I am about to be honest for a real quick second
And if you don't like my message
You can quietly exit
I have not lived a easy life
I have seen every roadblock every setback
That made me believe I deserved all of that
I cursed myself
I cursed God
Whoever was in my sights I hated
I blamed everyone for my own sadness
And instead of picking my head up
I faded into blackness
All I wanted was a life I thought I deserved
A life I thought I earned
But in reality
What have I done?
Who have I helped or encouraged?
I took my life for granted and never thanked a single person
I was selfish
Putting my pity on everyone
Instead of trying to figure out how I could help someone
And I call myself a Christian
I call myself a leader
I used those words to fill holes in my head to make myself believe that I was doing something right
And for what?
A pat on the back
And a thumbs up
Some fake respect and meaningless praise
That only led me further from the truth
I sit here now
And think of everything that brought me here
Whether it was worth it or not
Well I don't know yet
All I can say is that without a doubt in my mind
I can look you dead in the eye
And say that I want to change the world
I want to be a leader
A dream chaser
A goal seeker
A believer
I want people to think of me and know that I made a difference
Whether or not they knew me at all
I want to help people
In the way that I couldn't help myself
And when I die
I want people to know that I did everything I could
To make myself better
All I've ever wanted was to look in the mirror and see someone who never gave up
God put me here
In this town
In this house
In certain people's lives
And if you read this I promise to make a difference
I promise to change lives

I wait for your phone call
I wait for the relieving text message where you say everything was a lie
I wait and sit and wonder
I cry until my eyes hurt
Until I can't breathe
Until everything becomes blurry behind my tears
Until I fall asleep
Until I see you again

I read our old messages
I play back old conversations in my head until I can't tell if they are real or not
I sit and picture your face, your eyes, your smile
I think of everything I did wrong
Until I hate myself
Until I regret pushing you away
Until living without you seems like a waste of time
Until I can't think of loving anyone else but you

I wait for the day I will wake up and still have you in my life
I wait for this nightmare to be over
I pray that it's a joke
I wonder if I did this to you
Until I go numb
Until I think about the last time I told you I loved you and whether or not you believed me
Until I think about the phone call when your mother told me you were dead

I wait and wait and wait
Until I see a text saying you still love me

Why did I always ignore them

It was raining cats and dogs
Even though cats and dogs are supposed to bring happiness
There was nothing happy about the way the sky looked that night
The storm came in stages and patterns
Breaking down the walls that kept her safe
The clouds moved as swiftly as a dancer
Drowning out the sun and its warmth
No one saw it coming
No one saw the signs that were written in their hearts
We blocked out everything that was different
The storm came
The weather changed
We ran in different directions never looking back
How can you live when all you do is block out everything that reminds you that you're living
How can you stop yourself from feeling
The storm wiped out the love that we had
Turned us bad
We waited for the rainbow that showed signs of hope
But did nothing but stare out the window that pointed directly to our souls
We left our homes
Our lives seemed based around this storm
We became drones to the world around us
Untangling our pasts like they were knots holding us back
Using to for rope to go over the edge
To somehow find our silver lining
We stood at the edge questioning how far the fall was
We saw the storm roll in like a gang ready to battle for their pride
We jumped
Asking no questions
We gave into the rhythm around us
Pounding in our heads and hearts leading us out of the dark
We hit the ground and stood toe to toe with the storm
That chased us for years
Never having the courage to face it
Our strength became endless and we fought for our right to feel again
And even after taking blow after blow
We kept progressing
Until we saw our rainbow
I can't tell you what it feels like to stand up after a great battle
Knees weak
Arms shaking
We became fighters that day

She's the type of person who is annoyingly independent
Who won't ask for help or show any signs of struggling
She won't go against her faith for petty sin
Won't turn her back on the people who made her whole again
She's the type of person who will follow her dreams
Even when they take her far away
Will stand up for what's right even when everyone thinks she's wrong
She jumps full force into love but will back away to where its safe
You would never know her problems or secrets unless you ask
And I mean a million times
She smiles at the people who hate her and never gives them the satisfaction they desperately crave
She doesn't feed into drama
You won't find her doing anything she doesn't want too
But she'll surprise you when does something unexpected
You know she cares more then she will say
And you always know that as long as you are real
She will be real with you
Whether she believes it or not, you look up to her
She holds wisdom far beyond her years
And all you can do is thank her

My brain seems to get more damaged each day
These unstoppable rays of sunshine leave me in a haze
I'm amazed that I'm able to function
I'm stuck in between an unthinkable junction
That makes me wonder if life is all its cracked up to be
I sit in darkness with my hands over my forehead
And let the pain and my brain duke it out
I pass out from exhaustion never to find out who wins
Great battles happen between my eyes
And believe me
These explosions look better in movies
My vision goes in and out like when you blink rapidly
Clear
Blurry
Distorted
I don't even know what I'm looking at anymore
They say when you fall you should get back up
Believe me if my body remembered gravity I would stand on my own two feet
Without questioning the laws of physics
I could just stand without thinking the world was wobbly
Brain damage will hopefully damage the memories that I hold
Because a little memory loss might do my heart some good
This concussion does not play around
Each day makes me lose ground
My emotions plummet and then sore to the sky
Light and noise make it so my thoughts freeze and my heart skips a beat
Whatever is going on in my head
Won't let me sleep
Writing this was a struggle
My writing is becoming painful

What I've learned about death
Is that it can creep up on you
And steal your sunshine
Break your windows
And let the cold in
It can leave you devastated
To the point where you have to rebuild

What I've learned about life
Is that its the biggest blessing
The greatest gift
If you do it right
It can leave you totally satisfied
With the wind at your back
Only pushing you forward

What I've learned about death
Is that there are terrible ways to go
That make it seem like someone was worthless
You can find somebody totally unlike themselves
Mangled and bruised
Destroyed on the outside
But worse on the inside

What I've learned about life
Is that it can bring someone amazing
Someone intoxicating to point that it leaves you speechless
Bringing love like it was left at your doorstep
Only to realize that no one has ever made you feel more alive
And life would seem pointless without them
And you have no idea why

What I've learned about death
Is that it took away that special person
Took her without leaving anything for me to hold onto
It exploited her weaknesses
And took advantage
Only bringing heartache
Leaving me nothing but the rest of my life to live without her

I used to think I wasn't worthy of life
And when people heard about my thoughts
They looked at me like I was crazy
As if I didn't know how special I was
Standing alone in the rain
Like I just watched my lover leave and board a train
I looked in the mirror only to see every made up flaw that my imagination could orchestrate
I smiled only to have my eyes change my appearance into a twisted shape I couldn't recognize
My hatred towards myself lead to hatred towards others
I looked at people and thought of every mistake I could think of to match my own
I didn't know how to love myself
People's affirmations of me didn't mean anything
My words towards myself were like swords
And my friends words which I thought would be shields
Were really just medication to numb down what I was feeling
Thinking as long as they saw something more in me
I would somehow change my opinion
I walk down streets and see endless amounts of self confidence
If I had a nickel for every time my parents said something nice about me
I wouldn't have enough to pick myself out of the gutters and wash off
If only I knew sooner that approval from others is like trying to drive a car without gas
You can sit and picture all the places it will take you
But you will never reach any of them
I look in the mirror now to see the person that everyone else sees
Too bad it only took me 18 years to finally love myself

People talk about life like we are guaranteed something
Like we are expected to have something magical
RIP to Kiant'e
RIP to Jacob
Two people who lost the battle before they were even ready to start
My friends
Taken away like they did something wrong
We all know what's coming for us
But the news punches us in the stomach and knocks us down
As if we have no idea what death is
Why did they have to leave so soon
I understand if God was ready to take them
But we weren't ready to lose them
Have they done all they can do
We just have to push through
Life will keep going
Whether we choose to stop or not
We all feel this pain
Day by day everything changes without them
I feel guilty that I have a full life and they don't
I regret the moments I walked passed them
Said nothing
Didn't even smile
Stuck in my own head not thinking about time
**** time
I wish I could go back
But we know its not possible
I just hope they know I love them
I know they are resting easy
So I'll rest easy

I stare at a blank piece of paper
And wait for my mind to go numb
I find it hard to believe that my fresh start is in my reach
I'm moving up in life
No one ever thought that was possible
I've reached the top of my metaphorical mountain
One more step I'll plummet to the bottom
The view is nice from up here
Calm and peaceful
My voyage was not easy
But then again I don't think life would be worth it if it was easy
Blessings are everywhere as long as you keep your head level with your heart
I don't like to think people are beneath me
We all began at the same start
It's where we finish that matters
I use to think I was useless without her
I won't give a name
It would take away from the mystery
But would give away the answer to my history
And if I were to say
Would it reveal anything
Or leave you even more blind
The pain is real
I wonder if I drink as much as you do
My pain would drown in the toxic waters
I won't try again though
That would be too easy for you
I think I want to see the world
At least the beautiful parts
So I guess that means the whole world
I used to think everything was in black and white before there was color TV
Some parts of my life are in black and white
Without color they seem to drag on until I eventually forget them
My childhood must of been in black and white
I don't remember any of it
I hope there is a good reason for that
I'm looking at a clock and part of me thinks time is an illusion
Can we really actually measure it
Or do we just give our best guess
And are yawns actually contagious
Or do we just notice someone doing it and then realize how tired we actually are
Because even though we've somehow measured time
No one ever has enough


I now stare at this paper full of words and wonder if anything I ever say makes sense

I used to think love was easy
I looked at her
She looked at me
Connection
Simple
I used to think love was easy
If she made me happy
Then I obviously made her happy
We didn't make each other happy
We were just along for the ride
I used to think love was easy
Like if I just tried a little harder
We could make it work this time
If I just proved that my love was more than my words
It would be fine
I used to think love was easy
Like on TV
Holding hands and laughing
Hoping that someone was writing a script for us to play out
That way it could seem real
I used to think love was easy
Like it just jumped out in front of us
Saying here I am
I'm yours
This is where you belong
I used to think love was easy
That's why there are so many love songs
We can write them like we know what we're talking about
They seem so true
So real
I used to think love was easy
Until I met you
And I had to try to love you
My words became salty and dry in my mouth
They didn't come easily
Like they should be
I used to think love was easy
Until I fell in love with you

I am from the church that held my family together
From the closet where I placed my roots and set up camp
I'm from my grandma's tough love and fresh chocolate chip cookies
From my father's stubbornness and my mothers mind
I'm from the neighborhood with no kids and mean dogs
I'm from spaghetti on Christmas and midnight mass
I'm from "God loves you as long as you are straight"
I'm from the corner of sarcastic and *******
From bad dreams and good attitudes
I'm from my ability to hold on when I know I should let go
From secret notes and posts expressing judgement
I am from loving hands and healing hearts
From painful memories and fresh starts
I am exactly who I am meant to be because of the experiences given and taken from me

You came out of nowhere
You came darting through my blind spot
You definitely caught me off guard
Talking turned into flirting
Flirting turned into I like you
I like you turned into I love you
How did we get there
How did everything fall apart
You said I hurt you
I know I did
My feelings were unclear and I dragged your heart around like it was a rag doll
I understand what I did, believe me
I used to stay awake at night with pains in my chest
It felt like knives but I knew I deserved it
You were crazy
You still are crazy
But I can't say that I was completely sane
And I did love you
But I wasn't ready for the love that you wanted to give me
Now we are on opposite sides of the playing field
You hate me
You wanted to die because of me... well and other people
You thought I was your saviour
I just wanted you to be healthy
Now you text and call my phone explaining how worthless I am
And how much you hate me
You talk about my insecurities like they are yours to tell
I trust you with my secrets and you play them like your favorite song on repeat
You try to get to me
I'm sorry for what I did
I hope you can forgive me
Forgive me so you can focus on yourself
I don't hate you
But I can't save you

A friend once asked me what my closet was like
I paused and looked at him
What was my closet like?
Oh it was a lovely place
Full of crushed dreams and self hate
Maybe I'll take you there sometime
What was my closet like?
It was full of people's words
People's judgement
God
Religion
Hell
Disease
People stare like there is something wrong with me
What was my closet like?
It was a jail cell
Where my individuality was suffocated by societies hands
Wrapped around my neck
Screaming at me to be normal
What was my closet like?
It was a small room in my parents house
I ran there when their fighting became unbearable
I'll just come out at a better time
What was my closet like?
It was a scary place
Like the deeps of hell
I tried to climb out
But the devil had me *******
******* by own fears
If I get out people will hate me
My friends and family will abandon me
I will have nothing
When this boy asked me what my closet was like
I wanted to punch him
As if my closet were an old friend who I hadn't seen in awhile
Like I was supposed to list detail after detail of my life inside this cage
Like it wasn't a big deal
How can you be so blind
My closet
Killed everything inside me
When I came out I was reborn
What was my closet like?
He asked
I put my hand over his mouth so he couldn't talk
That's what its like
I said

I find myself always over thinking
Does she like me?
What does this mean?
Does this make me look gay?
Why are you doing this to me?
My thoughts overflow like a waterfall
Constantly going going going
Stop just take a deep breath
Don't freak out
Don't let them see you bleeding
Don't show signs of weakness
Blink less
Stay calm
If they see you crumbling
They will fill in your cracks
With hate and jokes
Like negative cement
Until you are stiff
With hatred towards yourself
Causing you to over think some more
Do they like me?
Why are they whispering?
Did I do something wrong?
My thoughts cave in my subconscious
And I can't help but sit there and worry
Pacing back and forth
Mind racing
Hands shaking
Heart pounding
Don't let them hear you breathing
Don't let them see you sweating
They can't get to you
Words become knives
Rumors become wounds
Jokes become scars
And I'm left there
Over thinking
Why did they say that?
Why did they treat me this way?
Over thinking back into depression
Why do they hate me?
Why am I even here?
I cause myself to reevaluate
Until I'm questioning my motives
I tell myself I'm a fighter
Pull all nighters
Until I'm calm enough to face the world
People hate because you are doing something great
Right?
I'm great right?
Why let people get to you
When everything they say doesn't have to define you
I'm in the eye of the storm
The worst part is behind me
Funny how the things you said didn't blind me
Relax
You're okay
Stop over thinking
Pray
Why can't they just leave me alone?
Why do I let my over thinking show?

She remembers peeking through the blinds as her mom pulled out of the driveway every summer morning
She remembers attending the same school for nine years with the same people
She remembers how her grandparents basement smelled like smoke and after her grandpa died, it no longer smelled like smoke
She remembers sticking her head between the railings in her cousins house and getting stuck
She remembers her grandpa teaching her how to play basketball
She remembers being afraid to go to sleep because she thought she would forget to breathe
She remembers losing her friend in 9/11
She remembers learning about what death was
She remembers asking if there was a playground in heaven
She remembers asking if she had to come inside when the street lights came on
She remembers sitting in the back seat of her dads truck, thinking that the moon was following her
She remembers getting a concussion during basketball when she was a freshman and not remembering anything after that
She remembers coming out and how her parents didn't accept her
She remembers falling in love and how it hurt like hell
She remembers her parents fighting and covering her ears
She remembers wanting to die
She remembers when her memories were too painful to remember

The past is the past for a reason
Difference in seasons
Lock me up for treason
My on going thoughts leave me heavily breathing
I cannot believe what I am seeing
We are all addicted to something
I'm addicted to the need to capture things
Like your heart
I'm addicted to this art
It pulls me apart
Just to put me back together
I am a rubber band
Don't stretch me too far
I don't continuously expand
I get pulled then slowly snap back
I don't wear snapbacks
They mess up my hair
My mind is a mess
Constantly moving and excluding
You can't sit here
What if I just disappeared
Into thin air
Magic is everywhere
Just look at us all here
That's pretty magical
Like Cinderella and the ball gown
Haters go straight down
You'll find them all there
Along with my fears
When people stare
I must be doing something right
I take flight
Go beyond air
Makes me feel alright
I don't do well with goodbyes
It means the end
I'm not good with see ya later either
Later is never promised
Do I just end things
Or pray that I make it to later
I would never date her
She's to stuck up for me
Stuck in a tree
Of high expectations
And I'm afraid of heights
Like continuously falling
Without reaching the end
Does time really end
Or do we just give up
It's a funny story
Actually it's pretty tragic
My love for you is like the Lost City of Atlantis
I believe in it
But you will never see it
My heart opens just to snap
Like a mouse trap
Don't get trapped
Unless you are able to adapt
The endings of poems are always the hardest
Is this a good place to rest my subconscious
****, why not
It's my poem

I want to write something for you
But sometimes I feel my words don't do anyone justice
I want to connect with you
But connection for the sake of connection seems unrealistic
But there's nothing unrealistic about the way someone feels
I see you
And you are looking at me
I want to know what you are thinking
But knowing the truth can be a double edged sword
I would take that pain from you
I could endure

I want to look into your eyes
For more than a second
Because making eye contact and then turning away
Doesn't bring me any less pain
And if we could just look
Maybe we would fall in love
And if we found each other
If we found the missing piece
We could both agree to disagree
But life isn't always that easy
So just look at me

I want to show you this
Your feelings might be hit or miss
But I want you to see
Seeing is believing
So believe me when I say
You were the only thing on my mind today
I know its real
When I can write about someone
You aren't just anyone
But being someone to someone can backfire
I can handle being your target for awhile

Over time
You forget how to rhyme
You start to lose sight of what's right
And go for what's easy
And believe me
Everything I write
Consists of everything I've been through
I used to be a hopeless kid
Drowning in all the negatives
Blinded by the scary thought that I wouldn't make it out alive
But I needed that drive
That motivation
To motivate my determination
Everything that was crushing me
Ended up helping me fly
The things that were holding me back finally let go
And my hope is being restored
Along with my flow
And over time
We can forget who we are
Forget what got us this far
But if we stick close to our hearts
We will never fall short of greatness

I'm awake
I see everything clearly
You saw what was happening to me
And knew something needed to be done
I can't promise that I wont feel pain
But I will do my best to get through each day
I'm no longer afraid
You taught me that if I wasn't happy
Then I should change
You made it clear that it wouldn't be easy
But it was possible
Sometimes life knocks you down
And as soon as you are about to get back up
It kicks you
I'm sorry I stayed down for so long
During that time my heart just couldn't go on
But you always knew I was strong
People look at me and think I have everything together
But don't be fooled by my confidence
It's not always real
At first I thought I was changing for you
But now I know I'm changing for me
Because I let everything build and build
Until it caves in on me
Not anymore
3 months clean
And most people won't know what that means
But it means everything
I can't believe how far I've come
I can't believe how strong I can be

Sometimes I do too much
Say too much
Feel too much
And when I don't do enough
I feel lost
I saw how my habits effected me
Now I see how they effect others
My negativity being the leading cause of my world crashing in
But I won't let that win
I just can't
I'm rebuilding the demolished wreck that was my life
And the next time someone tries to knock it down
I will put up a fight
I can't keep living like this
I just cant
Thinking that this dude was the cause
When honestly I just gave up
Relied on others to get me through
When all I did was try and bring them down with me too
I'm sorry
I made my best friend question our friendship
Making her think it was a suicide hotline
1-800-SAVE-ME
I'm sorry
That I let my demons come between us
And thankfully you are the realest person in my life
Who took me
And shook me
Telling me to change or she would back away
I understand space
Just know that I love you
And I'm going to improve
After the musical you won't even recognize me
I'll still be as white as can be
With the same personality
But I will be there for you
Just like you've been there for me
I can't even remember what my smile looks like
But it will be returning tonight

You have entered my mind
I'm trying to give it time
But you've set up camp in my subconscious
Playing tricks and chopping me down
Bringing me to a state of vulnerability
So people will think you're winning somehow
Well you've got me
I'm losing control
I know you've been watching
But to you its not old
It's just beginning
Can you please let me sleep one night
Without sending me images that make me scream
If you hurt the ones I love
You will be the one who bleeds
I know you are underestimating me
Just like I underestimated you
You might of got past the cameras
But my eyes are set on you
Push me one more time
And I won't stay in line
The thoughts in my head would make even the toughest man cry

Fight or flight
Flight becomes my instinct
Especially when others want to fight
I take it in
And hold it there until my face turns purple
And my feelings become eternal
You have something against me
Your hatred runs deeper than any pool of water
And I'm drowning now
People are trying to pull me out
But my roots have set in
In this state of mind that somehow is disguised
I bet you feel pretty sneaky
Secret notes and posts
Thinking you are untouchable
Some all powerful being
Who ***** with my emotions and leaves me bleeding
What more do you want
You got the attention from the ones I love
If you reveal yourself
They will mess you up
I'll be leaving soon
And what you've said and done
Will no longer matter
I'll be gone
Come find me dude
Your ignorance is becoming my fire
You won't be anonymous for long

She is trying to forget
Forget where you put your hands
What you whispered in her ear
How you made her feel

She is trying to let go
Because she can't show how much it kills
You fight to hold on
You fight to let go
Even though why we fight is sometimes unknown
And you made her this way

Nothing feels right
Nothing seems right
But when she looks at you
She sees family
Not a monster that people make you out to be
But she can't forget

She lives
She breathes
She feels everything
And who she was
Isn't who she is now

Everything happens for a reason
She knows that now
Happiness can be taken as easily as it can be found

I don't know what to write
My wells dried up
The gas tank that was full of my never ending thoughts is on E
Empty
Maybe that's how I feel
Everything is falling into place
The marathon that was my life is no longer a race
I can take a breather
I'm closer to the finish line
I can see it in my own eyes
But when it comes to what I'm writing
I feel paralyzed
I'm forcing it
My words used to be real
But now I don't know how to deal with the fact that how I feel
Can't be explained
My brain is trying to come up with new ways to say things
My thought process is jumbled up like alphabet soup
I can form inspiration if I have an issue that I need to get through
What else should I do
I can give up on these words that used to drag me out of every dark hole
I can stop using my emotion as an antidote for my pain
But I don't need to see the weather to know that in a few years it will probably rain
Maybe that's a metaphor for my life
Everything is good right now
I couldn't be happier
But as my life goes on
Something will come along
And rain on my parade
You know what makes me sad
Knowing that in many short days
I'll be leaving my best friend
Now that's pain
So maybe I didn't force this poem
Maybe it happened naturally
I think I think too much which ends in a catastrophe
So giving up may be too big of a jump from where I'm standing
So instead I'll just show this to the person who convinced me to keep going
I know she'll love it

I'm getting my life on track
Most people would look back at my past
And wonder how I got here
It wasn't easy
No support from my family
I had to do the opposite of everything they taught me
Scared that I would be like them
Broke mirrors so I didn't see that I was like them
Looked at my reflection
Only to see a girl who refused to give up
I use to use my hands to block out the noise
Now I use them to write out what's left in my heart
And you will never understand what you did to me
Don't act like you had anything to do with making me
I may have forgiven you
But don't get things twisted
I forgave you so I could rest easy
Believe me
Everything you've done is not being forgotten
When I walk out of here
I'll thank you for pushing me away
I could stay
Like my sister
20 years old with no brain
Living off of my parents
As she barely gets paid
That's not for me
I promised my grandpa
That I would be somebody
He use to look at me
See my pain
And tell me that one day it would go away
I look at his pictures
With his smiling face
I know I'm making him proud
Don't try to tear me down
I might call you mom and dad
But I know who raised me
So don't be mad when I don't thank you for anything

I try to focus on who I will become
Not who I was
I try to focus on where I'm going
Not where I've been
I try to focus on what I've accomplished
Not all the times I've failed
And you look at me with no faith
Trying to act like you made me the person I am today
I wish I wasn't connected to you
I wish I didn't resemble you
Because who I am
That's not because of you
It's because of me
I am who I am
Because I promised myself
That I wouldn't end up like you

I've been told not to rush
Or I'll miss my chance
But when every sprint turns into a marathon
The idea of taking my time just doesn't sit right
And if I'm supposed to make the first move
Please.. let me know
Otherwise we will continue to remain clueless
Because between you and me
I've never been very good at making the first move
We can talk for hours at a time
And my mind
Will somehow forget to inform me that our whole conversation consisted of flirting
If you want me to catch on then you need to write it in the sky
Or leave me a letter with step by step directions
Telling me exactly what you're feeling
So I can translate your secret code and understand
I feel like I'm standing in quick sand
And you are on the outside
I can see you
But the more I struggle to reach you
The deeper I sink
And if I stand still I have a perfect view of who you are
I like how you say you're an open book
And each page is uncharted territory that brings me into your past
The more I read
The more I want to know
Just tell me when you want me to stop
Tell me when I reach a point that was unbearably hard
So I can reach a better understanding of what you've been through
You say your life consists of many books with lots of chapters
Just give me some time and I will have read everything
But you need to tell me
You need to say if I'm moving too fast or too slow
You need to tell me if we are friends or something more
Because I have never been this intrigued by a girl before
And whether or not this goes anywhere
Just let me know if this is going to be a marathon or a sprint
I'll be here if you want me to be here

My mind seems to wander aimlessly
As the clock ticks away
Chips away at my shame that was built up from yesterday
It pains me to see you this way
But if time is our only healer
I'll see you in the future
And hope that your pain has washed away
But until then let me introduce you to today
He is my dear friend
The last of his kind
I hope you don't mind that I'm taking the time to write this out
I only have one doubt
And that's life in it of itself
But why not take the time to thank all of the haters
It sounds cliche but you made me greater
Took every ounce of hope I had and destroyed it
You wanted to feel 10 feet tall
But ended up demoted
So you can take my words to heart
Better yet
Take your words and shove it
I write better when I'm sleep deprived
But with the dreams that I'm having
I'll be eaten alive
Never waste time sleeping when I can be forming words that help bring meaning to everything that had no explanation
Sign this form its a written notation of everything you've taken away
They're not special rights if I'm fighting for the same ones that you already have
It's called equality idiot
As in equal
We're all the same
We might look different but our blood runs the same way
But you must not get enough to your brain
It's sad isn't it
When people would rather be exactly like everyone else in order to be accepted
They give up feeling in order to make others happy
I remember when I was like that
Here's a secret fact
I grew up being told that if I did everything right
The man of my dreams would one day find me
7th grade I looked at a girl and thought I did everything wrong
What was going on in my heart
Was not okay
I didn't know what people would say
Punishing myself
Thinking I could change fate
Lead me away from my faith
And brought me nothing but pain
It's safe to say I didn't understand anything about life
Or that caring about what other people thought only brought people to their knees
So please
Just be you
I'm through trying to make excuses for why I'm not happy
I accept the fact that I've let life drag me down
But look at me now
I can say out loud that I love a girl
People say that when you find yourself you will know it
I think I'll go to bed now
Wake up and look around
Because I've figured everything out

2013
Has made me feel like a survivor
365 days of complete life
And whether or not they consisted of happiness doesn't really matter
Because all you can do is try and prepare yourself for everything that will either **** you or make you stronger
I've seen it all this year
Everything from the ocean to the death of someone I loved
One made me feel like there is more out there in this world
And the other made me realize that love lives in the people that mean the most to you
And every year that passes is a reminder that we are all searching for something
I always made a resolution but never accomplished it
I want to be happy in 2014
Not the kind where I break out into song and dance
But the kind where I look back and smile
The kind where I know that everything will change
Because I will know that the power is in my hands
2013
Helped me cope with everything I didn't want to talk about
Revealed my true ambition to help out
And the loss of my uncle put things into perspective
You can overcome everything with a collective amount of faith and love
I might have struggled more than I succeeded
But I like to think that every obstacle I overcame was an accomplishment
My best friend helped me realize that I can't be happy unless I'm satisfied with the good, bad, and the ugly
And knowing she had my back made every obstacle into a small hurdle
And the only thing stopping me was myself
2013
Showed me that not every year will be perfect
But you can have perfect moments
2014
Will be full of perfect moments
I know who I am
And where I'm going
And life isn't about reaching a certain destination
Its about making little stops along the way
And seeing what's around you

My whole life has consisted of whether or not I should be "here"
And when you ask where "here" is
I can't really tell you
I guess "here" is wherever I feel like going
Or maybe its where I'll figure everything out
And sure I could take pills that alter my sense of happiness
Put something into my system that will somehow make me feel better about my situation
But honestly
I can sit "here" and say that I am thankful for my life
And maybe I have more bad days then good ones
But I would never trade my few good days
With many all because of something changing the chemicals in my brain
And I was made to feel pain
But I can choose how I deal with it
And I might not have the best coping techniques
But believe me
I wouldn't give up my life for anything
My parents always looked at me like something was wrong
Not knowing that every fight they had made me strong
I think I rely on my friends too much
But without them
I wouldn't be where I am
So when I say I don't know if I should be "here"
Don't take it as a sign of depression
I've always found that I'm more happy around certain people
And I'm realizing that very soon I won't always be around those people
I'm scared to lose the ones that I love
And no pill will ever replace the feeling I get when I'm with the people that I love
Whenever I think about leaving
I don't think about leaving this earth anymore
I think about leaving the people who have kept me alive
As much as I need to leave
I don't want to leave them behind

I just seem to fall deeper and deeper
And things get darker and darker
Until I can't even see my hand in front of my face
Even in the brightest of light
And maybe if I get out more
I can pull myself up to where I'm able to function
I'm always in a state of panic
My parents have no faith in me
I start losing faith in myself
My future is the only thing that keeps me going
If it doesn't happen
Nothing will matter
I'll have to stay in a place that makes me go insane
My parents will be right
And I will have failed
I start to lose my confidence
And just pray that I can make it
I take all the chances I can get
The biggest risk
All odds are on this Scratch and Win card
I've come too far
My future is in my sights
Almost in my hands
The only thing holding me back
Is the fact that I might not get in
And people won't understand
Ask if I have a backup plan
You see my life has consisted of coming so close
But then having my feet swept up from under me
The universe dangles all of my dreams right in front of me
But never let's me hold them
What's my backup plan
I can't stand in the shadows anymore
I'm sure that this is it
I've overcome every obstacle in order to win
I will climb out of my hole
Into the cold world
And embrace all of my struggles
Because they made me
I could be dead
But that would mean giving up on everything that has yet been discovered

I lie awake
And think about everything I hate
Everything that relates
To my past
Old habits coming back
And I have to adapt
To the overwhelming amounts of self hate
The new scars on my arm
Tell me that I've come a long way
They will eventually go away
And then I can focus on each day
My thoughts and my feelings
Happen to be two different things
My thoughts control my feelings
But my feelings cause my thoughts
So I ought to reevaluate my life choices
Even though I don't have many
Only ones I regret
And then you come along
And make my heart strong
I can't help but feel like the universe owes me one
Or two
Or three
I'm not picky
I just want something extraordinary
To make up for all the holes that are left of me
Maybe I over think things
I try not feel
But think too much to makes sure that everything is real
I'm thinking myself into depression
Regression
Every thought leads to violent expression
And I just need someone to look at me
And say that I'm okay
My thoughts lead me away from anything that involves positivity
Just say that you believe in me
And that you will never leave me
Why sleep when I can think
Why think when I can sleep
Maybe if I think about sleeping it will happen
Everything around me slowly becomes everything that's hurt me
I don't want to die
I just need to find a reason to stay alive

Sometimes I feel like the only soul in a room full of ghosts
All floating around looking for a host
And I'm just standing there
Alone and waiting for something magical to happen
Like if I click my heels 3 times I'll somehow find where I belong
Or typing my name into a search engine will figure out who I am
Because honestly I feel like a foreigner
Constantly having my eyes glued to a map like I've never seen this place before
I stumble around and search for a greater meaning
Because what I'm feeling right now doesn't seem to satisfy me
My need to breathe something other than air is mesmerizing
Life to me isn't about sitting behind a desk because that doesn't teach me who I am
I was taught to believe that feeling like a stranger was ok
As long as its what's normal
And I stand in what feels like quick sand
I reach for a hand
But no one seems to see me
They all want me to be this great and all powerful thing
But I can't even figure out what's right from what's easy
And you expect me to enter the real world when all I've learned is what's in a textbook
Trigonometry won't help me solve the real problems in my life
But that's okay
Because getting A's is what really matters
I'll tell you what matters
Feeling like I belong somewhere when my whole life has been conformity
Social normity
And normity isn't even a word
But it somehow makes sense
I don't want to feel like the only soul in a room full of ghosts
I want to express my feelings that matter the most

I'm going to have a break down
Right now
In the clouds
My heart is broken
I've spoken enough
This is too rough
I see you with him
And I just want to quit
You don't see that it kills me
When you hold him
And we're just friends
Growing pains
Keeping me awake
And if my heartbreak is pain
Well then its definitely growing
But I can't show how I'm feeling
I just have to keep bleeding
On the inside
My insides are depleting
You give everything meaning
And I'm seeing clearly now
I don't need to be found
I'm safe right where I am
I can stand on my own two feet
I'm no longer deep in heartbreak
This heartbreak helped me right this today
I can see you smile
And not feel pain
And I won't make that mistake
Of feeling love
When I know it will go to waste
I need to give my heart a break
So my heart won't break
I need space
From everybody
I need to take a step back
Forget what I don't have
She may be perfect to my eyes
But I am used to them telling me lies

I don't know if I'm ready
My mind has never been steady
These weights are too heavy
But I'm afraid to set them down
I've found
That you can never be prepared
No matter how long you've been breathing
The air is always surprising when you feel like dying
It overtakes your whole being
Relieving all the wounds that were left behind
Every sign of giving up
Becomes a distant memory
You wish to capture those feelings
Store it away until you desperately need it
Can you believe it
Can you see how small you are when you stand outside
We are all trying to find where we fit in
Like the worlds biggest jigsaw puzzle
You can't try and make the pieces fit
No matter how hard you try to conform them
You can hit then a thousand times but it will never work
Just let them be where they are supposed to be
The world is not about controlling everybody
The world is about harmony
We are all just tiny specks in one giant universe
So why make others feel anymore small then we already are
I hate when people try to change who they are
I look at the stars and see that they are happy being what they were meant to be
And look at the leaves
Never satisfied
Always changing
And how can you be happy if you are always changing
I ask myself who I am
But then rephrase the question
Who do I want to be
But those answers are never easy
So why do people always try to give their input
I long for a mute button
You can't clip a birds wings and then ask why it isn't flying
You can't make me hide who I am but still expect me to succeed
You can't clip my wings

I'm about ready to collapse
I can't go on
My days are full of pain
And my nights are nothing but me laying awake
Thinking about everything I'm losing
I'm bruising real easily
Probably because I'm weakening
I'm reevaluating my actions
My passion
If I don't succeed
I'll be locked away in self pity
Fall to my knees
Wave the white flag and retreat
You won't hear from me
I'm trying to be strong
But not for long
I'm standing as tall as I possibly can
****
Don't take everything that I am
Since you've left
I feel stuck in lost depth
I don't know where my head is
I've lost my mind
Can't keep track of time
I wish I could of said goodbye
You are being put in the ground tomorrow
That will be the beginning of my real sorrow
I'm afraid that if I sleep
I'll see you
I don't know if I can handle seeing you
I can't seem to move on
Its only been a couple of days
And I can't keep up
My head says to get over it
My heart says that's enough
I can't take much more of this
Stress is overflowing
I'm lost in an abyss
Everyone is trying to help
But they don't see that I'm sinking

You take my breath away
You sweep my feet out from under me
You catch me by surprise
When I look in your eyes
And I see
That you believe in me
Want me to succeed
You freeze all of the pain that is hibernating in my heart
You melt me down until you see nothing but emotion
Give me potion
That shows my weaknesses
Forcing me to turn them into strengths
And fate has brought you to me
Just keep smiling and I promise you'll never lose me
You know exactly what to say to bring me out of my dark place
And that's not easy
Ask anybody who knows me
You make my pain subside
And I realize
That I'm alive when you are near me
But you don't even see past the wall that's called friendship
You have all these dudes talking to you
But I'll treat you like a princess
I want to defend your honor
Harbor all the feelings I have
And write so they can make sense
Because honestly you've taken my sense of direction
My moral compass leads directly to you
Throw that thing in the garbage and I'll still go directly to you
You see you might not see that I believe in you and me
And if there is a you and me
I swear to love you unconditionally
You have my head spinning
And in my dizziness I only see you
You are the bright light that brings me out of the fog
You are my North Star
I look at you
And I'm home

I hope you know
That the sun might set
And darkness may fall
But your smile shines brighter then anything I have ever seen
I hope you know
That when I see you in the halls
I don't just smile
I glow
Because I know
My life just became much more beautiful
I hope you know
That when you are sad
I physically hurt along side of you
I would take all of that pain right off of you
I hope you know
That being your friend
Is all I need
I couldn't ask for anything better
I hope you know
That I will always accept you
Your past does not scare me
It will never define you
I hope you know
That when dudes mistreat you
I want to kick their ***
They don't know your past
They will never understand
I hope you know
That when you can't fall asleep
I'll stay up with you
Even if that means falling asleep in class
Its worth it
I hope you know
That I would make a fool out of myself
If it meant you would laugh
I might look like an idiot
But I got to hear your laugh
I hope you know
That when you feel like giving up
I will be there to hold your hand
I will take your struggle and make it mine
You are one of a kind

When I look back and think about my closet
Dark
Small
Prison
I think of all my fears cramped in one small space
Just waiting to break free and be released
I think of all the hateful words said
All the looks
All the whispers
Thinking that my closet was my safe haven
Only to realize that my closet was slowly killing any hope of being myself
Realizing that if I stayed in there
I would be setting an example
That being real is too scary
That being 100% is not worth it
But stepping out showed freedom
Freedom to think how I wanted
Freedom to dress how I wanted
Freedom to hold her hand
Freedom to say "I love this girl"
My closet was the scariest place
Somewhere that told me to stay
Stepping out meant being vulnerable
Closets aren't about vulnerability
They are about restrictions
Alienation
My closet was my biggest enemy
My hater
A total threat
My actions speak louder than my closets scariest images in my head
Don't think that your closet is there to help you
Protect you
Break free
And be who you want to be

If I had to explain her
You would need to give me minute
Come from two different worlds
And yet we get it
Now you could say we are opposites
But you would never know
That she's my best friend
The one who picks me up when I'm down
The one who fights off all my demons
The one who knows all my secrets
She is everything you could want in a best friend
The thought of leaving her terrifies me
I'll cry every night
Like a cry baby
Telephone calls and text messages
Just won't be the same
I'll tattoo her name in my heart and in my brain
Desiree
Who has been there when the world shut me out
Was there when I came out
Would beat up all of my haters
If I asked her to
I would never ask her to
But I know she would
Just to prove
That skin color doesn't matter
Sexuality doesn't matter
We overcome all of that
Wherever we end up
Wherever our paths take us
Distance will never break us
We are just to close

"The gay kid"
I am so much more
"The lesbian"
That's not what I'm here for
I'm proud to be who I am
I know where I stand
People act like that's all they see
Those words that they think define me
But they don't see the real me
I'm the girl who will say "I love you" everyday
I'm the girl who will go out of her way to make someone smile
I'm the girl who would rather make you laugh than make you cry
Someone who will stay up and talk all night
I'm the girl with the complicated past
I'm the girl who didn't think would last
The smile on my face is a permanent reminder that life is hard
But being gay doesn't always mean that I'm happy
Don't tell me that who I am is defined by that word
I've heard that when we die
We aren't always remembered
If you are going to remember me
Remember what I've accomplished
Remember the time I made you laugh
The time I made you smile
Remember the time I looked in your eyes and told you everything's okay
I don't want to just be gay
I will always be proud of who I am
But people don't always understand
That my life isn't based on who I love
Its based on the good, the bad, and everything I overcome

I feel like I'm sinking
And blinking is not enough to relieve my eyes from what I'm seeing
Your love was deceiving
******* out all of my feelings
Leaving me bleeding
Retreating back to my cave of useless meaning
Thinking you were different
Only to find out
That you were just like the rest
I'm left a mess
You try to rebuild the walls around your heart
Can't let people get past the start
Or make it to the finish
I'm finished
Sitting there doing the dishes
Thinking about why you left me there
In the summer air
You acted like you were scared to lose me
Turns out you did nothing but bruise me
Shattering my soul
Then stepping on all the broken pieces
Turning them into dust
Dust to ashes
But in all this madness
I'm reborn
Stronger than the storm
I try my best to smile right in front of you
So you know I got over the **** you put me through
You told me I wasn't good enough
So I walk around this life thinking I'm not good enough
So you learn to shield your heart
Shield your scars
Hoping that the next person who comes along
Doesn't destroy what you've built
But you can't help but tear it down yourself
Just so you can feel something
Then you stand beside the ruble of what's left
And wonder if it was worth it
You've jumped out of the plane
Pulled the chord
And hope that your parachute opens
You trust
You take risks
You give up everything
And yet at the end of the day
You spend your time building up your walls
With nothing but a secret passage way
Hidden where no one expects
The only way to your heart

You call me an inspiration
Overcoming all this devastation
I don't feel any different
Beneath my skin
Is every hurtful word said
Laid out in chronological order
Starting from the day I decided to be myself
Instead of hiding behind doors meant for clothes
And you can say I had it easy
You can say I took all of the glory
But you know my name
You don't know my story
And my story is written on my arms
Written in notebooks
Where my notes should be
Instead I have outlines
About how much you meant to me
And I was told to pay attention
Listen to today's lesson
But I had already learned mine
I was two days ahead of time
And why apologize
When all you do is speak lies
I don't want your pity
Or your comments that you think are witty
So please save your half hearted words of encouragement
I don't need your secondhand prayers
Just let me be myself
And I won't need to cuss you out
Or live with doubt
About the way people see me
Everyone wants to be seen rather than heard
But my words are the only way I'm visible
So why cut out my tongue
Then ask why I am not outspoken
Or some lesbian token
Just because I don't shed tears in front of you
Doesn't mean that I don't feel pain
You asked me why I wanted to **** myself
And I told you I wanted to be happy
A life without me seems almost perfect
But people tell me I'm worth it
So it must be true
I can look at the sky a thousand times
And still wonder why its blue

Why did I want to die?
Why did I want to end my life?
You're taught to be grateful
Every time the sun sets but returns every morning
How the flowers grow then die then grow again
And you understand the circle of life
But want to take matters into your own hands
My hands
Were tools to hurt and bring me down
Closer to the ground
And as I was falling
The sky seemed to become out of my reach
And they don't teach these things
While I was sitting in math
I pondered my own path
In English
I wanted to be finished
And if it was committed
Would I win or would I lose
Could I even choose
Death seemed better then going home
That's when I was alone
And I could scream
As loud as I wanted
Without anyone hearing a peep
I could smile
I could laugh
But that never replaced how I felt at the end of day
Make myself bleed to ignore my other pain
To this day
I'm not the same
Death seemed so easy
Believe me
I wanted to die
So I didn't have to feel
Or know that my life was real
I didn't want to deal
But I'm still here

Death doesn't scare me
I'm afraid of what I'll miss
If I'll be missed
But I am afraid to lose people
Lose relationships
Life is about moments
About being devoted
Death comes along
And you hope you are strong
But we never know
If I tell you I love you
You know I mean it
Don't leave it
And if you know its coming
Do you run from it?
Or is embracing it to scary?
Holy Marry
Protect the ones I love
And the ones up above
I do not wish to live in fear
When my time is near
I will open my arms and accept my final moments
Because life is about doing what you love
So when you leave
You leave happy
Moments are not moments until you kiss the sun and hold it
Being 100% content with everything
Feeling weightless and at ease
Death is not a scary thing
I would rather die young and happy
Then live a long life full of numbness
And you can't judge a persons life based on their time frame
You look at how they made things change
How they spent each day
I say this because at one time I didn't treasure life
I regretted every decision I made
I didn't want to fight
Because death is easy
Life... is what we need to be afraid of

I don't want to change my ways
My ways got me here today
Today could be my final day to achieve all my dreams
Dreaming of a world where dreams are not necessary
Seeing is not believing
And I believe you have stolen too much from me
I walk through life
With my head in the clouds
Refusing to come down
Reality is not as fun as my imagination
My creation
Of what my life should be
And trust me
You are not in it
If I wanted a nightmare I would put you in it
Why pay attention
When my attention is in a different direction
Losing all affection
To the one I called my everything
What's the point of making someone your everything
When they later toss you to the side
Like you never crossed their mind
Or gave you the time
Of day
What day is it
I never really get why I cannot fit
In this time of day
I really just wish I could get away
Or fade into the blackness
Of this last hit
I don't even know where I'm going with this

So you say that your hearts not ready
Do you believe that mine was steady
And now I hope you figure out
That I'm not coming back
You've missed what we could of had

I'm a fool
For falling for you
Spending all this time
Trying to make you mine
So I set you free
And I'll miss your company
But I'm not waiting anymore
Its time for me to take off and explore

I tried to give you time
But you were practically blind
And I hope you realize
That I'm not waiting around
You can stay lost but I'm waiting to be found

You and I aren't meant to be
So I'll gladly set you free
To be left alone in your company
I can't push till you can't breathe
So its the end to what we could be
I hope you miss my company

You see that boy
Well he just came out
His families world
Got flipped upside down
They can't look at him
And he can't make a sound
He knows that they'll accept him one day

You see that girl
She hasn't eaten in four days
She looks at herself
And wishes she could change
People laugh at her
They point and stare
But someone will love her one day

And I know
What you're going through
I know
That it can be hard
But you'll make it through
You can be who you are

Smile
Cause you're still here
Yeah you've come so far
Smile
You're in the clear
And you can have it all

Life is what you make it
And I'll take it
Whether you believe in me
Or underestimate my ability
To make you feel something
We all have times when we don't want to feel something
Mistakes are just life lessons waiting to happen
My future is based on making things happen
And I happen to have adapted to your constant belittling
I have a feeling that my feelings don't appear to be anything but deceiving
Do you see me being an exact image of who I want to be
And that is somebody whose name is related to fame
For people to know where I came from but love me all the same
If not that's okay
I'm blessed to be here today
In the 6th grade that would of all changed
I'm changing to be creative
If I'm not creative then I feel outdated
Being outdated is beyond my amazement
The amount of amazement in our world today is dwindling
If you want to hate me I promise it doesn't offend me
And offending my personality is honestly a form of flattery
So it matters to me if you chose to succeed
I will be the only me that ever ceases to exist
So now I chose to exit this form of expression
With a smile on my face
And footsteps permanently engraved in this place today

Your walls are up
And I know why
You don't want to sacrifice
What's left of your life
You hold your heart in your hands
Wanting to let go of it
Hoping someone's there to catch it

I can tell you've been through a lot
By the way you hold your head to the sky
And I can tell that you wanna be loved
Even though it comes at a cost
But doesn't it sound so sweet
To be with me
Cause I know it takes a lot

And I know that when you push me away
Not to take it personal
And part of me knows you want me to stay
So just say the words
And I'll stay