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Oct 26 · 68
hard pill
amanda Oct 26
it’s a hard pill to swallow

but he puts it on my tongue
and tells me to swallow

i gulp down a man
who isn’t you

and just like the other drugs—
he didn’t help me forget you

~
Oct 26 · 276
you haunted halloween
amanda Oct 26
the knock on the door scared me

8pm
halloween night
i wasn’t expecting trick-or-treaters
at my apartment door

i texted you
“i don’t have candy—
what do i do??”

you encouraged me
begged me
to open the door

“it would be rude to ignore them, amanda”

it wasn’t a child
it wasn’t a skeleton or a ghost

it was you

and a bouquet of flowers

and a note

“i know this month has been hard for us
but i have a feeling
november will be the best to come”

november was the end
how has it been a year
since i lost the only man
i’ve ever truly loved
Mar 2021 · 1.5k
forgery
amanda Mar 2021
i’m not happy

but i practiced forging
its signature
until no one could tell
the difference
Jan 2021 · 172
afterthought
amanda Jan 2021
i would rather
not be thought of
than to be after-thought of
ending all my
sentences with
prepositions
and i don't have
the energy to care
Jan 2021 · 780
eat me out
amanda Jan 2021
i want you
to wear my legs
like a necklace
Jan 2021 · 875
odd
amanda Jan 2021
odd
i put you first

you put me third

or is it fifth?

i don’t know,
i just know
it’s odd
Dec 2020 · 164
hurricane
amanda Dec 2020
they called me a hurricane
like i was a disaster

you saw my rain
and called me a force
you don’t make me feel
like a hot mess

you make me feel
like a force of nature
Dec 2020 · 203
onus
amanda Dec 2020
i stopped asking
why you hurt me
and started asking
why i let you
Dec 2020 · 162
i didn’t want goodbye
amanda Dec 2020
if there was a word
other than
goodbye
that meant
choosing myself instead of you

i would have used it
i hate that this
is what i need
Dec 2020 · 72
until you
amanda Dec 2020
i’ve always known
how to be
a fantasy

i didn’t know how
to have one
lili

you taught me
how to crave the taste
of someone

and to be honest,
i still do
Dec 2020 · 160
goodbye
amanda Dec 2020
if sunsets
have taught me
one thing

it’s how to expect
the sunrise
as sad as it is,
i don’t cry over
goodbyes anymore

and that includes
you

we served our purposes
in each other’s lives
Dec 2020 · 105
up, up and away
amanda Dec 2020
like a feather
falling gracefully toward
your lips

every time we got close,
you blew me up, up and away

you had to know
it was only a matter of time
before a breeze would
come along to carry me
up, up and away
from you
Dec 2020 · 105
wanderer
amanda Dec 2020
tell me how
she has a soul so large
it fits into nothing
but a suitcase
covid’s been hell
for all of us

but especially for those
of us who feel lost at home
and most at home when lost
Dec 2020 · 113
no one
amanda Dec 2020
you always said
no one deserves me

i just never imagined
you could ever be
no one
Dec 2020 · 150
crucify
amanda Dec 2020
you gave me a crown
of thorns
and called me a queen

blood and mascara streaming
down the sides of my face

as i begged you
to put another nail
through my heart
i don’t romanticize
martyrdom
like i used to
Dec 2020 · 73
not real
amanda Dec 2020
you wonder why
you have to create metaphors
in order to understand
his love

oh honey...
that’s because it’s not real
Dec 2020 · 84
past the thrashing
amanda Dec 2020
some say drowning
feels oddly peaceful
after all the thrashing

the moment you know
your lungs
wont taste oxygen again
and you give your body over
to the water

i think you and i
are past the thrashing
i can’t keep finding
the surface
every time we almost drown

i need to give in
to the water this time
Dec 2020 · 89
delete contact
amanda Dec 2020
you know my face
my laugh
and my story
by heart

but not my number

so do me a favor
and delete it
Dec 2020 · 72
adjust
amanda Dec 2020
you’ve left me
in the dark
long enough
for my eyes
to adjust
you’ve made me feel
so unimportant
recently

and i don’t much care for
this phase you’re in
Dec 2020 · 160
time
amanda Dec 2020
i lay here beneath
the wall of clocks
you created for me

the sound
of their ticking in unison—

a deafening reminder
that you once
made time for me
but you don’t
anymore
Dec 2020 · 67
constellation
amanda Dec 2020
i wonder how many
millions of years
it’ll take
for those stars to die

the ones that spell out
your name
Dec 2020 · 65
reverse
amanda Dec 2020
what if we woke up to
find the sun rising in the west?

would i be your lover
and her your second best?
if the world started
spinning in reverse...
would you go back
and meet me first?
Nov 2020 · 6.1k
amanda
amanda Nov 2020
amanda
amand
aman
ama
am
i
allowed to admit
these letters
are losing meaning
everyday?
some days
i don't want to be me

some days i don't want
to be a person
Nov 2020 · 171
permanence
amanda Nov 2020
there will be no
photos
labels
or diamond rings
to validate
the permanence
of the life we spent together

only the fact
that i never would have chosen
to do it without you
Nov 2020 · 118
almost
amanda Nov 2020
i guess the thing
that hurt the most
wasn’t you choosing her

it was the way
you almost didn’t
i felt like you used me
as a distraction
when you two weren’t
doing well
Nov 2020 · 228
all the tuesdays
amanda Nov 2020
you make forever
seem less like a concept,
and more like
all the tuesdays
Nov 2020 · 61
the blood, mine
amanda Nov 2020
the knife in my back was
yours

the fingerprints
hers

the blood
mine
Nov 2020 · 271
terminal velocity
amanda Nov 2020
we hit terminal velocity

where we couldn’t


physically fall



any faster





and then we hit










the ground
i guess that was to be
expected
Nov 2020 · 73
just friends
amanda Nov 2020
i've gone from lovers
to strangers
and beginnings
to ends

but the most
painful change
is still best
to friends
we used to be best friends

but somewhere along
the way,
we lost our best
Nov 2020 · 67
naked
amanda Nov 2020
i didn't feel naked
when you asked me
to undress

i felt naked
when i realized
you asked her to,
too
i dont trust you anymore
Oct 2020 · 36
missionary
amanda Oct 2020
you once told me
she’s not that fun in bed...

i’m excited to see
what god you end up
believing in
after all that missionary work
Oct 2020 · 57
consolation prize
amanda Oct 2020
you do not get to
call me

magical

brilliant

stunning


you do not get to
turn those beautiful words
into a consolation prize
you lost the right
to love me
the moment you chose her
Oct 2020 · 41
you're afraid
amanda Oct 2020
you're afraid
of how far you'd fall
if you jumped

you're afraid
i wouldn’t catch you

you're more afraid
i would
everything about
a future with me
scares the **** out of you

because you're a smart man
Oct 2020 · 68
dead end
amanda Oct 2020
so i just sit here
parked at this dead end
of a relationship

because it's still
the most beautiful road
i've ever taken
Oct 2020 · 40
same state
amanda Oct 2020
at least now we both exist
in the same state

confusion
heartbreak
yearning
virginia
i love being
this close to you

even if we’re worlds apart
Oct 2020 · 77
collapse
amanda Oct 2020
i guess we finally
found out

we can't both fall
and not collapse
the second
you started having
feelings for me

we started cracking

i was afraid of that
Oct 2020 · 73
insomnia
amanda Oct 2020
i’m grateful for the nights
i can’t sleep
for the time i get to spend
with the stars—
none of us knowing
why we have to exist
in the dark,
but choosing to shine anyway
4am and counting
Oct 2020 · 44
it’s not your fault
amanda Oct 2020
it’s not your fault
that he needed
two women
to make him happy

it’s not your fault
that she met him first

it’s not your fault
that you refuse to be second
Oct 2020 · 53
alive
amanda Oct 2020
we keep doing this thing
because it makes us
feel alive

torture does that, ya know

makes you keenly aware
of exactly how much blood
is left in your veins
dramatic
but not inaccurate
Oct 2020 · 71
monsters
amanda Oct 2020
i wasn’t wrong
to fear monsters
as a girl

i just expected them
to live in the dark

not in the silence
when you don’t respond to me
i assume you’re with her
—in her—
forgetting all about me
Oct 2020 · 48
starstuff
amanda Oct 2020
it terrifies me—
the thought

if the stars hadn’t made you...

where would all that magic
have gone?
Oct 2020 · 123
chest
amanda Oct 2020
our life will be a series
of you
breaking my heart,
and then begging to glue it
back together—

the closest you can get
to putting your hands
on my chest
Oct 2020 · 232
still
amanda Oct 2020
if the world
ever stops turning

i hope you’re the one
i’m still with
Oct 2020 · 210
matter
amanda Oct 2020
my dear,
if all you are
is matter,
i don't know how
you could ever believe
you're not important
for all my humans
who are struggling
amanda Oct 2020
you and i
are holding hands
on the edge
of something beautiful

so you tell me—

do you want to enjoy
the view,
or the fall?
Oct 2020 · 138
line in the sand
amanda Oct 2020
we never crossed
the line that we drew in the sand

i just stood on my side,
staring at you on yours

and dropped my towel
i love that
you’ve seen me naked
Oct 2020 · 17
record
amanda Oct 2020
so what if the needle
never drops

what if
we just keep spinning
around and around

so much potential

but never any sound
amanda Sep 2020
i always
respected
the kind of depression
that cut
into wrists
and arms

as i stood there
on a balcony

scared i might feel
the impact
i'm terrified
of physical pain
cause i'm a dainty lil thing

but some people
cut themselves
to deal with
their emotional pain,
and i think that makes them
stronger than they realize

unwell, yes.
but strong.

message me next time
you need to bleed out
on someone, please?
Sep 2020 · 61
little pink canvas
amanda Sep 2020
there’s this little pink canvas
between my legs

come

paint your name
all over it,
won’t you?
Sep 2020 · 20
moon
amanda Sep 2020
i don’t need
to ever touch
the moon

i just need to know
the moon resents the space
between us
like i do
he’s the moon
he’s the sun
he’s the ocean
he’s every metaphor
for intangible love
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