Cold veins,
Dizzy gaze,
Slurred Speech,
And unstable feet;
This is all I'll ever be
A sad sight for all to see.
The frigid bathroom water drips from my old face,
They fall delicately with such grace.
And as I look up to observe
At a hard face that is so unpreserved
All I see
Is a face that does not belong to me.
The face my eyes stare apon
Is someone I thought I had with such a strong bond.
I thought you were someone I could honor,
But you were just my drunken father.

The harsh words you have ever directed towards me
Echo above on a constant repeat,
“You’ll never be good enough”
“You’re looking kinda rough”
“You’re just my walking paycheck”
“All you ever do is wreck”
“You are the only regret I wish I could undo”
“I hate you”

If not watching closely the single tear that has now mixed
With the droplets of splashed water would have been missed.
In my dream the eyes in this endless reflection
Are full of sadness and realization;
Realization that you are all alone, and the once vibrant
Bedroom occupied by me is now vacant.
It wasn’t you that pushed me away, but
It was merely your mind tainted with the poison of alcohol that felt like a kick to the gut
All this man feels now is regret for all the time that has come to pass
If only you had just put down your whiskey glass.

When I awaken from my slumber
I don’t feel sadness only hope and wonder
Hope that this dream will become reality,
And hope that I will once again see
My father as he was meant to be.
Sober,
Letting this horrid nightmare be over.

You have pushed me
To who I have come to be.
Once a scared little girl,
Now stronger than any white pearl.
Daddy you were never my strongest positive  influence,
And I will not push you to feel any repentance.
I will prove all of your cruel words wrong,
Sadly because of you I am now strong.

i thought i’d be kind.
gentle, steady,
the type who always calls back,
who never lets go first.

i thought i’d be better.
the kind of girl who keeps her word,
who doesn’t make promises she can’t hold
like water in her hands.

i didn’t think i’d lie.
not to my friends,
not to myself,
not to the boy who tells me he loves me
even when i flinch.

i didn’t think i’d hurt anyone.
but i did,
with silence, with distance,
with the way i look away when someone needs me.
i didn’t mean to.

i thought healing would look cleaner.
i thought love would fix it.
i thought i’d be someone else by now.
someone more like who i was
before i broke into pieces
and learned to stay that way.

but here i am,
still trying,
still hoping someone will see the good parts
and stay long enough
to remind me they’re real.

all in a group
talking after church
they asked you about a girl
you denied, denied, denied
you keep looking at me now
“she’s just not my type”
you’re looking at me
with eyes that wonder if i care
if im possibly jealous
it gives me a spark
a glimmer of hope
cuz why would you care if i cared?
i must be delusional