Today*
I held your shaky hand in mine
and wondered
what it would be like to hold your heart.
And if we'd ever trust anyone again.
Today
your fingers touched my skin like I was something delicate
and your eyes scanned my body not like curiosity
but like patient admiration.
And today
someone told me the birthmark on my neck was cute
and I didn't correct them because that day was the most
alive
I've ever felt.

Every night
before I go to bed,
I scroll through your pictures so that when I close my eyes,
I'll see you staring back at me.
And for the next few hours, I will live in a land where
you can hold me and still call me yours.
And every morning at 6:16 when I have only fourteen minutes left before I go,
I spend four of those minutes staring at myself in the mirror and wondering
how you did not see a flaw in me.
As my day goes on, the minutes pass slowly
as I try to pinpoint
the second I let you down.
I search the faces in the halls,
seeing which one looks most like yours
and admiring it for a fraction of a second
before I realize it's not yours.
I used to call you and we'd spend hours talking about nothing
but it was time worth spending if I got to hear your voice.
The way you said my name drove me crazy,
like it meant something more to you than any other person I'd met.
And you called me baby like I belonged to you.
Your laugh made me smile and I tried my hardest to make it never stop.
You hated when I did that.
Still your blond hair hits me every time.
It never gets old, looking at you.
I wish I'd told you more, how beautiful you are.
Your eyes are so blue,
I got lost in the them, searching for the clouds.
The way your lips curled into a smile made heat spread through my chest.
Every curve of your body made my heart swell and my fingers ache for your skin.
Sometimes I listen to the music I know you love and
I wonder what it meant to you to have these lyrics remind you of me.
And how it feels now, listening to songs that I know were written just for you.
But somewhere along the way I lost myself
and I lost you.
I watched the world tear at our limbs.
The words flew like bullets,
each one aimed straight for the heart.
But I know we didn't mean them, not really.
With each blow, we took a step back.
Now, when I reach out for you in my dreams,
you're not there.
And it burns.
And every time I get tired of life and feel like closing my eyes,
drifting off into oblivion,
I remember that it's just life and everyone's got their hell to deal with.
My smart little angel,
you're right.
Life. It *****.

I can see myself now,
Shouting "farewell" to this place
And the lonely souls who occupy it;
Floating around in oblivious, liquid states.
I've felt the tug of roots from the trees,
Grasping my ankles, begging me to join them,
But the promise of concrete skies and neon greetings have gnawed their way
Through my skull.
I won't apologize for giving in to my desires,
For broadening my knowledge
And making use of my short existence.
I am not limited
To this simplistic, little rock.

Chin up.
Nose high in the air,
That arrogance they always admired.
But they hated how
sometimes
I didn't want to look in the mirror.
Their voices ring in my head,
as I stand before this ridge.
My toes curl around the edges,
clinging for dear life.
Though I have no desire to stay.
My heart is waiting for the moment it will find rest
It pounds through my chest as if to give me a little
Push.
My mind is reeling.
Too many thoughts, voices, noise;
so much noise.
Enough.
I spread my wings,
bend my knees and take off.
Watching day become night.

She is not your soul mate.
Your soul mate is crying in the dark because
She doesn't know
You are her light.

He is not your soul mate.
Your soul mate wears his robe to an early graduation.
His wits won't take him far away
But your kiss will.

She is not your soul mate.
Your soul mate draws death on every surface because
He hasn't seen your face, yet.

He is not your soul mate.
Your soul mate looks in the mirror and smiles because
Love is a dangerous thing.