Are you proud
That I'm even your daughter
Are you proud
To know that I'm gay
Would you love me any more
If I were straight
Are you proud of what I've accomplished
Do you wish I were different
You've demolished every once of my self confidence
Do you love me
Do you regret having me
If I had left this earth
Would you want me back
You see dad
We are not that different
We talk like we are strangers
Fight and put each other in danger
And I want to make you proud
Your negatively is loud
Constantly in my head
I think of ways to die while in my bed
And you don't even care
How dare
You call me worthless
How dare
You call me ugly
How dare you sit there
And tell me everything that's wrong with who I am
And then wonder why I resent you
I've never needed to depend on you
I will travel across this earth before I call for you
You made me afraid to be myself
You made me want to **** myself
But you sit there and continue to justify your actions
I'll continue to write
Did you know that's my passion
So dad
Can you tell I'm trying to get your attention
You never gave me love or affection
You use ever excuse to put me down
Then kick me while I'm still on the ground
I just want to make you proud

I sometimes ponder life outside these walls
We are all just tall buildings waiting to fall
I wonder how people can hate
Continue to live in such a negative state
I wonder if there is more out there
I try to believe that life is fair
That we are all connect by tiny microscopic hairs
That make us who we are
But let us know that we are not far apart
I wonder if the after life
Is more than an after party
I'm sorry
That I could not live up to your expectations
We all need to live life through inspirations
A single invitation
To join me on my quest to find what's out there
But I hate dares
How can you judge me
But say you love me
You talk so much crap
Like its your job to know all the facts
And even then you aren't happy with yourself
So how about around of applause
For the people who are strong
Even when everything is crashing beneath them
I can honestly say my friends
Saved my life
They know my struggle
Know my strife
Took my troubles
Into their own life
I am here today
Because they wouldn't let me go away
But I'm afraid
That once I leave
I won't believe in living
These walls are a tight cage
That keep me from feeling
I sometimes ponder my own destiny
My past has gotten the best of me
I'm slowly rebuilding my tall building
Making it stronger
And taking longer
To achieve my ongoing dream
Of making it past 18

When she was little
The world revolved around the little things
The way the raindrops slid down the window
How the leaves changed
How two people could portray so much hate

When she was little
The world seemed to show a different light
Not necessarily bright
But a low gleam
Always being covered by negativity

As she grew up
Life seemed to knock her down
The ground became her home
The light became unknown
Love became a shallow hole of uncertainty

Now she struggles between the light and the dark
Looking for a new start
If you know her
You show her unconditional love
She walks through life
With an undeniable weight on her shoulders
But you hold her
And show her that life is more than what it seems
And she believes you
Has faith in you
So hold to the truth
We all have things we don't want to lose

She is now at a crossroads
And where to go is unclear
But she can't live with fear
Her past is one big nightmare
As she gets older
Those little things begin to grow
And she begins to show signs of fighting
Igniting her insides
Don't believe all the lies
I am who I am
If you don't understand
Don't bother opening your mouth

She is no longer little
So remember her name
She believes in fame

I'm becoming weary
Not caring about anything
Life is getting dreary
I can't see the beautiful things
Time is slowing down
My mind is shutting down
The hardest part of my day is just getting up
I haven't been sleeping
I toss and turn
Like waves hitting the shore and then retreating
My heart is taking one hell of a beating
Can you tell that I'm trying to lose all feeling
I want to hide away
Wait for all the pain to go away
I walk through life in a haze
Smile when I have to
My only response is "I'm okay"
I feel close to snapping
Everything is happening so rapidly
A catastrophe
Why me
I refuse to make wishes
Because they don't come true
I look like a fool
But if I had to make a wish
It would be that happiness is right around the corner
Is it to much to ask that I get one night of sleep
I don't wish to dream
And if I scream
Will it draw attention
This sadness is an infection
Spreading quickly
To every inch of my being
And I could fall right now
But no one would be around
So I'll try not to make a sound
I'm not good with endings
Or anything
So do I keep writing
Letting go of pain in each word
I envy birds
For their ability to fly away
And if I return
I hope things aren't the same
But for now I've run out of things to say
I just want to sleep my pain away

I remember the first and only time I was in love
Freshman year and had no idea what love was
I saw her walking down the hall and I didn't even know her name
But I knew that I needed to know her name
Is it crazy to say that I remember what she was wearing
Or how her hair fell perfectly on her face
I remember the first time she said "hi" to me
I was lost
But her voice set me free
She later became my best friend
And I wanted so badly to tell her
Tell her that I wrote songs and love poems about her
Tell her that she was the only reason I got up in the morning
Tell her that she made me feel more alive then every single breath I had ever taken
Tell her that I'd give up the right to see the moon and the sun as long as it meant that I could see her smile
And yet she had this control over me
I would do anything to get her to notice me
She'd tell me what to do and I'd come through
Walked through every hallway in order to find her
Pushed away all my friends so I could spend time with her
And when she pushed me away
I had to find a way to make her stay
Or risk losing everything
And when she stopped talking to me
I lost everything
While she was to busy finding ways to feel alive
I was slowly sinking into a hole of absolute darkness
Thinking that the only way out was to have her in my life
The only way out was to see her smile
To hear that she loved me
I remember the first and only time I was in love
I remember the way she made me feel alive
And the way she made me want to die
I remember holding her in my arms
The sweet scent of her hair
I remember how quickly she left my arms
How quickly the smell of her hair faded
So much pain and time wasted
On a girl who only wanted to hurt me
Love
Is a crazy thing

I'm tired
Real tired
I want the lights to go out for awhile
Not dream
Just sleep
Until all the pain melts away
Or retreats back to those summer days

I'm tired
Real tired
I want to sleep until the world is good again
I can stick my feet in the sand a hundred times
The ocean never fails to wash away my sadness

I was never the type to want a normal life
But everything around me is a wind tunnel
And I hesitate because I'm afraid I will get ****** in
I close my eyes
Will this be my demise
Maybe if I open one eye I can take life in without suffering
Maybe if I keep one eye open that eye will only take in the beauty of the world
I was taught that with life comes good and bad and if you just hold out your hands
You can be ready to catch whatever is thrown at you
So I keep my good eye open and hope that I see what is coming my way

But knowing that I am tired makes it harder to keep that eye open
If I close it, it could be the end
I can keep fighting with one eye open
And miss out
Or slowly become unable to see the good
Slowly grow tired of being strong for so long

I'm tired
Real tired
I'm not sure if I'm a fighter

I never thought I'd make it to my senior year
I never thought that life would bring me here
And yes there were struggles and fears
But you always believed in me

You knew I was lost and alone
You knew I needed something I could call my own
And I was never promised greatness
But that never stopped you from letting me shine

You watched me succeed
You watched me fail
You knew I was in dire need
But you knew I would always prevail

You are my special friend
The one who taught me so much
I can't believe where I've been
I can't believe that you have changed my life this much

I always seem to go through stages of sadness
One situation leads to multiple crashes
Splashes of disasters
Walls closing in
No air
Too far to swim
I know they never last
But always come back
They take hold of my life
And tonight
I shut the world out
Forgive me for what I may blurt out
I can say I'm not happy
That my life is ******
I can take what I've learned
And grow from it, I am sure
I don't really know what else to say
My feelings are spinning today
Hit fast forward
Don't need a replay
I need to get away
To a place
That appreciates who I am
My friends all know me as the brave one
What's so brave about telling the world you're the gay one
My family doesn't understand me
I can never make them happy
We barley agree on what to eat for dinner
Let alone whether I have the right to marry
I feel very alone
Have lots of friends by my side
But sometimes I don't want to be alive
I'll throw my phone at the wall
Contemplate who I am
If you saw inside me maybe you'd understand
But until then
I'll express myself the best way I know how
And for now
I'll stare at my ceiling
Until I fall fast asleep and dream about a perfect place for you and me
My alarm will go off
I will be alive
No suicide
I'll just prioritize
Until I am finally happy

17 years...

Sometimes you feel alone
So alone that you can hear your own heartbeat in a crowded room
So alone that you can't even see your own shadow

Sometimes you want to die
Just so you don't have to feel anymore
Just so you don't have to think anymore
Because all of that just adds more pain

And all that pain does is **** whatever joy you had left
And you can't lose anymore joy

Sometimes...
You just don't feel like your worth it
And believe me when I tell you this
I feel worthless
Like if I just shut out the world
No one would call to see how my day has been

We live to die
We live...to die
So why does everything in between have to be so hard

Everyday I tell people I love them
Because the day just might come
When I stop talking
And when that day comes
The world will fully understand that sometimes a simple smile from a stranger can change everything
The world will finally understand that its not all about money
Because in the end those millions won't save you from what's hurting you

Trust me..
I've been to the lowest of the low
And I'm looking up
I don't understand why life is so rough

My mind is blocked
I look at the clock
And notice my time is running out
My head is full of doubt
I'm sorry mom
I've let you down
I promise I'm coming around
Its 12:02 in the morning
Always storming in my brain
Must catch a wave and ride it out
Maybe there is more then sky beyond those clouds
But all I see are people
Always moving
Always running about
No one stops anymore to look around
I must find a place where time and space corroborate
Am I visible now
Or do you need to get your eyes checked
This place is not for everyone
Only the heartless
Or maybe the ones who take the time to speak their mind
Instead of falling in line
Please excuse me I don't mean to be rude
But you are in my way
Keeping me at bay
And all this time I kept myself locked away
Nowadays everyone's fake
Until you figure out that we aren't supposed to relate
And we all have eyes but we don't use them
We all just live to die
So why not show the world what you hide inside
Just because you don't fit in doesn't mean you don't deserve your moment of glory
For once put aside your differences and learn that we are all one
My mind is no longer blocked
I've beaten the clock
My thoughts are clear and I am sure of one thing only
Life
Among other things
Is for the living
If you are tired of feeling
Well join the club
Its 12:05 and tonight I remember why I'm alive
Look deep inside and realize that whether you are fully awake or paralyzed
We all live to die
So don't criticize
Only memorize what you want to say
When someone asks you
How did you change the world?

Mom and Dad
Do you realize that your hate effects me
Mom and Dad
Do you realize that how you live reflects upon me
Mom and Dad
Do you know I just wish you would stop fighting
For ten minutes realize that we are watching
Mom and Dad
I can't learn how to be a good person if you don't show me
Mom and Dad
Do you understand that I want to get as far away as possible
That I want to keep running and never look back
Mom and Dad
I can't even remember the last time you said you loved me
Are you proud of me
Mom and Dad
I wish I could say all of this but you are too busy fighting
Do you even see me crying
Mom and Dad
Do you know that you both just make everything harder
I have no choice but to become stronger
Mom and Dad
You are starting to lose me
Mom and Dad
One day I will be gone
And you will ask what went wrong
Mom and Dad
I can no longer watch you destroy this family
I'm only 17
I can't take care of everything
Mom and Dad
I hate when you talk about one another
And look at my brother
He is only 11
He is starting to lose faith in Heaven
Mom and Dad
He doesn't deserve this
He shouldn't have to witness this
Mom and Dad
You need to get help
One day I wont be here to take care of him
One day I won't be here to explain to him what's going on
Or to reassure him that there is more to this world
Mom and Dad
While I am finishing this poem
You are fighting
Mom and Dad
Stop fighting and fix things

I want nothing more than my future kids to live in peace
To see their mothers hand in hand
Feeling nothing but free
I want them to feel unconditional love from us
Unlike me when I grew up
If I can one day look at my kids and feel proud
I know I did my job
Because it doesn't always take a mother and father
Only love
I want nothing more than my future kids to feel accepted
To stand tall knowing they have two mothers
And maybe to others
That's not normal but they couldn't picture it any other way
One day
There won't be straight and gay marriage
One day
We won't have laws and restrictions
One day
Opinion about religion won't be a contributing factor
I want nothing more than to be equal to everyone else
We aren't fighting for special rights
We want what everyone else already has
One day my family will be called normal
Until that day
I will let my words do the explaining

I wish I had wings
More than anything
I wish I could leave everything behind
Or put all negativity to the side
I wish I could say goodbye
To the people who chose to lie
I wish hate didn't exist
I wish my parents would tell me they love me
I wish I could say "I'm gay"
And not have to worry
I wish I could see my grandfather
I wonder if he is okay with who I am
I wish love had no gender
And we could all just be happy that we found someone to make everything better
I wish I could sit here and wipe away my tears and know that I am stronger than my fears
I wish there were only happy tears
And that sadness was just a rumor
I wish I could control my anger
Instead of lashing out
I would problem solve
Because for some reason every time my dad comes stumbling in
I just can't control it
Every time he tells me he didn't want me
I loose all feeling
I really wish my parents would say they love me
Maybe then when other people say it I might believe them
I wish I could predict the future
Just to make sure I turned out alright
Or maybe to prove to people that I can actually accomplish something
I don't know what I'd do
If all they wishes came true
Right out of the blue
But most of all I wish these wishes didn't need to come true

I sometimes feel like I'm walking in circles
A cyclone of emotions
An unknown miracle
I sometimes feel like I'm close to failure
Swaying back and forth
An unstable teeter totter
Going from reality to pure nightmare
I'm left totally scared
Pondering the thought of going back there
I sometimes feel like I'm stuck in one place
To everyone else life is one big race
A test of strength
To determine ones fate
And I'm left in a past date
A complex state..... of mind
I sometimes feel like I'm close to crumbling
One big gust of wind will leave me struggling
Fumbling and juggling
My hardship and my triumph
Both reveal battle scars
One last trip to mars
To look at the stars
Before I hit earth
To revert back to my old ways
The olden days
I sometimes feel like I can't stop rambling
Or time traveling
Maybe just one more time
To ease my mind
I sometimes feel like...
There I go again
Not enough ink in my pen
To finish off my train of thought
So I'll just stop

I feel like the words I say and the thoughts in my head
Never quite match up
The words I feel
And the words I say
Always get jumbled
And I'm left discouraged while shaking my head
I feel like what's in my heart and what people see
Don't always agree
I can be sweet
But don't mess with me
If I could record what's in my heart and play it like a DVD
Telling the girl how I feel
Would be the easiest thing
And yet
I take my words and somehow translate them into emotions
Just two minutes of honesty to one day show them
That I am more then I appear
I somehow find a way to show people that I am real
I sometimes feel like my words are never sincere
And yet I never stop talking
So maybe I'll learn to shut up
Maybe then I won't ***** up
Sometimes I make jokes so I don't break down
Maybe if I keep talking
I can make people believe that every little thing isn't always what it seems
So now I'll just keep smiling

If I could paint the world with one stroke
I would take inspiration from poets
Different words
Different emotions
Different culture

If I could change the way people look at the world
I would start with
Life
Liberty
And the pursuit of happiness

Experiences make us
Judgement breaks us
And you can never look at someone and know their full story
Explore the possibility
That you may not have it all figured out
Start from the ground
Let go of doubt

If I could change hate
I would start with myself
Its never to late
To change your fate

Should I run away
Or should I stay
Knowing that this environment will always lay in my brain
And I'm afraid
That someday
I won't turn out okay
But I can't stay
Locked away
In this prison of hate
People don't see
That it is destroying me
How can I be
Who I'm meant to be
When everything around me
Is disintegrating
And I am slowly dying
Trying to find a silver lining
When deep inside
It isn't worth trying to realize
That I don't deserve this
Its a hit and miss
Why should I try
To live inside a self destructive time bomb
Its just too strong
To take on
So I'll move along

I take a trip down memory lane
And with you nothing seems the same
We were told that things change
Put who wants to believe what strangers say

I look through photographs
And some make me laugh
Some don't even look like us
What's with all the fuss
We build trust
Then let it rust

We grow up
Like trees
Are roots are in the same place
But are leaves take shape
We start to believe
That there is more out there for us

That if we just spread our wings far enough
We can grasp all the little things
That taking the time to watch the leaves change colors
Isn't always a waste of time

That growing old
Doesn't mean you forget how the sun feels on your face
That it can warm you up as quickly as it can go away
And memories fade
But time is always giving us gifts
A chance to make new ones

I once wanted to end it all
Tired of getting back up after every fall
I waited for the pain to just subside
But everyday it entered my mind

While my parents were fighting
I was running out of time
Told myself to just hold on
That I could do it
Just hold on

It slipped out to my best friend
In the 6th grade everything changed
A 6th grader dealing with suicide
I told her I wanted it all to end
That it just wasn't worth it anymore

When my parents found out we had a talk
They told me things would be different
That they would be different

I remember the promises they made
A week later those promises never existed
But my pain remained

I once tried to end it all
Sometimes I look back and wonder if I made the right choice
And when I fall
I'm afraid I wont get back up
I'm afraid that I'm not strong enough
Those thoughts always enter my mind

Sometimes at night I think about life
Like if I were straight would I dodge hate
Or if I tried harder in school or were a better athlete
My parents wouldn't feel the need to lecture me about every little thing
I think about love and how everybody seems to take it for granted
Everything revolves around text messages instead of face to face interaction
"I love you" gets thrown around like a boomerang
And you stand there waiting for it to come back but realize that it was never yours to throw in the first place
Sometimes at night I think about life
Like maybe if I just opened my arms to the world
I would be ready to catch all the pain instead of letting it hit me in my face
If only I accepted every little thing for what it was
I would better understand why some experience more pain than others
Sometimes I miss sleep so I can think about life
Realizing that what I want has to be in my reach or else it never would of entered my mind
Just give it time
I'll make you realize that with life you take the good and the bad
Hand in hand
Always understand that where you stand isn't always where you plan to be
A little misfortune can sometimes be a blessing

I am a daughter a sister and a lover but a fighter when needed

I take what I can get but never give up hope that I may one day get more

I am a hopeless romantic and not afraid to admit it I am lost in a sea of dreams and not sure which way I should swim

People say I fall in love to quickly but maybe they don't fall fast enough

I am stubborn and doubtful I try not give into temptations or peer pressure

I am wild and crazy, loud and at times immature I am not afraid to say how I feel but then hesitate to make sure I don't hurt people

I am a friend I am overprotective and can go a little insane I try my best to make the ones I love happy I never fail to intertwine my dreams and my reality So I can one day say I achieved far beyond what was thought of me

I am an artist an athlete and a comedian I write how I feel, play to win and make others smile

I am gay but I don't let it define me I accept it I am proud of it

I am a one track mind with an old soul I am curly hair green eyes and talent that flows threw my bones

I try to be myself at all times I am a dreamer a believer and most of all I am an achiever Hoping that one day I find my place in this world and if I get lost I won't hesitate to stop and ask for directions

I am not afraid to chase my dreams even if they take me to the unknown I am more then what is shown on the outside I am more then you know

I don't know what goes on in this house
I don't know what I've been watching all these years
Pushing through the screaming, threatening and tears
Searching for the light that is supposed to be at the end of this tunnel
But I feel like I'm in a funnel
Spinning around and around
And when it stops
I'm left dizzy and confused
Waiting for the words "I'm sorry" and "I love you"
Growing up it was like World War 3
I was the soldier
And my enemies
Were called mom and dad
And looking back
This house that I have lived in
Was a battlefield
Where blood was shed and hearts were broken
Where I heard countless times "I hate you" "get out" "I wish I had never married you"
I was led to believe that home was a war zone
And I was left alone
To sit there and watch
Hoping to be rescued
Or woken from a lifelong nightmare
My pain became as real as the threats they said
My anger became as sharp as the knives they held
My home became my worst fear
And these walls became my fight for freedom
Home is where the heart is never applied to me
My home was full of hatred and countless enemies
If only they could see how many shots they've fired at me
And what its been like living in a constant World War 3

With everything that's around us
Sometimes we forget the big picture
Sometimes we hold are heads up searching
And miss what is right below us
And we think
Will we ever find what we are looking for
But do we even know what that is
Life is full of amazing Kodak moments
And hard life changing realities
We begin to question what we were originally looking for
What is it?
Where did it go?
I'm not sure
And we begin to question our ability to figure things out
Like realizing that no matter how hard yesterday was
The sun will still greet us in the morning
Or why that old song on the radio still makes you smile
We begin to think if we can do this
And as soon as we question our self's
We lose sight of what's right in front of us
True happiness does not mean that we have everything figures out
But it does mean that we can brush off the dirt and dust of life
And once we figure out that we can't control what happens to us
Be can control how we feel about it
Then life wont seem so bad anymore
All those twists and turns that we weren't expecting
Now have a purpose
And its to keep life interesting
And that my friends is a beautiful thing

Life has a way of changing
Rearranging
Turning in the opposite direction
And how you handle it
Live with it
And deal
Makes you a better person
You can be fully prepared
But still end up scared
You can lower your expectations
And still be let down
They say what doesn't **** you makes you stronger
Or is it just killing us slowly
And taking longer
Love can sometimes be the best thing about life
But if you take it for granted
You might be put to the side
Knowledge is key
That's what I've been told
With all this knowledge
The world is still cold
Don't waste your opportunities
They might not come back
Life is short
And in a snap
You can lose everything you have
But for some reason
We all still get consumed
By what other people have
Try and picture the life some people live
No electricity
Or food in the fridge
Get past the fact that you can't get that new phone
Get past the fact you might not have the nicest home
Life is a never ending battle
Between the good and the bad
You want things to be easier
Start being grateful for what you have

Friendship is like the glue that holds  a cracked vase together
You know that you will never be perfect again
But that glue will always remain
And in times of need
Friendship is the sun that warms you up
Lifts you up
Keeps the clouds away
And when the bond is strong
Drama nor distance can rip it apart
Strong today
Strong from the start
And when you've hit a bump in the road
Friendship is your tow truck
They always say lift your head up
And at the end of the day you can look back at all the pain
Realize where you are now and smile it away
Friendship is that smile on your face
So appreciate it everyday

You made me feel so small
You tried to take my voice
You waited for me to fall
You acted like this was a choice

I started to crumble
I started to break
I wanted to hide
I couldn't be fake

But I am rising
And you are so low in the ground
That you can't reach me
I am not hiding
So come find me

I will not let that word define me
And deep inside of me
I know that I will overcome this
And you will be stuck
Between your hatred and your ignorance
And while everyone else is moving forward
You will get left in the dust
And I'll look back
Shake my head
And wish you luck

People everyday experience hate
Others will never fully understand our pain
And all we want to do is dance in the rain
Like others do
But how am I supposed to react
When someone I don't know
Tries to fight back
Sticks and stones
Even though those words hurt just as bad
And you try so hard to be yourself
But people can never be fully satisfied unless you're someone else
And I didn't even do anything to you
But you felt the need to make a statement
Growing up I was taught to love everyone
But people like you make me want to run
Hatred is a result of what society has put upon us
"Everybody needs to be perfect"
But its still not enough
And what if in my eyes I'm ok
But you have to beat me down until I'm silent
I will never be someone else
Call me ******
Or call me something else
But in my eyes I am beautiful
And you are nothing more then a single lonely pathetic voice
Trying to state an opinion
An opinion that no one wants to hear
An opinion that will make everyone around you turn their backs and close their ears

I always looked for a sense of belonging
A calling
Something I could claim as my own
I searched for something inside me
But never felt at home
And as people started to find themselves
I was stuck in a hole
Not knowing who I was
Searching long and hard
For my soul
People told me to be whoever I wanted
And I just wanted to be free
But this secret kept a hold on me
It latched on and wouldn't let go
And I knew I had to let it go
But this whole feeling of belonging
Stopped me in my tracks
I couldn't look back
See it turns out that I knew who I was
But I hoped along the way
It would change
I would hopefully outgrow these feelings
Even though deep down I knew they would stay the same
So my sense of belonging quickly went away
And I had to be ok with it
The sad thing is
I spent so much time pushing it away
Instead of smiling and being ok
So much time lost trying to find a new me
So much time lost trying to be free
Instead of living

One morning I opened my locker
A piece of paper fell out
I picked it up and read it
To my surprise it said
No one likes a ***
My first response was to read it again
To make sure I didn't get the words wrong
I hadn't
My second response was pure rage
I said to myself
Well this is a great way to start my day
I threw the hateful message in the trash can
Went into the bathroom to wash my hands
As the hate spew down the sink
The pain was still in my heart
Who would write such a thing
This happened about a week after I came out
I felt so free
Only to find out that someone didn't approve of me
I can't explain how it felt to read that note
I couldn't tell a single soul
I didn't want to be that one gay kid
Who tried to stop bullying with just one swing
Even thought this wasn't some little thing
If you think this is no big deal
Try walking in my shoes
What would you do
Find the kid and beat him up
No
You can't stop hate by using hate
I put a smile on my face and held my head high
Knowing that the kid who did this could be near by
But although there was a smile on my face
Those words on the paper burned a hole in my heart
If you don't believe me
Take a look at my scars

I wonder what my future holds
I try to picture it in my head
Waiting for it to unfold
Before I end up dead
All of my mistakes
All of my regrets
Will finally wash away
Everything will be okay
One day

I picture the perfect girl
And I know she is out there
Waiting for my turn
Hoping that I learn
That I actually matter
And she will love me
And I will love her
Everything will be great
One day

The past is the past
I'm moving too fast
To look back
A set of traps
But I move around them
And one day everything will change
One day you will all be amazed
For I will have succeeded
And everyone who believed in me
Will be rewarded
And everyone who doubted me
Will be left speechless
One day

She sat across the room from me
Pondering about her life and lost love
I sat there smiling
Because I had found mine
We were only 16
And had nothing figured out
She had given up
But I continued to fight
I wanted her
She was searching for light
And as we sat across from each other
I desperately needed her eyes
Desperately searched for her love
But never found it
And I became stuck between self pity and heartache
And out of the blue
She found love

I don't understand pain
Or why I seem to be more depressed when it rains
Dark days
Seem to bring out the poet in me
But for some reason I never show it
The lightning strikes
The thunder booms
And all I can think about is you
But I push those thoughts away
Maybe save them for another rainy day
But what is pain?
And why do I always seem to go through it
Bad luck I guess
May be depressed?
But none the less
Writing seems to make me think about my past
Which is scary
That's one thing I hate most of all
It's the reason I fall
But my future
Is the reason I get back up
The reason I don't cut
Why I always chose to love

I'm gay
But I never wanted to be
I never wanted this permanent thing
That defines me
I was ashamed of myself
I hated myself
I thought the church would turn their backs on me
I thought God didn't want me
Who would want a gay daughter
Nobody
I would pray that I was straight
Yell at the top of my lungs
"Lord take this gayness away!"
I got no reply
That day I almost took my life
Stop the noise
Stop the looks
Stop the hatred
Just make it stop
All that time I couldn't see
That God truly loved me
I missed all the signs
To worried about the pain inside
He wasn't ashamed
He loves me
He loves everybody
God made me this way
Not to suffer
But to inspire
That's what I'm going to do
Express my point of view
God didn't make me this way
Because He hates me
He did it because He loves me

I try my best to let things go
Let feelings show
To go with the flow

Can't let things go to my head
Safe in my bed
Numb but not dead

I'm walking away from you
With all the scars from what you put me through
Told myself I would never fall for you
But yet I did

Now look at us
Spitting images of our parents
No trust
Told you it would never be like that
We weren't our parents
We were us

Our love was strong
Even though the miles seperated us
We got through it all
Pushed aside our fears
And jumped

But we let insecurites run our lives
Listened to every rumor
Every lie
We just couldn't hold on
Like our parents
Not as strong
As we wanted to be

Now we are both free
But still see our parents
Horrible history

Now that's us
But we tried so hard
To not fall into that catagory

I looked at her
And with complete peace
I smiled
Knowing that her's was hiding pain
She was never loved
Was never seen as anything special
Beat up and bruised by the words of others
People
Who didn't even know her
As I grew to know her
Love her
I found myself in her unconditional love
She never judged

He was tormented everyday
For something he couldn't change
Gay
Pushed down stairs
Shoved into lockers
And when he came home
His parents couldn't even look at him
Blinded by their hate
They pushed him away
Into the hands of drugs
Not because he wanted to
But because he felt no love

And as for me
My story has bits and pieces of theirs
Cutting was what fueled my life
Sucide
Because I was never loved by someone
Looked down apon because of who I loved
I never knew how good life could be
Until I heard other peoples stories

No one should be treated badly
We all search for happiness
But sometimes that's at the cost of others
We all have light and dark within us
Choose to fuel the light
Choose to diminsh the dark

To tell you the truth
I've run out of things to say
Each dawn brings a new day
Trying to unlock my secrets
That I hid from myself
Secrets only God could unfold
Trying to make wishes into reality
I want something I can hold
But I was told wishes are for suckers
There is no dreaming in this world
Hope is for the weak
The strong just do
And I tried my best to live up to you
Somethings just can't be done
Somethings just can't be won
But I still dream
Dream of a better life
Try to make those dreams into reality
I want something more in this life

I can't help but think this is a curse
Day by day it just gets worse
All I want is to find myself
Trying not to be anyone else
And I find myself hoping
That maybe one day I'll be different
Even though I wake up and I'm the same
Am I good enough
Am I strong enough
Will people accept me
Or do I have to fight for love

I am at war with myself
Part of me wants to be someone else
The other part just wants to run
Run and run and run
Until I'm free
Break loose from these chains and hooks
That are tying me down
Until I can't breathe

I feel lost
I feel broken
Hope is slowly slipping
And I look up at the sky
Hoping for a better life
But thankful that I'm alive
Maybe someday I'll realize
What it truly means to be alive
To feel love again
And not let it slip away
To hold onto it and pray
Pray that it stays
Maybe someday I'll accept that fact that I can't change
Could that do possibly be today

I didn't choose this
I didn't want this
Sometimes we're dealt bad cards
And we have to live with it
Hated for being me
Judged for being me
And all those people, they don't really see
What it takes to say those words
Two little words
With the biggest meaning
I'm gay
Hooray
Look at me I did it
Now I really have to live with it
Whispers in the halls
Prank phone calls
Very mature guys
Watch as another kid takes their life
"It was a joke"
That's the biggest lie
You could have stopped it
Instead you stood there and watched it
Now who's laughing
Yea no one
Now its all your fault
And you'll have to live with it
No more prank phone calls
No more jokes
No more put downs
All because of a few little words
Do you understand now
Two little words
The difference between life and death
This is me
I didn't choose this
I didn't want this
But it's a new day
And I can't change the fact that
**I am gay

What is life
In the hands of someone who doesn't know what it is
A sunset
A long car ride
People always ask
But never recieve the correct answer
People look
But do not see
The truth behind the little things
But no one seems to belive me
Life can be a beautiful thing
Beauty from within
If everyone showed a little beauty
Beauty without sin
And I could walk forever
But never reach my destination
You'll find the truth
When you are ready to listen

I was taught to be myself
That knowledge was the best kind of wealth
That I would grow up to be someone great
Now that's all demolished because of the hate
Trying to find myself
In a world full of lost people
Is like trying to find a piece of hay
In a pile full of needles
Everywhere I go
I get poked
People with all their gay jokes
Or the ones who try and tell me that God doesn't love me
Oh I'm sorry I didn't know you spoke for the Big Man up above me
And people ask the dumbest question
I feel obligated to give sarcastic answers
See the ones who judge me
Are usually the ones who don't know me
I can be your best friend
Or your worst enemy
It all depends on how you treat me
And people usually don't understand
That I'll be hated forever
Even if I can get married anywhere
Hatred will live on forever
Which we shouldn't be proud of
And what will our children think
When they look back at our history
Oh they hated gay people
Like that's some big mystery
See I could talk about this all day
I'll take my pride all the way to my grave
Live each day as if it were my last
While you're busy hating me
I'll just look at you and laugh