it’s a hard pill to swallow

but he puts it on my tongue
and tells me to swallow

i gulp down a man
who isn’t you

and just like the other drugs—
he didn’t help me forget you

~

the knock on the door scared me

8pm
halloween night
i wasn’t expecting trick-or-treaters
at my apartment door

i texted you
“i don’t have candy—
what do i do??”

you encouraged me
begged me
to open the door

“it would be rude to ignore them, amanda”

it wasn’t a child
it wasn’t a skeleton or a ghost

it was you

and a bouquet of flowers

and a note

“i know this month has been hard for us
but i have a feeling
november will be the best to come”

november was the end

i’m not happy

but i practiced forging
its signature
until no one could tell
the difference

i would rather
not be thought of
than to be after-thought of

i want you
to wear my legs
like a necklace

i put you first

you put me third

or is it fifth?

i don’t know,
i just know
it’s odd

they called me a hurricane
like i was a disaster

you saw my rain
and called me a force

i stopped asking
why you hurt me
and started asking
why i let you

if there was a word
other than
goodbye
that meant
choosing myself instead of you

i would have used it

i’ve always known
how to be
a fantasy

i didn’t know how
to have one

if sunsets
have taught me
one thing

it’s how to expect
the sunrise

like a feather
falling gracefully toward
your lips

every time we got close,
you blew me up, up and away

you had to know
it was only a matter of time
before a breeze would
come along to carry me
up, up and away
from you

tell me how
she has a soul so large
it fits into nothing
but a suitcase

you always said
no one deserves me

i just never imagined
you could ever be
no one

you gave me a crown
of thorns
and called me a queen

blood and mascara streaming
down the sides of my face

as i begged you
to put another nail
through my heart

you wonder why
you have to create metaphors
in order to understand
his love

oh honey...
that’s because it’s not real

some say drowning
feels oddly peaceful
after all the thrashing

the moment you know
your lungs
wont taste oxygen again
and you give your body over
to the water

i think you and i
are past the thrashing

you know my face
my laugh
and my story
by heart

but not my number

so do me a favor
and delete it

you’ve left me
in the dark
long enough
for my eyes
to adjust

i lay here beneath
the wall of clocks
you created for me

the sound
of their ticking in unison—

a deafening reminder
that you once
made time for me

i wonder how many
millions of years
it’ll take
for those stars to die

the ones that spell out
your name

what if we woke up to
find the sun rising in the west?

would i be your lover
and her your second best?

amanda
amand
aman
ama
am
i
allowed to admit
these letters
are losing meaning
everyday?

there will be no
photos
labels
or diamond rings
to validate
the permanence
of the life we spent together

only the fact
that i never would have chosen
to do it without you

i guess the thing
that hurt the most
wasn’t you choosing her

it was the way
you almost didn’t

you make forever
seem less like a concept,
and more like
all the tuesdays

the knife in my back was
yours

the fingerprints
hers

the blood
mine

we hit terminal velocity

where we couldn’t


physically fall



any faster





and then we hit










the ground

i've gone from lovers
to strangers
and beginnings
to ends

but the most
painful change
is still best
to friends

i didn't feel naked
when you asked me
to undress

i felt naked
when i realized
you asked her to,
too

you once told me
she’s not that fun in bed...

i’m excited to see
what god you end up
believing in
after all that missionary work

you do not get to
call me

magical

brilliant

stunning

you do not get to
turn those beautiful words
into a consolation prize

you're afraid
of how far you'd fall
if you jumped

you're afraid
i wouldn’t catch you

you're more afraid
i would

so i just sit here
parked at this dead end
of a relationship

because it's still
the most beautiful road
i've ever taken

at least now we both exist
in the same state

confusion
heartbreak
yearning
virginia

i guess we finally
found out

we can't both fall
and not collapse

i’m grateful for the nights
i can’t sleep
for the time i get to spend
with the stars—
none of us knowing
why we have to exist
in the dark,
but choosing to shine anyway

it’s not your fault
that he needed
two women
to make him happy

it’s not your fault
that she met him first

it’s not your fault
that you refuse to be second

we keep doing this thing
because it makes us
feel alive

torture does that, ya know—

makes you keenly aware
of exactly how much blood
is left in your veins

i wasn’t wrong
to fear monsters
as a girl

i just expected them
to live in the dark

not in the silence

it terrifies me—
the thought

if the stars hadn’t made you...

where would all that magic
have gone?

our life will be a series
of you
breaking my heart,
and then begging to glue it
back together—

the closest you can get
to putting your hands
on my chest

if the world
ever stops turning

i hope you’re the one
i’m still with

my dear,
if all you are
is matter,
i don't know how
you could ever believe
you're not important

you and i
are holding hands
on the edge
of something beautiful

so you tell me—

do you want to enjoy
the view,
or the fall?

we never crossed
the line that we drew in the sand

i just stood on my side,
staring at you on yours

and dropped my towel

so what if the needle
never drops

what if
we just keep spinning
around and around

so much potential

but never any sound

i always
respected
the kind of depression
that cut
into wrists
and arms

as i stood there
on a balcony

scared i might feel
the impact

there’s this little pink canvas
between my legs

come

paint your name
all over it,
won’t you?

i don’t need
to ever touch
the moon

i just need to know
the moon resents the space
between us
like i do