You know I never really thought
About college or jobs or even
The future.
I never really thought
I'd be alive long enough to get here.

You drink to remember.

I drink to remember to forget.

We all perish
There's no denying
We're living our lives
But we're already dying

I've bitten my tongue for so long,
Keeping words back from the surface
That would jeopardize my entire soul.

I've forgotten what it feels like
To have a mouth free of melancholy,
and heavy-hearted sentiments.

Two broken people
Don't  make a
Whole person.

Is there a reason I'm like this?
Full of all this hatred and distress and anxiety?

Was it my genetic code
and all those chromosomes
and chemicals
That made me sad and bitter and distant?

Was it my upbringing
and absent father
and forgetful mother
That turned me into this useless being?

Was it my self-perception
and distorted views of my body
and my mind
That created this monster?

Was it fate that made my heart so cold
and my future bleak
and my relationships crumble?

Did I do this to myself?
Was it my fault?

I wish I could go hours
Without checking my phone
To see if I've missed anything,
Or if anything missed me.

I wish I could go days
Without speaking to anyone
To see if these thoughts inside my head
Could just quiet down.

I wish I could go months
Without thinking of myself
To instead become more selfless, engaged in
Helping others.

I wish I could go years
Without this hatred that I feel
Towards myself and everyone else,
Maybe then I could gain some inner peace.

But people start to worry,
They murmur, whisper-talk, "What's wrong with her,
Why is she not responding, to us, to anything.
Is it a phase? Is she okay?"

I wish they would realize
That being silent is helping,
Healing.
They just don't understand what it means.

I wish they would understand
Going silent is saving me,
And that I wasn't all that put together in the first place,
When I reacted to every thought, movement, or action made.

I wish I could tell them
That I'm not alright,
That I'm tired of talking, replying, being a functional human,
But it seems I've lost my voice.