Over time
You forget how to rhyme
You start to lose sight of what's right
And go for what's easy
And believe me
Everything I write
Consists of everything I've been through
I used to be a hopeless kid
Drowning in all the negatives
Blinded by the scary thought that I wouldn't make it out alive
But I needed that drive
That motivation
To motivate my determination
Everything that was crushing me
Ended up helping me fly
The things that were holding me back finally let go
And my hope is being restored
Along with my flow
And over time
We can forget who we are
Forget what got us this far
But if we stick close to our hearts
We will never fall short of greatness

She has a mind older than her time
She walks with the confidence of a warrior
And talks like she's been through it once or twice
You never quite understand why she hides behind her sunglasses
And then she takes them off
I was afraid to talk to her
Her facade put me off and I held back
Then we were stuck together
She doesn't fully understand emotion
But understands pain all too well
I let her in because it's lonely and I enjoy her company
She hesitates to let me in because she knows how cramped a dark mind can be
Her face is flawless
Even her scars aren't really marks
They represent fights and battles and nothing is more beautiful than a survivor
I think I like her
When everything was falling around me
She held up the walls
Love intertwines through her fingers but she never has full grasp
If you didn't know her
You would think that her universe was made of giant organisms that all seem to unfold over one another
But in reality her life is made of small moments that seem to be endless and almost heartbreaking
She knows how to shut me up and get me going all at the same time
Her smart mouth both irritates and intrigues me
Our back and forth banter is always appreciated after a long day
And when I put that blade to my arm her voice appears slapping me in the subconscious
Her words hold the regret away from my skin
She doesn't even know that she saved my life
Her constant spew of encouragement keeps my knees from buckling and my legs from hitting the ground
I can tell her everything
Even the things that scare me and don't make sense but she listens
She takes them all in as if they were her own burdens
She takes them on even when she is caring her own
I know she doesn't feel the same way but she feels like home
She feels like stability
She feels like the warm hug and embrace from everything you've been searching for
Her love works like a fire
Keep it going and it will never fail you
Let it die and it will never be the same
Let me come in with oxygen and a steady beat
Her presence makes me feel complete

You made me feel so small
You tried to take my voice
You waited for me to fall
You acted like this was a choice

I started to crumble
I started to break
I wanted to hide
I couldn't be fake

But I am rising
And you are so low in the ground
That you can't reach me
I am not hiding
So come find me

I will not let that word define me
And deep inside of me
I know that I will overcome this
And you will be stuck
Between your hatred and your ignorance
And while everyone else is moving forward
You will get left in the dust
And I'll look back
Shake my head
And wish you luck

I'm stuck between wanting you and wanting my sanity
The sunshine surrounding my day only comes when you are next to me
I'm trying to find balance but walk on shaky ground
If love is faith
Why is love also madness
You look at me with eyes of gold and I melt down into my purest form
Finding inner love is hard when all you really want is the warmth from the outside
I'm not sure where I'm going
I'm just happy I'm still trying
Growing is endless
If you stay I promise to show you the depths of the ocean
And the vastness of the sky
For I once lived in the dark but you are natural sunshine
And with my pale skin and damaged heart
I will soak up all you have to offer me
Even if it means losing my sanity

I should tell you I'm disaster
Sweet painful disaster
Fading in and out of this world like sound
I should tell you I'm broken
With sharp edges and tiny pieces
You can't put my back together with glue and some patience
I should tell you
Before someone else does
That I fall into love like it's a bed and I haven't slept for weeks
I will fall so deep into your life that you will need a rescue team and a country full of prayers to get me out
Because someone once told me to jump and I didn't even look to make sure I would land right
I jumped and hit the ground and felt my heart shatter because the impact was too much
You can't fake this kind of pain
The kind of pain that leaves every muscle clenched and yet you are numb
I should tell you that I have a past
And I look for someone with a past
I should tell you that I like to fix things
Like broken doors and windows and people
But soon you realize that your tool box and duct tape can't save every piece of beautiful craftsmanship
Every breathtakingly gruesome artifact
I should tell you I lost someone
Someone who took part of me with her
And maybe if I knew where they put her
I could retrieve that missing component
I should tell you that I should be dead
But for some reason the gun didn't go off like it was supposed to
You should tell me I'm lucky
I should tell you I'm not so sure

I'm gay
But I never wanted to be
I never wanted this permanent thing
That defines me
I was ashamed of myself
I hated myself
I thought the church would turn their backs on me
I thought God didn't want me
Who would want a gay daughter
Nobody
I would pray that I was straight
Yell at the top of my lungs
"Lord take this gayness away!"
I got no reply
That day I almost took my life
Stop the noise
Stop the looks
Stop the hatred
Just make it stop
All that time I couldn't see
That God truly loved me
I missed all the signs
To worried about the pain inside
He wasn't ashamed
He loves me
He loves everybody
God made me this way
Not to suffer
But to inspire
That's what I'm going to do
Express my point of view
God didn't make me this way
Because He hates me
He did it because He loves me

I love you
Enough to let you be at peace
My heartache is worth it
Knowing you are resting

Now I know why storms are named after people
Because you rolled in without warning
It started with a single drop of rain and then a flood
I got swept so far off the beaten path that when the storm ended I was lost
And I can't stand the fact that I will never be able to see you move and form into who you are
Never get to see you rush into my arms like a wave finally reaching the shore
The storm is over
It devastated so many lives
It left me washed up and abandoned
But if I had the chance
I would take the rain all over again
I would take you in all your stages and cycles
Now that the storm is over, I'm waiting for the rainbow
I'm waiting to finally be okay with losing someone who had every bit of me drowning in them
Losing oxygen, trapped in your voice
Losing my way in your eyes
You came
Built me a house
And ran through it like a pile of leaves
And so I know why they name storms after people
We were the most devastating love story
Resulting in two fatalities
You when you died
And me
When everything didn't seem as beautiful unless you were tangled up in it

I'm going to have a break down
Right now
In the clouds
My heart is broken
I've spoken enough
This is too rough
I see you with him
And I just want to quit
You don't see that it kills me
When you hold him
And we're just friends
Growing pains
Keeping me awake
And if my heartbreak is pain
Well then its definitely growing
But I can't show how I'm feeling
I just have to keep bleeding
On the inside
My insides are depleting
You give everything meaning
And I'm seeing clearly now
I don't need to be found
I'm safe right where I am
I can stand on my own two feet
I'm no longer deep in heartbreak
This heartbreak helped me right this today
I can see you smile
And not feel pain
And I won't make that mistake
Of feeling love
When I know it will go to waste
I need to give my heart a break
So my heart won't break
I need space
From everybody
I need to take a step back
Forget what I don't have
She may be perfect to my eyes
But I am used to them telling me lies

My habits always happen to follow me
Crossing rivers
Climbing trees
Always inside my dreams
And just when I think I'm free
They turn a corner and end up right next to me
They scare me
They don't know how much control they have yet
But each relapse is massive
The casualties will surely be greater than one
Because I know I've left parts of me with everyone
I'm sorry for causing that kind of pain
I know it never goes away
My will power slowly decays
And I just continue to play in a corner
Hiding behind my humor as my armor
Walking farther from the truth
It's true I'm not very brave
Despite what people might say
Believe me, trees sway in the wind
I fall back on my habits
They keep me sane
Which doesn't make sense because they destroy my brain
And the way I behave
But I do them anyways
And I am a ticking time bomb
I fall in love and add more minutes then they walk away and I'm left standing in my pre-dug grave
What do I say
What do I do to convince myself that I just might be worth it
And that my birth wasn't some big mistake
Mistakes can be great you know
My habits don't want me to know that
I hold back
Two months, what kind of progress is that
Why can't I just clean when I'm upset
Why can't I just stay clean despite what my dad says
And his words leave me restless
No one can win in his mess
My habits feed off of his every breath
He is just mean
Triggers are everything
Triggers leave a big mess to clean

I consist of a few small victories
And countless large defeats
Broken dreams and records on video games
Mixed with a shattered heart that's held together by silly string
I consist of atoms and star dust with traces of imagination and permanent brain bruises
I consist of my mother's depression and father's addiction with hints of my own demons
The battle between dark and darker
My veins are mainly lightening bolts and my bones are hand tools
My skin is paper mache and my organs are just empty soup cans
I consist of all my mistakes because my life basically is one large ping pong game of right and wrong
I walk on the boarder line between relapsing and being fully clean
My life consists of one giant horror story with small intervals of miracles
The ending is still unclear but I think it will all somehow fall into place
My brain is like a foam pit
The longer you stay in it, the harder it is to get out
My hopes consist of fears
And my fears consist of fears
I think I'm just scared 80% of the time
I wish I could say that I consist of healthy ways of coping
But I really consist of sinkholes in my arms and hurricanes in my liver
I'm a real winner
My eyes consist of greens and blues and sad realizations
Crushed spirits and untold riches
I consist of let downs and almost made its'
And everything I left behind somehow found me
Even when I changed my address more than 4 times
And one day I will consist of true love and new traditions
A house in the country and a passion I believe in
Getting there will be my greatest achievement
And I will look back at all the things I consisted of and only be left with one
I will be consisted of persistence

I've been thinking about you a lot
I wonder if we would be together if you were here
Life is taking unexpected turns and I wish you were here to direct me
I'm so ******* sorry
Kai I hope you didn't leave hating me
What I did to you just happened to me
I can finally understand why you left
Karma really is a *****
I know I deserved it because I wasn't really worth it
I should have stuck by you
Instead I denied you and ran away
To this day I still think about you
I can't seem to let go
I can't forgive myself
I still wait for you to return
I pray that God gives me a second chance
Kai you were my first love
The only one who was true to me
Why couldn't I save you
Maybe I'll come to you
Wait there
Please
I will be there soon

We don't talk because it's just easier to breathe
Breathe in the silence of a life full of "I'm sorry"
The sky with always run blue and my blood will always bleed red
No matter what anyone screams or fights about
And you sir are no dad
You are dead
This world only takes in what it gives out
Societies karma will surely bring us down
The sky will be the limit because that will be all we have left to sing about
We are all just atoms made up to destroy things
Toxic veins and organs rigged to explode
So why do I act like you
Why do I bring people to their knees
Sending hurricanes and tsunamis on tiny villages filled with kids with hopes and dreams
And in all honesty this world doesn't mean **** to me
But you
You are this entire solar system to me
Brown whirlpools for eyes
And a cascading waterfall of a heart
I'd spend eternity exploring the forest that is your soul
This world is such a dark hole
And you must be my silver lining
The only part of this world that is true beauty
My hands shake like earthquakes
My words stumble on cracks in the sidewalk
My heart sinks into potholes
You are the Bernie Sanders to my generation
My revolution
Despite my need for darkness and bad decisions
You make me good again
And when I can't breathe
When the clouds roll in and take away my sunshine
When everything beats me down
You are the only thing still standing
And this world will only give you what you can handle
And until the day I die
I will bring you into battle

Missing you comes in waves
Tonight I am lost at sea
Fighting to keep my head above water
I hope you think of me
When the sun rises
Or when you're outside in the rain
I often wonder how you feel when my memory crosses your thought process
I hope you choke up and your throat tightens
I hope your hands begin to shake
I hope you ache at the thought of me
I'm not the one who lost
You walked away after experiencing the sun on your face and fireworks in your fingertips

Missing you comes in waves
Tonight I'm on the beach
Gazing at the stars

There are mornings when I wake up and you don't even enter my mind. I change into clothes that you haven't touched and I start a day that you have not been in. I thank the sun for shining and the ground for creating new paths. And I know I am done with you

But then

Then there are times when I wake up and feel you next to me. My fingers trace over my mattress and I swear you are right there. Ever so present in my life like you never left. But you are far away. So far away. Yet you have this ability to make yourself present in a world you walked away from. And I know. Even after I've pulled you out of me. You will always be right there.

To tell you the truth
I've run out of things to say
Each dawn brings a new day
Trying to unlock my secrets
That I hid from myself
Secrets only God could unfold
Trying to make wishes into reality
I want something I can hold
But I was told wishes are for suckers
There is no dreaming in this world
Hope is for the weak
The strong just do
And I tried my best to live up to you
Somethings just can't be done
Somethings just can't be won
But I still dream
Dream of a better life
Try to make those dreams into reality
I want something more in this life

I don't understand pain
Or why I seem to be more depressed when it rains
Dark days
Seem to bring out the poet in me
But for some reason I never show it
The lightning strikes
The thunder booms
And all I can think about is you
But I push those thoughts away
Maybe save them for another rainy day
But what is pain?
And why do I always seem to go through it
Bad luck I guess
May be depressed?
But none the less
Writing seems to make me think about my past
Which is scary
That's one thing I hate most of all
It's the reason I fall
But my future
Is the reason I get back up
The reason I don't cut
Why I always chose to love

I feel like the words I say and the thoughts in my head
Never quite match up
The words I feel
And the words I say
Always get jumbled
And I'm left discouraged while shaking my head
I feel like what's in my heart and what people see
Don't always agree
I can be sweet
But don't mess with me
If I could record what's in my heart and play it like a DVD
Telling the girl how I feel
Would be the easiest thing
And yet
I take my words and somehow translate them into emotions
Just two minutes of honesty to one day show them
That I am more then I appear
I somehow find a way to show people that I am real
I sometimes feel like my words are never sincere
And yet I never stop talking
So maybe I'll learn to shut up
Maybe then I won't ***** up
Sometimes I make jokes so I don't break down
Maybe if I keep talking
I can make people believe that every little thing isn't always what it seems
So now I'll just keep smiling

We met over the flat lands of dream chasing
Where our common passion and will brought us 13,000 feet into the stars
Fire pits and lunch bells had never brought people closer to a reachable goal
She was the definition of beauty
With quiet hints of fire and eloquence
She could move mountains
And that's what she did
You could see it in her eyes
True desire for completion
She grew as tall as the trees we were surrounded by
And they could not contain her
She was as free and bold as the mountain peaks we lived on
As calm and gentle as the breeze that embraced us each morning
And as mysterious as the secrets she never told
The rocky paths we took jolted our heartbeats and shook our cores
But brought us to our destinies
She wanted nothing more than to be a small ripple in that lake
A small dose of change in a world that needed something more
She became my rock
That supported me on my way to self discovery
She never chipped
She never cracked under the heat or pressure
She watched as I burned everything that made me who I was
She became the wind that blew me into the right direction
And the trails that lead me home safely
That mountain captivated us only for a short moment
But she is still captivating me to this day
And nothing was more breathtaking then the views from Mingus Mountain
Until I left the mountain and really looked at her

I don't know if you see me
Or if you would even want to
I don't know if you could forgive me
But I have to let you go
I let my guilt take over the fact that I wasn't there for you
Which made me believe I was the reason you made such a drastic decision
Even though you never believed it
I do love you whole heartedly
My feelings just could never be expressed the way you wanted them to be
And I wasn't the perfect girlfriend but I seemed to be perfect for you
If that doesn't show your character then I don't know what will
Everything happened so quickly and it kills me that I have this great life without you
Don't think of this as my goodbye because I know I will see you soon
But right now my life is on pause because I lost you
So if I ever loved you
I have to let you go
Even though by doing that I let go of my heart and soul

I'm awake
I see everything clearly
You saw what was happening to me
And knew something needed to be done
I can't promise that I wont feel pain
But I will do my best to get through each day
I'm no longer afraid
You taught me that if I wasn't happy
Then I should change
You made it clear that it wouldn't be easy
But it was possible
Sometimes life knocks you down
And as soon as you are about to get back up
It kicks you
I'm sorry I stayed down for so long
During that time my heart just couldn't go on
But you always knew I was strong
People look at me and think I have everything together
But don't be fooled by my confidence
It's not always real
At first I thought I was changing for you
But now I know I'm changing for me
Because I let everything build and build
Until it caves in on me
Not anymore
3 months clean
And most people won't know what that means
But it means everything
I can't believe how far I've come
I can't believe how strong I can be

I've started forming my own army
I've killed myself 6 times in my head already
But I'm actionless
Unemotional
I go through the motions
Holding my hands together
Rocking back and forth
Distorting my senses and breaking from barriers
My fingers dangling my fears like puppets
And I can't control them
My mind cutting the strings loose unleashing my insecurities
I'm reaching for greater meaning but successfully being defeated
And all my hopes and dreams are just waiting to be achieved
The only problem is me
My body says move but my brain says I'm tired
Unmotivated
Scared
Ashamed
Not good enough
I have people in my ear telling me to give it up
So if I jump I might not make it
It's a long way down and I can't fake my way around
I'm only 19 and I can't picture my life 10 years from now
I'm stuck between what's expected of me and what I want for myself
I'm stuck between a decent job and my dreams
And my parents don't see it but every second spent here just makes it harder to breathe
Life outside of where I am now is what I see for me
But the way my mind is wired, I'm just one big ticking time bomb
Fading in and out of reality and make believe
Never having stability because it scares me
And honestly I'm one bad decision away from my own place in the ground and soul in the sky
I don't want to hurt anyone but I always thought I would die at the hands of my demons
Hitting 18 was a big moment for me
Hitting 19 was just lucky
20 in 3 months and I'm just keeping my eyes closed
Holding my breath
This world will ******* up and you just never know
I made a promise
**** I made a hundred promises
And sometimes you just let people down

I've been struggling lately
I've never felt like I was worth much
So the idea of suicide was always in the back of my mind
There have been times where breathing even became a burden
The nights when I didn't sleep became unrelenting
Normal everyday conversations took all of my energy
I didn't really see anything in me
And when it came to Kai
I gathered all my life just so I could keep hers going
Until I ran out
After losing her there wasn't much left of me
I have a friend who has been trying to convince me to stay
But I have one broken heart and one stubborn brain
But she is beautiful with a smart mouth and when she talks, I listen
And if she can see something in me then I should be able to see something in myself
Life is meant to change
Every day
Every second
The more you fight it the more you hurt yourself
I've hurt myself for far too long
She told me that if I left, she'd be heartbroken
Just like I was when Kai left
I know suicide is the wrong answer to a question with multiple solutions
I'm slowly regaining my life
I have to use what's deep inside
And continue preventing suicide

I can feel it
Coming in like a storm
Creeping up and spreading like roots breaking through the earth
I can tell
That it's going to be bad this time
And it's not about stopping it
It's about slowing it down
Gaining enough ground and holding my own
This feeling hits close to home
Like pictures that pinpoint memories that break you
Memories that confine your state of mind
I keep quiet
Who wants to be the girl who can't shake off a few hits
Can't move past the mist that's covered her mental state
Some things never change
Like the way a blade feels
Cold but familiar
The scars never quite fade completely
Heartbreak never really gets easy
It's definitely coming
And it's not about finding the best ways to cope
It's about making it out alive
19 years strong
I hope I can add a few more on

I remember the way my chest felt
Like when you reach the top on a roller coaster and you are waiting to fall
You lift out of your seat and you stomach rises into your lungs
That's when I knew I was going to love you
I remember walking into that hat shop in downtown Denver
One of my favorite places ever
Helping you wear a beanie properly
Pushing the hair away from your forehead
Putting my arm around you in the midst of bright lights and strangers
We were alive and unafraid
And I remember making a choice
Between falling or walking away
But none of that mattered
Because we were now in a new state
With sand and mountains and cacti
We were falling in love in the desert
Thousands of miles from our homes
Young and stupid
I remember the ring
The room
The way you felt up against my skin
And then I remember how it hurt
Hurt to breathe
To form sentences
To hold back my tears
It hurt to live
It hurt to stand alone in my own presence
To see you as someone completely different
I remember the alcohol
And the street
The sound of cars as they rushed passed me unaware of my existence
I can't remember our last kiss
Today I remember our love
Our seemingly perfect life together
Our almost 1 year anniversary
And one day I will forget
The color of your eyes
Your tattoos
Kissing you in the mornings
But I will never forget this day
I will never forget laying in my cot with you pressed against me
Asking to be my girlfriend
I will never forget loving you

I wonder what my future holds
I try to picture it in my head
Waiting for it to unfold
Before I end up dead
All of my mistakes
All of my regrets
Will finally wash away
Everything will be okay
One day

I picture the perfect girl
And I know she is out there
Waiting for my turn
Hoping that I learn
That I actually matter
And she will love me
And I will love her
Everything will be great
One day

The past is the past
I'm moving too fast
To look back
A set of traps
But I move around them
And one day everything will change
One day you will all be amazed
For I will have succeeded
And everyone who believed in me
Will be rewarded
And everyone who doubted me
Will be left speechless
One day

Everything is not okay
She doesn't want to be with me anymore
She's not ready for commitment
Even though she was the one pushing for a relationship
I cut for the first time in over a year
I got wasted and was going to end it all
And the worst part is I would still do anything for her
I'm avoiding people
I can't sleep and I haven't eaten in three days
I'll be leaving for Texas soon and she will be there
How could I give my heart away like that
She is seeing someone else
That was fast
I'm drinking more and more
I'm taking box cutters from my project to fuel my addiction
And yet we talk every day
I can't keep myself away from her
She draws me in
I don't think I can live this life anymore
I've come so close and yet I'm still so far
At first I had all this time right in front of me
Now I have a few more weeks with the people who are my family
I'm drinking almost every day now
Any time I can get my hands on alcohol it floods into my system and brings trouble
People are worried
They have never seen me like this and I haven't either
I want to numb my pain
We are back in Denver with two weeks left
I get my alcohol from a store down the street from where we are staying
I just gave my friend the only box cutter I had
We are all watching an ultimate frisbee tournament
I sneak away to find a blade
I walk to three different stores until I can find one
I've hit a new low
We are at the airport
We are all dressed in the same uniform
With bags in our hands and tears in our eyes
No one thought it would be this difficult
I watch my best friend and soulmate walk down the stairs and through security
I fall back into the wall and cry
I'm now back home
It is empty with no life
I sit on the floor of my kitchen at 1a.m. and wonder how it all happened so fast....

So you say that your hearts not ready
Do you believe that mine was steady
And now I hope you figure out
That I'm not coming back
You've missed what we could of had

I'm a fool
For falling for you
Spending all this time
Trying to make you mine
So I set you free
And I'll miss your company
But I'm not waiting anymore
Its time for me to take off and explore

I tried to give you time
But you were practically blind
And I hope you realize
That I'm not waiting around
You can stay lost but I'm waiting to be found

You and I aren't meant to be
So I'll gladly set you free
To be left alone in your company
I can't push till you can't breathe
So its the end to what we could be
I hope you miss my company

I remember when I set boundaries
Because that seemed more logical than free falling
I remember when you asked to kiss me
Because my fear created roadblocks that stopped you before you got too close
I remember holding your hand under the table at the restaurant
Because if people saw they would ask questions
Our life choices somehow brought us together
My love for you will live forever

I remember texting you to meet in the bathroom at the fair grounds
Because we were separated
I remember falling asleep on you in the van
Because long days equaled short nights
And I hated watching you walk away
I remember writing poems about being scared to love
Only resulting in me telling you I loved you while tears streamed down your face
I went from being scared to take one step forward to completely running full force into your life
I don't regret anything
I will make you my wife

I remember falling
I remember all of the little things pointing me to you
If only life had brought us together sooner
We both wouldn't have had to endure so much pain
I would have spent my days watching over you
Because life is a game
And you are my finish line
The only thing left is to take your name and start the rest of my life being so naturally happy

There is a spot by the lake that holds my fondest memory
We were 15 years old
When we sat on the rocks and watched the sun spin spirals of orange and purple across the sky
She was mesmerized by the oil painted landscape and I was blown away by the way the lake reflected off of her eyes
We kissed
And for a moment we began to blend in with our surroundings
Fading into the background and grasping onto our innocence
I think of this moment often
It was before we became ****** into the destruction of ourselves
It was before our own personal battles with depression collided becoming one massive world war
Before we used each other to feel again
Even if that feeling was pain
Because nothing was worse than looking at the girl you loved and not being able to remember why it was all worth it
We lost ourselves somewhere in the masses
And every time I see the sky light up and dance, I think of her
Wounds never truly heal
They only become scars
Even after months of dirt, sweat, and new experiences, scars never really fade
They only blend in with the rest of what the world around you has left behind
Watching the sunset is kind of like remembering that relationship
Everything is breathtaking
With suns and colors that stretch far beyond what you imagined
You can just sit and smile and know that it is good
And then before you know it
It's pitch black and you can't see your hand in front of your face
You can't make out where you are
And we didn't get anymore sunsets
We only got a dark void in between what we started with and what I have now
Sunsets hold a special place in my heart
They're not right next to you
But all around you
Cradling your presence
Bringing you up to the sky each night for me to remember

I've been told not to rush
Or I'll miss my chance
But when every sprint turns into a marathon
The idea of taking my time just doesn't sit right
And if I'm supposed to make the first move
Please.. let me know
Otherwise we will continue to remain clueless
Because between you and me
I've never been very good at making the first move
We can talk for hours at a time
And my mind
Will somehow forget to inform me that our whole conversation consisted of flirting
If you want me to catch on then you need to write it in the sky
Or leave me a letter with step by step directions
Telling me exactly what you're feeling
So I can translate your secret code and understand
I feel like I'm standing in quick sand
And you are on the outside
I can see you
But the more I struggle to reach you
The deeper I sink
And if I stand still I have a perfect view of who you are
I like how you say you're an open book
And each page is uncharted territory that brings me into your past
The more I read
The more I want to know
Just tell me when you want me to stop
Tell me when I reach a point that was unbearably hard
So I can reach a better understanding of what you've been through
You say your life consists of many books with lots of chapters
Just give me some time and I will have read everything
But you need to tell me
You need to say if I'm moving too fast or too slow
You need to tell me if we are friends or something more
Because I have never been this intrigued by a girl before
And whether or not this goes anywhere
Just let me know if this is going to be a marathon or a sprint
I'll be here if you want me to be here

This is so great I'm finally out of high school
My friend died from a drug overdose
We just graduated
What about his future?
Oh my god
The girl I loved
She committed suicide
I told her not to talk to me anymore
We both needed a lot of help
I think every emotion has left my body
The world is no longer nice and forgiving
Her parents are blaming me
They call and leave me text messages
They don't realize that I lost her too
No one is really asking if I'm okay
I kind of want to drop dead
I leave for Colorado soon and now I don't think it's a good idea
I'm too damaged
I'm saying goodbye to my parents at the airport
They don't know how relieved I am
Colorado is big and beautiful and unlike anything I've ever seen
There are so many people around me right now
All from different states and backgrounds
It is so overwhelming but they all feel like my family
My first project starts soon
I'll be staying in Denver
I'm working at a homeless shelter and food bank
There are so many families struggling
There is this girl
And she is beautiful
I'm kind of scared to get close to her
She makes me feel something
I broke it off
That is just too much right now
Well crap
We are both going to be in Arizona together
We'll be living and working together
Wow I'm falling in love
Like the kind of love that makes you smile all the time
Soon we'll be on separate projects
I had to say goodbye to her
I walked behind a truck and started crying
She is the woman I want to marry
Now I'm living on a mountain
There are so many stars in the sky
I feel so small
I'll be seeing her soon
We are spending the weekend together
I think we are going to have *** for the first time
I hope I'm good at it
That was good
That was really good
I only have a few more weeks on the mountain and then we are all going back to Denver
Then it's spring break with her
I love being in love
Well we're back in Denver
Things are kind of weird
She doesn't really want to be around me
I think she just needs some space and everything will be okay....

Now I've hit rock bottom
I've cut
I've drank
I let everything slip away
Life doesn't seem worth it
The universe has reveresed it
I went from being on top of the world
To falling so hard that it made everything around me shake
Why can't I be happy?
Why did I rely on her to make me happy?
Why did everything seem perfect when deep down I know that's not how it works
If you could see me right now you wouldn't know where to look
I'm lost
I literally have no direction
If you handed me a map with step by step directions I would probably eat it
I actually can't eat anything
Why should I care when she's no longer there
I ****** up
And she doesn't want to deal with it
But when it came to her crazy mood swings I took the brunt of it
I walked up a mountain for her
Not a metaphorical mountain
I actually mean a ******* mountain
Everyday so I could try and make her pain go away
Now mines here to stay
She thinks I'm changing
But in reality I'm trying to grasp some form of sanity
Because I gave her a ring along with my heart and she knew exactly what to do
I don't even like this game anymore
I forfeit
I lose
And I just want my joy again
I lost it when I cried because another girl stole my light again
And I know I'm not perfect but I thought I was worth it
I'm angry
And all I did was try to understand
That life is complicated and we don't always have solid plans
But why would you let me fall for you
I just scrapped myself off the floor
And you watched me do that
I can't keep putting myself back together
I've finally learned that
Rock bottom will be my wake up call
I don't need your support at all
I gave you all I had
But it's not what you wanted
Someday someone will want it

I think I'm tired
My body feels restless but my mind is always ignited
I always feel like it's moving from one possibility to the next
Like a shark
If a shark stops swimming it will die
If I stop allowing my mind to turn back and forth I will succumb to my body
I can see my chest rise and fall but I no longer know if anything is alive inside me
You would think that flowers grow in the sunlight but that's not always the case
Some grow in the shade
And I don't want to fall behind
But I no longer know my place
I'm not sure where I stand
I feel like my brain doesn't get enough blood
It's all been rushed to my heart to keep it pumping
To keep it from shattering under the pressure of my chest
I cut because of something you said
It made my heart hurt
I felt it stutter and stop for a second
You still control so much of me
Do not call me strong
I had to prove her wrong
I had to not keep her words in my gut
I had to get them out
I can't tell anyone
They all think I've stopped
So this is our little secret and everything will be okay
Everything will be okay
Will be okay
Will be okay
Will be okay
You can't make yourself not feel
Even emptiness is something that's felt
You can feel the air inside you where your organs used to be
You can feel your soul flouting around in you
Tell me you don't feel that
Even when I feel empty I can feel your words being the only dense matter inside me
And when I try to let go it just breaks up into pieces refusing to vacate
And all I do is just breathe
Not fully aware that you are still so very much alive in me
I was hoping you would have died months ago
I can see my chest rise and fall
But I know I'm just bringing in air
Air that pushes you around
All the blood goes to my heart because it's trying to fix what you destroyed
Flowers can't survive a hail storm

I want to leave a message to my past self
You saw the world from a pin sized hole in a plastic cup
That never seemed to let enough sunshine in
You saw each day as an unbearable 24 hours
Each second made you shrivel up inside your own skin
Everything that would take you away seemed so close
Like soul on soul interaction seemed more logical
You never once saw anything in you
Other than blood and organs that just proved that you were nothing special
Everyone else seemed to have them too
You played a game of chess with yourself ensuring that you wouldn't lose
You were weak
And I mean bone snapping from a gust of wind, weak
Every blow left another hole
You didn't want to die
You wanted to be saved
Find a stable place
Where the walls didn't cave
You held on by fingertips
Off a cliff
Called your life a cliffhanger
You ached for something real and humble to bring you relieve
You searched for it in everything
You loved enough for two people
That's why your relationships failed
And in the end the only thing that made sense was hurting yourself
Taking bits and pieces of the inner workings of the things you held onto
Ripping away everything that made you human
I want you to know that I won't let you hurt anymore
Your biggest enemy has always been yourself
I won't give up on you

I want to leave a message to my past self

You're okay now
I took care of it

You question things to the point where your head fills with doubts and misconceptions
I understand that
I told you that you needed to find someone to change your expectations
I'm trying to be that person
I will always be the one to reassure you
If I can't tell you then I will show you
I have never been the one to fall without even jumping
If I didn't have you the world would never hold as much beauty as it does when I look at you
Never think that I want someone else
I would rather have you and nothing else then have everything without you
You bring light where there is darkness and if I have the privilege to have you forever I can die happy
I will better myself for you because you deserve the world wrapped in a bow
My heart is yours and even though it's damaged, you still find it beautiful
I will never let you down
I leave the past in the past and I won't look back because you won't be there
I never imagined this happening but I would never ask for a redo

I'm afraid to move on from you
I'm afraid that love has come and gone and now it will never come back
If I sit here and hold onto your words then it's like you never left me
1 stupid month feels like an eternity
And why is it that now that you are gone I am finally able to appreciate you
I'm stuck here holding our memories in my hands and I can't let go
I can't drop you
You who were so unbelievably everything that I ever wanted
You who were so unexpected which makes everything so precious
Why did you do this to me?
Why did you do this to your family?
Why would you take it all away without letting me know?
You promised me that if you were leaving you would say something
Don't act like I didn't spend my birthday talking you down off the edge
Don't act like I didn't beg you to stay here even though being here was hell for you
I'm sorry I couldn't love you
We talked about our future like we weren't young and dumb
Like we were grown or something
We talked about our future like we both still weren't stuck in the past
And I don't know if you thought this way too but
Even when we weren't together I could never let go of you
I don't know what that says about me
If somehow you see me writing this please know that my unhappiness was never because of you
If anything it was because of me
If somehow you see me writing this
This was everything I couldn't say
Everything that held me back from fully loving you
And maybe if I had just let go of my past
You would still be apart of my present and possibly my future
I'm typing this on my phone and after I typed future, the word wife popped up
Its funny because we talked about getting married
And it's sad because we talked about getting married
Maybe if I was able to say all of this sooner
These words could have stopped you
I wish I could have stopped you
Did anyone try to stop you?

This high school is big
I don't really know anyone and no one really knows me
I met this girl that makes me feel both happy and sad
She does a lot of drugs but I think there could be something between us
My head hurts
I crashed into a wall playing basketball and now I don't really feel the same
I'm angry a lot
She is starting to do more drugs and I've started cutting
High school is not what I thought it would be
I'm starting to make new friends because she's not talking to me anymore
I think she was in the hospital over the summer or something
I think everyone knows I'm gay
I don't really talk about it but I think it's obvious
******* my mom just asked me if I was gay
Should I lie?
**** now my whole family knows
I'm in love with this girl
And the cool thing is, is that she loves me too
I still cut everyday
The only person who knows is my best friend and I don't think she knows what to do
A kid put a note on my locker that said ******
How did he even know where my locker was?
People are mad and I'm just kind of numb
High school is not what I thought it would be
I'm now a junior and this year is going pretty well
I'm still in love but she is becoming really depressed
I think my mind is playing tricks on me
I keep seeing myself dying
I don't really want to die but maybe it would make things better
Everyone is taking about college but I've never really been book smart
I also sleep a lot in class so that doesn't help me either
But there is this really cool program called AmeriCorps NCCC
I could travel and help a lot of people
I think I'll look into it
Wow I'm a senior
I'm no longer with that girl I loved
Things got really complicated
Someone hacked my Facebook and called me ****** again
I wish people had new insults
My friends are *******
I just kind of wish I was straight
I applied for AmeriCorps but my dad says I won't get in
I don't really have a backup plan
I promised my best friend I would stop cutting so I'm going to try
I also think I'm going to get a tattoo to cover some scars but I'm kind of nervous
My head hurts again
I got knocked into the bleachers at track practice
And now it hurts when it's loud and bright outside
My whole season is ruined
Hey
I got accepted into AmeriCorps
I'm going to Colorado in October
Things are really coming together
I haven't cut in 4 whole months
I graduated high school today....

The past is the past for a reason
Difference in seasons
Lock me up for treason
My on going thoughts leave me heavily breathing
I cannot believe what I am seeing
We are all addicted to something
I'm addicted to the need to capture things
Like your heart
I'm addicted to this art
It pulls me apart
Just to put me back together
I am a rubber band
Don't stretch me too far
I don't continuously expand
I get pulled then slowly snap back
I don't wear snapbacks
They mess up my hair
My mind is a mess
Constantly moving and excluding
You can't sit here
What if I just disappeared
Into thin air
Magic is everywhere
Just look at us all here
That's pretty magical
Like Cinderella and the ball gown
Haters go straight down
You'll find them all there
Along with my fears
When people stare
I must be doing something right
I take flight
Go beyond air
Makes me feel alright
I don't do well with goodbyes
It means the end
I'm not good with see ya later either
Later is never promised
Do I just end things
Or pray that I make it to later
I would never date her
She's to stuck up for me
Stuck in a tree
Of high expectations
And I'm afraid of heights
Like continuously falling
Without reaching the end
Does time really end
Or do we just give up
It's a funny story
Actually it's pretty tragic
My love for you is like the Lost City of Atlantis
I believe in it
But you will never see it
My heart opens just to snap
Like a mouse trap
Don't get trapped
Unless you are able to adapt
The endings of poems are always the hardest
Is this a good place to rest my subconscious
****, why not
It's my poem

Should I run away
Or should I stay
Knowing that this environment will always lay in my brain
And I'm afraid
That someday
I won't turn out okay
But I can't stay
Locked away
In this prison of hate
People don't see
That it is destroying me
How can I be
Who I'm meant to be
When everything around me
Is disintegrating
And I am slowly dying
Trying to find a silver lining
When deep inside
It isn't worth trying to realize
That I don't deserve this
Its a hit and miss
Why should I try
To live inside a self destructive time bomb
Its just too strong
To take on
So I'll move along

I'm sitting here on my bed counting down the days
The days until I leave this place
The days until I mark another month without you
Don't worry
This is not another poem about losing her
If I've learned anything
It's that I can fall flat on my face and still manage to feel something everyday
And if you don't believe me
You can check my arms for faded scars that I used to numb my pain
I say faded because I'm 9 months clean
I say clean because I haven't caused blood to mark up my skin in a long time
I feel very accomplished
I've also learned that day by day I find new reasons to smile
Like realizing that suicide has not crossed my mind in over a year
Because I have finally found reasons to stay here and it's not just to make you happy
I've turned my self deprecating life into reflection and self healing
Which I can proudly say is starting to work
I used to sit in my room and think about all the ways that I had been defeated instead of getting up and fighting back
I was a boxer falling apart in my corner giving up before the first round started
Why did I let that happen?
It's easier to go along with everyone's negativity than to be the only one standing tall
I've never been one to follow the crowd but I let them bring my mood down
You want to know something else
The thought of being alone used to terrify me
Now I can sit happily at a park or in my room and feel nothing but positive vibes
I've made life changing changes in a few short weeks that benefit not only me but others around me
I never want to go back to that place where my best friend found me
I'm here
I'm alive
If you knew me before this poem
I couldn't always say those things

I should give up now
The effects of my high are fading and now I'm starting to feel it
I honestly don't believe it
But I have no more questions
Love doesn't really exist
It's just all a lesson
But with you, it was real
I actually felt again
I wasn't worried about the past coming up again
I thought you were the one
I mean I actually had faith
All those other girls couldn't even find their place in my heart
But you had the whole thing
I gave it away when you got that ring
And I'm not trying to hurt you
Or make you out to be the bad guy
But I'm dead inside
Totally paralyzed by the effects of you leaving
I wouldn't even call it grieving
I just want you in my life
Because with you the hard times didn't seem so bad
You just make things easier
You know me better than the people I'm related to
You speak the truth
I know I shouldn't have listened to those people who don't really know the depths of me and you
The start of this poem is starting to not be true
I'm okay
You're okay
But I still love you
I guess that's how it'll be for awhile
And I know I will see you from time to time
But now we can actually speak to each other
I won't have to walk away or not stay
And I'm okay with that
I don't know if my feelings will ever change
But soon it won't even matter
We'll go back to our normal lives on different planets
That scares me
I don't want to let you go
I don't want to say goodbye
Now I'm just rambling while watching planes fly by
I know things will never be the same
But if you ever need me
Don't hesitate to call
I would never let you fall

Can we just start over?
Hi I'm Jackie I met you downtown on the corner of coincidence and destiny
If you would like to reach me you can come to the middle of the ocean
Where I threw my heartbeat and pulse for a fisherman to catch
Its useless to me now but maybe someone else can use it
If God decided to strike me down with lightening I would very much appreciate it
I need something to charge me up and make me feel alive again
So I'll stare at the sun and wait for the colors to fade into the atmosphere
Why can't you save anyone?
Why can't we all be someone's superhero?
Instead we find ways to be villains so we can trick people into loving us
When we can't even find a stable place for ourselves
Tell me how any of this is fair
Tell me why I'm here and she's not
I dream about falling off a mountain
The part that bothers me is that I never hit the ground
I fall into perpetual motion dazed and confused
I wake up only to realize that my whole life has been that dream
I'm always falling
So before you get close to me please know that none of this came easily
There are tiny pieces of my heart that I leave with everyone I meet
Unfortunately she took most of it
You seem like a nice girl but I am not so nice
I'm taking into consideration that my strength is based on my will
I'm walking down the path that will hopefully tell me who I am
Maybe she is who I am
But if I dwell on every bad thing my world will stop like hers did
We can't stop as soon as we start sinking
Who else is going to pull us out of the water
So I'll end this with a simple thought
I am not ready for you

I believe in love
I believe in second chances
I believe in people
And God

I believe in sunsets on cold nights and walks along the coast
I believe in giving back
I believe in hope
And wisdom

I believe in spaghetti on Christmas
I believe in Taco Tuesday
I believe in grilled cheese when I'm intoxicated
And playing ultimate frisbee even though it's given me two concussions

I believe in soulmates
I believe in true love
I believe in love at first sight
And a broken heart being the worst pain imaginable

I believe in you
I believe in me
I believe in our ability to create a better understanding of each other
And sarcastic conversations over the phone

I believe in everything I've experienced
I believe in pain
I believe in frustration
But more importantly I believe in the potential to define all odds

And to fly even when the world is fighting to keep you grounded

I am about to be honest for a real quick second
And if you don't like my message
You can quietly exit
I have not lived a easy life
I have seen every roadblock every setback
That made me believe I deserved all of that
I cursed myself
I cursed God
Whoever was in my sights I hated
I blamed everyone for my own sadness
And instead of picking my head up
I faded into blackness
All I wanted was a life I thought I deserved
A life I thought I earned
But in reality
What have I done?
Who have I helped or encouraged?
I took my life for granted and never thanked a single person
I was selfish
Putting my pity on everyone
Instead of trying to figure out how I could help someone
And I call myself a Christian
I call myself a leader
I used those words to fill holes in my head to make myself believe that I was doing something right
And for what?
A pat on the back
And a thumbs up
Some fake respect and meaningless praise
That only led me further from the truth
I sit here now
And think of everything that brought me here
Whether it was worth it or not
Well I don't know yet
All I can say is that without a doubt in my mind
I can look you dead in the eye
And say that I want to change the world
I want to be a leader
A dream chaser
A goal seeker
A believer
I want people to think of me and know that I made a difference
Whether or not they knew me at all
I want to help people
In the way that I couldn't help myself
And when I die
I want people to know that I did everything I could
To make myself better
All I've ever wanted was to look in the mirror and see someone who never gave up
God put me here
In this town
In this house
In certain people's lives
And if you read this I promise to make a difference
I promise to change lives

I am trying not to fall apart in front of everybody right now
The thought of standing on stable ground was before you came here and rocked the boat
Stole my coat with the pockets that held my love notes
You don't even know what you did to me
If I have to stand here and shack just so I can stay standing
Then don't look at me and think I have some type of problem
My only problem is that I can't fully express my ongoing problem
I see you looking at me
The only thing is your eyes go right through me
You don't even take the time to get a glimpse of my soul
You look then shift gears onto the next person so you don't figure someone out
You purposely miss puzzle pieces so you don't get the full picture
But all that does is leave someone unfinished
I feel unfinished
Like if a stranger were to look at me they could see the gaping holes that you left
Because apparently I wasn't good enough for you
Like my talents and qualities weren't what you were looking for
But you never even fully looked at me
You saw what you wanted to see
You saw what other people told you to see
I stand here fully aware that at any moment a gust of wind could come and take me
I can lie and say I'm totally put together
But who even listens to a broken record
You don't know me
And if you know me you know that having it together and keeping it together are two totally different things with me
If you try and lean on me just know that you may come tumbling down with me
Not on purpose
Sometimes I just can't handle the weight
If you give me the world I might just drag it because my shoulders are used to holding your tears and nothing else
Please if you want to hurt me get in line
By the time you reach me I won't put up a fight
I will graciously fall to my knees
Because continuously taking blows to the chin gets a little tiring
So let me sit here
By the time you get here
You will have already defeated me

She sat across the room from me
Pondering about her life and lost love
I sat there smiling
Because I had found mine
We were only 16
And had nothing figured out
She had given up
But I continued to fight
I wanted her
She was searching for light
And as we sat across from each other
I desperately needed her eyes
Desperately searched for her love
But never found it
And I became stuck between self pity and heartache
And out of the blue
She found love

And once again
I find myself holding onto your last words
As if it's a rope
If I let go
I plummet to the ground
My heart and soul would splatter all over the windows
I looked through them as if I was I looking at you
I pray that God took you in and gave you a home
The home that you searched for
The home that we talked about
The home that would welcome and accept you
The home that you would one day let me into
I tell myself that if I just close my eyes every night
One night will come when I do not open them
Which is why I still choose to go to sleep
Two months has passed and it doesn't even feel like a week
How am I supposed to live the rest of my life
I walk around this house wishing you were here to make it a home
These stairs creak as if they are missing pieces of their being
I creak inside because I'm missing pieces of my being
The pieces that had your name on them
The pieces that I wrapped up and specially gave to you
The pieces that held me together
The pieces that are no longer there
Ah man what am I even doing?
What am I even saying?
My heart and my brain are on opposite sides of the spectrum
My heart holds onto you like my last living breath
My brain pushes you away like you were never really mine
But you're dead
And I can't say that out loud
It pierces my ears and makes my bones shake
I want to say it out loud
If I do then it all becomes real
If I do then I know I will finally believe it
I just can't say it
That would mean giving up on you