landscape sees an open horizon
I start to drink coffee even though it makes my heart race
Hands are meant to be sturdy
If you build a house you want sturdy hands
And you make my hands shake
The cracks in the sidewalk remind me that this earth is always moving
Shifting off kilter
Breaking down even the strongest matter
Heartbreak is like cracks on a sidewalk
But you are the grass that grows in between the cracks
And I can't even tell you how much I appreciate that

Life has a way of changing
Rearranging
Turning in the opposite direction
And how you handle it
Live with it
And deal
Makes you a better person
You can be fully prepared
But still end up scared
You can lower your expectations
And still be let down
They say what doesn't **** you makes you stronger
Or is it just killing us slowly
And taking longer
Love can sometimes be the best thing about life
But if you take it for granted
You might be put to the side
Knowledge is key
That's what I've been told
With all this knowledge
The world is still cold
Don't waste your opportunities
They might not come back
Life is short
And in a snap
You can lose everything you have
But for some reason
We all still get consumed
By what other people have
Try and picture the life some people live
No electricity
Or food in the fridge
Get past the fact that you can't get that new phone
Get past the fact you might not have the nicest home
Life is a never ending battle
Between the good and the bad
You want things to be easier
Start being grateful for what you have

These past few weeks
I have been ashamed to be white
The audacity of what's happening is sickening
Why are we still having these problems?
We turned away from slavery to show that we were all equal
Just to prove that we are far from it
We try to exclaim that America is the greatest country in the world
As we cover our problems behind media hype and breaking news full of lies and delusions
The fact that we can't swallow our pride shows that we have much work to do
Michael Brown and Trayvon Martin proving that we don't value a single life but our own
Even though each soul is valuable
Why do we have to use violence to try and show that we are against violence
Why do we talk about gun control but have our police officers pulling triggers on innocent victims
Why do we talk about "We the People" when it's really just the people with the right paychecks and complexion that have the voice and the power
Each hour more and more are being silenced just so we can look the part
We conform to fit this mold that we have imposed on ourselves
Forcing our morals and values to take a back seat on our power trip
I'm tired of turning on the TV to see news reports on tragedies
Killings and shootings
Kidnappings and hate crimes
People come to this country for the American dream
But this place is more like a nightmare
The rich living the dream
While everyone else fights for their own taste of the good life
When we have the resources to give everyone the good life
Love is becoming harder to find because we want power
We **** for power
Fight for power
Eat, sleep, and breathe power
Not knowing that the price of power
Is worth more than any life
When will we see that beneath our clothes and skin tones
We are all the same
When will we see what we are doing to our brothers and sisters
When will we bring peace that overturns the hold we have on our image
The hold it has on power
I pray for equality
I pray for the day we can walk the streets and not worry
I don't see why equality is so hard come by

17 years...

Sometimes you feel alone
So alone that you can hear your own heartbeat in a crowded room
So alone that you can't even see your own shadow

Sometimes you want to die
Just so you don't have to feel anymore
Just so you don't have to think anymore
Because all of that just adds more pain

And all that pain does is **** whatever joy you had left
And you can't lose anymore joy

Sometimes...
You just don't feel like your worth it
And believe me when I tell you this
I feel worthless
Like if I just shut out the world
No one would call to see how my day has been

We live to die
We live...to die
So why does everything in between have to be so hard

Everyday I tell people I love them
Because the day just might come
When I stop talking
And when that day comes
The world will fully understand that sometimes a simple smile from a stranger can change everything
The world will finally understand that its not all about money
Because in the end those millions won't save you from what's hurting you

Trust me..
I've been to the lowest of the low
And I'm looking up
I don't understand why life is so rough

I sometimes ponder life outside these walls
We are all just tall buildings waiting to fall
I wonder how people can hate
Continue to live in such a negative state
I wonder if there is more out there
I try to believe that life is fair
That we are all connect by tiny microscopic hairs
That make us who we are
But let us know that we are not far apart
I wonder if the after life
Is more than an after party
I'm sorry
That I could not live up to your expectations
We all need to live life through inspirations
A single invitation
To join me on my quest to find what's out there
But I hate dares
How can you judge me
But say you love me
You talk so much crap
Like its your job to know all the facts
And even then you aren't happy with yourself
So how about around of applause
For the people who are strong
Even when everything is crashing beneath them
I can honestly say my friends
Saved my life
They know my struggle
Know my strife
Took my troubles
Into their own life
I am here today
Because they wouldn't let me go away
But I'm afraid
That once I leave
I won't believe in living
These walls are a tight cage
That keep me from feeling
I sometimes ponder my own destiny
My past has gotten the best of me
I'm slowly rebuilding my tall building
Making it stronger
And taking longer
To achieve my ongoing dream
Of making it past 18

The only thing that's consistent is change
I've played this game too many times
I've realized that no one ever knows what's deep inside
So please tell me why happiness is so hard to find
I've let love slip away one too many times
I feel drained
I want a replay
Those two years run through my head frame by frame
I'm trying to move forward
But being stuck in the past is one of things I'm best at
I'm running on a stationary wheel
I feel like I'm going nowhere
You were always there
I don't know if I could have done more
Your death haunts me to my core
I picture you hanging above the floor
I dream of me standing at the door
I can't save you
My thoughts are stressing me out
Crawling back into my head is doubt
Look at me now
You always believed in me
You always saw something that I could never see
You said I love you daily
Kai I'm trying for you
I know you wouldn't want me stuck in one place when you always knew I could finish this race
But I'm tired
I need you to talk me through
When the water was rising you always knew what to do
I took you for granted
And if I hadn't who knows where you would be
I'm doing it again
I'm blaming me
I really just want to accept it
You are dead
This whole year has been based around that
I found love again
And even though it didn't work out
I now know it's possible again
You always knew someone would take my heart after you
I thought it was too good to be true
I'm having anxiety
Your anniversary is coming
And how can I relive that horrible day
10:30pm phone call from your mother
"Kai is dead"
"I found her hanging above her bed"
"What did you do to her?"
"You broke her heart"
I didn't mean to
"She's dead because of you"
I did all I could do
The phone calls and texts flowed in like a steady stream
Everyone blaming me
I shut down
All I could think about was you being put into the ground
But I can't change it
All I can do is live through each day
Hope that the blame goes away
I'll always love you
The only thing that's consistent is change
I will never walk away
Kai
I should have stayed

I'm about ready to collapse
I can't go on
My days are full of pain
And my nights are nothing but me laying awake
Thinking about everything I'm losing
I'm bruising real easily
Probably because I'm weakening
I'm reevaluating my actions
My passion
If I don't succeed
I'll be locked away in self pity
Fall to my knees
Wave the white flag and retreat
You won't hear from me
I'm trying to be strong
But not for long
I'm standing as tall as I possibly can
****
Don't take everything that I am
Since you've left
I feel stuck in lost depth
I don't know where my head is
I've lost my mind
Can't keep track of time
I wish I could of said goodbye
You are being put in the ground tomorrow
That will be the beginning of my real sorrow
I'm afraid that if I sleep
I'll see you
I don't know if I can handle seeing you
I can't seem to move on
Its only been a couple of days
And I can't keep up
My head says to get over it
My heart says that's enough
I can't take much more of this
Stress is overflowing
I'm lost in an abyss
Everyone is trying to help
But they don't see that I'm sinking

I once wanted to end it all
Tired of getting back up after every fall
I waited for the pain to just subside
But everyday it entered my mind

While my parents were fighting
I was running out of time
Told myself to just hold on
That I could do it
Just hold on

It slipped out to my best friend
In the 6th grade everything changed
A 6th grader dealing with suicide
I told her I wanted it all to end
That it just wasn't worth it anymore

When my parents found out we had a talk
They told me things would be different
That they would be different

I remember the promises they made
A week later those promises never existed
But my pain remained

I once tried to end it all
Sometimes I look back and wonder if I made the right choice
And when I fall
I'm afraid I wont get back up
I'm afraid that I'm not strong enough
Those thoughts always enter my mind

I've come so close to death that I could feel the air escaping my body
I could feel my memories slip and the essence of myself being taken away
I could feel my skin leave my bones and I could see dust and mold reside in my rib cage
So I know what I want from life
I want an off the beaten path kind of life
Where I see new horizons and discover peaks and valleys that turn my heart into a wanderer
I want new boarders and coastlines that create tattoos along my mind covering every inch of all the bad feelings that wanted to take me away
I want a life that has no real destination but is solely focused on the journey
I want a northern lights and blue waters kind of life
A Big Ben and a land down under kind of life
Where the sky is literally my limit and I manage to explore every inch of the clouds
Mistakes are meant to be made but living a life after being so close to death is not a mistake and I will not choose ordinary
I will choose endless amounts of stars and flowing rivers
I will choose mountains and open fields
Anything that makes me proud to say that I chose life instead of what was easier
I can't go back there
Being so close to death makes me appreciate a good life
And I will explore all that it has to offer
Because I chose to live
And that is exactly what I'm going to do

She reminds you of a tiny flame. You look at her and she's small and beautiful and luminous. And in the back of your mind you know she is equally both dangerous and weak. One wrong word or action and she can diminish into nothing but smoke. But if she catches something that makes her feel alive she grows too quickly even for herself to handle. And while you stare into the glow of her soul. Feel the warmth of her body. She begins to burn down everything you hold dear. And you should have seen it coming. You should have paid more attention but that little flame flickered and danced around and you couldn't help but still see it as small and beautiful. And once she absorbed all she needed from you to survive, she vanished. Leaving you in piles of ash and rubble. You saw her as a small flame and she saw you as everything she needed to grow into a fire. Now you carry around buckets of water throwing them at everyone you see. Hoping they won't engulf you into their destruction while you rebuild yourself.

You have become my skyline
A horizon that makes me believe in life after death
And that the earth is round
You have turned into tall buildings and trees because you believe in stretching out and touching the stars
I look up at you and you look down at me but our eyes both show that we are equal
You seem to expand over time
And I seem to shrink
But even after months of labor and hundreds of miles between us
You are still more beautiful than the night sky on the mountain
Or that time we both saw the Grand Canyon before our paths crossed
You are still more beautiful than anything I hope to see in this world
And as you continue to expand, I continue to be amazed by you
Little moments get me through this harsh life
And you break up into tiny particles that flout around my brain and hit all the right nerves
Sometimes even the wrong nerves but I'll forgive you
And I'll never forget the time we drove in that truck together
You wanted to know all the little stories that I rarely share
And I knew
You wanted inside my brain as much as I wanted inside yours

I believe a child is taught to hate
Just like they learn the alphabet
Kids are taught to judge based on society and our ignorant ways
Gender, skin color, religion, physical appearances
Hate is started like a small fire then quickly grows to destroy every inch of humanity
Why do we think we are born with it?
A baby doesn't see black or white
Gay or straight
Girl or boy
They see people
A limitless source of love
As soon as they start to understand concepts they see how we act
They see racism, sexism, homophobia
The way we treat the poor and disabled
How we treat each other
When we plant two flowers side by side
They don't think about what the other is doing
They just grow
They grow and live together
Why are we teaching little kids to hate
We can stop hate and ignorance by showing new generations respect
Equality is knocking on our doorsteps
Let it in
Limitless love is possible
If we can just show it

Death has always seemed so present in my life
My first love said that death is not something you should be afraid of
What you should be afraid of is someone else taking the place of your soul
Someone else loving the one you gave everything to
She told me that she would never connect with someone the way she connected with me
Because soulmates are not easily found or won
Death seemed to love her more than I did
Death fought for her before I even gave up
Death was her true soulmate
I think about death the way I think about love
It is natural
Unexpected
Love has a way of shielding you from all the pain that life brings
And gives you a soft place to land
She told me that death called out to her when she spent every night crying
The only thing that stopped death was love
She told me that I stopped death
I only stopped it for as long as I could hold it off
Until love wasn't enough to pay it off
She needed something more
Because I was never her true soulmate

I know that I can never fully give my heart
I haven't quite found all the pieces yet
I came on this journey to find my bliss
And instead I found you
This beating black hole inside me can't grasp enough light to make this work
Without ******* you in and losing you to the void just like everyone else
I put you first so you have a better chance of surviving
If that means being the sacrifice well then I will do that
Don't think I think less of myself
I just think highly of you
I hate when you say "I'm used to it"
That should never be your normal
I want you to find someone who changes your expectations
Sadly I still need to change mine
I'm not sure if I still believe in fate or true love
Being here makes you rethink your true intentions
I just hope I didn't leave you wanting more
I couldn't possibly show you this without having to fully express myself out loud
I just hate that you were my next victim
Another name to add to my list of fallen hearts
The way you look at me has changed
But then again I don't blame you
I would hate me too
In fact we both seem to have the same views now
You don't want to be near me and I don't either
But unfortunately I am trapped
You on the other hand have a chance to forget about me
Everything written couldn't possibly be said out loud
No one needs to know how much I hurt right now
So please be okay and walk away
You are too special to be a pawn in my game

Why did I want to die?
Why did I want to end my life?
You're taught to be grateful
Every time the sun sets but returns every morning
How the flowers grow then die then grow again
And you understand the circle of life
But want to take matters into your own hands
My hands
Were tools to hurt and bring me down
Closer to the ground
And as I was falling
The sky seemed to become out of my reach
And they don't teach these things
While I was sitting in math
I pondered my own path
In English
I wanted to be finished
And if it was committed
Would I win or would I lose
Could I even choose
Death seemed better then going home
That's when I was alone
And I could scream
As loud as I wanted
Without anyone hearing a peep
I could smile
I could laugh
But that never replaced how I felt at the end of day
Make myself bleed to ignore my other pain
To this day
I'm not the same
Death seemed so easy
Believe me
I wanted to die
So I didn't have to feel
Or know that my life was real
I didn't want to deal
But I'm still here

Death doesn't scare me
I'm afraid of what I'll miss
If I'll be missed
But I am afraid to lose people
Lose relationships
Life is about moments
About being devoted
Death comes along
And you hope you are strong
But we never know
If I tell you I love you
You know I mean it
Don't leave it
And if you know its coming
Do you run from it?
Or is embracing it to scary?
Holy Marry
Protect the ones I love
And the ones up above
I do not wish to live in fear
When my time is near
I will open my arms and accept my final moments
Because life is about doing what you love
So when you leave
You leave happy
Moments are not moments until you kiss the sun and hold it
Being 100% content with everything
Feeling weightless and at ease
Death is not a scary thing
I would rather die young and happy
Then live a long life full of numbness
And you can't judge a persons life based on their time frame
You look at how they made things change
How they spent each day
I say this because at one time I didn't treasure life
I regretted every decision I made
I didn't want to fight
Because death is easy
Life... is what we need to be afraid of

I'm trying to figure out why I'm not good enough
The man who makes up half of who I am
Shows no interest in 1/3 of his self-worth
And I get it
I was never very bright
Never really right for this world
I questioned every move he ever made
And always acted like I didn't need him
Life lessons came from outside perspectives
And I guess I never really fit into his world
Drinking and driving is hard when you have a kid in the car
It's hard to shut the world out drinking *** and coke when you have someone asking you history questions
Mixing morning screwdrivers is challenging when you have to pour cereal into a bowl at the same time
I get it
Alcohol is your life line
Your anchor out at sea
You want to experience life with blinders on
So far you've done a pretty good job
Now that I'm older you expect me to walk away
Because you never really were there to be begin with
So why would I even want you to stay
If you can't change for your kids then you really can't change for anyone
I just want you to tell me why I'm not good enough
I'm not a little kid anymore
Because of you I'm pretty tough
Maybe if I was gone you could drink freely
I'm seeing clearly
I can't make you love me the way you love the bottle
And one day I will just be another hazy memory
You'll never fully know what happened
You'll look at me and say that I was just a bad habit

I vow to be your safe haven
Your umbrella when the rain starts to fall
The words you can't speak
And the support beams that keep your chin up

I vow to be your late night conversations
Your early morning coffee
The sun beams through the window of our first house
And every home cooked meal

I vow to be your favorite pain in the ***
Your "let's kiss and make up"
The ultimate one woman fan club
And the most embarrassing cheerleader

I vow to always find you
In any galaxy or dimension
Across the world or across the street
Because I know true love always finds a way

I vow to love you
All of you
Every second of the day and doubled when we are sleeping
Because I no longer have to dream of this
My reality is finally better than my most desired fantasies

I vow to live this life with you
Forever

I just seem to fall deeper and deeper
And things get darker and darker
Until I can't even see my hand in front of my face
Even in the brightest of light
And maybe if I get out more
I can pull myself up to where I'm able to function
I'm always in a state of panic
My parents have no faith in me
I start losing faith in myself
My future is the only thing that keeps me going
If it doesn't happen
Nothing will matter
I'll have to stay in a place that makes me go insane
My parents will be right
And I will have failed
I start to lose my confidence
And just pray that I can make it
I take all the chances I can get
The biggest risk
All odds are on this Scratch and Win card
I've come too far
My future is in my sights
Almost in my hands
The only thing holding me back
Is the fact that I might not get in
And people won't understand
Ask if I have a backup plan
You see my life has consisted of coming so close
But then having my feet swept up from under me
The universe dangles all of my dreams right in front of me
But never let's me hold them
What's my backup plan
I can't stand in the shadows anymore
I'm sure that this is it
I've overcome every obstacle in order to win
I will climb out of my hole
Into the cold world
And embrace all of my struggles
Because they made me
I could be dead
But that would mean giving up on everything that has yet been discovered

I don't know what to write
My wells dried up
The gas tank that was full of my never ending thoughts is on E
Empty
Maybe that's how I feel
Everything is falling into place
The marathon that was my life is no longer a race
I can take a breather
I'm closer to the finish line
I can see it in my own eyes
But when it comes to what I'm writing
I feel paralyzed
I'm forcing it
My words used to be real
But now I don't know how to deal with the fact that how I feel
Can't be explained
My brain is trying to come up with new ways to say things
My thought process is jumbled up like alphabet soup
I can form inspiration if I have an issue that I need to get through
What else should I do
I can give up on these words that used to drag me out of every dark hole
I can stop using my emotion as an antidote for my pain
But I don't need to see the weather to know that in a few years it will probably rain
Maybe that's a metaphor for my life
Everything is good right now
I couldn't be happier
But as my life goes on
Something will come along
And rain on my parade
You know what makes me sad
Knowing that in many short days
I'll be leaving my best friend
Now that's pain
So maybe I didn't force this poem
Maybe it happened naturally
I think I think too much which ends in a catastrophe
So giving up may be too big of a jump from where I'm standing
So instead I'll just show this to the person who convinced me to keep going
I know she'll love it

If I could paint the world with one stroke
I would take inspiration from poets
Different words
Different emotions
Different culture

If I could change the way people look at the world
I would start with
Life
Liberty
And the pursuit of happiness

Experiences make us
Judgement breaks us
And you can never look at someone and know their full story
Explore the possibility
That you may not have it all figured out
Start from the ground
Let go of doubt

If I could change hate
I would start with myself
Its never to late
To change your fate

With everything that's around us
Sometimes we forget the big picture
Sometimes we hold are heads up searching
And miss what is right below us
And we think
Will we ever find what we are looking for
But do we even know what that is
Life is full of amazing Kodak moments
And hard life changing realities
We begin to question what we were originally looking for
What is it?
Where did it go?
I'm not sure
And we begin to question our ability to figure things out
Like realizing that no matter how hard yesterday was
The sun will still greet us in the morning
Or why that old song on the radio still makes you smile
We begin to think if we can do this
And as soon as we question our self's
We lose sight of what's right in front of us
True happiness does not mean that we have everything figures out
But it does mean that we can brush off the dirt and dust of life
And once we figure out that we can't control what happens to us
Be can control how we feel about it
Then life wont seem so bad anymore
All those twists and turns that we weren't expecting
Now have a purpose
And its to keep life interesting
And that my friends is a beautiful thing

I hope you know
That the sun might set
And darkness may fall
But your smile shines brighter then anything I have ever seen
I hope you know
That when I see you in the halls
I don't just smile
I glow
Because I know
My life just became much more beautiful
I hope you know
That when you are sad
I physically hurt along side of you
I would take all of that pain right off of you
I hope you know
That being your friend
Is all I need
I couldn't ask for anything better
I hope you know
That I will always accept you
Your past does not scare me
It will never define you
I hope you know
That when dudes mistreat you
I want to kick their ***
They don't know your past
They will never understand
I hope you know
That when you can't fall asleep
I'll stay up with you
Even if that means falling asleep in class
Its worth it
I hope you know
That I would make a fool out of myself
If it meant you would laugh
I might look like an idiot
But I got to hear your laugh
I hope you know
That when you feel like giving up
I will be there to hold your hand
I will take your struggle and make it mine
You are one of a kind

My whole life has consisted of whether or not I should be "here"
And when you ask where "here" is
I can't really tell you
I guess "here" is wherever I feel like going
Or maybe its where I'll figure everything out
And sure I could take pills that alter my sense of happiness
Put something into my system that will somehow make me feel better about my situation
But honestly
I can sit "here" and say that I am thankful for my life
And maybe I have more bad days then good ones
But I would never trade my few good days
With many all because of something changing the chemicals in my brain
And I was made to feel pain
But I can choose how I deal with it
And I might not have the best coping techniques
But believe me
I wouldn't give up my life for anything
My parents always looked at me like something was wrong
Not knowing that every fight they had made me strong
I think I rely on my friends too much
But without them
I wouldn't be where I am
So when I say I don't know if I should be "here"
Don't take it as a sign of depression
I've always found that I'm more happy around certain people
And I'm realizing that very soon I won't always be around those people
I'm scared to lose the ones that I love
And no pill will ever replace the feeling I get when I'm with the people that I love
Whenever I think about leaving
I don't think about leaving this earth anymore
I think about leaving the people who have kept me alive
As much as I need to leave
I don't want to leave them behind

Do you know what's weird
Silence
Like why do I have to keep my voice down when the world is sleeping
Just to be woken by
Cars
Trains
Planes
People
Heartbreak
Whatever
Like why should I hold my tongue just so others can speak their mind
If they wanted to speak their mind they would talk over me
Yell at me
Something
Instead I have to keep quiet
Quiet my mind
Quiet my passion
Just so I can sit in silence and wait for you to think of something meaningful to say
Let me help you
Today I said goodbye to my ex girlfriend
You might be thinking why when she is already my ex
She died June 22nd
And I still have conversations with her while I'm making food in the kitchen
Like she's going to walk in and tell me how her day was
And now I will have to deal with silence
I preformed my own funeral for her because I could not attend her real one
I wrote her name on a rock
I talked to a **** rock
I told the rock I loved it and that I was sorry and all I heard was silence
Really?
That's all I get rock?
After everything we've been through?
Well alright
I threw the rock in the river and watched it sink to the bottom
After the deafening splash came silence
I now hate silence
I stood on a bridge and waited for something to happen
I walked off in silence
I thought my words would resurrect her
I thought my apology would bring a more relieving feeling
So do not tell me silence can be a good thing
Silence leads to over thinking
So if you plan to talk over me, make sure you have something decent to say
A story to tell
Mine ends up being about a rock
A rock as a metaphor for my relationship
And nothing more
Goodbye rock
Now I can be happy with silence

This is for the people who have had their dreams crushed
Bagged up and thrown away like they didn't mean much
For the boys and girls who sit in school and daydream of space and make believe
You are the real hero's
I often wondered what I dreamed of when I laid in bed
But not very often I remembered what went on in my head
And people said I wouldn't amount to much
Only just 10 months of my life given out of love
And you say I'm wasting my time
Even though this brings me closer to the finish line
All the negativity that they said to me
They look at me and I bet now they see
So please don't worry there is much out there
Just look at what I found here
And when people look down on you
They're only scared to think of what you'll amount to
This is for the people who still believe in love
Even though they've had their hearts crushed
For the ones who still hold faith in the world
You're the ones I look up to

I wait for your phone call
I wait for the relieving text message where you say everything was a lie
I wait and sit and wonder
I cry until my eyes hurt
Until I can't breathe
Until everything becomes blurry behind my tears
Until I fall asleep
Until I see you again

I read our old messages
I play back old conversations in my head until I can't tell if they are real or not
I sit and picture your face, your eyes, your smile
I think of everything I did wrong
Until I hate myself
Until I regret pushing you away
Until living without you seems like a waste of time
Until I can't think of loving anyone else but you

I wait for the day I will wake up and still have you in my life
I wait for this nightmare to be over
I pray that it's a joke
I wonder if I did this to you
Until I go numb
Until I think about the last time I told you I loved you and whether or not you believed me
Until I think about the phone call when your mother told me you were dead

I wait and wait and wait
Until I see a text saying you still love me

Why did I always ignore them

What is life
In the hands of someone who doesn't know what it is
A sunset
A long car ride
People always ask
But never recieve the correct answer
People look
But do not see
The truth behind the little things
But no one seems to belive me
Life can be a beautiful thing
Beauty from within
If everyone showed a little beauty
Beauty without sin
And I could walk forever
But never reach my destination
You'll find the truth
When you are ready to listen

Minds are dark places
When all you can do is lay in bed nothing is safe anymore
There is no fear or insecurity that is off limits
I can't escape
Even in my dreams they follow me
Death just seems so easy
And I know it's selfish believe me
I am trying not to act how I feel
Everything is becoming real
Depression creeps up from the ground and encloses my body
Covering every crack and gapping hole because it knows I'm already empty
Because the only thing that fuels fear is more fear
And everyday I take a heaping dose of doubt and play my usual role
The need to bleed is very prevalent
But I don't even want to try anymore
Because the more I say I'm fine the more I don't care
And why should I?

I don't want to change my ways
My ways got me here today
Today could be my final day to achieve all my dreams
Dreaming of a world where dreams are not necessary
Seeing is not believing
And I believe you have stolen too much from me
I walk through life
With my head in the clouds
Refusing to come down
Reality is not as fun as my imagination
My creation
Of what my life should be
And trust me
You are not in it
If I wanted a nightmare I would put you in it
Why pay attention
When my attention is in a different direction
Losing all affection
To the one I called my everything
What's the point of making someone your everything
When they later toss you to the side
Like you never crossed their mind
Or gave you the time
Of day
What day is it
I never really get why I cannot fit
In this time of day
I really just wish I could get away
Or fade into the blackness
Of this last hit
I don't even know where I'm going with this

I take a trip down memory lane
And with you nothing seems the same
We were told that things change
Put who wants to believe what strangers say

I look through photographs
And some make me laugh
Some don't even look like us
What's with all the fuss
We build trust
Then let it rust

We grow up
Like trees
Are roots are in the same place
But are leaves take shape
We start to believe
That there is more out there for us

That if we just spread our wings far enough
We can grasp all the little things
That taking the time to watch the leaves change colors
Isn't always a waste of time

That growing old
Doesn't mean you forget how the sun feels on your face
That it can warm you up as quickly as it can go away
And memories fade
But time is always giving us gifts
A chance to make new ones

It is Thanksgiving, 2012
I'm standing in my grandmother's kitchen
The kitchen I grew up in
Where I did my homework
Ate my snacks
Sat and listened to the adults tell stories using names I couldn't put faces to
I'm standing on the outskirts
Because I know that what I'm about to say will soon make me an outsider
I wait for a moment of silence between my aunts and uncles
Silence has never been so deafening to me before
I clear my throat and mutter
"I have something to tell everyone"
They all look at me except my grandma who keeps her back to me
"I'm gay"
They stare with eyes of confusion
Glances that have only seen a Catholic lifestyle
And why is it that people have to make you feel like it's not okay to be who you are
When growing up we are taught how to make friends by being ourselves
And why is it that all of my straight cousins don't have to tell the family about their sexuality
But here I am condemning myself to the family that has only ever known 1 thing
Perfection
I almost wish that I had stopped myself
That I had stayed this quiet little girl for a little longer
That I obeyed my family and the church and all the people who saw me as wrong
It's hard growing up Catholic
When everything is about tradition
And you are too afraid to question what you were taught
Because they teach you to be scared of sin
I am ******* terrified of sin
Terrified of my own sexuality
My own way of loving someone
It is 2016
And we don't talk about it
Because talking would mean acknowledging the fact that I might not be perfect
That I might be a little different
My grandma likes to brag about her grandkids
Except me
And I don't bring it up because she raised me
And I'm realizing that she only talks about the things she is proud of
"She's going through a faze"
"Your grandma is trying to accept you"
"Jackie cover up your tattoos"
"Don't tell anyone you're gay"
Jackie be normal
Jackie be straight
Jackie be anything other than who you are
Please so I can be proud of you
I sit in my silence and it becomes my new home
Catholics are raised to follow tradition
Our paths are formed the minute we are born
We do not stray
We do not question
I cover up my tattoos so my grandma doesn't get upset
I cover up my sexuality so my grandma doesn't get upset
I cover up myself because tradition is more important than creating my own
And that makes me upset

She remembers peeking through the blinds as her mom pulled out of the driveway every summer morning
She remembers attending the same school for nine years with the same people
She remembers how her grandparents basement smelled like smoke and after her grandpa died, it no longer smelled like smoke
She remembers sticking her head between the railings in her cousins house and getting stuck
She remembers her grandpa teaching her how to play basketball
She remembers being afraid to go to sleep because she thought she would forget to breathe
She remembers losing her friend in 9/11
She remembers learning about what death was
She remembers asking if there was a playground in heaven
She remembers asking if she had to come inside when the street lights came on
She remembers sitting in the back seat of her dads truck, thinking that the moon was following her
She remembers getting a concussion during basketball when she was a freshman and not remembering anything after that
She remembers coming out and how her parents didn't accept her
She remembers falling in love and how it hurt like hell
She remembers her parents fighting and covering her ears
She remembers wanting to die
She remembers when her memories were too painful to remember

I'm starting to forget the sound of her voice and I have nothing to jog my memory because where I stored our love no longer exists. It shattered to pieces the minute my heart stopped beating.

2. I told my 14 year old brother that I might be moving to Michigan and all he could say was "Please Jackie, don't leave again."

3. My dad is trying to stay sober and I'm trying not to stay sober. Our actions are clashing back and forth like the ocean during a hurricane. We are way too similar and that scares the crap out of me and yet I do nothing to change myself.

4. I'm terrible at cutting people off. Especially the ones who ripped my whole world a part. I think it's because I think I deserve it. I cheer on the pain like it's a marathon runner on his last mile. I search for it in everything. More importantly I search for it in girls with big eyes and sweet smiles.

5. As soon as I make progress I turn right back around and walk straight into everything that's killing me. I am a storm chaser. While others are trying to get as far away from everything that hurts I walk right alongside it because it's familiar and new things scare me.

6. I process my entire life in my head. Every detail of a break up, every second of that one time I thought I was falling in love but really I was using her to keep myself together. We both ended up falling apart. My mind is a machine on overdrive. A high functioning factory that continues to produce parts despite the fact that it's been closed for about 7 years now.

7. My thoughts destroy me because if I go down I want it to be my fault. I don't want anyone to think that they broke me because they didn't know that I was never really put together in the first place.

Sometimes at night I think about life
Like if I were straight would I dodge hate
Or if I tried harder in school or were a better athlete
My parents wouldn't feel the need to lecture me about every little thing
I think about love and how everybody seems to take it for granted
Everything revolves around text messages instead of face to face interaction
"I love you" gets thrown around like a boomerang
And you stand there waiting for it to come back but realize that it was never yours to throw in the first place
Sometimes at night I think about life
Like maybe if I just opened my arms to the world
I would be ready to catch all the pain instead of letting it hit me in my face
If only I accepted every little thing for what it was
I would better understand why some experience more pain than others
Sometimes I miss sleep so I can think about life
Realizing that what I want has to be in my reach or else it never would of entered my mind
Just give it time
I'll make you realize that with life you take the good and the bad
Hand in hand
Always understand that where you stand isn't always where you plan to be
A little misfortune can sometimes be a blessing

I don't know what goes on in this house
I don't know what I've been watching all these years
Pushing through the screaming, threatening and tears
Searching for the light that is supposed to be at the end of this tunnel
But I feel like I'm in a funnel
Spinning around and around
And when it stops
I'm left dizzy and confused
Waiting for the words "I'm sorry" and "I love you"
Growing up it was like World War 3
I was the soldier
And my enemies
Were called mom and dad
And looking back
This house that I have lived in
Was a battlefield
Where blood was shed and hearts were broken
Where I heard countless times "I hate you" "get out" "I wish I had never married you"
I was led to believe that home was a war zone
And I was left alone
To sit there and watch
Hoping to be rescued
Or woken from a lifelong nightmare
My pain became as real as the threats they said
My anger became as sharp as the knives they held
My home became my worst fear
And these walls became my fight for freedom
Home is where the heart is never applied to me
My home was full of hatred and countless enemies
If only they could see how many shots they've fired at me
And what its been like living in a constant World War 3

2013
Has made me feel like a survivor
365 days of complete life
And whether or not they consisted of happiness doesn't really matter
Because all you can do is try and prepare yourself for everything that will either **** you or make you stronger
I've seen it all this year
Everything from the ocean to the death of someone I loved
One made me feel like there is more out there in this world
And the other made me realize that love lives in the people that mean the most to you
And every year that passes is a reminder that we are all searching for something
I always made a resolution but never accomplished it
I want to be happy in 2014
Not the kind where I break out into song and dance
But the kind where I look back and smile
The kind where I know that everything will change
Because I will know that the power is in my hands
2013
Helped me cope with everything I didn't want to talk about
Revealed my true ambition to help out
And the loss of my uncle put things into perspective
You can overcome everything with a collective amount of faith and love
I might have struggled more than I succeeded
But I like to think that every obstacle I overcame was an accomplishment
My best friend helped me realize that I can't be happy unless I'm satisfied with the good, bad, and the ugly
And knowing she had my back made every obstacle into a small hurdle
And the only thing stopping me was myself
2013
Showed me that not every year will be perfect
But you can have perfect moments
2014
Will be full of perfect moments
I know who I am
And where I'm going
And life isn't about reaching a certain destination
Its about making little stops along the way
And seeing what's around you

I am from the church that held my family together
From the closet where I placed my roots and set up camp
I'm from my grandma's tough love and fresh chocolate chip cookies
From my father's stubbornness and my mothers mind
I'm from the neighborhood with no kids and mean dogs
I'm from spaghetti on Christmas and midnight mass
I'm from "God loves you as long as you are straight"
I'm from the corner of sarcastic and *******
From bad dreams and good attitudes
I'm from my ability to hold on when I know I should let go
From secret notes and posts expressing judgement
I am from loving hands and healing hearts
From painful memories and fresh starts
I am exactly who I am meant to be because of the experiences given and taken from me

One morning I opened my locker
A piece of paper fell out
I picked it up and read it
To my surprise it said
No one likes a ***
My first response was to read it again
To make sure I didn't get the words wrong
I hadn't
My second response was pure rage
I said to myself
Well this is a great way to start my day
I threw the hateful message in the trash can
Went into the bathroom to wash my hands
As the hate spew down the sink
The pain was still in my heart
Who would write such a thing
This happened about a week after I came out
I felt so free
Only to find out that someone didn't approve of me
I can't explain how it felt to read that note
I couldn't tell a single soul
I didn't want to be that one gay kid
Who tried to stop bullying with just one swing
Even thought this wasn't some little thing
If you think this is no big deal
Try walking in my shoes
What would you do
Find the kid and beat him up
No
You can't stop hate by using hate
I put a smile on my face and held my head high
Knowing that the kid who did this could be near by
But although there was a smile on my face
Those words on the paper burned a hole in my heart
If you don't believe me
Take a look at my scars

Fight or flight
Flight becomes my instinct
Especially when others want to fight
I take it in
And hold it there until my face turns purple
And my feelings become eternal
You have something against me
Your hatred runs deeper than any pool of water
And I'm drowning now
People are trying to pull me out
But my roots have set in
In this state of mind that somehow is disguised
I bet you feel pretty sneaky
Secret notes and posts
Thinking you are untouchable
Some all powerful being
Who ***** with my emotions and leaves me bleeding
What more do you want
You got the attention from the ones I love
If you reveal yourself
They will mess you up
I'll be leaving soon
And what you've said and done
Will no longer matter
I'll be gone
Come find me dude
Your ignorance is becoming my fire
You won't be anonymous for long

People everyday experience hate
Others will never fully understand our pain
And all we want to do is dance in the rain
Like others do
But how am I supposed to react
When someone I don't know
Tries to fight back
Sticks and stones
Even though those words hurt just as bad
And you try so hard to be yourself
But people can never be fully satisfied unless you're someone else
And I didn't even do anything to you
But you felt the need to make a statement
Growing up I was taught to love everyone
But people like you make me want to run
Hatred is a result of what society has put upon us
"Everybody needs to be perfect"
But its still not enough
And what if in my eyes I'm ok
But you have to beat me down until I'm silent
I will never be someone else
Call me ******
Or call me something else
But in my eyes I am beautiful
And you are nothing more then a single lonely pathetic voice
Trying to state an opinion
An opinion that no one wants to hear
An opinion that will make everyone around you turn their backs and close their ears