It started out as a flame
Flickering
Dancing off a matchstick that was an idea.
It kindled an idea to help renew,
To regenerate what was once lost.
The fire grew
And with it
A passion that could not be extinguished.

The warmth was welcomed by her body
A body so cold
So helpless against the dangers of the world
And herself.
The fire gave power
And with the power there grew an inferno
Once ignited, could not be smothered.

The fire whispered
Through smoke and cinders;
It whispered
To encourage the distressing ideas that flowed through her.
She was frozen
Frostbitten to the bone without the fire
And so
To stay alive
She stayed close by the hearth.

When friends became concerned
They tried to call her back
But she was too attached to the blaze.
While the smoke tangled in her hair
And coursed through her veins
She drew in ever closer.
She huddled towards the light
That was leading her to her dangerous desires,
Cutting everything off
Except for the sea of flames.
She clung to her damaged thoughts
And kept the fire steady.

Going almost unnoticed
Her skin turned red and warm;
She was too happy to embrace the heat.
She understood she was too close,
Yet she rose from her perch
Roused by the incandescence
The feverish luminosity.

She
A mere mortal
Drew within reach of the alluring fire.
The flames licked her face
Her hands
Her hopelessly lost mind
As she dove in
Headfirst.

Everyone she had turned away watched
Unable to help.


She registered one single thought:
It's too hot.

But
It was too late.
She couldn't step away from the furnace;

For suddenly she was bound by ropes of her own doing
A funeral pyre just for her.
She was stuck within the depths
Of the scorching fire she had so arduously cared for.
She tried to call out
To those just outside the fireplace
Watching
Witnessing
But the fumes enveloped her
Stifling her pleas,
Her cries for help.

She couldn’t breathe
The embers burning her lungs as she inhaled,
Silencing her voice as she exhaled.
She flickered for a second more;
The life left her eyes.
She collapsed
Leaving ash and bone to intermingle into nothing.


What she had once mistakenly perceived
As an idea,
No larger than a matchstick,
Was something she could not control.
But no one could control a fire that destructive
Or
Deadly.

This saccharin seeps into me,
Liquid recompense trickling,
Trickling,
Into my bloodstream.
This ichor, sweeter than the morphine
I fiend for.
A ******, hungering for a hit.
So I pray to you,
Somnus, please don't send me away.
Night looming behind you,
Death in the wings.
Everyone knows that they have a sweet tooth
And I'm all sugar.

I'm the dust of forgotten stars;
The smoke between your lips;
The shivers on your spine

Frozen to the bone
But my heart is aflame
My mind shudders
And my soul is to blame

We're all fighting our own battles
And I try to keep that in mind
But how long can I go
Without people realizing
That I've already lost mine

The smell of a guy you're about to kiss; his breath, his eagerness, his lust radiating out of his inner being

Suicide note: butterfly wings are so beautiful and soft, so unlike living

A girl frightened by her own shadow but not her death
A girl that does not fear death but craves it

Being cremated and having your ashes spread throughout the world is so beautiful; you can finally go wherever you want; you are finally free

We all perish
There's no denying
We're living our lives
But we're already dying

Why would you waste your life
On a girl
That's wasting away?

Love lost is still love
Just the way that a downpour is still just rain

I am envious
Of the sheets and bed that you sleep in
They get to wrap you up
And hold you in ways I never could

Somewhere in between
The 2 AM nightmares
And
The empty passenger seats
I fell apart.
And I don't know
If I can be fixed.

My life isn't real;
I'm a hallucination;
My body is a dream;
And my soul an illusion

This fire is consuming me
My veins are ablaze
My lungs are nothing but smoke
My thoughts have turned to ash
I'm being burned alive

Tendrils of smoke
Surrounding my mind
Like a crown of amnesia
The only thing I remember
Is to say that I'm fine

Her soul is broken, tangled, intertwined with those of the lost, the dead.

Let's piggyback off each other
Create our own reality.
Hide not from handholding
But from that which cannot overwhelm.

Let's get sick of each other.
Bear ourselves to the world unforgiving.
And after our pain has been shed
We'll nurse each other back to health.

Let's have our chance at the universe
And after taking it for a test ride
Decide we deserve so much more
Than just the infinite.

Your mouth starts
And ends
With mine
As mine does with yours.

Let's close our eyes
Become parallel instead of perpendicular.
Let's travel together
Lines in synchronicity.

The ice queen sat
On her frozen throne
Inside her arctic castle
Counting the biting remarks
The cutting phrases
That made her so cold

Falling blindly feels like flying
I guess that's why
I hit the ground so hard
When I thought I was on top of the world

Being human is an inevitable fatality

What I thought was a crown of flowers
Was actually
A crown of thorns
And what I thought was love
Was actually
Lust

When I sleep
And when the tendrils of fantasy envelop me
I dream of late night whispers
Tangled hair and tangled bedsheets
I dream of you

Sever my life
Cleave my soul
Split me in half
I don't want to be whole

My body, mind, and soul are
Cracked
And broken
And no amount of
Tape
Good thinking
Or bandaids
Will heal me

Smoke me like a cigarette
Turn my bone to ash
My body to smoke
Inhale my desires
Exhale my fears

I'm caught between
Who I want to be
And
Who I am

In my life
I have only succeeded
In producing
A couple tons of carbon dioxide
And nothing more

If I could release the ravens
That reside in my ribcage I would,
But I'm too lonely to let them fly free

For some inexplicable reason,
I can't seem to let go.

Let go of what?
Let go of anything.

I hold grudges that are ten years old,
Unable to budge my conscience.

I refuse to halt friendships,
That I know are venomous to my health.

I brush aside help,
From anyone, because I don't deserve it.

I reject hope,
Claiming it won't work, and will only bring pain.

I decline food, water, anything that keeps me alive,
Because I know death is sweeter than living.

I forgo my own opinions,
Deciding that really, they aren't right, and everyone knows that.

The depreciation I experience,
Is unlike any known description or overused metaphor.

I can't let go of these unwanted, malcontent feelings.
I'm useless, I barely even function.

The voices in my head can't get any louder.
**** yourself, you aren't worth anything, you're better off dead

So how do I die,
When I can't let go?

I traded a piece of my mind
For what I thought was
A peace of mind.

Is there a reason I'm like this?
Full of all this hatred and distress and anxiety?

Was it my genetic code
and all those chromosomes
and chemicals
That made me sad and bitter and distant?

Was it my upbringing
and absent father
and forgetful mother
That turned me into this useless being?

Was it my self-perception
and distorted views of my body
and my mind
That created this monster?

Was it fate that made my heart so cold
and my future bleak
and my relationships crumble?

Did I do this to myself?
Was it my fault?

I wish I could go hours
Without checking my phone
To see if I've missed anything,
Or if anything missed me.

I wish I could go days
Without speaking to anyone
To see if these thoughts inside my head
Could just quiet down.

I wish I could go months
Without thinking of myself
To instead become more selfless, engaged in
Helping others.

I wish I could go years
Without this hatred that I feel
Towards myself and everyone else,
Maybe then I could gain some inner peace.

But people start to worry,
They murmur, whisper-talk, "What's wrong with her,
Why is she not responding, to us, to anything.
Is it a phase? Is she okay?"

I wish they would realize
That being silent is helping,
Healing.
They just don't understand what it means.

I wish they would understand
Going silent is saving me,
And that I wasn't all that put together in the first place,
When I reacted to every thought, movement, or action made.

I wish I could tell them
That I'm not alright,
That I'm tired of talking, replying, being a functional human,
But it seems I've lost my voice.

There is a wall between me and forever.
Frigid
Blocks of silence encapsulate what I thought I could be,
Leaving me sweating in this heat.
The chill echoes throughout my bones,
I'm too tired to chip at the frost.
Warmed by self annihilation,
Self medicated, to keep my body temperature above death.
Self worth, value slips under
The waves of internal youth.
I dream of sun-kissed light,
Drawing my stomach into itself.
I've got a bootlegged life,
Long overdue.
A noose around my ring finger
Diamonds around my neck
Visible to none,
Seen by all.
Quiet, the loudest concert I've ever been to
Keep it up, you're being recorded
Your epitaph a video,
Looped on replay
For eternity
An exhibition
A dedication
For the Ice Age.

I've bitten my tongue for so long,
Keeping words back from the surface
That would jeopardize my entire soul.

I've forgotten what it feels like
To have a mouth free of melancholy,
and heavy-hearted sentiments.

They say Hell is a place
No one wants to go.
They say it's fiery hot and torturous.
Some say it's Purgatory, someplace I should never want to go.

But for some reason,
I want to immerse myself in "Hell".
I want to feel the heat, the burning sensations.
I want to be somewhere other than here.

They say Hell is where the bad people go,
The ones that committed crimes and it's their punishment.
I don't see Hell as a punishment, as Purgatory.
I see it as it truly is: an opportunity.

I'd like to visit it one day, if it even exists.
I want to see if it'll melt this heart of mine.
Give it warmth and touch its core,
Allow this numb heart to feel once more.

You know I never really thought
About college or jobs or even
The future.
I never really thought
I'd be alive long enough to get here.

We all perish
There's no denying
We're living our lives
But we're already dying

You drink to remember.

I drink to remember to forget.

Two broken people
Don't  make a
Whole person.

I taste the hunger on you
Hear the concern.
Can you see the stretch marks of time
On this mind of mine?
Feel my heartbeat
Under your cautious (fearless) lips.
Let's pretend for tonight
That the ephemeral is infinite.
An aromatic spell
It's the witching hour after all
And we've got quite a cauldron brewing.
Count each lock of hair
Let them slip through our fingers
Just so nothing else has to fall.
Sigh into the pillows
Are you upset? Content?
Spill your secrets
They're mine too you know.
I quote heaven and hell in your ears
Maybe it'll get into your head
Tonight is the only one
So come back to bed.

Milk it for all it's worth.
No need to think about what comes after.
Run until you forget who you are.
Retrace your steps
Rediscover who you want to be.
Seven is for the devout
A number in name only.
I've never been closer to salvation
Than when I was in your arms.
Swallow the burning disappointment
The salt brine waves that crash into your lungs.
Your eardrums beat in tempo
Heart thumping away to the angry tune.
Feel the sting of the earth
The soil on your hands that will never wash away.
The pattern a tattoo
Forever ingrained.
Intricate
Original
Just like you

Lots of different words have
Lots of different meanings to
Lots of different people.
I never realized that,
Until I was thumbing through the dictionary
Trying to locate your definitions.
What I could never find however
Were mine.
And I thought,
How strange,
That my musings on these words are not important enough
To merit anyone else's
time,
energy,
or ink.