Peeping eyes
Colorful Mushrooms
Decay exists as a life form
It reminds me of you and I
I hope you’ll see what I need you to see
And you’ll love my establishment of mutual understanding
And
"Please tell me you love me more than being Sick”

abyss
void of sound
eyes tightly clenched shut
digits connected to tense palms over little ears
nothing can hurt me here
or so i thought
all the times she screamed at me
i should've just covered my ears

2001
halloween
a broken girl
a broken boy
***** a missed dose of birth control and a broken ******
"callee"
a guardian angel sacrfice

“Is this how you want your life to go?”
No
That’s why I’ll be gone by 21

at least i know you have my back
when i lost my grandpa
you were there
when i felt loved
you were there
when my friends left
you were there
when i met my brother
you were there
when my momma and i fought
you were there
when my dad left
you were there
when i suffered among filth
you were there
when i fell in love
you were there
when i lost love
you were there
i took pills for awhile
to bring back the light
you wouldn't go away
stopped taking them
i can't get rid of you
you are all i have

i know this will **** me
i don't seem to care
i wanna be laid to rest in all the happy memories i have always been swadeled in
it seems as though that blanket only drew to my ankles
i have cold feet about the rest of my life

the original me bled out on her mothers ***** bathroom floor
the filth and abuse because too much for her
everything since that day
hasn't
felt
real

you were home
you made me really sick

I deleted all the photos
I blocked you on everything
I moved to an entire new state to get away from you
Yet I noticed
I still sleep in your shirt

I love feeling my heart get weaker
I mean hey
I asked it to stop pumping a long time ago

i didn't ween myself off of you
even though you were the most addicting drug i've ever touched
one day i decided i couldn't take the comedowns anymore
no matter how high i got off you
i'd like to tell my family i've kicked you
my skins glowing and my smile no longer seldom
yet sometimes the idea of you sets my soul ablaze
and i get the urge
to pick through all my files
emails
messages
memories
carpet picking for shards of you
even the worst of you
i've quit you cold turkey
but it's a fun idea, isn't it?

i can't unsee my eyes
i'll always feel my fingers
grounded to my toes
mouse brown shall always root in my skull
there's just some parts of you
i can't outrun

We’re the same
We’re complete opposites
I grew around you
But you aren’t that anymore
And now I am no longer growing around who you use to be
But I have become you
The you that no longer exists

i use to grab your vape from our bed
faster than your hands could move
and i would grin at you as i raised it to my mouth
i would hack immediately
"see? what did i tell you?"
you didn't tell me ****
the homie and i would roam the back roads
passing it back and forth
it felt like stitches for my soul
so i really doubt
it was the nic that hurt me

i'll shove every word into my skull
until the tears stop falling
and i forget your face

i knew a man who was the best **** actor
i'd ever met
there was this silky texture to his skin underneath the stage lights
there was endless echoes in his laughter
his arms were a safe haven within his own theatre
i could feel his soul become one with mine
watching him perform an entire act
with just our bodies
i don't think i have ever seen a portrayal of love look so convincing
but it was all an act
when the lights were out and he took off his mask
there stood a gremlin of a man
possessing the most vile soul i had ever come in contact with
a man who convinced me i was a precursor of his lies
there stood an extension of Abaddon
in the middle of an empty stage

why are there already nats around me?
i'm not dead yet you freaks

acceptance
this is where i came from
this IS familiar
it'll be ok
it'll be absolute euphoria

he once wrote on my bulletin board in animal crossing
"you're precious"

i feel regret and pain
but there's something to be desired in the little space between

you are all the things that are wrong with you

TW- S*icide
a few months ago my cousin committed
and year and years before so a different cousin did
i wonder what they would tell me
would they tell me to go through with it?

were you a bad person
purely so that i got the point that you didn't deserve me?

in the most platonic way possible
i enjoy sleeping next to you
or anyone i love
because i know
i'm sleeping next to someone who will miss me when i'm dead

i'm in unimaginable pain
but i have never been happier

"Industrialization is ruining humanity
Capitalism is ruining humanity
Social Media is ruining humanity"
*******
Since the dawn of time every single advancement in our existence has lead to our downfall
If we've learned anything in the past year it's how bleak everything truly is
We have blindly chased progress all this time
Existence in itself is merely a capitalization on some sort of product
Some way to have profit
We're all born to die
We're meant to have a downfall
We can't last forever

insecurity in itself is greed
you sit there
you ramble
about how
you can't do this because you aren't thin
you can't look good because your nose is too big
you aren't lovable because you're scatterbrained
dude
listen
you block out all the love everyone is giving you
pieces of their soul
in the process of hating yourself
you also project your hurt onto others
who are just like you
that just wanna feel loved
and
who wants to make you feel loved

menthol cigerettes
vomiting
starvation
depression
suicidal idealization
heartbreak
it’s all growing pains, baby

don't worry about me
i'll worry about you
it's my job
relax son,
i'm your guardian angel
if your soul is cracking at the seams
you can have some of mine
and when i'm gone
you can return it with your tears
and replace it with my peace

Summer this year doesn’t feel like all the others
I can’t help but see the calories on a can of Arizona tea
Abanonded on a park bench
When did that become all I could see?

you're not all one
but in my mind you shall be
through your bedroom window and the floor beside your bed i lied
in the garage i smoked *** with you and your baby-mothers-father
in the back of your car where i first heard the melody of my soul
in your inner city house i spent too much time in
waking up in your arms and you lying to me then and months down the road
sleeping in your van while it was 40 degrees
in your arms because i was lonely
in your heatless house with candles lit and all but it wasn't romantic
running on no sleep while the sun scanned over us that morning
in your basement while your mom was at work
in another basement as i stared at the posters on your wall
you are different people
but i still got what i wanted

i never understood how you can love someone
and not be ready for them
because if it was true love you'd take them
anytime
anyday
anywhere
any life
but that's just not the case
when i look at you i see somebody whose loved me for a long time
and i've taken it for granted because on some level it's not what i want
truly
if i ever had your heart
i'd take it for granted
but it's ok babe
just hold my hand
and we'll go get cotton candy together.

you treat me like a person
i shouldn't like you for that

hair on the bathroom sink
a lit cigerette not far from it
the smell of stolen cologne
cool dye resting on my scalp
the only thing in my system is a can of monster
ive never felt more connected to the world i want to escape to

it's nearly impossible to fathom how somebody else is alive because i chose to be
with this roots emerged from the soil beneath my feet
curling around every inch of skin rapidly
down my throat and over my eyes
i have become encased
within the plane of a boy prophet

orange and red streaks reflected on garden eyes
smoke in my lungs
and a tiny bit of cancer between two delicate fingers
as you grow, everything changes
for better or for worse
life is short baby girl
light a cig

all you do is **** me off
i complain about you all the time
and everyone asks why i'm still friends with you
and i wonder too

Material divided
The odds aren't great
But the longer I stare into your picture
I know what sacrifices I'm willing to make
My fingers play with the silk slipping back and forth
Now there is a ribbon around my torso
Plastic china shrank to distort
Ever so slowly
Painfully
Carving skin
Against an indifferent ribbon

it won't matter that i wasn't enough
if we all one day will experience the same thing
we're all as worthy as one another
and that's enough validation for me

i am AMO
the little robot from adventure time
i am self destructive
i am ******* absolutely out of my mind
as i grew in my mothers womb
i was created to recieve love

wake up
you wouldn't wanna miss your autopsy

please don't leave me
please
please
please
pleaaase don't leave me
i love you so much
please don't leave
i'll be anything you want me to be
i'll lose weight i'll let you cheat on me just please don't leave
please don't leave me
i'm sorry i got angry when you ****** another girl just please stay baby i'll do anything for you please

over the moon
observing active decay
day by day

i think i want to spend more time with you
something draws me to you
and that something yearns to **** me

Take over
It’s fine I promise
Make a shell out of me
***** making me tired
This is just something I’ve put too much energy into trying to fix
I ran my course

vulnerability
i should've been able to indulge in it

i hope it resonates
the ways of me
my eyes you'll drown in deep crystal blue as you sink to the bottom
where god hid gold
my laugh deafening and leaving no silence for hate
plump lips where words fly like knives and cut open your heart
the numbers carved into my collarbone numbering your days
in existence
i am alpha
i am the omega
the beginning
and the end

when my day comes
i know what i'll feel
i'll feel the fear
the realization
the regret
the awareness
the acceptance
it'll be the most terrifying and peaceful moment
the moment i was born to feel
the feeling i was destined to experience
starting as a twinkle in my fathers eye
the first atom in the giant explosion of stars and galaxies
that nonexistence gave birth to from the canal of endless black abyss

i can't indulge in my favorite escape
it'll make me fat